The same can be said for the Wolfpack of sports. Really just the lowest rung of the epic bro totem pole. The resident suckass of the amigos. I'm talking about golf.
Golf is the enemy, plain and simple, mofos. It wants to establish a common ground with tennis:
-Both are designed for the privileged
-Both dress nicer than any other of the sports in wolfpack
-Both have 4 major events
Blah Blah Blah; piss off golf.
Golf's arguments are pretty solid on paper. He is responsible Tiger Woods and the major motion picture Tin Cup; both are incredible enhancements to an otherwise dull society without them. Fine. Golf thinks he offers a really awesome opportunity for camaraderie among the boys. Which he actually does. But that's where the buck stops.
From a personality standpoint, golf tries to keep in heavy company with Lax Bro, bro and tennis bro. Of course they both hate him. Lax Bro doesn't like to keep his shoulders level as compared to rolling them over when playing his epic bro game. Tennis Bro doesn't like golf because he's a bottom feeder and inferior in every kind of way.
You can commonly find golf locked in his room watching the Greatest Game Ever Played and discussing the Sports Mount Rushmore:
-Tiger
-Bobby
-Arnold
-Jack
Naturally, like all wolfpack roommates politics go, golf and tennis share a bathroom in the ManCave. Wherein, golf's girlfriend left her tampons in the cabinet.
SIDENOTE: Bad call if you share a bathroom with more than 1 dude.
When golf decided to stay the night at her place, I drank several Coors Lights and threw that economy box of menstrual shields against the wall and entered a manpon fight with baseball and LaCrosse; and won #Tennisbro
We all know Bubba watson is pretty cool...
But come on man, when football and basketball are playing catch in the front yard, do you really have to tell the same story about his hook shot at the masters 50 times in a row? This while imitating in the front yard with your pitching wedge like some sort of Greek theatrical revival. Golf shakes his head no and says "No you don't understand, he never had a golf lesson and hit that. Have you ever had a golf lesson? They're intense."
You deserved the pickle juice, dijon and mayonnaise cocktail under your bed for that maneuver, among others. #Hateraide
Golf, for whatever reason, does do well with the ladies. It's probably the large bottle of Kettle One he purchased for the 4th of July cookout when everyone else was in tune with drinking cheap beer. Can't shine on that 60 cents a can stuff, bros. And are y'all grilling hot dogs? That's some weak stuff, I'm grilling a ribeye, I'll cook it though, you boys don't know how to cook a piece of meat this fine.
Here's a breakdown, if there's a pretentious girl at the wolfpack's hangout. It is a safe bet golf or lax bro brought her. If she's rolls her eyes due to the morally relaxed nature of everything around her, she came with golf. If she rolls her eyes at the condescending floozie who's rolling her eyes at everyone, she came with lax bro. She is what is called a "Lacrosstitute". Either way stay clear of both; I have myself a toddy and pretend neither exist.
On Halloween it is likely golf will go dressed as a golfer. Why put on a gorilla costume or one of those awesome full body morph suits when you can just let it be known to everyone that you're a golfer? Golf sucks.
One last point: It wouldn't be fair to say anything about golf without mentioning its other greatest player. This guy and Harley Babeslayer could really do damage to a social scene if they chilled the most. I'm talking about Shooter McGavin. Personally, I love Happy Gilmore. Hilarious movie, gave modern society Adam Sandler. Really though, the deeper meaning of the film, is that if you fail at another sport, just play golf. That is a theme in the wolfpack, too. The sports constantly remind golf that his sauce is weak and everyone does it to relax from their hectic sport's activities. But Shooter is as epic in the movie as Tiger Woods is in real life. Here are some of his finer moments:
That, my friends, is why golf is the apex suck ass in the sports bros wolfpack. Next time I will be discussing its friend, but really just inconveniently paired bro, the mythical LAX Bro, bro.
Follow me on Twitter @thetennisbro to discuss the wolfpack's role player's or golf; if you must.
A Bro Above All
Billy Stein ~ The Tennis Bro
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