How to Bro About Valentines Day... if you have to

Whats up bros?

We are less then a week from the most purposeless holiday of all time.

SIDE NOTE: If it lack a price, a purpose or a worth, it is worthless.

Valentine's Day is coming. In less then a week some of the best guys you know will be shelling out their money on everything from cards to roses, heart-shaped candies to chocolates, teddy bears to conflict diamonds. All in the attempt to prove to their girlfriends, fiances and wives through material possessions, that they love and care for them.

I am not a radical Anti-Vday bro by any means. Like every holiday, it does have pros and cons, pros being the following:
1. Keeps the heart-shaped candy business alive. Heart-shaped candies are like a fortune cookie with the word pairings that lack a utility, way more delicious.
2. It is a reminder of the time of year for us Mid-Southerners. Meaning Mardi Gras is either happening or about to, AND, the ATP Tournament in Memphis is about to happen... That's the only tournament within 4 hours drive of The Mississippi Capital Area each year.
3. MASSACRE MOFOS

Two-Headed Side note: 1) Wikipedia should definitely be given full credit among academia as a credible resource. How legit is EVERY subject's page on there? Way more engaging for a reader then about.com. 2) At no point did I mention insecure single girls. On the one, it is certainly more of a perk then say on Thaksgiving, but on the other, when have you ever met someone in your group that is actually cool that puts it out in the universe they're going babe hunting on Valentine's Day? #Thatguyprobz

Now allow me to mention the cons of Valentine's Day:
1. The annoying mood swings of girls eager to receive material gains on this day. If I were an emojis guy, this would be the part where I line up 2 pistols next to a constipated face and double tap that mofo and put him out of misery.
2. Since when did girls expect a valentine from their best guy friends? WTF? Is this first grade?
3. Dealing with the following that all go in miserable cluster: consoling your inconsolable single friends -Including the one dude in every group that was just broken up with within 3 months of Valentines Day and hasn't gotten over it- ridiculous floral displays at the grocery store, knowing you can't get a table at any restaurant where prime cuts of meat are served AND all the people you never talk to that know you're single and want someone else to hang out with because they think your situation was unintended.

Now, I am going to give you the best advice a 24 year old aspiring professional wrestler who happens to work in the tennis industry can give on how to absolutely BRObliterate this useless inconvenient holiday. Maybe even delve into the art of the run-on sentence. I will start with tips for the single bros, then work my way into the doomed set.

Ready
Set
BRO

Alright single bros, here's how to survive this superficial "holiday" alone.
1. Don't be the anti-Vday guy, we all get where the deep-rooted problem lies, but this is the 2nd biggest doucher on Valentines Day. If you don't traditionally play poker with your buds, or go to the shooting range or any of that random stuff... Don't pick this day to start, and if you do, do me a favor and don't vocalize it so everyone has be made aware on multiple occasions that you did Vday your way.
2. Keep your routine the same. It's a Thursday. I'm actually super stoked to go to the gym and figure out which of the girls I often stare at are single. Kick ass.
3. The gold medal winner, try to avoid it being known if you are that guy trying to meet single girls on Valentines Day. Society dictates that every girl ever is supposed to be out on some date with a guy who is literally laying the proverbial red carpet as she walks. The ladies are drunk and hormonal on this day, if you really want to walk that plank, do me a solid and keep it to yourself so I don't have to make fun of you for not reeling in 3 babes at the same time.

INTERRUPTION: I just learned that a buddy of mine uses this as post-lunch bathroom material. Good hunting Bro

4. Grow a mustache -How many times do I need to preach this one?-

Remember bros, you're not doomed like the next set is. To you bros courting or married, here's what I would do.
1. DON'T PROPOSE ON VALENTINE'S DAY. Don't even think about it. Every single proposal fail ever is caught on camera nowadays. You don't believe me?

2. Only tell your buddies your plans once, if they even ask. We don't actually care what you're doing, its not unlike anything anyone else is doing. But I would love to know the restaurant just in case there's a chance of a doggy bag for your boy at the end of the night.
3. Don't forget this day. Girls really only expect romantic gestures on Valentine's Day, their birthday, Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving, Their mom's birthday, Their dad's bday, anytime the notebook is on, whenever a friend of theirs has a romantic occasion, at weddings, on their half birthdays and for some reason when something fancy and expensive looking is in their line of sight. That means you only have 275 required romantic gesture days a year to not be a lousy boyfriend. So don't screw it up.
4. Don't watch the movie Valentine's Day... In general... anyone.

And now for more on the subject of Valentine's Day its The Only Words That Matter with Harley Babeslayer:

Dear god, I never thought he would actually stop talking. Takes that suckwod 7 tries before I finally got my first tour win. I hate the tennis bro, I hate him so much. So anways, Valentine's Day. Let me start out by telling you a little Tennis Bro history regarding that dimestore movie.

So a friend of his decides right before leaving to study abroad that they should see a movie. He picked Valentine's Day in a sold out arena and didn't even get a center-spot or the phone number from a single one of the hundred+ college girls in the theater, enough said. Could have seen Avatar, rolls dude-heavy to Valentines Day. There can only be 1 intelligent writer on this blog, clearly.

Let me just say I love this holiday and the single ladies tossing the drinks back and chasing the Babeslayer all around the world on his travels. Though I believe I'll be hitting up Digital Sharapova for a little "backhand practice" unless you go full blocker again, Tennis Bro. This holiday, like my New picture, really showcases my charming abilities, and mustache. Harley Babeslayer is a southern fried force of nature. And now a winner on the pro tour.

So I won a match recently against a muchacho named Zuma from some South American country. The irony of my straight sets win was that I always thought the Zuma was what I got when I drank the water in his native country or indulged in too much late night local flavor in his kind of country. Anyway, the stomach squirts would have been an improvement to his self-confidence after I laid waste with the lefty power game. I believe McEnroe called me the flying tomato or something stupid, pretty soon it will just be champ.

So Valentine's Day and the Zuma. I'm getting sidetracked. Both are tough on the old gut thats for sure. You know as a kid growing up in McIntyre, GA Vday was easy pickings. You're probably realizing that McIntyre is where that f&%^ing show takes place. I should have figured one of my filthy cohorts would get famous for something ridiculous that I'm sure the kind of jockeys who read this are into. There's a simple algorithm for how this one goes: Ginger fro + Mustache > Inbred fatso family.

I think I've had about enough of Valentines Day. May all of you go swimming in a freezing cold pond.

That's all for today bros.

Follow me on twitter @thetennisbro to talk Vday, the return of Rafa or Harley Babeslayer's jealousy issues.

A bro above all

Billy Stein ~ The Tennis Bro

I hope the Tennis Bro Tears up another knee piggy backing Honey Boo Boo's mama.

Harley Babeslayer ~ Professional Tennis Player