How's it going bros?
Consider this hypothetical:
What if all the sports were a group of buddies? American football and Futbol are just dropping some F-Bombs and playing XBOX. Hockey and Baseball are taking a Dip together. The Lax Bro is sipping on Golf Bro's father's 30 year old scotch and smoking cohibas. Meanwhile I'm upstairs helping Basketball's sister pick out which lingerie she should wear #TennisBro.
In this situational society, let's call it every guy ever's 20's, these bros all hang out. They go to the bars together, drink beer from a plastic neon funnel purchased at a convenience shop near a beach and they chase girls together. This is what each sport would be like.
Let's Start with bro Number 1: American Football.
Football takes 2 scoops of protein shake after every workout because the suggested 1 scoop on the label is for the meek and doesn't alter, in any way, his freakish body. It's not narcissism, it's the confidence to keep up with the grind. You better believe that's diet club soda in my mixed drink, gotta keep the weapon sharp... You know, the weapon that is my pristine muscular body. Believes football is the divine sport chosen for the best athletes in the world, how else could they move themselves around so fast at their size? That's why they need the pads, because they're so badass. The thought of any other sport having better athletes is simply ludicrous.
Football will definitely make fun of anyone jogging laps around the track because endurance is for pussies. It's all about speed and hugeness, bros. Do they clock the mile jog at the combine? I think not. And are you doing 3 sets of 15 with light weight on bench press? What in the world, your biceps will never burst out of your sleeves by lifting light weight a whole bunch of times.
Here's a thought, who wins a fight between the small and skilled Shaolin Monk and the larger and more intimidating looking Roman Legionary? Answer: VIKING.
Football uses the term "Back in the day" liberally. His bros will be reminded of his accomplishments some time ago because they need to be. How else would you know how awesome the sport is? Back in the day I was so awesome I had like 20 scholarship offers, but why lose weight and change positions when I could be a 4 year starter at drinking beer, right bros?
Also, all the bitches want a piece of football. Football goes to the bar, not to find ladies, heck no, but so the ladies can find football. He's so big and awesome, why wouldn't they all want on him?
This guy is most likely to talk a HUGE game and not back it up. Probably most likely to get into a rumble with someone else and win too. When basketball starts a scrap, football finishes it. Despite the two being the biggest rivals within the wolfpack.
As per the lady football brings home. More then likely, she'll have >0 but <5 cosmetic discrepancies since her 16th birthday. If I had to guess, probably some platinum blonde hair, a tattoo somewhere near her belt line; My money is on a butterfly or 4-leaf clover, maybe even a queen of hearts... All this among other ordeals only suited for the self-proclaimed alpha male of the wolfpack, football.
Coming up in part 2 is going to be basketball and it's place in the group.
Follow me on twitter @thetennisbro to discuss sports, and wolfpacks and pretty much anything else awesome.
A Bro Above All
Billy Stein ~ The Tennis Bro
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