Pre-Tennis Match Routine

How's it going bros?

I am so EXCITED RIGHT NOW!!!! Sam Querrey may be on the brink of something special in a totally irrelevant tournament in Paris after beating BROkovic then going big brother over Raonic; again.

More Exhilarating then that, I heard the song 'In the Air Tonight' while on the Reservoir Spillway today. I had my 'bans on, it was a total Miami Vice Moment. The only thing that could have been more picturesque would have been if ol' Alice, my jeep, had her top down.

That song gets me amped up. So much so that it is the first installment of my pre-match routine that gets me in my zone before playing a tennis match. I am a very regimental dude; and basically a total nut job. Those who played with me when I was first getting started probably remember a yelling, racquet-destroying force of douche bag nature. I realized, that is no way to bro, then decided to do way weirder stuff prior to playing. I say weird in a very liberal sense; I find what I am doing to be quite normal. But I am guessing you don't do this, and maybe you should, you may not win, but at least you'll look like a total lady-killing badass. I now lay out for you what I do to get ready for a tennis match.

Ready. Set. BRO.

I start my routine by watching the 'In the Air Tonight' sequence from the Miami Vice pilot. The weird drum thing that starts it out starts beating. Crockett goes into a phone booth; total 1984 tennis bro maneuver. He asks his wife whether or not their marriage was ever real; she says yes, duh. The song picks up, the Ferrari Daytona is rolling; drop the epic drums. The man hunt for the terrorist formerly known as Calderone is so on.

Now it's important you know I have 2 names for my apartment, The 'Rad Pad' and 'Club B'. When I am about to play tennis, its definitely Club B. I do more dancing in this tiny little cave then Club 54 did when Disco Mania plagued the nation.

I keep a list of 3 songs I listen to. The first 2 songs I listen to once, then the third song goes on repeat 13 times, and with good reason.

The first song I listen to is called "Hello" by Karmin. Which is such a badass song to wake up the body to. I follow it up with the full-length video of Smooth Criminal. MJ was without a doubt the most electrifying entertainer of all time; I'm working on being number 2. I do an insane amount of tearing up the floor in Club B to this song.

Disclaimer: The forward 45 degree power lean, definitely impossible. Met my downstairs neighbor for the first time after a little experimentation with physics gone wrong. They must use some kind of chords or something... Just messing with you, Michael Jackson could do all things with his magical powers; I bet he still haunts the Presley family.

After my body is warm and muscles are feeling loosey goosey. I go to song number 3. This song is called "Your body" by Pretty Ricky. I listen to the song 13 times in a row. My reasoning; its a great paradox in pop music. Similar to Chris Brown, the lyrics are downright offensive if you listen to them. Though you probably didn't because you were too fixated on how rad the beat to the song is or how catchy the hook is.

Disclaimer: I actually do not know the difference between a hook or a beat, but assume there is one.

When I am on-court, I have found I play best when I have this song stuck in my head. My favorite lyric is at the 1:06 mark when he says "Get a taste of the salami." Utterly the worst thing you could ever say to a girl, right? Maybe not, if I said that, it's five star to the face city BABAY, but I feel like a girl probably laughed and smiled when he said it. I often randomly start dancing on the court to this song and laugh at that one lyric when playing. If you stop and think "What the heck is wrong with this guy?" or "Look, the jawa is dancing" I have already beaten you. And we have probably thought of a great addendum for the sure-fire travesty that will be Disney's next 3 star wars movies.

Now venturing back to some of the things I do that you probably think are stupid. I speak to my racquets in spanish before I play. Ever try speaking another language? It's hard as hell, certainly makes you better to party with though.

I also tell myself all the time that I am going to do some lunges and push ups before a match to loosen up the arms and legs; never have. It is the decision each time not to do it, that is becoming something of a tradition.

After that I really just get to the court, run circles around every ball hit at me and counter punch like it's my job.

SIDENOTE: By counter punch I man build a wall around the court that is supported by mach 1 speed and determination that would make Tim Tebow pee his pants suit. absorb pace and slow it down to utilize my speed and stamina. Then dance to Pretty Ricky and remind the opponent That I am tall enough to ride the roller coaster and DO WORK, SON.

Though I would far prefer my job being the WWE cruiserweight champion of the world. The BLACK MMMMMAAAAAAAMMMMMMMBBBBBBBAAAAAA.

Next time I'll unveil the script for my a very special episode of law and order, Jackson-Style featuring the bro.

As per my predictions for what is to happen this next week, I would bet as follows:
-Federer wins the YEC; you have a better chance of beating Whitey Ford in Yankee Stadium then Fed in the O2 Arena.
-Obama wins the election
-Milwaukee November weather beats the bro; I am obligated to rage groomsmenship for a lifelong friend, even if its a November wedding in Wisconsin.

Follow me on Twitter @thetennisbro

oh yeah, and I'm going to VEGAS the right before Christmas, hope to rage face with some of you.