Opening day is Sunday. America's past time that we can no longer, as Americans, compete with the super powers of Latin America in, is back. I'm not talking about boxing; though who can tell anymore? I am talking about probably the most bro, bro in the wolfpack. I'm talking about baseball bro.
Baseball bro is perpetually in a full count; pun intended. On the one, he is one of the least fun sports to watch for people who do not have proverbial skins in the game. On the other hand, everyone loves baseball, even if you don't actually love baseball.
Baseball games are a haven for EVERYBODY. Girls love them, because for some reason, all girls, and I mean all girls, love baseball players. They're like a personified Ryan Gosling poster that can't act but can hit a change up; for whatever reason. Guys we love it because its essentially a lazy man's sport that encourages us to drink larger overpriced beers and scream obscenities at a stranger all because he is standing in the outfield. And those 2 things happen to be the most fun ever.
Within the bro troop, baseball is renowned for the fact that he is sooooo unbelievably bro. Baseball gets along swimmingly with basketball; because everyone gets along with basketball because he's the most laid back dude ever. Soccer loves the fact that baseball is so inclined to be selfless and encourage a team environment, making baseball the group's apex wingman. Baseball also likes to engage in activities such as antiquing and hiding football's gym bag for laughs with me #TennisBro. Lax bro doesn't get along so well with baseball. It is not because they don't share the same penchant for weirdo male bonding that goes along with sports with big teams. It isn't even the similarity in sports that require hand-eye coordination with a fast moving and painful ball. No. Lax bro hates baseball because the two's lifestyles are one in the same. Something that if you don't already know, will be very in your face as this series progresses.
Baseball is a killer guy's guy. In general, he dips a can of Skoal in no time while adjusting that stupid looking rope necklace thing he wears around his neck that allegedly is good for balance; under review. He is always wearing a flat bill of a professional baseball team and a button down shirt. No other sport can pull this look off with the envy of the rest of the wolfpack, but this is baseball's thing.
Philosophically speaking, baseball will remind you of America and why he's the past time; all of this while drooling wintergreen into an empty Natty Light can. Common talking points baseball will use are
-"If your sport is so great, how come no one makes $25 Million a year to play it?"
-"Does Kate Upton date anyone playing your sport?"
-"Whatever bro, you try hitting a 90 MPH fastball"
-"Hat trick? Have you ever seen a triple before? It's the single most exciting play in sports."
-"There is not a more bro sport then baseball." This point is true actually.
- "Have you even seen a sunset more beautiful than Robbie Cano's double play turn?"
SIDE NOTE: I hate the New York Yankees. Not because of their players, their rings, or the pinstripes. But because Yankees fans are the most annoying, Wal Mart brand of irrational fans in sports. They're the professional Alabama Crimson Tide. It is in the greatest love story of all time, For Love of the Game, that you get a fantastically realistic dramatization of New York Yankees fans.
-"That was a bomb."
-"The Ol' Uncle Charlie"
Those 2 sayings aren't necessarily just sports related, given baseball's mean streak.
Mandatory Kate Upton Picture for bringing her name up.
God Bless America for that girl.
Unlike basketball or football, baseball has a bit more of a complex and multi-dimensional personality. Never do you ever run into baseball out in public talking about working out and steroids like you do football. Probably because baseball doesn't have the poetic freedom to joke about the usage of PED's in its confines.
Baseball players go both ways; not a sex joke. They play defense and offense; unlike basketball which can't spell defense. I'm on fire... This has nothing to do with anything, I just wanted to make inappropriate funnies.
Here is why baseball is the Apex Bro of the wolfpack:
Baseball is as loyal and fun of a friend as anyone in the group, and yet the biggest douche EVER to girls. This combination works in spades for baseball, simply because he is baseball. He will play XBOX for hours so long as he has cheap beer and his can of snuff. His offensive brand of jokes teamed with his dumb looking brohawk hidden under his flatbill make idiots like me laugh until we can't stand up.
He also pulls way more girls then football; and boy does this ever anger football. Lacrosse hates baseball; typical wolfpack politics. Or maybe because he has cooler groupie names. A girl that loves baseball players is called a 'Cleat Chaser' where as a lax bro mattress is called a 'lacrosstitute'. Girls, if you happen to LOVE baseball simply for the fact that he is baseball and not because of the fact he recommended y'all cut the pleasantries and get to it, guess what? You're a cleat chaser. Don't believe me, then you're in cleat chaser denial. The worst sports groupie denial stage to be in.
You're probably wondering, how does baseball get away with all of these atrocities he pulls? He doesn't just get away with it, he benefits way more then football... You're football if you're asking these questions. But let me explain to our most masculine wolfpack member.
Scroll up to literally everything I've discussed. Baseball dresses like a degenerate high schooler, his events encourage more degenerate behavior. He throws a 90 MPH fastball and also has to hit that 90 MPH fastball. His nickname is the "boy of summer". His sport is super chill and kind of relaxing most of the time. All of these reasons make him super arrogant. And deservingly so.
As per the uber confident cleat chasers he pulls. Baseball is most likely to bring home the girl that equal parts sinner, and equal parts saint. Meaning she hangs out with a bunch of saints, but is probably the group rebel. And just so we're clear, baseball's girl is the only sport's girl that has friends for all the other members of the wolfpack that are cool and want to hang out... Even football can't argue that baseball hangs out with the coolest girls.
So there it is sports fans, if the wolfpack were the cast of Entourage, Baseball is definitely Vinny Chase... or maybe he's Johnny. Retract that statement, I'm not sure. But either way, he's the best bro in the wolfpack to do all bro things with.
Follow me on twitter @thetennisbro to discuss baseball's opening day, the wolfpack or any other cool stuff. Thanks to my buddy Chase for his tennis bro video. You should all like and subscribe to his channel.
The next edition will be baseball's least compatible bro, the Lax Bro, bro.
A bro above all
Billy Stein ~ The Tennis Bro
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