It's like this, just like every group of girls has a Designated Ugly Friend; or DUF, for short, every group of guys has 1 superbly douchy brohort. You could make the argument that football might be the Alpha Douche of this list, but be real for a second, that guy is always responsible, in some sort of facet, for why the night is awesome ultimately.
SIDE NOTE: You can find DUF girl by typing in 'University of Florida coed' in google. You have to scroll a bit to get passed all the hot Florida State girls and Tim Tebow pictures, but you'll spot it with enough effort.
Let me jump right in on some sports that may be kind of bro, but only at a distance because golf needed to be perma-DD on the weekends for the rest of the wolfpack.
Soccer: Yeah I called it soccer and not football, sorry, I'm American and we have our own lucrative and ultra-compensating form of sport also called "football." Ironically though, you can't take a dive in American football to make it less manly, you instead rely on NFL administrators to make rules that make the game less manly, by pretending to be concerned about the well being of the players. Great pension system you have worked out, bros.
Okay, so here quickly is how soccer would act; assuming its personified being was American. Firstly, it would have the gelled out euro mohullet thing made famous in sport antiquity by Cristiano Ronaldo. It's part brohawk and part mullet in like a very posh European way. More than likely too, you rock the $8 stud douchy earrings that everyone I know originally from the Midwest sported proudly in their adolescence. I hate to paint with a broad brush, but if you are a guy and have piercings of any kind, there is no saving you #LULZ. There have only ever been 3 successful man piercings in history:
1. Rico Tubbs
2. Rey Mysterio Jr. during the WCW days
3. Mel Gibson in Father's Day
I do love soccer though. I consider myself a big fan of Club USA and Manchester United. Here is a short list of my 10 favorite footballers in the world.
1. Javier Hernandez- Chicharito can ball. Saw Danza Kuduro for the first time watching his highlight tape.
2. Clint Dempsey- He and I are basically twins when I have a buzz cut. Plus he's from Texas. My childhood state.
3. Diego Forlan- Such a badass.
4. Lionel Messi- Best athlete on Earth
5. Wayne Rooney- The pulse of Man United
6. Robin Van Persie- Hat trick today won Man U's 20th Premiereship trophy
7. Landon Donovan- Biggest hero in American soccer
8. Robbie Keane- This
9. Cristiano Ronaldo- Of Course he was making this list
10. Hercules Gomez- 'Merica
Unfortunately, I don't hang around with enough hooligans to justify any of you in the wolfpack. Doesn't mean I don't fully support your efforts. Olay.
Track and Field:
Wrestling: Say all you want about WWE not being real, but "real" wrestling, like the kind that involves head gear and guys milling around like a Karma Sutra short film, is considered amateur. This would not even tip my interest if the Olympic Committee didn't recently remove the sport from the 2016 games. I may take this time to inform the reader, who may not know this, that wrestling was part of the original Pentathlon in the Ancient Greek Games, but kept trampoline jumping in the games. Now I could do what journalists do and take the time to research who is on that committee and show at your house and pull this maneuver, but that would require effort beyond google and youtube and someone may actually die. So I'm going to take the next few lines of my blog I love keeping so much and leave them blank. Each blank space represents The brain activity of the folks who realize a thousand year old tradition was eradicated for trampoline jumping.
NASCAR: I didn't even know until like a week ago that NASCAR was short for something. Sorry bro beans, my jeep only goes 85 any way.
Hockey: Your sport only seems to do 2 things for me, love my country a little more every time I watch Miracle, and make me laugh at your dumbass players and abusive owners' inability to collectively bargain with one another. Try watching an NHL game on TV. Hard not to get sucked into Night of the Twisters on HBO Family when in the midst of staring deep into Barry Melrose's mullet after the first 5 minutes of either of 2, yes 2 20 minute intermissions. Going to hockey games is even worse. It's the New Years Eve effect of live sports. You go to the arena, its freezing cold, too cold to enjoy holding your cold beer. You wait patiently for glass to break or a fight to happen. If it does you win, if it doesn't, you've been to 99% of hockey games on earth. #Canada
UFC: Fun to watch on paper view. I honestly don't hang out with one person whose into the lifestyle. Can't really hang with the graphic T set of society.
Lastly
Rugby: Everything I just said about soccer with a few differences.
1. Everyone is bigger
2. Consumes more room temperature beer
3. For some reason every American that plays it mysteriously developed a fake Western European accent once they started playing it.
4. More likely to tattoo their number on their biceps
5. Far more likely to spend hours talking about how their sport is superb to American football.
Yawn yawn on that. Maybe 7's rugby is better. That sport is actually quite fun to watch. Too bad only like 2% of the earth knows what that is.
follow me on twitter, I'd love to hear about how bro your sport is @thetennisbro
A Bro Above All, Glory Glory Man United #20
Billy Stein ~ The Tennis Bro
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