All topics covered at one point originated in my office as a tennis administrator. I aspire one day to be WWE Cruiserweight Champion... You know, when they bring that distinction back.
The guy that I let share my office has a meeting way upstate today, so I don't have anyone to laugh with at the expense of the individual in question.
Pierre-Ludovic Duclos-Lasnier apparently likes to get down some girls. I mean like little girls. Now normally, in American Society, some vague weirdo French guy shots would be taken at Mr. Duclos-Lasnier, but it turns out, most French guys are actually pretty legit; despite their stereotype and record in World Wars.
Let's review the facts of the case:
-The girl was 13
-He's older then 15; 27 to be exact
-Sends D*&^ Pic
-Offers up sexual predator meet and greet
-Get's busted
-This all happens in Florida; America's most backwards place on Earth
SIDE NOTE: Floridians, WTF, how many seasons of Cops were filmed in Florida? And why do the folks always look like the popular culture depiction of an Alabama fan? As long as I'm asking questions, why does every weird thing ever happen in Florida; Hi Casey Anthony.
Not to go all To Catch a Predator on you, but here's an image of our guy .
He seems pretty normal, for a French guy #AmericaJoke. The dark hair and Auburn beard may have been a red flag, but otherwise pretty normal. Here's a question I pose to you, do all sickos look kind of normal? Because I feel like they do. You have some that are kind of obvious. But its mostly tough to spot.
Here's a few other famously gross human beings that look pretty Average Joe-like:
Heads up for these kinds of people, society, you never fully know what they're up to. Now for a special version of The Only Words That Matter on pedophilia and other deviant behavior, here's Harley Babeslayer's take.
I never trusted that sicko in the first place. He really should just have gotten into ditch digging or car washing for a living instead of being in tennis...
Who, some French guy? Not the Tennis Bro... This is awkward.
All of this Pierre pepe Le Peeyuu stuff would mean something if this guy was even good enough to have a profile on the ATP website. He doesn't. I would say this suckass's top priority oughta be playing a sport professionally he isn't awful at. I wager the babeslayer could beat this predator with my woody; not to be mistaken with any pervert innuendos, in my right hand and my left hand tied, or furry handcuffed since we're dealing with a real freak here, behind my back.
What the hell is the deal with all these functioning skidmarks on society's underpants these days? First we had the jersey shore; I think people in New Jersey are actually like that, but who asked that state to exist? Then Honey Boo Boo came out; I f&*%ing hate that family and the irreparable damage they've done to my beautiful home town of McIntyre, Georgia. Now we have Manti Te'o that dipshit moron the Tennis Bro loves to knock on so hard.
I have a SIDE NOTE for you: Te'oing isn't funny anymore you idiot jockey. Harley Shaking is the thing to do nowadays. Speaking of, EA Sports, if I get one more email blast about a Grand Slam Tennis 2 Harlem Shake video I'm going to start using my racket as a defensive tool in a bodily spot you'll want to avoid.
Now this suck stick is getting an ESPN blog for attempting to go full-stajjjj on some little girl? Can't wait to see him out at the bar reciting Megan's Law to everyone. I keep serving up the lightning and smashing $$$$ on my backhand; I know digital Sharapova has taken to liking my style, how couldn't she?
This is ridiculous. Screw ESPN, screw the Tennis Bro, screw Honey Boo Boo and screw this French guy. One of these days I'll be number one and you can all eat a big pile of s%$*.
That's all for today bros, better get old Harley a fresh tampon before he genuinely hurts someone.
This is an official Statement from all of us here at the tennis bro; and by that I mean me, and maybe the guy I let share my office.
*Clears Throat*
Fine folks, it has been a tough couple of weeks trying to determine the proper course of action to take, but I must miss the entirety of the spring tennis season with a severely derped right shoulder. I do not know the root that stemmed this derp, but I do know that my tennis shoulder hurts more then at least 4/10 of these victims man parts do in the video I have provided below.
You're probably wondering how this happened, and I am thrilled to tell you. While playing with my boss a few weeks back; whose is twice my age and at least 50 times better then I am at tennis. I was chasing a wide serve in the deuce court. The courts were clay and I tried to do a kickass power slide #TennisBro. My right knee locked in place and I fell facefirst; full face plant. KABOOM. Ever since that epic super man derp moment I've been feeling a shooting pain in whatever scientific part of my body my shoulder is.
After consulting with people who know more about science then me, I have decided to take the next 3 months off and enter into a 12 week Recovery plan. This plan will allow me to recover from my injury and shrink the time lost as I try to chase my dream of being WWE Champ. I have a right shoulder to heal and 79 pounds to gain to make it to 240; an adequate playing weight for Wrestlemania.
I have a plan in place to work on size, endurance and awareness and I'm going to share it with you here:
Ready
Set
BRO
Week 1: Eat whatever I want. Play XBox trying to achieve maximum hunter credibility on Red Dead Redemption. Workout 6 days a week at gym using subtle techniques to familiarize myself with all babes in attendance.
Week 2: Eat Whatever I want. Challenge all those online using Harley Babeslayer and win s&*% loads of matches. Workout 6 days a week getting less focused on the task at hand and better at doing arm curls and smiling all coy like at the ladies of the gym.
Week 3: Eat Whatever I want. Get sick of Harley Babeslayer's crap and start a Miami Vice Marathon. Start going to the pool and focus on making my stomach look ripped while consuming copious amounts of beer; and not that light stuff either.
Week 4: Eat whatever I want; this seems elementary at this point. Try hitting tennis balls and feel noticeable pain in right shoulder has not improved at all. Watch James Bond Movies for motivation.
Week 5: Go to Oxford, MS for Ole Miss/Texas A&M baseball weekend. Eat crawfish, play upwards of 20 drinking games consuming the cheep stuff and don't workout a bit.
Week 6: Watch fight club, then rewatch it because I gave up paying attention after the first hour. Start grilling more food because the weather is awesome. Go to the gym and see what girls, if any, still go after spring break.
Week 7: I think kickballl season has started by then.
SIDE NOTE: Supposedly a large fan of mine, code name Dirty J, has a kickball team in Jackson. Kickball, more like kick ass. I love non traditional sports. Can I get a hallelujah?
Week 8: Give up on the 12 week plan and just start hitting tennis balls again out of sheer Jackson-induced boredom.
Week 9: WRESTLEMANIA MOFOS!!!!!!!
Week 10: Flat out give up on the schedule.
10/12 is 83%. I was always more of a B student anyway.
I do intend to come back at least 50% better for mixed doubles but way better at noticing details without looking like I do.
Until next time bros, all this not playing tennis should afford me lots more to blog about. Or not, we'll see.
Follow me on twitter @thetennisbro also subscribe to the Youtube Channel Bizaertker that I have began contributing to as a creative mind. Unfortunately not in the videos, but the next one he releases about the different kinds of fans will have many of tennis bro influences.
Two spanish-speaking ass kickers made their way back to the winner's table today, Rafa Nadal and Juan Martin Del Potro.
Nadal beat former world No. 3 David Nalbandian who may go down in the history books for having the most beautiful mullet in the history of the world, and this unforgettable little incident. I think you get the idea.
Juan Martin Del Potro is one of my favorite guys in the history of the game. He has a US Open Trophy, super nice guy, his name rhymes with the word "Bro"; something essential to my dialect, and in winning that trophy, he, like his opponent today, had to defeat Roger Federer. That opponent today was Julien Benneteau.
I really only knew Bennetau by name, country and this blunder in the 2011 US Open.
Pretty classic stuff by A-Rodd. So anyway, it was a little shocking that Federer went down so early in a 500-Level tournament in Rotterdam. Not so surprising that he made the quarters, I imagine his quarterfinal appearance percentage must have him in the running for a 4.0 GPA on the 10-point scale. It was a bit of a shocker, however, that Federer got dispatched in Rotterdam before the final.
SIDE NOTE: I couldn't point out Rotterdam on a map. I appreciate that all I would have to do to find out would be to open a new tab and type it in on google, but I'm not going to do that. Some things are better kept a mystery, like how they get the caramel inside a Twix bar; which I love so much.
Fed was dropped 3 and 5 by Benneteau. Which really begged the question, who the hell is this guy? So I turned to the world's most powerful knowledge resource and the Pro Tour's biggest cheembo. In doing so I have learned a great bit about Julien B and I intend to share with you my findings.
Ready
Set
BRO
Firstly, Benneteau isn't at all who I thought he was. When I hear the name I envision Michael Llodra. Honest mistake, both are French and both are over 30.
SIDE NOTE: I also thought Benneteau was on the French Davis Cup team. The same team I predicted to win the whole thing this year. Turns out he isn't. I guess I'll carry on living my life now in 3,2,1.
For men over the age of 30, this has been a good week. German Pretty boy Tommy Haas is currently playing Milos Raonic in the final at San Jose as I type this. Raonic is looking for a 3peat out that way and Haas is 34. You want to talk about being a dinosaur for a minute? Haas is way into the fossilized stage of his career on tour. But I do give him props for still being able to play, or walk up steps un-aided.
Having topped Federer and then fellow countryman Giles Simon in the semis, JB was one match, vs. DelBROtro from winning his first career title.
That's right, he's 31, played in 8 finals and has a bagel in the wins column. Not that that's a big deal. Just making a final is a big deal, but making a bunch certifies him as something a badass in annals of tennis. He also lives in Geneva... which isn't France at all. Highly questionable.
His best pro performance was making the quarter finals of the French Open in '08 and losing to Ivan Ljubicic. How many people can say they've lost to him in a final? I don't know, but I doubt anyone else does either. He does have 6 doubles titles, but to some that doesn't count.
That's basically all I find any person needs to know about JB. But he does exist, and that's pretty neato.
Now for THE ONLY WORDS THAT MATTER on Julien Benneteau with Harley Babeslayer.
Did the Tennis Bro call me a cheembo? I have an idea for the tennis bro, why don't you take a big step back and literally F&*) yourself. Now Julien Benneteau, I didn't "check the world's most powerful resource" for information because damn it I'm a professional tennis player and I know everyone on tour.
He's part of that whole French people thing. He talks funny and only drinks Old World Wine, whatever the hell that is. We see each other in the locker room from time to time and I consciously avoid eye contact with him and here's why:
1. He just walks around the masseuse room naked. Is it so hard for you Europeans to wrap yourself in a freakin towel when in the presence of another human being?
2. Yeah we practiced together a few times. Look here, I'm no Grand Slam Champion yet, but I am on the rise big time. This guy hasn't even won A SINGLE TOURNAMENT and he's telling me I need to practice more then 30 minutes a day and try mixing speeds up. Ok bro listen here, I am Harley "The Babeslayer" Babeslayer. I hit the ball fast as f^&*. You know what you see after the ball hits my racket? A blur, and that's it... And a dollar sign because I'm $$$$$$ as hell. Dumb ass.
Okay it's only 2 reasons, but still. This old guy sucks. How old are you, like 245? These old balls on tour don't get it anymore, always saying stupid stuff like "You don't need 4 cars, you should save your money" or "That backhand of yours would be much better if you practiced it more often", shut up old times.
Oh yeah and Rafa won, against another guy whose 8,000 years old with a mullet. I can't believe the tour even allows him to compete still. I have some advice to Nalbandian, I'm not disagreeing with assaulting geriatrics, but if you're going to do it, don't do it on the court and in England where the decorum is way more uptight then the entire rest of the world. Rafa and I played recently and he won 2 and 2. I 100% blame the Tennis Bro for that, when you bring the lightning like the Babeslayer, you gotta pound aces and talk trash. Terrible waste of assets.
I need a new gig so I can stop giving opinions on worthless stuff no one cares about.
That's all I have on Julien Benneteau bros. Get at me on twitter @thetennisbro to discuss any of last week's tournaments or the one this week in Memphis.
A bro above all
Billy Stein ~ The Tennis Bro
The only thing I hate more then Julien Benneteau's lack of success is the The Tennis Bro, and Rafa Nadal
It was a small tournament in Chile; I get that, and he did not win the final against a relatively weak field; fine, but the greatest athlete to ever hit the fuzzy yellow ball for a living, is back. #Vamos
We here at the tennis bro; meaning me... and maybe my cohort Chase who made the tennis bro spoof video and perhaps even the guy I let share my office at work, are all fans of a lot of sports. I value Rafa Nadal as a combination of Dwyane Wade and Mickey Mantle on the tennis court. Allow me to elaborate.
The reason Rafa Nadal ends up injury-plagued every 2 years is because he hustles harder then anybody the sport has ever seen. He is like watching a running back, Navy Seal and tennis player all in 1. The fact that he gives that extra effort to chase balls down that he has no business chasing, and clay court power sliding on the hardest hard courts, makes him not only different form any other tennis player, but far more exciting to watch. He is also the best at celebrating the sport has ever seen. His all out hustle and relentless efforts remind me of Dwyane Wade crashing the boards or driving the lane. High impact, high reward, high injury percentage. The fact that it isn't always meant to look pretty makes it that much more badass in kind of a Gordon, from Dodgeball fashion.
SIDE NOTE: That actor's name is Stephen Root and he's the most epic pervert judge ever on Justified, the best show on tv right now.
Back to Rafa, he also reminds me a bit of Mickey Mantle. Not because he fully utilizes his superstar stature to chase after hot chicks, but because he has a forehand that is every bit as pretty as Mickey Mantle's swing. True story about Mickey Mantle for you non-baseball fans, people my age or folks who haven't seen the epic HBO original movie *61, Mickey Mantle hit a homerun 1 handed one time. No nonsense, not like a 1-handed follow through either, straight up batting lefty, clubbed it with his right hand. No small task.
I bring up the case of Mickey Mantle because, like Rafa, he swung lefty and was probably the most talented player in the history of his sport. Truly a once in a generation kind of talent. Mantle won 7 World Series in an 11 year stretch with the Yankees. He hit over 500 homeruns.
And yet despite it all, you don't talk about him like you talk about Michael Jordan, or even Derek Jeter; ironically their 11 combined rings equal Rafa's Majors total, and Phil Jackson's NBA Titles total. He's probably the broest coach ever in any sport. Rafa may not ever catch Roger Federer's 17 Major Championships, by that rationale he will never considered the greatest of all time, the G.O.A.T. as it is referred to in tennis. But all the same, it's good for the sport to have him back in it.
I'll also go so far as to say that when the French Open Drinking game is posted, all haters have to take a triple tequila shot when he pulls in trophy number 12.
And now for the Only Words That Matter on Rafa Nadal with Harley Babeslayer
I can not believe this bull s%^& to be done. Rafa nurses his injuries, triple plural, and I become the hottest lefty on tour and after coming back to a 250 level no-name tournament in Chile, he gets all the attention? He didn't even WIN the tournament. Meanwhile the Tennis Bro gives him all of this credit like he's the perfect human being and the College of Cardinals should choose him to replace the freakin' Pope? I don't know where to begin, oh wait, yes I do.
Let's start with the score line 6-7, 7-6, 6-4. So The "Mickey Mantle of Tennis" didn't even get a break against the juggernaut No. 73 player in the world? I feel like I'm taking crazy pills. Worse then anything he's telling the press his knee isn't 100 percent. 7 months of rest didn't heal your swollen knee; I hate this guy so much. I have an idea, Rafa, why don't you take a baby's bottle and fill it with sherry port or whatever you Spaniards drink, then you can act like a baby all you want and the pain will subside. That free advice is courtesy of the Harley "The Babe Slayer" Babeslayer.
Here's the worst part of all. Rafa, who we Americans grew up shaking our heads at his weird euro-legged manpris, is swagger jacking the Babeslayer's look.
That just ain't right. A man's look is his life. The entire tour will let you have the Nike Power Manpris back, but the short shorts are my things, dumb ass. Next thing you know he'll be trying to swing a Wilson wood racket with a 68" racket face. I hate this guy. I've had enough of this.
He really is quite the hater my friends. That's all bros. Hit me up on twitter @thetennisbro if you want to talk about how epic Rafa coming back is, or not if you're on the Babeslayer Bandwagon.
A bro above all
Billy Stein ~ The Tennis Bro
I can't wait to visit 45 year old Rafa in the retirement home.
We are less then a week from the most purposeless holiday of all time.
SIDE NOTE: If it lack a price, a purpose or a worth, it is worthless.
Valentine's Day is coming. In less then a week some of the best guys you know will be shelling out their money on everything from cards to roses, heart-shaped candies to chocolates, teddy bears to conflict diamonds. All in the attempt to prove to their girlfriends, fiances and wives through material possessions, that they love and care for them.
I am not a radical Anti-Vday bro by any means. Like every holiday, it does have pros and cons, pros being the following:
1. Keeps the heart-shaped candy business alive. Heart-shaped candies are like a fortune cookie with the word pairings that lack a utility, way more delicious.
2. It is a reminder of the time of year for us Mid-Southerners. Meaning Mardi Gras is either happening or about to, AND, the ATP Tournament in Memphis is about to happen... That's the only tournament within 4 hours drive of The Mississippi Capital Area each year.
3. MASSACRE MOFOS
Two-Headed Side note: 1) Wikipedia should definitely be given full credit among academia as a credible resource. How legit is EVERY subject's page on there? Way more engaging for a reader then about.com. 2) At no point did I mention insecure single girls. On the one, it is certainly more of a perk then say on Thaksgiving, but on the other, when have you ever met someone in your group that is actually cool that puts it out in the universe they're going babe hunting on Valentine's Day? #Thatguyprobz
Now allow me to mention the cons of Valentine's Day:
1. The annoying mood swings of girls eager to receive material gains on this day. If I were an emojis guy, this would be the part where I line up 2 pistols next to a constipated face and double tap that mofo and put him out of misery.
2. Since when did girls expect a valentine from their best guy friends? WTF? Is this first grade?
3. Dealing with the following that all go in miserable cluster: consoling your inconsolable single friends -Including the one dude in every group that was just broken up with within 3 months of Valentines Day and hasn't gotten over it- ridiculous floral displays at the grocery store, knowing you can't get a table at any restaurant where prime cuts of meat are served AND all the people you never talk to that know you're single and want someone else to hang out with because they think your situation was unintended.
Now, I am going to give you the best advice a 24 year old aspiring professional wrestler who happens to work in the tennis industry can give on how to absolutely BRObliterate this useless inconvenient holiday. Maybe even delve into the art of the run-on sentence. I will start with tips for the single bros, then work my way into the doomed set.
Ready
Set
BRO
Alright single bros, here's how to survive this superficial "holiday" alone.
1. Don't be the anti-Vday guy, we all get where the deep-rooted problem lies, but this is the 2nd biggest doucher on Valentines Day. If you don't traditionally play poker with your buds, or go to the shooting range or any of that random stuff... Don't pick this day to start, and if you do, do me a favor and don't vocalize it so everyone has be made aware on multiple occasions that you did Vday your way.
2. Keep your routine the same. It's a Thursday. I'm actually super stoked to go to the gym and figure out which of the girls I often stare at are single. Kick ass.
3. The gold medal winner, try to avoid it being known if you are that guy trying to meet single girls on Valentines Day. Society dictates that every girl ever is supposed to be out on some date with a guy who is literally laying the proverbial red carpet as she walks. The ladies are drunk and hormonal on this day, if you really want to walk that plank, do me a solid and keep it to yourself so I don't have to make fun of you for not reeling in 3 babes at the same time.
INTERRUPTION: I just learned that a buddy of mine uses this as post-lunch bathroom material. Good hunting Bro
4. Grow a mustache -How many times do I need to preach this one?-
Remember bros, you're not doomed like the next set is. To you bros courting or married, here's what I would do.
1. DON'T PROPOSE ON VALENTINE'S DAY. Don't even think about it. Every single proposal fail ever is caught on camera nowadays. You don't believe me?
2. Only tell your buddies your plans once, if they even ask. We don't actually care what you're doing, its not unlike anything anyone else is doing. But I would love to know the restaurant just in case there's a chance of a doggy bag for your boy at the end of the night.
3. Don't forget this day. Girls really only expect romantic gestures on Valentine's Day, their birthday, Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving, Their mom's birthday, Their dad's bday, anytime the notebook is on, whenever a friend of theirs has a romantic occasion, at weddings, on their half birthdays and for some reason when something fancy and expensive looking is in their line of sight. That means you only have 275 required romantic gesture days a year to not be a lousy boyfriend. So don't screw it up.
4. Don't watch the movie Valentine's Day... In general... anyone.
And now for more on the subject of Valentine's Day its The Only Words That Matter with Harley Babeslayer:
Dear god, I never thought he would actually stop talking. Takes that suckwod 7 tries before I finally got my first tour win. I hate the tennis bro, I hate him so much. So anways, Valentine's Day. Let me start out by telling you a little Tennis Bro history regarding that dimestore movie.
So a friend of his decides right before leaving to study abroad that they should see a movie. He picked Valentine's Day in a sold out arena and didn't even get a center-spot or the phone number from a single one of the hundred+ college girls in the theater, enough said. Could have seen Avatar, rolls dude-heavy to Valentines Day. There can only be 1 intelligent writer on this blog, clearly.
Let me just say I love this holiday and the single ladies tossing the drinks back and chasing the Babeslayer all around the world on his travels. Though I believe I'll be hitting up Digital Sharapova for a little "backhand practice" unless you go full blocker again, Tennis Bro. This holiday, like my New picture, really showcases my charming abilities, and mustache. Harley Babeslayer is a southern fried force of nature. And now a winner on the pro tour.
So I won a match recently against a muchacho named Zuma from some South American country. The irony of my straight sets win was that I always thought the Zuma was what I got when I drank the water in his native country or indulged in too much late night local flavor in his kind of country. Anyway, the stomach squirts would have been an improvement to his self-confidence after I laid waste with the lefty power game. I believe McEnroe called me the flying tomato or something stupid, pretty soon it will just be champ.
So Valentine's Day and the Zuma. I'm getting sidetracked. Both are tough on the old gut thats for sure. You know as a kid growing up in McIntyre, GA Vday was easy pickings. You're probably realizing that McIntyre is where that f&%^ing show takes place. I should have figured one of my filthy cohorts would get famous for something ridiculous that I'm sure the kind of jockeys who read this are into. There's a simple algorithm for how this one goes: Ginger fro + Mustache > Inbred fatso family.
I think I've had about enough of Valentines Day. May all of you go swimming in a freezing cold pond.
That's all for today bros.
Follow me on twitter @thetennisbro to talk Vday, the return of Rafa or Harley Babeslayer's jealousy issues.
A bro above all
Billy Stein ~ The Tennis Bro
I hope the Tennis Bro Tears up another knee piggy backing Honey Boo Boo's mama.
The challenge I issued didn't exactly go viral (roughly 600 views this weekend) but its okay because I bought an Xbox 360 yesterday.
I've heard that some sort of new better gaming system is coming out around the holidays, but with my limited demand for downtime boredom killing, this is perfect. With it I bought Grand Slam Tennis 2 by EA Sports. I'm not so blown away by their spotty motion capture of ground strokes, but I do like their Creation Zone. Unlike Top Spin Tennis that requires you build up your players with tournament experience, you just get to make your player a golden elephant right from the start.
I took the liberty of creating my own ATP World Tour Ringer. The process of doing so required 3 steps:
1. Put on good luck tank top
2. Pour some drinks
3. Ask myself "What would John McEnroe do if tasked with this responsibility?
These events are captured well by the picture below from college.
My conclusion was to create the kind of player the American public could be proud of again; of course he was going to be American #yankeedoodledandy. This bro has to have a combination of size and power like a hemi engine. He should be at least 10 years behind the rest of the tennis world, and probably prefer to drink Natty Light to Coors Original. After much debate with myself, I perfected my creation, my Frankenstein if you will. Ladies and Germs, meet the Pride of Some town in the United States of America, Mr. Harley Babeslayer.
Height: 7 feet 2 Inches of make you wet yourself Intimidation
Weight: 260 Pounds of pure Cobalt
Swings: Lefty, and ladies only if you know what I mean.
Playing Style: John McEnroe Meets Godzilla
Favorite Past time: Short Shorts, Wood Rackets and making his opponents cry and their girlfriends rosy-cheeked.
Whip: 1979 Trans Am, all black like a bad mofo would.
Dates: Your Mother
Harley Babeslayer's telepathy has really taken a death grip on my thoughts. He'd like to say a few words in a new section of the Tennis Bro called The Only Words That Matter: With Harley Babeslayer.
First of all, the fact that this moron made me look like John McEnroe's misbegotten ginger cousin, tells you everything you need to know about the credibility of what you're reading. I would also like to point out that the wooden racket and the pre-1980 undershorts he has me wearing doesn't do much for me when he plays Novak Djokovic on "Super Star" mode; he's really only playing normal level. It's 2013, jockey, could you at least give me a graphite racket and some shorts that aren't restricting the flow of air to the best part of the Babeslayer? That 6-3, 6-0 loss last night was attributed to 3 things that gomer pile controlling me allowed for:
1. I serve 135 MPH and he can't get the motion down enough to hit the ball at its highest point.
2. If he wouldn't check his phone so often; like any one wants to talk to his dumb ass any way, maybe I'd be flagging more baseline winners down.
3. Worst of all, I would be able to actually sustain momentum better if he didn't beat his fists against his chest and yell "Tennis Bro" and make wookie noises EVERY time I win a point.
What the hell is a tennis bro anyway? Is this some sort of super personality trait none of the other 15 million dudes across the earth that watch this game have? His apartment, the "Man Cave" as he calls it, smells like big foot took a number 2 in it and let it stew on a hot day. God I gotta get out here. He needs to hurry up and get WWE Smackdown vs. RAW so I can stop losing.
And 1 more thing, digital Maria Sharapova is on this game and you keep forcing me to play dudes all the time. When exactly, do you plan on giving me some court time with the babes, if you're such a bro? Get kidney stones.
He's not the most likable tennis video game created player ever, and certainly not the most politically correct, but I guess as I'll be getting used to his insults, so should you.
Follow Me on twitter @thetennisbro for all things related to tennis and everything else awesome.
A Bro Above All
Billy Stein ~ The Tennis Bro
I hope the Tennis Bro chokes on his next handful of doritos
