Monday 3:53 PM EST
Roger Federer, the Godfather of the ATP World Tour family sits in his chair. His feet are crossed, heels on the mahogany as he stares at his trophy case that the spans the distance of a modern movie screen. Fifteen years of history reflected in the shine of 76 trophies. An eye-popping 17 coming from major titles. Seven particularly large trophies sit in the middle of it all.
The GOAT (Greatest of all Time) uncrosses his legs as he looks over to his concigliere, Stanislas Wawrinka; his compatriot from the neutral mother land, Switzerland. The GOAT leans in for an exchange with his right hand man, never breaking eye contact from the spectacle of trophies, that affirm his stance among the ranks of the greatest that have ever done it.
Godfather: There's a lot of heat coming down from the very top.
Stan: What are we gonna do? These happenings could be very detrimental to our affairs if handled improperly.
Godfather: I have decided to take matters into my own hands, Stan. I'm going to call a meeting. I'll meet with Djokovic and Nadal and Murray and all the heads of the 5 families. I am going to straighten this situation out.
Stan: Is this really right at this stage in the game, Rog?
Godfather: Stanislas, old friend, this is something I should have handled a long time ago. Just contact them... Oh and Stan?
Stan: Yeah Rog?
Godfather: Only contact them with people you trust. No one clever, clever men carry with them agendas.
Stanislas retreats from the office to gather the rest of the family. The Godfather unzips his signature cream-colored sweater and pulls out a file marked "Strawberries and cream". His silhouette is relaxed, his pulse steady. The events that transpire will surely ruffle some feathers among some people in power, juxtaposed, will surely benefit all of those who stand on the same side of the fence as the greatest gentleman the sport has ever seen.
Wednesday 2:23 PM EST
Representatives from all the 5 families come out of the office. They are clad in suits dark suits with ties except for Rafael Nadal who is in a very light blue suit with a pink shirt and sherbet orange tie. He is using a similarly orange pocket square to wipe an abundance of sweat from his forehead. The mood is light, the most powerful men in business are all smiles, except for the GOAT, who is keeping his host's reserve learned in his adolescence at cotillion.
The Godfather sees out his smiley guests who share handshakes with one another before each of their respective drivers take them back to different parts of Europe. He waves over his number 2, Stanislas Wawrinka, back to the office. The two men sit on the couch along with under boss Marco Chiudinelli. Fed loosens his zipper and begins to listen to his faithfully trusted concigliere.
Stan: What do you think?
Marco: We got 'em now. I say we don't stop at Strawberries and Cream, I say we go right after Operation Eifel Tower and handcuff the sons of guns right here and now.
Godfather: Marco, you have been a friend for a long time. I spoil you with my goodwill because I can not help it. It becomes clearer on the surface that that was a mistake. Please go get us some wine from the cellar.
Marco exits.
Godfather: Stan, It is time we move along with the next phase of Strawberries and Cream. I'm going to make them an offer they can not refuse. Please assist me, you know my typing is not great.
To: All England Club
From: Stanislas Wawrinka
CC: Andy Murray Novak Djokovic Rafael Nadal David Ferrer
Subject: Wimbledon Prize Money
4:30 PM
Dear Trustees of the All England Club,
In my boss's 15 years he has very fond memories of your tournament. He won his first Grand Slam Title right on center court and have his name sketched into your trophy and on your famous walls 7 times. You have helped him make his fortune and shape his business.
Lately, it has come to his attention that our colleagues have had misfortunes trying to succeed in this business. Having such close people in his life down on their luck is bad, bad for business.
He expects this year you will raise your prize money for the champion and all players involved, substantially. In return he will grant you his eternal friendship and all of the perks associated with being closely involved with a man of his standing.
With warm regards,
GOAT
To: Stanislas Wawrinka
From: All England Club
CC: Roger Federer
Subject: RE: Wimbledon Prize Money
4:41 PM
Mr. Federer,
We at the All England Club are very touched by your support of your fellow players. However, at this time we can not authorize any raise in prize winnings.
We do hope you and your colleagues understand. This is nothing personal, just business.
Kindly,
The All England Club Board of Trustees
To: All England Club
From: Stanislas Wawrinka
CC: ATP World Tour Roster
Subject: RE RE: Wimbledon Prize Money
5:00 PM
My boss begs you reconsider your budgeting moving forward. He is willing to accept your apology and reconsider any brash reactions if you increase the prize money for all players concerned by 30%.
With warm regards,
GOAT
To: Stanlislas Wawrinka
From: All England Club
Subject: RE RE RE: Wimbledon Prize Money
9:02 PM
You posh tosser,
We apologize for our delayed response. We couldn't keep from laughing our bullocks off. You tell your boss he will get no such apology or ludicrous prize hike. If he is concerned about others well being, he can sell one of his Mercedes or many of his Rolex watches.
This is the most prestigious tournament on Earth. The Queen herself attends in her weakened state. He should be honored to be a competitor.
Kindly,
All England Club Board of Trustees
To: All England Club
From: Roger Federer
Subject: RE RE RE RE: Wimbledon Prize Money
9:15 PM
Trustees,
My associate has informed me you are unwilling to accept my offer. He informs me, also, that you were most impolite in your delivery of your difference in opinion. So I will now clearly explain to you where we will go from here.
Recently, I met with the heads of the five families. Out of respect for our less fortunate colleagues, we agreed to boycott the 2013 tournament if the All England Club was unwilling to make a deal. If you decide to stand tall with your current decision, none of the 5 family heads will play. If you think your bullocks is hurting now, think about how it will feel when you offer Tomas Berdych the number 1 seed.
Now ask yourself how many people will actually wake up in America to watch breakfast with the queen? You will be lucky to get Pippa Middleton to come to this one. A new mom, Princess Kate, isn't going to want to leave her child with a baby sitter to watch Tsonga play a a QF against Tommy Haas, or Robredo.
We also know about your master plan to expand the grounds. It is a fantastic play, too bad it will never happen if no one buys tickets to not watch the only 4 guys that have a chance to win plus David Ferrer whose a national icon in Spain. How many angry Spaniards are going to watch Almagro be their 1-seed?
I think a 35% Increase should suffice.
With Warm Regards,
GOAT
To: Roger Federer
From: All England Club
Subject: RE RE RE RE RE: Wimbledon Prize Money
9:18 PM
Mr. Federer,
Sir. From all of us here at the All England Club BOT, we are so so sorry. Words can not describe the admiration and adoration this club and its members have for you and your coworkers efforts.
We would very much like to accommodate the ATP players. We just do not know if 35% is a possibility at this point.
Please accept this token of our sorrow.
Kindly,
All England Club Board of Trustees
To: Roger Federer
From: All England Club
Subject: RE RE RE RE RE RE: Wimbledon Prize Money
9:30 PM
Mr. Federer, have you thought it over more?
Kindly,
All England Club Board of Trustees
To: Roger Federer
From: All England Club
Subject: RE RE RE RE RE RE RE: Wimbledon Prize Money
9:32 PM
Mr. Federer?
Kindly,
All England Club Board of Trustees
To: Roger Federer
From: All England Club
Subject: RE RE RE RE RE RE RE RE: Wimbledon Prize Money
9:33 PM
Mr. Federer,
Ok fine, GOAT, you win. We at the All England Club BOT have decided to authorize a 40% Prize Money increase to 22.6 million Euros.
We will see you, Mr. Djokovic, Mr. Nadal, Mr. Murray and Mr. Ferrer in Wimby in June.
Kindly,
All England Club Board of Trustees
A Bro Above All
Billy Stein ~ The Tennis Bro (@thetennisbro)
Monday, April 29, 2013
Monday, April 22, 2013
The Ones That Missed the Cut
All over the world, football (soccer) fans are wondering, Billy, why didn't soccer bro get to be part of the wolfpack? And the answer is simple, your sport wasn't enough of a bro. Seems kind of hypocritical, allowing golf in the group of lady killing badasses, but sports wrestling, that are responsible for your dream job didn't. Where do you draw the line?
It's like this, just like every group of girls has a Designated Ugly Friend; or DUF, for short, every group of guys has 1 superbly douchy brohort. You could make the argument that football might be the Alpha Douche of this list, but be real for a second, that guy is always responsible, in some sort of facet, for why the night is awesome ultimately.
SIDE NOTE: You can find DUF girl by typing in 'University of Florida coed' in google. You have to scroll a bit to get passed all the hot Florida State girls and Tim Tebow pictures, but you'll spot it with enough effort.
Let me jump right in on some sports that may be kind of bro, but only at a distance because golf needed to be perma-DD on the weekends for the rest of the wolfpack.
Soccer: Yeah I called it soccer and not football, sorry, I'm American and we have our own lucrative and ultra-compensating form of sport also called "football." Ironically though, you can't take a dive in American football to make it less manly, you instead rely on NFL administrators to make rules that make the game less manly, by pretending to be concerned about the well being of the players. Great pension system you have worked out, bros.
Okay, so here quickly is how soccer would act; assuming its personified being was American. Firstly, it would have the gelled out euro mohullet thing made famous in sport antiquity by Cristiano Ronaldo. It's part brohawk and part mullet in like a very posh European way. More than likely too, you rock the $8 stud douchy earrings that everyone I know originally from the Midwest sported proudly in their adolescence. I hate to paint with a broad brush, but if you are a guy and have piercings of any kind, there is no saving you #LULZ. There have only ever been 3 successful man piercings in history:
1. Rico Tubbs
2. Rey Mysterio Jr. during the WCW days
3. Mel Gibson in Father's Day
I do love soccer though. I consider myself a big fan of Club USA and Manchester United. Here is a short list of my 10 favorite footballers in the world.
1. Javier Hernandez- Chicharito can ball. Saw Danza Kuduro for the first time watching his highlight tape.
2. Clint Dempsey- He and I are basically twins when I have a buzz cut. Plus he's from Texas. My childhood state.
3. Diego Forlan- Such a badass.
4. Lionel Messi- Best athlete on Earth
5. Wayne Rooney- The pulse of Man United
6. Robin Van Persie- Hat trick today won Man U's 20th Premiereship trophy
7. Landon Donovan- Biggest hero in American soccer
8. Robbie Keane- This
9. Cristiano Ronaldo- Of Course he was making this list
10. Hercules Gomez- 'Merica
Unfortunately, I don't hang around with enough hooligans to justify any of you in the wolfpack. Doesn't mean I don't fully support your efforts. Olay.
Track and Field:
Dare I say more?
Wrestling: Say all you want about WWE not being real, but "real" wrestling, like the kind that involves head gear and guys milling around like a Karma Sutra short film, is considered amateur. This would not even tip my interest if the Olympic Committee didn't recently remove the sport from the 2016 games. I may take this time to inform the reader, who may not know this, that wrestling was part of the original Pentathlon in the Ancient Greek Games, but kept trampoline jumping in the games. Now I could do what journalists do and take the time to research who is on that committee and show at your house and pull this maneuver, but that would require effort beyond google and youtube and someone may actually die. So I'm going to take the next few lines of my blog I love keeping so much and leave them blank. Each blank space represents The brain activity of the folks who realize a thousand year old tradition was eradicated for trampoline jumping.
NASCAR: I didn't even know until like a week ago that NASCAR was short for something. Sorry bro beans, my jeep only goes 85 any way.
Hockey: Your sport only seems to do 2 things for me, love my country a little more every time I watch Miracle, and make me laugh at your dumbass players and abusive owners' inability to collectively bargain with one another. Try watching an NHL game on TV. Hard not to get sucked into Night of the Twisters on HBO Family when in the midst of staring deep into Barry Melrose's mullet after the first 5 minutes of either of 2, yes 2 20 minute intermissions. Going to hockey games is even worse. It's the New Years Eve effect of live sports. You go to the arena, its freezing cold, too cold to enjoy holding your cold beer. You wait patiently for glass to break or a fight to happen. If it does you win, if it doesn't, you've been to 99% of hockey games on earth. #Canada
UFC: Fun to watch on paper view. I honestly don't hang out with one person whose into the lifestyle. Can't really hang with the graphic T set of society.
Lastly
Rugby: Everything I just said about soccer with a few differences.
1. Everyone is bigger
2. Consumes more room temperature beer
3. For some reason every American that plays it mysteriously developed a fake Western European accent once they started playing it.
4. More likely to tattoo their number on their biceps
5. Far more likely to spend hours talking about how their sport is superb to American football.
Yawn yawn on that. Maybe 7's rugby is better. That sport is actually quite fun to watch. Too bad only like 2% of the earth knows what that is.
follow me on twitter, I'd love to hear about how bro your sport is @thetennisbro
A Bro Above All, Glory Glory Man United #20
Billy Stein ~ The Tennis Bro
It's like this, just like every group of girls has a Designated Ugly Friend; or DUF, for short, every group of guys has 1 superbly douchy brohort. You could make the argument that football might be the Alpha Douche of this list, but be real for a second, that guy is always responsible, in some sort of facet, for why the night is awesome ultimately.
SIDE NOTE: You can find DUF girl by typing in 'University of Florida coed' in google. You have to scroll a bit to get passed all the hot Florida State girls and Tim Tebow pictures, but you'll spot it with enough effort.
Let me jump right in on some sports that may be kind of bro, but only at a distance because golf needed to be perma-DD on the weekends for the rest of the wolfpack.
Soccer: Yeah I called it soccer and not football, sorry, I'm American and we have our own lucrative and ultra-compensating form of sport also called "football." Ironically though, you can't take a dive in American football to make it less manly, you instead rely on NFL administrators to make rules that make the game less manly, by pretending to be concerned about the well being of the players. Great pension system you have worked out, bros.
Okay, so here quickly is how soccer would act; assuming its personified being was American. Firstly, it would have the gelled out euro mohullet thing made famous in sport antiquity by Cristiano Ronaldo. It's part brohawk and part mullet in like a very posh European way. More than likely too, you rock the $8 stud douchy earrings that everyone I know originally from the Midwest sported proudly in their adolescence. I hate to paint with a broad brush, but if you are a guy and have piercings of any kind, there is no saving you #LULZ. There have only ever been 3 successful man piercings in history:
1. Rico Tubbs
2. Rey Mysterio Jr. during the WCW days
3. Mel Gibson in Father's Day
I do love soccer though. I consider myself a big fan of Club USA and Manchester United. Here is a short list of my 10 favorite footballers in the world.
1. Javier Hernandez- Chicharito can ball. Saw Danza Kuduro for the first time watching his highlight tape.
2. Clint Dempsey- He and I are basically twins when I have a buzz cut. Plus he's from Texas. My childhood state.
3. Diego Forlan- Such a badass.
4. Lionel Messi- Best athlete on Earth
5. Wayne Rooney- The pulse of Man United
6. Robin Van Persie- Hat trick today won Man U's 20th Premiereship trophy
7. Landon Donovan- Biggest hero in American soccer
8. Robbie Keane- This
9. Cristiano Ronaldo- Of Course he was making this list
10. Hercules Gomez- 'Merica
Unfortunately, I don't hang around with enough hooligans to justify any of you in the wolfpack. Doesn't mean I don't fully support your efforts. Olay.
Track and Field:
Wrestling: Say all you want about WWE not being real, but "real" wrestling, like the kind that involves head gear and guys milling around like a Karma Sutra short film, is considered amateur. This would not even tip my interest if the Olympic Committee didn't recently remove the sport from the 2016 games. I may take this time to inform the reader, who may not know this, that wrestling was part of the original Pentathlon in the Ancient Greek Games, but kept trampoline jumping in the games. Now I could do what journalists do and take the time to research who is on that committee and show at your house and pull this maneuver, but that would require effort beyond google and youtube and someone may actually die. So I'm going to take the next few lines of my blog I love keeping so much and leave them blank. Each blank space represents The brain activity of the folks who realize a thousand year old tradition was eradicated for trampoline jumping.
NASCAR: I didn't even know until like a week ago that NASCAR was short for something. Sorry bro beans, my jeep only goes 85 any way.
Hockey: Your sport only seems to do 2 things for me, love my country a little more every time I watch Miracle, and make me laugh at your dumbass players and abusive owners' inability to collectively bargain with one another. Try watching an NHL game on TV. Hard not to get sucked into Night of the Twisters on HBO Family when in the midst of staring deep into Barry Melrose's mullet after the first 5 minutes of either of 2, yes 2 20 minute intermissions. Going to hockey games is even worse. It's the New Years Eve effect of live sports. You go to the arena, its freezing cold, too cold to enjoy holding your cold beer. You wait patiently for glass to break or a fight to happen. If it does you win, if it doesn't, you've been to 99% of hockey games on earth. #Canada
UFC: Fun to watch on paper view. I honestly don't hang out with one person whose into the lifestyle. Can't really hang with the graphic T set of society.
Lastly
Rugby: Everything I just said about soccer with a few differences.
1. Everyone is bigger
2. Consumes more room temperature beer
3. For some reason every American that plays it mysteriously developed a fake Western European accent once they started playing it.
4. More likely to tattoo their number on their biceps
5. Far more likely to spend hours talking about how their sport is superb to American football.
Yawn yawn on that. Maybe 7's rugby is better. That sport is actually quite fun to watch. Too bad only like 2% of the earth knows what that is.
follow me on twitter, I'd love to hear about how bro your sport is @thetennisbro
A Bro Above All, Glory Glory Man United #20
Billy Stein ~ The Tennis Bro
Sunday, April 21, 2013
If Sports Were Bros: Part 6 Tennis
The time is upon us, bros.
Time to talk about the bro traits and Wolfpack status of tennis. Some of you are probably all "Oh yeah, tennis bro is finally going to give the game credit as the most epic sport ever." A misunderstanding I should probably clear up before this argument goes further.
Tennis, for your information, is only my 5th favorite sport to play. Let that stun sink in for a second... Okay, great. Now that that's on the table, here is a list of my favorite sports to play; some of which a few of you may not consider sports:
1. Slow pitch softball
2. Trampoline WWE-style No-Holds-Barred wrestling
3. Imitation Olympic diving
4. Any and all coordination-required drinking games
5. TENNIS bros
But anyway, this sport is pretty kickass, and takes a serious role in the 'pack. So without further interruption, the final installment of the sports as bros franchise, this is tennis as a bro:
Ready?
Set?
BRO
Tennis is kind of like Zoltan from the fabled flick, Dude Where's my car? This is not a prose about his unique sense of fashion, but rather the fact that tennis is more of a cult than any sport. Allow me to explain.
From a very young age, the tennis community fixates itself on personal interest. It rarely seems to be about how tennis is played, but rather, what players are wearing when they play. Heaven forbid ladies league tennis players should ever wear the same Maria Sharapova dress twice in a month.
BABE RECOGNISH
That over romanticized tale of the kid who had nothing but a pair of gym socks and a raggedy basketball... Tennis Bro doesn't understand that. You take your raggedy ball thats missing air, tennis was coordinating his shoes, not based on how they correspond with his playing style, but with which $90 pastel shirt he planned to wear that day during the tournament.
Tennis bro is crucial to the wolfpack for a few reasons. He is an unbelievable pong player; making basketball less of a match up nightmare. Not to mention he is responsible for one of the all time greats.
Tennis is a self-motivator. So while golf is busy being a huge doucher, and football is lifting weights at 5 pm on a Friday, tennis is the 'pack member getting baseball and lax bro to start drinking the cheap stuff; works every time. He's also the realest bro in the pack, ratings don't lie. Tennis was used to realistic standards of reality at a younger age when his ranking was low because he wasn't as good as others in the state. When golf acts like total idiot loser, tennis is not the first to call him out for sucking, but definitely the most thorough.
Tennis may not be the featured wolf in the pack, but he still pulls girls that look like Kate Upton.
This is because every girl ever that meets tennis uses the same starting line "Oh you play tennis? You should teach me how to play some time."
Every dude that ever played tennis is shaking his head right now, because it has happened to us all. The best part about this inquiry, is that 0% of the time, the girl actually found her way onto the tennis court with us. But yes, we agree, tennis skirts would look great on you.
When at the bar, tennis chills the most. Football is busy raking up a tab because it makes sense that Sam Adams Boston Lager makes your biceps bigger right? Haven't you seen a BroScience video on Youtube before? The fact that tennis is up front about his lightweight tolerance that never improved after all the years of binge drinking in college, makes him A. a party all star and B. Able to scoot by getting drunk on 2 Coors banquet tall boys and being rowdier than Basketball after 3 Taylor Swift's #Funkytown.
SIDE NOTE: A Taylor Swift is a combination of blue and orange frozen drinks mixed with a shot of Bacardi 151. You can can try the drink that is as sensational as the American Recording Artist at Funky's in Oxford, MS.
Caution: It'll get you turbo drunk Billy Stein Tennis Bro style. Stupid move... Not.
Tennis is also most likely to engage in this conversation with an American 20-something girl at some point, pardon my circling the wagon:
Babe: "I don't get tennis."
Bro: "Yeah the rules are confusing."
Babe: "How could love mean nothing?"
Bro: "It means zero, the sport is like 1,000 years old. Even the french are confused by it."
Babe: "No I mean, how could it say love means nothing? Love like means a lot of things. It should mean everything."
Bro: ...
Babe: "I just don't get it. That's like, not cool because its saying love doesn't mean anything."
Bro: "Sorry you feel that way? I guess? Or something."
Babe: "But I love tennis though. The outfits are so cute."
After one too many of those conversations, tennis bro isn't actually part of the pack anymore because he jumped off the tallest building he could find. And now after a long sabbatical where he was out rocking jukeboxes and serving up $$$$, Harley Babeslayer is back with the ONLY WORDS THAT MATTER on Tennis Bros.
Pretty devastated about Rafa's winning streak in Monte Carlo coming to an end. Oh wait, no I'm not, I don't give a F***. Cram that up your cram hole, douche.
It's pretty simple really. Tennis players are not cool at all. Believe me, I travel the world kicking their asses and serving up $$$$. Don't get me wrong, The Tomato Bruiser makes this sport look awesome, I get that. Serving 140 MPH and donning a mustache is a pretty rocking combination. But I could make curling look cool. Let's take a look at the obvious problems that surround the ultra bitch-like guys that play this game. Here are tennis' top 3 problems:
1. No country music songs are ever made about this sport. The lacking badassness of full speed collisions or good American values in the modern times of the sport make it pretty unbearable to be around the other players.
2. Only 1 out of 10 actually make money playing the game. You have to be a badass #Babeslayer or a socialist play this game professionally. Why do you think so many Europeans win at this game?
3. Rafael Nadal. It's not jealousy that I can't pull games off of him. It's the fact that everything the B man does, Nadal imitates. I brought back short shorts and started winning, and what does Rafa do? I swear if this guy comes out with a matching mustache I'm going to give him a wedgie so hard the Moors will feel the pain in their ass.
Not to mention, all these little pretty boys that roam around the locker room all remind me of Kim Jong Un. Not because they're North Korean, I'm pretty sure he made it illegal to play tennis or have any kind of fun of any kind in that country. Tennis Dudes remind me of Kim Jong Un because they're all tiny little midgets that I for some reason haven't shoved in a high place or locked in a dumpster whenever they talk.
Screw this and screw other tennis players. I'm going to go challenge Digital Serena Williams to a Bicep Curls contest. Bruiser Out.
Follow me on twitter @thetennisbro to discuss tennis bros or North Korea or anything else.
A Bro Above All
Billy stein ~ The Tennis Bro
Serving up $$$$
Harley Babeslayer ~ Professional Tennis Player
Time to talk about the bro traits and Wolfpack status of tennis. Some of you are probably all "Oh yeah, tennis bro is finally going to give the game credit as the most epic sport ever." A misunderstanding I should probably clear up before this argument goes further.
Tennis, for your information, is only my 5th favorite sport to play. Let that stun sink in for a second... Okay, great. Now that that's on the table, here is a list of my favorite sports to play; some of which a few of you may not consider sports:
1. Slow pitch softball
2. Trampoline WWE-style No-Holds-Barred wrestling
3. Imitation Olympic diving
4. Any and all coordination-required drinking games
5. TENNIS bros
But anyway, this sport is pretty kickass, and takes a serious role in the 'pack. So without further interruption, the final installment of the sports as bros franchise, this is tennis as a bro:
Ready?
Set?
BRO
Tennis is kind of like Zoltan from the fabled flick, Dude Where's my car? This is not a prose about his unique sense of fashion, but rather the fact that tennis is more of a cult than any sport. Allow me to explain.
From a very young age, the tennis community fixates itself on personal interest. It rarely seems to be about how tennis is played, but rather, what players are wearing when they play. Heaven forbid ladies league tennis players should ever wear the same Maria Sharapova dress twice in a month.
BABE RECOGNISH
That over romanticized tale of the kid who had nothing but a pair of gym socks and a raggedy basketball... Tennis Bro doesn't understand that. You take your raggedy ball thats missing air, tennis was coordinating his shoes, not based on how they correspond with his playing style, but with which $90 pastel shirt he planned to wear that day during the tournament.
Tennis bro is crucial to the wolfpack for a few reasons. He is an unbelievable pong player; making basketball less of a match up nightmare. Not to mention he is responsible for one of the all time greats.
Tennis is a self-motivator. So while golf is busy being a huge doucher, and football is lifting weights at 5 pm on a Friday, tennis is the 'pack member getting baseball and lax bro to start drinking the cheap stuff; works every time. He's also the realest bro in the pack, ratings don't lie. Tennis was used to realistic standards of reality at a younger age when his ranking was low because he wasn't as good as others in the state. When golf acts like total idiot loser, tennis is not the first to call him out for sucking, but definitely the most thorough.
Tennis may not be the featured wolf in the pack, but he still pulls girls that look like Kate Upton.
This is because every girl ever that meets tennis uses the same starting line "Oh you play tennis? You should teach me how to play some time."
Every dude that ever played tennis is shaking his head right now, because it has happened to us all. The best part about this inquiry, is that 0% of the time, the girl actually found her way onto the tennis court with us. But yes, we agree, tennis skirts would look great on you.
When at the bar, tennis chills the most. Football is busy raking up a tab because it makes sense that Sam Adams Boston Lager makes your biceps bigger right? Haven't you seen a BroScience video on Youtube before? The fact that tennis is up front about his lightweight tolerance that never improved after all the years of binge drinking in college, makes him A. a party all star and B. Able to scoot by getting drunk on 2 Coors banquet tall boys and being rowdier than Basketball after 3 Taylor Swift's #Funkytown.
SIDE NOTE: A Taylor Swift is a combination of blue and orange frozen drinks mixed with a shot of Bacardi 151. You can can try the drink that is as sensational as the American Recording Artist at Funky's in Oxford, MS.
Caution: It'll get you turbo drunk Billy Stein Tennis Bro style. Stupid move... Not.
Tennis is also most likely to engage in this conversation with an American 20-something girl at some point, pardon my circling the wagon:
Babe: "I don't get tennis."
Bro: "Yeah the rules are confusing."
Babe: "How could love mean nothing?"
Bro: "It means zero, the sport is like 1,000 years old. Even the french are confused by it."
Babe: "No I mean, how could it say love means nothing? Love like means a lot of things. It should mean everything."
Bro: ...
Babe: "I just don't get it. That's like, not cool because its saying love doesn't mean anything."
Bro: "Sorry you feel that way? I guess? Or something."
Babe: "But I love tennis though. The outfits are so cute."
After one too many of those conversations, tennis bro isn't actually part of the pack anymore because he jumped off the tallest building he could find. And now after a long sabbatical where he was out rocking jukeboxes and serving up $$$$, Harley Babeslayer is back with the ONLY WORDS THAT MATTER on Tennis Bros.
Pretty devastated about Rafa's winning streak in Monte Carlo coming to an end. Oh wait, no I'm not, I don't give a F***. Cram that up your cram hole, douche.
It's pretty simple really. Tennis players are not cool at all. Believe me, I travel the world kicking their asses and serving up $$$$. Don't get me wrong, The Tomato Bruiser makes this sport look awesome, I get that. Serving 140 MPH and donning a mustache is a pretty rocking combination. But I could make curling look cool. Let's take a look at the obvious problems that surround the ultra bitch-like guys that play this game. Here are tennis' top 3 problems:
1. No country music songs are ever made about this sport. The lacking badassness of full speed collisions or good American values in the modern times of the sport make it pretty unbearable to be around the other players.
2. Only 1 out of 10 actually make money playing the game. You have to be a badass #Babeslayer or a socialist play this game professionally. Why do you think so many Europeans win at this game?
3. Rafael Nadal. It's not jealousy that I can't pull games off of him. It's the fact that everything the B man does, Nadal imitates. I brought back short shorts and started winning, and what does Rafa do? I swear if this guy comes out with a matching mustache I'm going to give him a wedgie so hard the Moors will feel the pain in their ass.
Not to mention, all these little pretty boys that roam around the locker room all remind me of Kim Jong Un. Not because they're North Korean, I'm pretty sure he made it illegal to play tennis or have any kind of fun of any kind in that country. Tennis Dudes remind me of Kim Jong Un because they're all tiny little midgets that I for some reason haven't shoved in a high place or locked in a dumpster whenever they talk.
Screw this and screw other tennis players. I'm going to go challenge Digital Serena Williams to a Bicep Curls contest. Bruiser Out.
Follow me on twitter @thetennisbro to discuss tennis bros or North Korea or anything else.
A Bro Above All
Billy stein ~ The Tennis Bro
Serving up $$$$
Harley Babeslayer ~ Professional Tennis Player
Sunday, April 14, 2013
If Sports Were Bros: Part 5 Lax Bro
How's it hanging bros?
A steady appetite of Miami Vice episodes and refilling the water in golf's momma's dish has me all tingly inside #Tennisbro. So fired up that I am going to put America's Davis Cup blunder behind me and talk about tennis' ultimate BROhort in the wolfpack, Lacrosse.
It is important when discussing lacrosse you remember 2 very important things:
1. the 'pack doesn't even call it "lacrosse", it is automatically referred to as Lax Bro.
2. You, yourself, may not be involved in Lax Bro's persuasion, but dammit you gotta respect it.
Lax Bro is a rare breed. During Lax's age in the covenant 18-24 demographic, you won't find any member of the wolfpack more dedicated to the craft. For whatever reason, Lax has like a 99.8% participation at the collegiate level. Never seen a club sport be taken so seriously, and for that matter, not take itself so seriously; looking at you hockey bros.
SIDE NOTE: Hockey is Canadian Lacrosse that serves 1 cool purpose, the USA Winter Olympic team. Period. Glad we cleared that up.
This is a pretty kick ass character trait. Lax Bro don't play. Once the glory days of playing are over, Lax Bro hangs it up without shame and doesn't live so far back in the past as football.
Lax bro is the most likely member of the pack to look like the coke head, coward roommate in Green Street Hooligans. Lax Bro will ball so hard on the lax pitch and than promptly join some sort of Northeastern Yacht Club. You didn't think guys who dawn kickass names like Steele Stanwick or Colin Finnerty were going to get into the Oklahoma fracking persuasion, did you? Stupid question.
While in his prime, lax bro is always practicing his throw and catch, doing so in a pair of boat shoes; duh, gym shorts and a lax jersey. Minimum of 200 flips of his lax flow per day, bro.
Let's talk ethics for a second. Since Lax Bro is clearly the Mid Atlantic spokesman of the wolfpack, he conducts his self as the highest ambassador imaginable. Along with basketball and baseball, lax bro logs long hard hours on the xbox. He probably doesn't have a skoal ring in his jeans, but I'm not going to hold that against him. He also slays the ladies.
Its kind of a combination of reasons that lax bro takes out so many girls. He has cool hair, lots of old family money, enough stories about the luxurious lifestyle to make even Steven Hawking lose focus AND a bunch of friends that are just like him. This drives the ladies CRAZY. Not exactly the kinds of ladies I go for; or really anyone else in the 'pack either, but ladies nonetheless. This collective of ice queens are called "lacrossetitutes". Don't bother unless you're lax skills are outweighed by the mansion you're inheriting... Still not worse than golf's girlfriend.
All these solid traits combined with a bag full of f***s not being given, and lax bro is right up there with baseball as the apex bro of the pack. When you hear Weezy beats from a guy who appears to be having a seizure at the pong table; rest assure, those are just flips of the flow, bro, get it together. Lax Bro, bro is in full force making party happen.
A Bro Above All
Billy Stein ~ The Tennis Bro
A steady appetite of Miami Vice episodes and refilling the water in golf's momma's dish has me all tingly inside #Tennisbro. So fired up that I am going to put America's Davis Cup blunder behind me and talk about tennis' ultimate BROhort in the wolfpack, Lacrosse.
It is important when discussing lacrosse you remember 2 very important things:
1. the 'pack doesn't even call it "lacrosse", it is automatically referred to as Lax Bro.
2. You, yourself, may not be involved in Lax Bro's persuasion, but dammit you gotta respect it.
Lax Bro is a rare breed. During Lax's age in the covenant 18-24 demographic, you won't find any member of the wolfpack more dedicated to the craft. For whatever reason, Lax has like a 99.8% participation at the collegiate level. Never seen a club sport be taken so seriously, and for that matter, not take itself so seriously; looking at you hockey bros.
SIDE NOTE: Hockey is Canadian Lacrosse that serves 1 cool purpose, the USA Winter Olympic team. Period. Glad we cleared that up.
This is a pretty kick ass character trait. Lax Bro don't play. Once the glory days of playing are over, Lax Bro hangs it up without shame and doesn't live so far back in the past as football.
Lax bro is the most likely member of the pack to look like the coke head, coward roommate in Green Street Hooligans. Lax Bro will ball so hard on the lax pitch and than promptly join some sort of Northeastern Yacht Club. You didn't think guys who dawn kickass names like Steele Stanwick or Colin Finnerty were going to get into the Oklahoma fracking persuasion, did you? Stupid question.
While in his prime, lax bro is always practicing his throw and catch, doing so in a pair of boat shoes; duh, gym shorts and a lax jersey. Minimum of 200 flips of his lax flow per day, bro.
Let's talk ethics for a second. Since Lax Bro is clearly the Mid Atlantic spokesman of the wolfpack, he conducts his self as the highest ambassador imaginable. Along with basketball and baseball, lax bro logs long hard hours on the xbox. He probably doesn't have a skoal ring in his jeans, but I'm not going to hold that against him. He also slays the ladies.
Its kind of a combination of reasons that lax bro takes out so many girls. He has cool hair, lots of old family money, enough stories about the luxurious lifestyle to make even Steven Hawking lose focus AND a bunch of friends that are just like him. This drives the ladies CRAZY. Not exactly the kinds of ladies I go for; or really anyone else in the 'pack either, but ladies nonetheless. This collective of ice queens are called "lacrossetitutes". Don't bother unless you're lax skills are outweighed by the mansion you're inheriting... Still not worse than golf's girlfriend.
All these solid traits combined with a bag full of f***s not being given, and lax bro is right up there with baseball as the apex bro of the pack. When you hear Weezy beats from a guy who appears to be having a seizure at the pong table; rest assure, those are just flips of the flow, bro, get it together. Lax Bro, bro is in full force making party happen.
A Bro Above All
Billy Stein ~ The Tennis Bro
Saturday, April 6, 2013
If Sports Were Bros: Part 4 Golf
Every equation has a least common denominator in it.
The same can be said for the Wolfpack of sports. Really just the lowest rung of the epic bro totem pole. The resident suckass of the amigos. I'm talking about golf.
Golf is the enemy, plain and simple, mofos. It wants to establish a common ground with tennis:
-Both are designed for the privileged
-Both dress nicer than any other of the sports in wolfpack
-Both have 4 major events
Blah Blah Blah; piss off golf.
Golf's arguments are pretty solid on paper. He is responsible Tiger Woods and the major motion picture Tin Cup; both are incredible enhancements to an otherwise dull society without them. Fine. Golf thinks he offers a really awesome opportunity for camaraderie among the boys. Which he actually does. But that's where the buck stops.
From a personality standpoint, golf tries to keep in heavy company with Lax Bro, bro and tennis bro. Of course they both hate him. Lax Bro doesn't like to keep his shoulders level as compared to rolling them over when playing his epic bro game. Tennis Bro doesn't like golf because he's a bottom feeder and inferior in every kind of way.
You can commonly find golf locked in his room watching the Greatest Game Ever Played and discussing the Sports Mount Rushmore:
-Tiger
-Bobby
-Arnold
-Jack
Naturally, like all wolfpack roommates politics go, golf and tennis share a bathroom in the ManCave. Wherein, golf's girlfriend left her tampons in the cabinet.
SIDENOTE: Bad call if you share a bathroom with more than 1 dude.
When golf decided to stay the night at her place, I drank several Coors Lights and threw that economy box of menstrual shields against the wall and entered a manpon fight with baseball and LaCrosse; and won #Tennisbro
We all know Bubba watson is pretty cool...
But come on man, when football and basketball are playing catch in the front yard, do you really have to tell the same story about his hook shot at the masters 50 times in a row? This while imitating in the front yard with your pitching wedge like some sort of Greek theatrical revival. Golf shakes his head no and says "No you don't understand, he never had a golf lesson and hit that. Have you ever had a golf lesson? They're intense."
You deserved the pickle juice, dijon and mayonnaise cocktail under your bed for that maneuver, among others. #Hateraide
Golf, for whatever reason, does do well with the ladies. It's probably the large bottle of Kettle One he purchased for the 4th of July cookout when everyone else was in tune with drinking cheap beer. Can't shine on that 60 cents a can stuff, bros. And are y'all grilling hot dogs? That's some weak stuff, I'm grilling a ribeye, I'll cook it though, you boys don't know how to cook a piece of meat this fine.
Here's a breakdown, if there's a pretentious girl at the wolfpack's hangout. It is a safe bet golf or lax bro brought her. If she's rolls her eyes due to the morally relaxed nature of everything around her, she came with golf. If she rolls her eyes at the condescending floozie who's rolling her eyes at everyone, she came with lax bro. She is what is called a "Lacrosstitute". Either way stay clear of both; I have myself a toddy and pretend neither exist.
On Halloween it is likely golf will go dressed as a golfer. Why put on a gorilla costume or one of those awesome full body morph suits when you can just let it be known to everyone that you're a golfer? Golf sucks.
One last point: It wouldn't be fair to say anything about golf without mentioning its other greatest player. This guy and Harley Babeslayer could really do damage to a social scene if they chilled the most. I'm talking about Shooter McGavin. Personally, I love Happy Gilmore. Hilarious movie, gave modern society Adam Sandler. Really though, the deeper meaning of the film, is that if you fail at another sport, just play golf. That is a theme in the wolfpack, too. The sports constantly remind golf that his sauce is weak and everyone does it to relax from their hectic sport's activities. But Shooter is as epic in the movie as Tiger Woods is in real life. Here are some of his finer moments:
That, my friends, is why golf is the apex suck ass in the sports bros wolfpack. Next time I will be discussing its friend, but really just inconveniently paired bro, the mythical LAX Bro, bro.
Follow me on Twitter @thetennisbro to discuss the wolfpack's role player's or golf; if you must.
A Bro Above All
Billy Stein ~ The Tennis Bro
The same can be said for the Wolfpack of sports. Really just the lowest rung of the epic bro totem pole. The resident suckass of the amigos. I'm talking about golf.
Golf is the enemy, plain and simple, mofos. It wants to establish a common ground with tennis:
-Both are designed for the privileged
-Both dress nicer than any other of the sports in wolfpack
-Both have 4 major events
Blah Blah Blah; piss off golf.
Golf's arguments are pretty solid on paper. He is responsible Tiger Woods and the major motion picture Tin Cup; both are incredible enhancements to an otherwise dull society without them. Fine. Golf thinks he offers a really awesome opportunity for camaraderie among the boys. Which he actually does. But that's where the buck stops.
From a personality standpoint, golf tries to keep in heavy company with Lax Bro, bro and tennis bro. Of course they both hate him. Lax Bro doesn't like to keep his shoulders level as compared to rolling them over when playing his epic bro game. Tennis Bro doesn't like golf because he's a bottom feeder and inferior in every kind of way.
You can commonly find golf locked in his room watching the Greatest Game Ever Played and discussing the Sports Mount Rushmore:
-Tiger
-Bobby
-Arnold
-Jack
Naturally, like all wolfpack roommates politics go, golf and tennis share a bathroom in the ManCave. Wherein, golf's girlfriend left her tampons in the cabinet.
SIDENOTE: Bad call if you share a bathroom with more than 1 dude.
When golf decided to stay the night at her place, I drank several Coors Lights and threw that economy box of menstrual shields against the wall and entered a manpon fight with baseball and LaCrosse; and won #Tennisbro
We all know Bubba watson is pretty cool...
But come on man, when football and basketball are playing catch in the front yard, do you really have to tell the same story about his hook shot at the masters 50 times in a row? This while imitating in the front yard with your pitching wedge like some sort of Greek theatrical revival. Golf shakes his head no and says "No you don't understand, he never had a golf lesson and hit that. Have you ever had a golf lesson? They're intense."
You deserved the pickle juice, dijon and mayonnaise cocktail under your bed for that maneuver, among others. #Hateraide
Golf, for whatever reason, does do well with the ladies. It's probably the large bottle of Kettle One he purchased for the 4th of July cookout when everyone else was in tune with drinking cheap beer. Can't shine on that 60 cents a can stuff, bros. And are y'all grilling hot dogs? That's some weak stuff, I'm grilling a ribeye, I'll cook it though, you boys don't know how to cook a piece of meat this fine.
Here's a breakdown, if there's a pretentious girl at the wolfpack's hangout. It is a safe bet golf or lax bro brought her. If she's rolls her eyes due to the morally relaxed nature of everything around her, she came with golf. If she rolls her eyes at the condescending floozie who's rolling her eyes at everyone, she came with lax bro. She is what is called a "Lacrosstitute". Either way stay clear of both; I have myself a toddy and pretend neither exist.
On Halloween it is likely golf will go dressed as a golfer. Why put on a gorilla costume or one of those awesome full body morph suits when you can just let it be known to everyone that you're a golfer? Golf sucks.
One last point: It wouldn't be fair to say anything about golf without mentioning its other greatest player. This guy and Harley Babeslayer could really do damage to a social scene if they chilled the most. I'm talking about Shooter McGavin. Personally, I love Happy Gilmore. Hilarious movie, gave modern society Adam Sandler. Really though, the deeper meaning of the film, is that if you fail at another sport, just play golf. That is a theme in the wolfpack, too. The sports constantly remind golf that his sauce is weak and everyone does it to relax from their hectic sport's activities. But Shooter is as epic in the movie as Tiger Woods is in real life. Here are some of his finer moments:
That, my friends, is why golf is the apex suck ass in the sports bros wolfpack. Next time I will be discussing its friend, but really just inconveniently paired bro, the mythical LAX Bro, bro.
Follow me on Twitter @thetennisbro to discuss the wolfpack's role player's or golf; if you must.
A Bro Above All
Billy Stein ~ The Tennis Bro
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