Happy Hour With Heather Watson

How's it going bros?

My readership expands. The tennis community has chosen to laugh at jokes rather than get offended; cha ching. And to the reader(s) in Russia, extreme shout out to you, bro(s).

I apologize for the hiatus, just in case any of you actually get pumped for me to publish my genius. My dad, the original tennis bro, was in town this weekend and we were absolutely up to our same old father son shenanigans. These shenanigans included going to an oyster bar and ordering ZERO seafood, playing 2 and half hour of tennis and drinking vodka instead of water when we finished, and having a WILD experience at a fine local eatery.

The place was Burgers and Blues in Ridgeland, MS. The players were my papa, my buddy Dee and, of course, the Black Mamba. This dinner was clutch; great food, high gravity beer, and my mom wasn't around to filter papa bro. Among the highlights of the meal included 2 rounds of Abita Andygator; way more KABOOM in that mess then the norm, Dee Spilling his water over and our hot waitress writing 'Sippy Cup' on his new cup and my dad choosing to ignore the fact that I introduced him to the Show Man Vs. Food while talking for 20 minutes about some episodes.

SIDE NOTE: The Burgers and Blues Food Challenge was attempted by Adam Richman and Food won.
ANOTHER SIDE NOTE: In the next few days I will sneaking my own picture up on the wall in full on Black Mamba attire doing my 'Mach 3 Hunter' pose despite not finishing my 4 oz cheese burger. #Tennisbromaneuver

Our waitress was a smoke show, too. Blue eyes, a country accent and an Ole Miss bias. That's something of a holy triumvirate. At the end of the meal when Dee said "Bring 2 checks, put the food and drinks on his and your number on mine." Her response was a blank ticket that said 601-come back again. To the viewer not from Mississippi, 601 is the area code that spans the entire central part of the state. So he got 3 out of the 10, not bad.

This waitress reminded me in many ways of Heather Watson, my favorite girl on the WTA Tour. I know I promised a list of 10 people I would go to Happy Hour with, but I imagine Heather would be the most fun out of the 10. She also tests at a 72% on the Stinging Nostril Scale.

SIDE NOTE: The stinging nostril scale is a very unscientific scale used to predict the likelihood something will be said or done that is so funny that one's drink is not swallowed but spit up due to dumb s%&* laughter. This often includes beverage coming out the nostrils creating a stinging sensation for the best part of 2 seconds. There is not equation for this test and I have noticed that my friends usually never spit up from something I do; too suave, but I always seem to allocate myself some stinging nostrils. There's something not right about me.

I have been doing my homework; through a handful of youtube vids, pretty much homework. This is what I imagine happy hour with Heather Watson would be like:

Ready. Set. BRO.

I am still coming down to earth from the sensation of my work as the badass biker in NE-YO's newest video. My new girlfriend Carly Rae Jepsen and I are at the after party of the MTV VMA's that NE-YO and I just hosted. Who do we spot? World Number 49 Heather Watson; ranking subject to change due to her coming into her own on court, and the fact that this may not be before tomorrow when new rankings come out.

Heather is in Jackson scoping out the Science Museum on Lakeland; such a rad time. We decide to grab a drink at Pelican Cove and celebrate our mutual successes; Carly allows it then tells me to call her maybe.

Now I imagine, solely based on Green Street Hooligans; epic guy cry film, Heather drinks dark beer at room temperature. She may drink wine, or lemon drops or something girly. For street cred sake, its a Guinness. Most of this conversation is done by yelling because the band wants to make sure you can hear them play across the 5 mile reservoir spillway.

The combined energy at the table would be enough to keep a small town lit for days. Heather is big on Trey Songz and playing backhand, to me its all about protecting the deuce court with my forehand and #NEYOmagic. We are clearly 2 kindred spirits that would make a raw recreational league doubles team.

Among other topics of discussion, why English folks haven't gotten on french fries yet, Robin Van Persie-Manchester Lady Killer and above all, the creative genius of Cher Lloyd. She talks to me about Carly Rae Jepsen's and my pending nuptuals and our plan to put an end to, or marginally disrupt, or still encourage, American jokes about Canada. Pretty enthralling stuff. This is the point in which Heather Watson's pro tennis player schedule makes it impossible to continue our epic happy hour. My beer is downed and all of a sudden I am feeling a little tipsy #classicBilly.

Our similar personalities at one table verify beyond a reasonable doubt that there is really nothing to do in Jackson other then write about being a party to #NEYOmagic. Something I will laugh in everyone not named Jay Z's face about when I'm wanted to be the bad guy in every hip hop music video ever. I will still be holding out for my opportunity to enter the Royal Rumble.

Starting now I begin to countdown to the men's Year End Championship and my trip to the exciting city of Milwaukee, Wisconsin where a good friend of mine is getting married... in November. My opinions on the YEC and its contenders will be scientific without using the scientific method.

Now if you'll excuse me, WWE Hell in a Cell is on Pay Per View.

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