In lieu of us reaching the quarter finals at Indian Wells I would like to take a minute and reflect on the lifeless start to the 2013 season on the ATP World Tour.
This year has started without any really epic story lines. Sure Djokovic kept his kingpin status at the Aussie Open this year; as brilliantly predicted by me, verbatim of how it happened #TennisBro. Nothing beyond that has been super memorable. All we can really say up to this point, is thank heaven the NHL exists providing us sports-related laughs that aren't our own.
Ok bros, I'm going to jog your memory of the young 2013 ATP tennis season, these are only the majority of the reasons I've previously discussed with that other guy I let share my office in between trolling all the bikini pics on my facebook newsfeed college girls keep happily posting. Keep up the good work ladies.
Ready?
Set?
BRO
1. I've touched on this several times before, and I promise this is the last time I'll harp on the internet about it, but, bros, the yellow project is a bust. Nike, adidas, even Djokovic's company, STOP DRESSING PLAYERS IN TAXI CAB YELLOW. This is just one more reason for me to flip the channel when 2 dudes I've never given a rat's ass enough about to watch before are playing in some antiquated 500-level final that interferes with all the top dog's spring break plans. You find me a player on tour, right now, who doesn't have yellow in their kit and I promise you I will buy you an ice cream cone... Maybe even give you a hug.
SIDE NOTE: I am wearing a yellow sweater as I type this. Seems hypocritical, I accept that criticism. But this thing is pimp as hell and goes perfectly with my 'dirty old man' wardrobe I've arranged for myself.
2. Rafa's return from a 7 month hiatus has been pretty successful. He's made the finals of every tournament he's played and has looked like shades of his old self and Indian Wells. However, the tournaments he's been playing in Latin America are so lowly that his counterparts are mostly no names. Let me clear 1 thing up, if I were a brofessional tennis player, I would only play those kinds of tournaments. Smack some yellow balls then go clown on the beach the rest of the day. Maybe scope the babes out. It is hard to believe the most fabled match is Rafa/Fed in the IW Quarters.
3. Djoker, Fed, Murray are just resting in the leaves right now. Their game is tight and I'd bet the Kardashian clan contributes something useful to society before a major title falls out of those 3 + Rafa. It may just be boredom, last year saw so much variety at the top, I think all tennis fans are just thirsty for more anarchy. Unfortunately the old guard is so head-and-shoulders above the whole rest of the field right now that they can skate by on keeping their tournament entries below 25 each season.
4. Ferrer, Tsonga, Del Potro, Berdych. Bros, if you're going to be anything other then the other guys with a ton of points, make a move at a major. Rafa is banged up, Fed is 183 years old and Murray/Djokovic are so wildly successful even they could get blindsided.
5. No name guys who win tournaments, back up your 250-level triumph by making a splash in an event that Pico Monaco isn't the number 1 seed in.
6. Americans: Isner-injured, Fish-recovering form injury, Querrey-on the path to top form after injury... notice any trends at the top? Sock-injury prone. Ryan Harrison has been on tour so long I forget he's only 20. I truly believe he will be the kind of guy who can compete and win at the highest level, but it won't fall his way until he gets out of the pattern of having to play the Nadal's, Djokovic's and Federer's of the world before the 3rd round of tournaments. The only way he will do so is to upset one of them in a tournament one of these days and rack up some rankings points.
Per the future, I'm high on Jack Sock and Christian Harrison. Denis Kudla is a wild card along with Donald Young and his confidence carousel. Steve Johnson went full beast mode at the open. I would not mind seeing my classmate and doubles super freak Devin Britton bust out and shock some people.
7. Time to pick up the level of play Dolgopolov and Tomic. You two serve as the best chance tennis is going to have some sort of badass in the future; something you'll want to cash in on.
I could actually do this for a whole lot longer but I have another thing that's really grinding my gears right now. Recently I tried figuring out a way to make a tennis racquet exponentially more kickass by using it as a drinking apparatus.
Having spoken to my good buddy Chase, who you should check out on twitter @Chase_Aertker. We decided we should just film it and make something epic we add to his budding and awesome youtube channel. So I did. Let me walk you through the process.
Friday March 8, 2013
8:00 am- Take 2 Budweisers out of fridge and let sit at room temperature; terrible dumb idea.
8:30 am- Purchase Gorilla Tape at CVS Pharmacy because it sounds more badass then standard duct tape.
4:30 pm- Gorilla Tape Budweiser cans to back up racquet. Taping 1 across racquet face and one on bottom of handle. Learn that no matter how tight the Gorilla Tape is wrapped, it is impossible to make look not crinkly.
4:45 pm- Take picture with warm beers taped to back up racquet.
4:46 pm- Chug.
It took 32 seconds all total. The first beer went down ok actually. A little slow to start, but no worries. The second beer was an issue, though. After 1 or two gulps of warm cheap beer it went down like an Amtrak train. I won't lie to y'all when I say chugging beers if no specialty of mine, but that 2nd beer was like trying to swallow a German U-Boat; That's what she said.
Worse then anything, Chase made an awesome video. AND CUT ME OUT OF THE WHOLE FREAKIN' THING. The first racquet chug experience was just as big a flop as the start of the season has been from a fan's perspective. However, the video is pretty awesome.
Harley Babeslayer even has a few words to offer on the season, those being The Only Words That Matter.
You neglected to put the Franchise Boy on the future of American tennis. The Tennis Bro really is a booger-eating ass hole. Place an asterisk on every tournament played this year because these jockeys haven't had to play the B man and watch me serve up $$$ all over their s***. Put me in that yellow he keeps bitching about and I'll still ball out on all of those chumps on tour.
As per that video, the "Racquet Chug", Tennis Bro, seriously shoot yourself. That has to be some of the worst beer chugging I have ever seen. I could throw at least 4 beers down and lick the froth clean off of my mustache before you even get through 2. You're complaining about Budwesier being warm and not tasting okay? WTF? Don't all soccer hooligans drink the heavy stuff warm? At least that's what Eurotrip makes it look like. God bless those idiot morons watching soccer and not the Babeslayer.
Serena Williams and I had a 'FROdown last night on the courts in Dubai. Babeslayer 6-2, 6-1. I let her have those 3. The trick to this tour, let the ladies who have reputations of running shop have a couple of games on their serve. Do I actually feel like chasing her wide serves? Hell no. Just put that weak s*** right in my smash zone and watch the $$$$ explode.
I've had enough of this. All of you jockeys follow me on twitter @HBabeslayer for the best tennis commentary coming straight from a professional.
Enjoy the viewing, follow me on twitter @thetennisbro to talk anything tennis-related.
A Bro Above All
Billy Stein ~ The Tennis Bro
Screw This Blog and The Tennis Bro's pretty pink shorts
Harley Babeslayer ~ Professional Tennis Player.
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