Howdy do everybody,
I went back to my mom and dad's house in Florida a few weeks ago for dad-bro's 55th birthday. It was at this time I noticed a People magazine on my mom's coffee table. On the cover was Channing Tatum and the text read 'Sexiest Man Alive.'
I'm not one to argue, he was in a GI Joe movie; I don't care if they were a complete basardization of all the American heroes of my childhood once stood for. He also did a movie where he totally hooked up with Amanda Bynes while it was still cool. Channing Tatum, or CT for short, is definitely probably deserving of that award, girls are still talking about some movie he made called Magic Mike.
Here in the 601, just being 23 and not yet married has to put me on some sort of short list for most eligible bachelors around. But I have to consider my most immediate competition, the 2 other bros in my office. They're both older than me and senior in rank; that's key for they make more money than me and are older so they're way more stable then this mystery man. Where they dwarf me in those 2 categories, I far exceed them EVERYWHERE else. So ladies of the Jackson metro area, I'd like to formally throw my hat in the ring and be your most eligible bachelor and sexiest man alive.
I have my most eligible bachelor resume all set here and ready for you below. It's broken into what I believe are the most important categories a sexiest man alive should have.
Ready. Set. Sexiest man alive BRO.
HOLLYWOOD LOOK
Based on what the other guy that uses my office that we "share" at work says, if I'm not the sexiest most eligible bachelor in the Tri-County Area, I'm definitely the number 1 Rob Kardashian look-alike in town. Minus the hair gel and tats. I've also been told I am quite the Michael Rady impersonator. For those that don't know he on the show The Mentalist. He was also Kostas in the Sisterhood of the traveling yaya pants. So basically I have the tall dark and handsome thing down; Very much a must have for any tri-county Most Eligible Bachelor types. I am also starting to believe people could mention anyone with a tan ever and I could be directly compared to that person. Could be wrong.
PHILANTHROPIC SOFT SIDE
I feed the neighborhood stray cats all the time, bro.
SUPER ATHLETIC
I can juggle 3 balls. I once ran from the Oxford Square back to the ATO house in a rain storm having consumed multiple adult beverages, and DIDN'T throw up. Hit 3 inside the park home runs last softball season; 'nuff said.
IDEAS GUY
I'm all over this one idea, get this: A gallon jar that is equal parts peanut butter, jelly, nutella and marshmallow, all in one. Has the idea of the perfect sammich blown your mind yet? Or if that doesn't do it for you:
A massaging chair that is a whole couch. No matter what position your in, that son of a gun is going to massage you. Sharper Image, get me paid.
THE DARK SIDE
Some times I even pull a serious face. Like when I stub my toes, or fall down the steps in my apartment and shatter a glass candle along way. Clumsiness, definitely an appealing trait in the sexiest man in the tri-county area, reminds the masses I am a human that puts my pants on 1 leg at a time. Though my true darkness will not be seen until WWE brings back the cruiserweight division and the boy from Madison County is going top rope on some chump #BlackMamba.
SEX SYMBOL BODY
The results of my double days spent inside Planet Fitness: Picture AC Slater condensed down onto The Hobbit's size. But way less back hair. Sexy right?
LIFE OF LUXURY
Major vacay time coming up in Las Vegas, probably a Prince Harry type of week. Then New Orleans on New Years, Mardi Gras warm up. Lastly something exotic for Spring Break, I'm thinking the place where the music video for Big Pimpin' was shot.
When not being the total package, I also sit around tables with my cohorts and discuss 401K plans and refinancing on home loans... Because it doesn't hurt to be educated, my friends. That's what grown ups do.
I assume now my phone and email will blow up with single ladies wanting to hubby me down. This day had to come at some point.
Check me out on twitter, ladies @thetennisbro
Gin Gin
Billy Stein ~ The Tennis Bro
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