If I Were a Country Club Bro

How's it going bros?

This last weekend I officiated a tournament at a very beautiful and well respected country club here in Jackson. The scenery was awesome in a very old south kind of way, the tennis was some of the best you'll see in the nation from juniors, and the people were some of the best I have ever met. When I say the people were some of the best I have ever met, I meant they were mostly all outwardly friendly due to the thin-stretching of my duties as well as my copious amounts of Ole Miss logos on my clothes.

Country clubs create something of a catch 22 in my mind. On the one hand, they are a place where the 1% go to post up at the bar and drink 11 dollar beers while contemplating exercise that day; 40 year old bro move. On the other hand, they are a hangout for the housewives of the rich and the famous. These ladies use such a social standing in order to use 1 word responses to everything and have the door held for them as if the world will end if you don't drop what you're doing to make sure her 300 dollar flip flops aren't scuffed; okay bad example.

Among the ultra kick ass observations I made of the male members of the club, the one head and shoulders rockin' tennis bro maneuver every single one of them shared in common was a tennis shag. The same tennis shag, in fact, that their 9 year old sons playing in the tournament had. This is so kick ass for so many reasons, but first and foremost, it meant they make the kind money to wear that hairdo in a professional setting and not have any sort of consequences for doing so.

If I were a country club bro, my first maneuver would be to grow out the country club ass hole hair. I will grant you 3 distinct and separate examples of the country club ass hole hair.
1. The Patrick Bateman- Simple Wall Street Power Slick
2. The Larry Stefanki- The ultimate tennis bro look
3. The Johnny Mac- Just google him in the 1980 Wimby Final.

After growing out my hair I would do the following things to be the raddest country club bro I could be if I were 23 and living large.

Ready. Set. BRO.

-Make friends with the help; Extra Chicken tenders every meal, BYAH!
-Order the most expensive drink on the menu and put it on a fellow bro's member number; Thanks bro.
-Hit on the girl that works the desk in the clubhouse; they like that right?
-Not play golf ever. EVER.
-Double park on general principle; if you don't like it, move it.
-Ask every lady I meet at the club a thousand questions; law of averages, the more questions you ask the higher probability of getting a friendly, socially acceptable answer
-Schedule my tennis games during ladies league hours; what the hell am I paying dues for if not to play tennis, bro?
-Rent the place out for the biggest party of the year during Wrestlemania. You didn't think I was going to say for the Super Bowl did you?
-Talk about my various investments; fantasy football, basketball and baseball dues.
-Wear white shoes every time; Love a good pair of pale wing tips
-Cannonball in the pool
-Walk around the locker room without a towl; not a locker room guy? Too bad I pay my dues bro.
-Not play golf ever; I think I already mentioned that.
-Offer an arm wrestling match for 1st serve when playing with seniors.
-Call all kids who dress the same as their parents and have matching hairstyles "clones"; Hall pass reference, that film sucked but that was pretty funny.

That's about it. Maybe when I'm 25 I'll have the the type of dollars to do some of those things. But until then, I can only imagine.

Next time I'll tell you about my music video writing debut.

Follow me on twitter @thetennisbro