Time to talk about the bro traits and Wolfpack status of tennis. Some of you are probably all "Oh yeah, tennis bro is finally going to give the game credit as the most epic sport ever." A misunderstanding I should probably clear up before this argument goes further.
Tennis, for your information, is only my 5th favorite sport to play. Let that stun sink in for a second... Okay, great. Now that that's on the table, here is a list of my favorite sports to play; some of which a few of you may not consider sports:
1. Slow pitch softball
2. Trampoline WWE-style No-Holds-Barred wrestling
3. Imitation Olympic diving
4. Any and all coordination-required drinking games
5. TENNIS bros
But anyway, this sport is pretty kickass, and takes a serious role in the 'pack. So without further interruption, the final installment of the sports as bros franchise, this is tennis as a bro:
Ready?
Set?
BRO
Tennis is kind of like Zoltan from the fabled flick, Dude Where's my car? This is not a prose about his unique sense of fashion, but rather the fact that tennis is more of a cult than any sport. Allow me to explain.
From a very young age, the tennis community fixates itself on personal interest. It rarely seems to be about how tennis is played, but rather, what players are wearing when they play. Heaven forbid ladies league tennis players should ever wear the same Maria Sharapova dress twice in a month.
BABE RECOGNISH
That over romanticized tale of the kid who had nothing but a pair of gym socks and a raggedy basketball... Tennis Bro doesn't understand that. You take your raggedy ball thats missing air, tennis was coordinating his shoes, not based on how they correspond with his playing style, but with which $90 pastel shirt he planned to wear that day during the tournament.
Tennis bro is crucial to the wolfpack for a few reasons. He is an unbelievable pong player; making basketball less of a match up nightmare. Not to mention he is responsible for one of the all time greats.
Tennis is a self-motivator. So while golf is busy being a huge doucher, and football is lifting weights at 5 pm on a Friday, tennis is the 'pack member getting baseball and lax bro to start drinking the cheap stuff; works every time. He's also the realest bro in the pack, ratings don't lie. Tennis was used to realistic standards of reality at a younger age when his ranking was low because he wasn't as good as others in the state. When golf acts like total idiot loser, tennis is not the first to call him out for sucking, but definitely the most thorough.
Tennis may not be the featured wolf in the pack, but he still pulls girls that look like Kate Upton.
This is because every girl ever that meets tennis uses the same starting line "Oh you play tennis? You should teach me how to play some time."
Every dude that ever played tennis is shaking his head right now, because it has happened to us all. The best part about this inquiry, is that 0% of the time, the girl actually found her way onto the tennis court with us. But yes, we agree, tennis skirts would look great on you.
When at the bar, tennis chills the most. Football is busy raking up a tab because it makes sense that Sam Adams Boston Lager makes your biceps bigger right? Haven't you seen a BroScience video on Youtube before? The fact that tennis is up front about his lightweight tolerance that never improved after all the years of binge drinking in college, makes him A. a party all star and B. Able to scoot by getting drunk on 2 Coors banquet tall boys and being rowdier than Basketball after 3 Taylor Swift's #Funkytown.
SIDE NOTE: A Taylor Swift is a combination of blue and orange frozen drinks mixed with a shot of Bacardi 151. You can can try the drink that is as sensational as the American Recording Artist at Funky's in Oxford, MS.
Caution: It'll get you turbo drunk Billy Stein Tennis Bro style. Stupid move... Not.
Tennis is also most likely to engage in this conversation with an American 20-something girl at some point, pardon my circling the wagon:
Babe: "I don't get tennis."
Bro: "Yeah the rules are confusing."
Babe: "How could love mean nothing?"
Bro: "It means zero, the sport is like 1,000 years old. Even the french are confused by it."
Babe: "No I mean, how could it say love means nothing? Love like means a lot of things. It should mean everything."
Bro: ...
Babe: "I just don't get it. That's like, not cool because its saying love doesn't mean anything."
Bro: "Sorry you feel that way? I guess? Or something."
Babe: "But I love tennis though. The outfits are so cute."
After one too many of those conversations, tennis bro isn't actually part of the pack anymore because he jumped off the tallest building he could find. And now after a long sabbatical where he was out rocking jukeboxes and serving up $$$$, Harley Babeslayer is back with the ONLY WORDS THAT MATTER on Tennis Bros.
Pretty devastated about Rafa's winning streak in Monte Carlo coming to an end. Oh wait, no I'm not, I don't give a F***. Cram that up your cram hole, douche.
It's pretty simple really. Tennis players are not cool at all. Believe me, I travel the world kicking their asses and serving up $$$$. Don't get me wrong, The Tomato Bruiser makes this sport look awesome, I get that. Serving 140 MPH and donning a mustache is a pretty rocking combination. But I could make curling look cool. Let's take a look at the obvious problems that surround the ultra bitch-like guys that play this game. Here are tennis' top 3 problems:
1. No country music songs are ever made about this sport. The lacking badassness of full speed collisions or good American values in the modern times of the sport make it pretty unbearable to be around the other players.
2. Only 1 out of 10 actually make money playing the game. You have to be a badass #Babeslayer or a socialist play this game professionally. Why do you think so many Europeans win at this game?
3. Rafael Nadal. It's not jealousy that I can't pull games off of him. It's the fact that everything the B man does, Nadal imitates. I brought back short shorts and started winning, and what does Rafa do? I swear if this guy comes out with a matching mustache I'm going to give him a wedgie so hard the Moors will feel the pain in their ass.
Not to mention, all these little pretty boys that roam around the locker room all remind me of Kim Jong Un. Not because they're North Korean, I'm pretty sure he made it illegal to play tennis or have any kind of fun of any kind in that country. Tennis Dudes remind me of Kim Jong Un because they're all tiny little midgets that I for some reason haven't shoved in a high place or locked in a dumpster whenever they talk.
Screw this and screw other tennis players. I'm going to go challenge Digital Serena Williams to a Bicep Curls contest. Bruiser Out.
Follow me on twitter @thetennisbro to discuss tennis bros or North Korea or anything else.
A Bro Above All
Billy stein ~ The Tennis Bro
Serving up $$$$
Harley Babeslayer ~ Professional Tennis Player
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