Hey bros,
As you all know, the College Football National Championship was played last night, and boy was it ever dramatic. In the Southeastern section of the United States of America that pretty much means football season is over.
With so much talk in the office about the game and about football, the other guy I let share my office and I began to discuss what kind of glorious outcomes would manifest if we drafted a fantasy football team made entirely of movie characters.
SIDENOTE: You're probably saying, tennis bro, like 15 bleacher report writers have already done this. Take their word for it, bros, but lets face it, a tennis coach who aspires to be a WWE champion usually knows way more about what it takes to get it done then a journalist in New York, right? Right.
Now, using the fantasy football roster format of a 15 man roster, I have made a team good enough to compete with Notre Dame in last night's national championship. And maybe even dynamic enough to top the Tide.
This is how I would draft the team
Ready. Set. BRO.
Quarterbacks
Steamin Willie Beamen (Any Given Sunday)- Obviously every person to ever draft one of these teams has him as their first round draft pick. We are in the era of the dual-threat qb; which I had to edit so my dingus older brother doesn't remind me again why I need a spell checker. Beamen can beat you with his arms and with his legs. He is 100% pure swagger coming out of Dallas, Texas. Not only are you guaranteed a show on the field, but a Kardashian-like dynamic off it. He is also responsible for the best rap song/protein advertisement in the history of football movies where dude's eyes fall out. He's most assuredly 25 points a game, minimum.
Johnny Moxon (Varsity Blues)- How many 90's teen heart throb characters can say they have been a party to a whipped cream bikini courtesy of Ali Larter's teen body AND Tim Tebow completely ripping off your halftime speech in the national championship? Mox was, and still is, the best back up quarterback in the history of football movies. He set the standard for guys like Aaron Rodgers and Matt Flynn to rise up from behind the shadows and be heroes; and then go back to the shadows if you're Matt Flynn. He is a future IVY Leaguer who can scramble around and make plays. Had knowledge of the Mississippi Valley State spread offense before it became a mainstream thing. #Hipstersuperstar. Best back up still on the board after Ronny "Sunshine" Bass (Remember the Titans) and Joe Kane (The Program) get taken off the board.
Look for guys like Mike Winchell (Friday Night Lights) and Paul Crewe (The Longest Yard) to be available.
Runningbacks
Boobie Miles (Friday Night Lights)- The inspiration for the great Brian "Smash" Williams of the TV Show Friday Night Lights. It is plain and simple, if you want to win, Give Boobie the ball. This bro is such a beast, he makes Adrian Peterson look like the scout team. He caught a bad wrap tearing his ACL in the 80's. Had he had my doctor, we would still be talking about him as the biggest beast ever. Can cut left, cut right, and go right through a tackler. He's easily a 15 points a week kind of guy.
Spike (Little Giants)- Spike Don't Play With Girls! I get it bro, though I am some times curious about the gender of the others in my league #fantasyfootballburnbros. Spike is an old school power back, like Ron Dayne, but not as slow and fat. He's probably better used as a bench guy in the modern football league. Kind of a consistent 6-8 points kind of guy; which was about all the production I got out of my backs this year any way. He's a redzone type of back coming out of the Power-I Formation. Has the potential to Score abundantly in short-yardage situation.
Darnell Jefferson (The Program)- The Confidence. The Ability. The carnal knowledge of Halle Berry before we all saw her in Swordfish. Darnell Jefferson ran out a whole lot of misdirection counters. He's fast and can get it done between the tackles and bouncing outside. He does suffer from the condition Fumbleitis which categorizes itself in lots of dropped balls and -2 points for turnovers. You're playing a serious game of Russian Roulette when you insert him in, but like the kind of Russian Roulette where instead of just not being shot, something awesome happens like you grow a mustache. He could, at any time, go total Boobie Miles on you too. D-Jeff is more sought after, to me, as a starting runningback then Spike.
Charlie Dillion (School Ties)- Enter our second IVY Leaguer onto our fantasy bench. True story I had Ryan Fitzpatrick on my fantasy team this year, I would prefer to have these nerds rebooting NASA, but something about Charlie Dillion tells me he has a little Jason Bourne in him. There isn't anything substantial about Dillion, he's a busted QB that was inserted as the fullback in the Wing-T offense when the most athletic Jewish guy in film history, David Greene, enrolled at ST. Matthews. He can block, he can run; but not well. Keep Dillion around as trade bait for when the season grows long and the line up thin.
Earl Meggett (The Longest Yard)- The Barefooted scatback beat the guards in every which way possible. Though against NFL defenders and not professional wrestlers, I see those yards being harder to come by. League rules state that a player must wear protective footwear, so he may lose a step. He does still have monster potential, probably a solid guy to have back deep on kicks with Forrest Gump. He's a bench guy/special matchups player to have.
Wide Receivers
Forrest Gump (Forrest Gump)- In the most improbable move of all time, I drafted Bama alum Forrest Gump to play WR/flex for my team that I have named Notre Dame's BCS National Derpinship. You see, Forrest Gump wasn't just talented his epic poem kind of journey to find true love with his AIDS-infected love of his childhood. He can run up the middle, catch passes in the flat AND... He's the best kick returner in the history of history. Gump is so locked in at all times that he'll take out a trombonist if it means putting points on the board. And when he puts points on the board, I put points on the board. He's a 10-20 points a week kind of guy.
Rod Tidwell (Jerry McGuire)- He made the phrase "Show me the money" a phrase. He kicked a ton of ass with Tom Cruise in his home state of Arizona. He most certainly showed out on Monday Night Football against the Cowboys. He is a franchise receiver, I had one like him named Larry Fitzgerald on my league champion team last year. Tidwell isn't the biggest or fastest player in the league, but he is darn sure a consistent wide receiver. In a sport that is missing Jerry Rice, thank god we have Mr. Tidwell. SHOW ME THE MONEY!!!
Charlie Tweeder (Varsity Blues)- The most charismatic under-aged date rapist in West Texas is a phenomenal slot guy. Like Wayne Chrebet, it doesn't have to be him accumulating 70 yards after the catch on 3 passes, its him gaining 70 yards on 7 catches, and 2 of them being touchdowns. That's an easy 19 points right there. He is a potential cop car steeling, wiffle ball bat nut tapping, points-getting machine in the on this team. And it is very nice.
Jimmy Sanderson (Any Given Sunday)- It seems as if I am circling the wagons, but number 88 is the best receiver that ever lived and can catch anything; just ask him. The Dallas Crusaders learned the hard way that he can not be tamed in 1-on-1 coverage. When not doing blow with LL Cool J and LT, Jimmy is a long gains machine. Very similar to any receiver on the Packers roster.
Tight End
Brian Murphey (The Replacements)- Something about this guy says he has an aggressive side. Probably him destroying a bar in season 3 of the Office while playing Roy. He's a deaf mute, but he has sick hands. He's like Jeremy Shockey without the ability to hear. Playing safety valve on designed roll outs from Beamen spell tremendous potential for a big and sure-handed TE. Consider Rudy Zolteck too, he is flatulently propelled to success.
Kicker
Nigel 'The Leg' Gruff (The Replacements)- Ole Ole Ole Ole Oleeee. Nigel can kick a soccer ball the entire length of the field.
SIDENOTE: Serious apologies to all the readers abroad, I know calling soccer is a bastardization to your version of football.
He's wirey, he smokes cigarettes on the field and hits on sideline reporters; what isn't bro about this guy, seriously? The Welsh tender foot can kick, that is confirmed. He does have a gambling problem though, so as long as he bets on himself, we should be in business.
Defense/Special Teams
SCLSU Mud Dogs (The Waterboy)- Led by the power of Bobby Boucher's afro. A lot of angst has been stored in those cajun locks for 31 years. The fact that he is everywhere on the field means a lot of sacks, forced fumbles, fumble recoveries and Defensive TD's. This is a powerhouse pick. Potentially 30 points a game or more every time on ESPN. This may be a first round pick.
The Giants Goal Line D (Little Giants)- Only their goal line D after stopping the Cowboys. Becky "Ice Box" O'Shea is the truth wearing number 56 in Urbana. They're a break even at best defense on a normal day. Rad Tad Hanon is liable to make some plays in the secondary.
That's the draft. Here is How the Line Up Looks:
QB Willie Beamen
RB Boobie Miles
RB Darnell Jefferson
WR Rod Tidwell
WR Charlie Tweeder
TE Brain Murphey
FLEX Forrest Gump
DEF/ST SCLSU Mud Dogs
K Nigel 'The Leg' Gruff
That's a wrap on football season. I leave you with this video to enjoy the world over of my older brother getting humbled MAJOR for finishing last place in my fantasy football league this year.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TY1LjtLN1aE
Lots and Lots of good tennis coming up for the bro next week with the Australian Open finally bringing a start to the year for Novak Djokovic's trophy case.
Follow Me on Twitter @thetennisbro
Gin Gin
Billy Stein ~ The Tennis Bro
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