Jo Willy Tsonga is really growing on me lately. Suffice to say, I would consider him a bro in most French way possible. The bro has made some stupid comments in years past; who hasn't?
The frog has held it down for the last several years in the top 10. He is nice to ball kids and towel girls AND bears a ridiculous resemblance to Blake Griffin who kind of looks like Jimmy Graham who is a huge bro. All of whom, one guesses, hang out with girls that look like Kate Upton.
Well played bros.
Tsonga is definitely in killer look-alike company. He also hits a #Rage forehand, a hard serve and moves the court well enough on all surfaces to be the most dangerous wild card of any opponent a top 4 player will see on their side of the draw. Despite his obvious weapons, and by weapons I mean those missiles Marky Mark is talking about with the camels in the 2006 Film of the Year, The Departed. Tsonga doesn't have the kind of hardware to rectify some of his comments he has made in his past against such champions as Novak Djokovic. Because of this, he has reached #thatguystatus. He is the most overrated drinking buddy-type of guy ever. Allow me to explain.
Ready. Set. BRO.
It is the weekend. Not that this week was any different from any others, but you're super duper excited to throw down this time. You're buddy, let's just call him Jo Wilfried Tsonga, is texting you about total beer pong domination. SOLD.
You've been hearing the rumors about his ability to dominate a party; shotguns faster then anyone, most likely to drive s*$^ faced at no consequence.
SIDE NOTE: We hear at the Tennis Bro, meaning myself; and probably the guy who I let share my office, do NOT condone drinking and driving.
This guy kind of looks like Blake Griffin too, so you know he's legit.
So the BROdown begins on the pong table. You knock you first shot in; nothing but foam in the middle cup, business as usual. His shot hits two bordering cups- The 'don't worry bro, I was just warming up' face of agreement is exchanged.
Now all hell breaks loose, they knock 2 cups BOOM, BOOM. #ballsback. On the return, shooter number 1 hits his shot and calls heating up. Shooter number 2 rims out; disaster averted, you think.
You cup out and Jo Willy misses the table completely; too much muscle. "I've been getting into shape this off season" he says.
Well while you look at him puzzled, shooter number 1 just bounced in easy AND is on fire now.
SIDE NOTE: These are obvious NBA Jams rules in effect. If you don't play NBA Jams or rollback rodeo rules in pong then you are NOT the kind of kickass bro of any age group that would read this stuff anyway.
Now you give him back the balls and he makes another cup. The triple cup swing maneuver has been pulled and all of a sudden their rack is down to 4 cups as he gets it back. He misses his shot and shooter 2 calls for an island cup. Knocks it down.
Fast Forward: You have made a subtle come back. It is a 1 against 4 cup duel. You have hit 5 while the worst drinking buddy ever managed 1 cup somehow. You're out of islands and only have 1 re-rack left that you're using sparingly for when Beer Pong Happy Gilmore knocks down the last cup. Ol' Glory has been called for 'bows once too. This game went to hell in a hand basket. And they double-tapped the last cup so there is no rebuddle. Terrible start to the night of domination.
You take a break and go to the back porch to shotgun a cheap one and get the party facet of this operation started. After the circle of friends have all told their 1 epic story it is mandatory to tell prior to shotgunning a beer; null and void in temperatures under 55 degrees Fahrenheit. He absolutely blows past you. he put his beer down so fast he had time to backhand every dude out their between the legs and laugh.
Only cool on paper so far huh?
You let your man parts heal up and head back into the party where all of a sudden the girls have had their druthers and the table is being used for flip cup. I'm getting a sense you already know how this one goes...
Because of his obvious ability to throw it back fast, you make him your anchor and no matter how terrible of a closer he is, you rely heavily on the time differential he provides if its a close relay. This race is not even close. You have a 3 cup lead in a 5 man race with just your prize drinking pony left to shut the door on the other team... But he can't flip his cup correctly.
Now as the charade progresses, you feel every sensation of a game of flip cup possible. You laugh, your heart beats real fast, you get that weird itch all over your body that goes hand in hand with wanting to win and you yell for Jo Willy to put it away like its a quarterfinal in a major; a rare but some times occurring event in his career.
You lose the flip cup game. He offers to do a boat race, boot challenge and a game of quarters to atone. You love your bro, but hate his guts so hard for being so terrible when it matters.
He is the WORST DRINKING BUDDY EVER... OF ALL TIME.
Get at me and follow me on Twitter @thetennisbro
Maybe a panel discussion of drunk Australians can convince the folks at SB Nation to give the boy a more exciting forum to get at y'all.
Gin Gin
Billy Stein ~ The Tennis Bro
No comments:
Post a Comment