Because of the severity of our weather in Central Mississippi, I am now an episode behind on Justified Season 4. I also have a sneaking suspicion the other guy I let share my office picked last night to start watching it and have some sort of talking point for work tomorrow; textbook bush league stuff.
While on the treadmill at the gym trying to watch Raylan Givens punish immoral behavior; my Tuesday routine, the video played scratchy and the audio flat did not work. Here is a look at the radar that is causing this colossal pain in the ass.
Not too many things really get me angry at my core, but missing Justified live when I do not have a DVR is definitely one of them. I felt like a serial killer knowing I was breaking my new years rezy.
SIDE NOTE: Yes I made a New Years Resolution. It was a week after the fact, and it was to watch Justified from the treadmill every Tuesday night as part of my WWE Future Champion training I have going on every day at Planet Fitness on Lake Harbor in Ridgeland. Cheers for free advertising.
I love scary movies, makes me feel like an 8 year old trapped in a 24 year body instead of a 9 year old whenever I get scared and hide under blankets; and audibly tell my buddies and the babes that I wasn't scared the least bit.
The one place the scary movies miss the mark is they make their serial killers too big. It's a lot more realistic having the a short, tan guy with a Te'oing fixation -as seen below- as the killer then Dwight Howard in a Hockey Goalie Helmet.
Consider some famous killers for a second. You got Charles Manson, Adolf Hitler, Kim Jong Il and Tom Cruise in Collateral; haven't ever seen that film, but if he didn't kill anyone he should have.
All of these bros are midgets in at least 25 states.
SIDE NOTE: My apologies to dwarfs and little people. That stab wasn't aimed at any of you personally, it was just to point out that Hitler was a stupid mustache-having piece of shrimp. I digress.
In the spirit of keeping up with trends I seem to publish on this blog, I figured I'd make another sports-related list. Seeing as how my Ole Miss Rebels are doing well in basketball for the first time in a very long time; and our best player is kind of a lunatic. I figured I would assemble a basketball squad of killers who are actually more insane then Marshall Henderson. So here is my starting line up of scary movie killers.
Ready. Set. BRO.
1 Guard: Jig Saw (Saw)
In all of the movies Jig Saw was in, he never actually killed anyone. Consider eliminating innocent victims the movie killer field goal. He just offered ways for you to live in excruciating pain, or kill yourself #assists. He's the classic floor general. He sets the play up and feeds the rock to the other guys on the court.
2 Guard: Freddy Kreuger (A Nightmare on Elm Street)
He's grossly offensive looking, his charisma is plenty a reason to cheer against him if he's on the other team, and he's in your defenses head. You have nightmares about this guy. You almost have to double team him every step he takes. Freddy Kreuger is either getting wet from behind the ark or he's just leaving someone else on the floor open.
3 Swing Man: Jason Voorees (Friday the 13th)
He can kill and be killed. You think you take him out of the game and all of a sudden he's killing you on the moon. I thought the masks were scary in old hockey films because it meant I was watching old hockey films. Turns out its the iconic mask that I had when I was a kid... and wrote 'Death' in red paint to look like blood. #TennisBro. He is the most durable player on the court. Forget about being not scared at night at a summer camp, anyone whose ever seen any of these movies. Oh, and might I mention, he's 9 feet tall. Good luck covering him, Chris Bosh.
4 Power Forward: Leather Face (Texas Chainsaw Massacre)
Hollywood really missed the memo about folks who are crazy not being the build of a strong man competition. But this one is based on a true story in Travis County Texas... So who really knows? Even a nightmare in the paint Karl Malone in his prime.
5 Center: Michael Myers (Halloween)
He's 12 feet tall and will kick the you-know-what out of anyone on the Monstarz from Space Jam. This is a double-double machine. That chick he's choking out in that picture, starting center in the WNBA. Look it up.
In all of the movies Jig Saw was in, he never actually killed anyone. Consider eliminating innocent victims the movie killer field goal. He just offered ways for you to live in excruciating pain, or kill yourself #assists. He's the classic floor general. He sets the play up and feeds the rock to the other guys on the court.
2 Guard: Freddy Kreuger (A Nightmare on Elm Street)
He's grossly offensive looking, his charisma is plenty a reason to cheer against him if he's on the other team, and he's in your defenses head. You have nightmares about this guy. You almost have to double team him every step he takes. Freddy Kreuger is either getting wet from behind the ark or he's just leaving someone else on the floor open.
3 Swing Man: Jason Voorees (Friday the 13th)
He can kill and be killed. You think you take him out of the game and all of a sudden he's killing you on the moon. I thought the masks were scary in old hockey films because it meant I was watching old hockey films. Turns out its the iconic mask that I had when I was a kid... and wrote 'Death' in red paint to look like blood. #TennisBro. He is the most durable player on the court. Forget about being not scared at night at a summer camp, anyone whose ever seen any of these movies. Oh, and might I mention, he's 9 feet tall. Good luck covering him, Chris Bosh.
4 Power Forward: Leather Face (Texas Chainsaw Massacre)
Hollywood really missed the memo about folks who are crazy not being the build of a strong man competition. But this one is based on a true story in Travis County Texas... So who really knows? Even a nightmare in the paint Karl Malone in his prime.
5 Center: Michael Myers (Halloween)
He's 12 feet tall and will kick the you-know-what out of anyone on the Monstarz from Space Jam. This is a double-double machine. That chick he's choking out in that picture, starting center in the WNBA. Look it up.
No bench players made the final cut on this roster.
That's all internet trolls. Hopefully next Tuesday I'll be watching Justified like normal and won't have to scare myself with scary movie creepos anymore.
Below is the first Tennis Bro spoof video. Click like and subscribe to my buddy's youtube channel to help him out. Follow him on twitter @Chase_Aertker. If you feel the need to make one for laughs, tweet it to me @thetennisbro and be kickass.
Beware of the tall folks if you're ever in a scary movie.
Billy Stein ~ The Tennis Bro
No comments:
Post a Comment