How's it going bros?
I have been live and running for almost an hour and the internet hasn't booted me. Tennis Bro 1 Internet 0.
Now would be a good time to open up to you the reader about where I stand on things; you know, philosophically. Firstly I believe KISS is the uncontested greatest band of all time; Love Gun is something like the story of my life up to this point. I am a fan of ALL sports though I believe the designated hitter, domed stadiums and the new NFL special teams rules are bastardizing sports as we know it. My 3 favorite non-James Bond movies are American Psycho, Pulp Fiction and Almost Famous; a film you will learn more about in a later post. I believe in the genius of the 3 stooges and in a good sweater's powerful effects on the ladies; tennis bro maneuver.
I work a job in the tennis industry, but tennis is not my favorite sport. I LOVE professional wrestling more then anything else. At one time I was on the right path to glory in the WWE; a legend in the making. My small size, lightning quickness and obvious charisma was going to be the perfect storm that vaulted me to cruiser weight glory. This was a time when cruiser weights were at a premium. My identity was the Black Mamba. After wearing out my opponents, my finisher was venom strike: a forward-facing backwards vault press off the top rope. I set every clown up for it using the spear. Goldberg made the spear intimidating, Edge made it pretty, Black Mamba made it so fast you had to slow it down to see the light leave my opponent's eyes. I was going to restore order among the cruiser weights, now they don't exist. I hear some are bagging groceries and others roam the streets looking for crack rocks.
So now that my past as a vigilante high-flying luchador are over, I stick to being a below average tennis player. Though, not to toot my own horn, still way faster then most I play, and unpredictable when considering an off-the-net ambush. Just a bro with a waffle racquet.
Bros with waffle racquets are far different then our finer halves when it comes to state championships. There are closer to zero guys isolating themselves 500 yards from everyone else while listening to 'Welcome to the Jungle'. I personally listen to the song 'Your body' by Pretty Ricky; such a rad band, on repeat before all of my tennis matches. It is because of this song that I do 2 things that keep me from panic during a match, number 1. I laugh constantly at the offensive lyrics and number 2. I wonder what the members of the band are up to these days.
This is about guys good enough to play in all of these tournaments, so unfortunately the awesomeness of my routine is almost a moot point. Here are, however, a few things guys do during state tennis championships. You all know these people, and you've probably all had a drink paid for by these people at some point.
Ready. Set. BRO.
1. These guys put it down at the player party. That 55 year old dude is definitely doing the cupid shuffle step per step.
2. Bros NEVER get a good night of sleep before a match. This is something like a vacation. And vacations involve lots of beer drinking, business chatting and occasionally playing one of those tennis matches.
3. Someone at EVERY championship rolls in in a Winnebago. Make friends with this guy he has beers, satellite tv and microwave pigs in a blanket; baddest bro in the whole state tennis community this particular weekend, and probably most others.
4. Keeps talking about the kids to a minimum if they are over the age of 14. Or so I have noticed. That must be the age the 'honeymoon' stage ends at.
5. Tell everyone how much weight they gained. But I know, you were as skinny as me, stronger than me and better with girls than me when you were my age huh?
6. Forget the score when they report it to the official table. It's cool bro, I'm sure the other team remembers.
7. Beer before, beer during and beer after every match. Can't rampage as hard drinking bottled water, and the ice was free.
8. Break out the good luck wrist bands that haven't been washed ever. I totally get that, I wear good luck underwear. I wear them for all big occasions; haven't been washed since the first time I ever took a girl out to dinner.
9. Discuss the evening's plans before lunch time: Something like a vacation.
10. Low 5 one another every time an attractive lady walks by. I'll low 5 y'all on that all day, bros.
These opinions are mine alone and not those of my employer or the tennis community at large; at least not vocally, thus I can not confirm if they do or do not agree with what I saying.
Check out my next entry as I release the ATP world tour's first ever Rad Rankings top 10. Also to learn of first feeble attempt at philanthropy.
Follow me on twitter @thetennisbro
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