Whats up bros?
I made a little road trip south to New Orleans for New Years to visit my best good friend, Caroline. My time spent in the Big Easy was fantastic. Even better was the ride down provided me a chance to finally pay respect to one of my great inspirations. For clarity's sake, maybe not an inspiration for say this blog, or anything I do while at work... like type this in my down time; but a literary genius who makes me laugh frequently.
Chad Kultgen is an author from Hollywood. His debut novel, The Average American Male is my favorite book I have stumbled upon yet; outside of a classroom setting. He has 3 novels so far and another coming out in February called The Average American Marriage; which I pre-ordered on Friday. Chad Kultgen, to me, is a bit of a revolutionary. His books are very in your face where the battle of the sexes are concerned. However, there is always an underlying theme to each of his works that critics, and feminists, seem to overlook. Anyway, I have been saying for a while I was going to pay homage to my favorite chapter of his work for months, and now I finally am.
In his first novel, the narrator; whose age, name and occupation, the reader never learns, divulges into a minute-per-minute breakdown of what he does on a usual Sunday. Though my usual Sunday is NOTHING like his, I still find that I am, perhaps, half as funny as the narrator. The final stretch of 2012 was crazy for me, 6 of the last 8 weekends spent out of town, but my Sunday was a reflection enough, so I am going to try my best to recap in the same fashion.
Ready. Set. BRO.
8:44 am Rise and Shine
8:47 am Determine my choice of shampoo has always been lousy
8:55 am start packing
8:56 am Finish packing
8:58 am Start driving to New Orleans
9:05 am Turn on KISS Greatest Hits album
10:20 am Around Louisiana Border I meet up with a real Masshole driving an Avalanche; or so I thought was a masshole, turns out this dude was a major bro.
INTERRUPTION: This dude from Massachusetts was also headed to New Orleans, for about an hour and half stretch he and I engaged in what a hashtag can only conclude to known as the #I55GrandPrix.
Let's be real, my Wrangler probably tops out at about 86 miles per hour. in order to reach such a speed, one must be pedal to the floor going down a big hill for a LONG time to reach that speed. So this dude in his big truck was like the hare racing against a very out of shape tortoise. It was a mid the constant BRO race that I became locked in a favorite past time of mine, absent-minded thinking.
10:25 am Masshole pulls around me, giving me the gangsta eyes while doing so.
At this point I conclude that I have forgotten my phone charger #figures. This I would confirm merely an hour and half later.
10:35 am I pass the dude doing the Kobe Bryant finger point; googled 'Kobe Bryant can't touch dis' to find it #BlackMamba.
I got an email notification several miles back that I finally check. I am informed I did not win my bid on a rad lacoste tennis sweater on ebay. This is utterly the 13th time I've lost a similar bidding war. One of these days the boy will become a man and utilize the 'Buy Now' option. One of these days, bros.
10:40 am Masshole passes me again doing the Robert DeNiro/Ben Stiller 'eyes on your' gesture from Meet the Parents,
The song 'Break Your Heart' by Taio Cruz comes on shuffle. Have any of y'all watched that video? Two observations, number 1. I'm shocked Taio Cruz doesn't have like 10 big time hits yet and number 2. That video probably has the most awkwardly woven love web ever.
10:50 am Finally catch up and make a pass somewhere around Hammon, LA while doing the sprinter arms at Masshole.
I begin to consider the modern state of WWE, CM Punk and John Cena are both great champions, but I am becoming very worried there will never as balanced a champ as Edge ever again. And for goodness sake's can they please hurry up and bring back cruiserweights, all this training I keep putting myself through is exhausting. #ElLoco
10:52 am Masshole pulls in front again. He does a military salute as he goes by. It is at this point I am determined to tell everyone I talk to in New Orleans about this epic exchange.
Les Grossman is a terrific character in Tropic Thunder. He's everything I expect my ass hole brother @2finestein is going to be once he goes bald and takes over the film studio he works for in LA. I wonder how it is that they made Tom Cruise's hands and arms so unbelievably gnarly and disgusting in that film.
11:29 am My car needed a cigarette break.. Just kidding, Alice doesn't smoke and neither does your boy, the bro. But I'm sure my engine was panting a bit from trying to go the 70 MPH speed limit. When I passed Masshole for the last time, I did the robot using my right arm. Mr. Roboto was NOT playing, and that dance is still cool.
I can't believe 4 months after the Andy Roddick retired, Larry Stefanki hasn't been swallowed up by any pros. There has been a lot of limbo and reshuffling on the ATP World Tour. At first I thought Jo-Wilfred Tsonga was going to hire him; with all of his tools it is hard to believe he hasn't at least played in more finals then his token appearance in the '08 Aussie. I suppose this will be his platform to continue his pattern of complaining, a common practice among underachieving Frenchmen. And ones who do accomplish stuff, #YannickNoah. Bernard Tomic is still in what appears to be a waiting stage in dealing with his father as coach. Sam Querrey would have been sexy option to team up with, but I assume he is happy with the way things are.
Larry Stefanki is the ultimate BROach on the ATP World Tour. Dating back to his youth, he was the 3rd of 3 brothers to play tennis at the same school, and in California being from Illinois #Dynasty. His coaching resume includes the likes of a guy you may have heard of named John McEnroe, Marcelo Rios and Yevgeny Kafelnikov (Both of whom reached world number 1 status). He transformed Fernando Gonzalez from the racket smashing machine to an Aussie Open finalist; he quickly morphed back into a racket smashing machine after their partnership ended. And for the last 3 years, Coach Stefanki was in charge of the resurgence of Andy Roddick.
Credit Stefanki too with his amazing ability of improving player's on-court awareness and his ability to wear logos as big as he possibly can. He also dons the best Ass Hole Cut of anyone in the tennis game right now.
I'm sure the next opportunity will appear soon. If not, his legend may exceed his output. Just ask Jon Gruden.
12:15 pm hit New Orleans traffic.
12:50 pm get out of New Orleans traffic.
12:51 pm RAGE!!
Follow me on twitter @thetennisbro and absolutely check out The Average American Marriage and anything else ever as done by Chad Kultgen.
Gin Gin
Billy Stein ~ The Tennis Bro
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