Monday 3:53 PM EST
Roger Federer, the Godfather of the ATP World Tour family sits in his chair. His feet are crossed, heels on the mahogany as he stares at his trophy case that the spans the distance of a modern movie screen. Fifteen years of history reflected in the shine of 76 trophies. An eye-popping 17 coming from major titles. Seven particularly large trophies sit in the middle of it all.
The GOAT (Greatest of all Time) uncrosses his legs as he looks over to his concigliere, Stanislas Wawrinka; his compatriot from the neutral mother land, Switzerland. The GOAT leans in for an exchange with his right hand man, never breaking eye contact from the spectacle of trophies, that affirm his stance among the ranks of the greatest that have ever done it.
Godfather: There's a lot of heat coming down from the very top.
Stan: What are we gonna do? These happenings could be very detrimental to our affairs if handled improperly.
Godfather: I have decided to take matters into my own hands, Stan. I'm going to call a meeting. I'll meet with Djokovic and Nadal and Murray and all the heads of the 5 families. I am going to straighten this situation out.
Stan: Is this really right at this stage in the game, Rog?
Godfather: Stanislas, old friend, this is something I should have handled a long time ago. Just contact them... Oh and Stan?
Stan: Yeah Rog?
Godfather: Only contact them with people you trust. No one clever, clever men carry with them agendas.
Stanislas retreats from the office to gather the rest of the family. The Godfather unzips his signature cream-colored sweater and pulls out a file marked "Strawberries and cream". His silhouette is relaxed, his pulse steady. The events that transpire will surely ruffle some feathers among some people in power, juxtaposed, will surely benefit all of those who stand on the same side of the fence as the greatest gentleman the sport has ever seen.
Wednesday 2:23 PM EST
Representatives from all the 5 families come out of the office. They are clad in suits dark suits with ties except for Rafael Nadal who is in a very light blue suit with a pink shirt and sherbet orange tie. He is using a similarly orange pocket square to wipe an abundance of sweat from his forehead. The mood is light, the most powerful men in business are all smiles, except for the GOAT, who is keeping his host's reserve learned in his adolescence at cotillion.
The Godfather sees out his smiley guests who share handshakes with one another before each of their respective drivers take them back to different parts of Europe. He waves over his number 2, Stanislas Wawrinka, back to the office. The two men sit on the couch along with under boss Marco Chiudinelli. Fed loosens his zipper and begins to listen to his faithfully trusted concigliere.
Stan: What do you think?
Marco: We got 'em now. I say we don't stop at Strawberries and Cream, I say we go right after Operation Eifel Tower and handcuff the sons of guns right here and now.
Godfather: Marco, you have been a friend for a long time. I spoil you with my goodwill because I can not help it. It becomes clearer on the surface that that was a mistake. Please go get us some wine from the cellar.
Marco exits.
Godfather: Stan, It is time we move along with the next phase of Strawberries and Cream. I'm going to make them an offer they can not refuse. Please assist me, you know my typing is not great.
To: All England Club
From: Stanislas Wawrinka
CC: Andy Murray Novak Djokovic Rafael Nadal David Ferrer
Subject: Wimbledon Prize Money
4:30 PM
Dear Trustees of the All England Club,
In my boss's 15 years he has very fond memories of your tournament. He won his first Grand Slam Title right on center court and have his name sketched into your trophy and on your famous walls 7 times. You have helped him make his fortune and shape his business.
Lately, it has come to his attention that our colleagues have had misfortunes trying to succeed in this business. Having such close people in his life down on their luck is bad, bad for business.
He expects this year you will raise your prize money for the champion and all players involved, substantially. In return he will grant you his eternal friendship and all of the perks associated with being closely involved with a man of his standing.
With warm regards,
GOAT
To: Stanislas Wawrinka
From: All England Club
CC: Roger Federer
Subject: RE: Wimbledon Prize Money
4:41 PM
Mr. Federer,
We at the All England Club are very touched by your support of your fellow players. However, at this time we can not authorize any raise in prize winnings.
We do hope you and your colleagues understand. This is nothing personal, just business.
Kindly,
The All England Club Board of Trustees
To: All England Club
From: Stanislas Wawrinka
CC: ATP World Tour Roster
Subject: RE RE: Wimbledon Prize Money
5:00 PM
My boss begs you reconsider your budgeting moving forward. He is willing to accept your apology and reconsider any brash reactions if you increase the prize money for all players concerned by 30%.
With warm regards,
GOAT
To: Stanlislas Wawrinka
From: All England Club
Subject: RE RE RE: Wimbledon Prize Money
9:02 PM
You posh tosser,
We apologize for our delayed response. We couldn't keep from laughing our bullocks off. You tell your boss he will get no such apology or ludicrous prize hike. If he is concerned about others well being, he can sell one of his Mercedes or many of his Rolex watches.
This is the most prestigious tournament on Earth. The Queen herself attends in her weakened state. He should be honored to be a competitor.
Kindly,
All England Club Board of Trustees
To: All England Club
From: Roger Federer
Subject: RE RE RE RE: Wimbledon Prize Money
9:15 PM
Trustees,
My associate has informed me you are unwilling to accept my offer. He informs me, also, that you were most impolite in your delivery of your difference in opinion. So I will now clearly explain to you where we will go from here.
Recently, I met with the heads of the five families. Out of respect for our less fortunate colleagues, we agreed to boycott the 2013 tournament if the All England Club was unwilling to make a deal. If you decide to stand tall with your current decision, none of the 5 family heads will play. If you think your bullocks is hurting now, think about how it will feel when you offer Tomas Berdych the number 1 seed.
Now ask yourself how many people will actually wake up in America to watch breakfast with the queen? You will be lucky to get Pippa Middleton to come to this one. A new mom, Princess Kate, isn't going to want to leave her child with a baby sitter to watch Tsonga play a a QF against Tommy Haas, or Robredo.
We also know about your master plan to expand the grounds. It is a fantastic play, too bad it will never happen if no one buys tickets to not watch the only 4 guys that have a chance to win plus David Ferrer whose a national icon in Spain. How many angry Spaniards are going to watch Almagro be their 1-seed?
I think a 35% Increase should suffice.
With Warm Regards,
GOAT
To: Roger Federer
From: All England Club
Subject: RE RE RE RE RE: Wimbledon Prize Money
9:18 PM
Mr. Federer,
Sir. From all of us here at the All England Club BOT, we are so so sorry. Words can not describe the admiration and adoration this club and its members have for you and your coworkers efforts.
We would very much like to accommodate the ATP players. We just do not know if 35% is a possibility at this point.
Please accept this token of our sorrow.
Kindly,
All England Club Board of Trustees
To: Roger Federer
From: All England Club
Subject: RE RE RE RE RE RE: Wimbledon Prize Money
9:30 PM
Mr. Federer, have you thought it over more?
Kindly,
All England Club Board of Trustees
To: Roger Federer
From: All England Club
Subject: RE RE RE RE RE RE RE: Wimbledon Prize Money
9:32 PM
Mr. Federer?
Kindly,
All England Club Board of Trustees
To: Roger Federer
From: All England Club
Subject: RE RE RE RE RE RE RE RE: Wimbledon Prize Money
9:33 PM
Mr. Federer,
Ok fine, GOAT, you win. We at the All England Club BOT have decided to authorize a 40% Prize Money increase to 22.6 million Euros.
We will see you, Mr. Djokovic, Mr. Nadal, Mr. Murray and Mr. Ferrer in Wimby in June.
Kindly,
All England Club Board of Trustees
A Bro Above All
Billy Stein ~ The Tennis Bro (@thetennisbro)
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