The BROtotype

How's it going bros?

It has come to my attention from a certain member of my inner circle, that shall remain anonymous for the time being, that my knowledge of tennis getting shadowed by overuse of words like bro, rad and rampage. Well too bad for that person, because that is how I talk.

He or she did bring up a good point, however, that I have done a pretty extensive amount of research on the ATP World Tour by being a fan. I have come to respect the things the pros do that I am incapable of doing. I do not believe any of them could deliver death from above, top turnbuckle-style, like I can, but they really can do some pretty athletic stuff on the tennis court.

Growing up I was all about the wrestling, but played some casual traveling baseball on the side. In baseball there are 5 tools by which a player's makeup is judged. The are as follows: can run, can field, can throw, can hit for power and can hit for average. Those of you who don't know seeing-eye-single from duck on the pond have probably seen Brad Pitt go OG in the movie Moneyball and have heard a bit of these tools.

Being that I am something of a fan of making lists, I made my own tools for how I judge a tennis players performance. They are as follows: Can rip a forehand, can rip a backhand, can serve with power, can serve with kick, volley, court coverage, racquet smash and significant other. These 8 tools make up the BROtotype on the ATP World Tour and I'm about to create the ultimate player.

Forehand: You would like me to say Roger Federer on this one, but I won't. Jack Sock is a rising American and my newest man crush on court. He learned how to hit a good forehand by having a double stacked and blacked out net on court when he was 15; trust me I know his old coach. He's big dude who can sit on the baseline and pound it just as well as anyone else out there. He had a great run at US Open that was due in large part to his opponents being too courteous to his forehand. This kid can move it around; when he gets on my level cardiovascularly-speaking, he will be in for super stardom. Cardiovascularly is absolutely a made up word; turns out.

Backhand: Novak Djokovic hits not only the best 2-handed backhand of all-time, but probably the best backhand of any generation ever. The angles this guy can create cross court and up the line could break a protractor. For a player to have a backhand that is 2/3 as strong as their forehand is pretty good. For a player to have a soft forehand and a strong backhand isn't unheard of; baseball players, for example. If a guy has a world-class forehand AND a backhand that he can hit winners all over the court with, that's Hall of Fame, never to be forgotten type stuff.

Power Serve: On the basis of consistency, Milos Raonic from Canada hits harder than anyone. Groth from Australia is a pounder too. However, the land speed record belongs to Ivo Karlovic at 156 MPH. Karlovic and Tommy Haas have rooms next to one another in assisted living, but Ivo is legit as hell for being 237082507374 years old in 2011 when he hit that hard. His motion is very uncomplicated; making things easy is smart. He also isn't afraid to volley; my kind of guy.

Kick Serve: John Isner's kicker bouncing over dudes heads is all that needs to be said. Averages 7 and half feet of kick on a hard court. He is 6 feet and 10 inches of pure American badassness.

Volley: Most probably won't agree with me, but Mardy Fish's net play is a large part of the reason for his turn around. Ok losing 30 pounds and being committed to practice 10 years after becoming a professional probably had a great deal to do with it too. Mardy Fish still frequently serves and volleys and his soft hands teamed with his well-placed serves get him to the turn a lot quicker than a lot of baseline grounders do.

Court Coverage: If you ask me, Roger Federer is the greatest athlete to ever lace 'em up in any sport. Have you ever seen this guy run around the court? He is honestly like watching the Blue Angels fly in perfect formation. People call his movement "Feathery" which, if you're not with it, means he's light on his feet and probably doesn't destroy shoes after a month like some tennis bros typing this, currently. More impressive than how light on his feet he is, Fed can run down anything hit anywhere on court. Folk lore says one time 63 tennis balls were hit across the court at once and he snagged 62 before their second bounce. No one truly knows what happened to the other one. Smell what I'm stepping in?

Racquet Smash: Most people immediately flip to Fernando Gonzalez. Don't get me wrong, it was always a treat and somewhat enlightening on how to make anger look super badass. But if you're a tennis fan and haven't passed the crown to Marcos Baghdatis after his rampage in Australia, you're either the president of the Fernando Fan Club in your hometown or illiterate in the language of awesome. For those of you who aren't familiar, Marcos Baghdatis smashed 4 tennis racquets in a period of 22 seconds at the Aussie Open after being jobbed on a call. 22 seconds! It was like a KISS concert without the music. Such an awesome tirade. He's only 27 too, so more genius may still be to come.

Significant Other: This one is a little tougher. Given how subjective this list has been, I guess this is all in the eye of the beholder. Andy Roddick is ineligible due to retirement and I refuse to list Djokovic twice. Bernard Tomic was dating a full on 10 during the Australian Open, which I believe has since ceased. Rafael Nadal and Andy Murray both date babes from their hometowns; a pretty cool bro thing to do. Case and point with this tool, tennis needs an old school badass that has different girls in his box at every match; maybe even smokes Marlboro reds and drinks tequila. Picture Johnny Mac mixed with Frank the Tank.

There you have it, I hope you've learned something. Next time I will be discussing the Tennis Bro Channel on XM radio.

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