If Sports Were Bros: Part 3 Baseball

How's it going, bros?

Opening day is Sunday. America's past time that we can no longer, as Americans, compete with the super powers of Latin America in, is back. I'm not talking about boxing; though who can tell anymore? I am talking about probably the most bro, bro in the wolfpack. I'm talking about baseball bro.

Baseball bro is perpetually in a full count; pun intended. On the one, he is one of the least fun sports to watch for people who do not have proverbial skins in the game. On the other hand, everyone loves baseball, even if you don't actually love baseball.

Baseball games are a haven for EVERYBODY. Girls love them, because for some reason, all girls, and I mean all girls, love baseball players. They're like a personified Ryan Gosling poster that can't act but can hit a change up; for whatever reason. Guys we love it because its essentially a lazy man's sport that encourages us to drink larger overpriced beers and scream obscenities at a stranger all because he is standing in the outfield. And those 2 things happen to be the most fun ever.

Within the bro troop, baseball is renowned for the fact that he is sooooo unbelievably bro. Baseball gets along swimmingly with basketball; because everyone gets along with basketball because he's the most laid back dude ever. Soccer loves the fact that baseball is so inclined to be selfless and encourage a team environment, making baseball the group's apex wingman. Baseball also likes to engage in activities such as antiquing and hiding football's gym bag for laughs with me #TennisBro. Lax bro doesn't get along so well with baseball. It is not because they don't share the same penchant for weirdo male bonding that goes along with sports with big teams. It isn't even the similarity in sports that require hand-eye coordination with a fast moving and painful ball. No. Lax bro hates baseball because the two's lifestyles are one in the same. Something that if you don't already know, will be very in your face as this series progresses.

Baseball is a killer guy's guy. In general, he dips a can of Skoal in no time while adjusting that stupid looking rope necklace thing he wears around his neck that allegedly is good for balance; under review. He is always wearing a flat bill of a professional baseball team and a button down shirt. No other sport can pull this look off with the envy of the rest of the wolfpack, but this is baseball's thing.

Philosophically speaking, baseball will remind you of America and why he's the past time; all of this while drooling wintergreen into an empty Natty Light can. Common talking points baseball will use are
-"If your sport is so great, how come no one makes $25 Million a year to play it?"
-"Does Kate Upton date anyone playing your sport?"
-"Whatever bro, you try hitting a 90 MPH fastball"
-"Hat trick? Have you ever seen a triple before? It's the single most exciting play in sports."
-"There is not a more bro sport then baseball."       This point is true actually.
- "Have you even seen a sunset more beautiful than Robbie Cano's double play turn?"

SIDE NOTE: I hate the New York Yankees. Not because of their players, their rings, or the pinstripes. But because Yankees fans are the most annoying, Wal Mart brand of irrational fans in sports. They're the professional Alabama Crimson Tide. It is in the greatest love story of all time, For Love of the Game, that you get a fantastically realistic dramatization of New York Yankees fans.

-"That was a bomb."
-"The Ol' Uncle Charlie"

Those 2 sayings aren't necessarily just sports related, given baseball's mean streak.

Mandatory Kate Upton Picture for bringing her name up. 

God Bless America for that girl.

Unlike basketball or football, baseball has a bit more of a complex and multi-dimensional personality. Never do you ever run into baseball out in public talking about working out and steroids like you do football. Probably because baseball doesn't have the poetic freedom to joke about the usage of PED's in its confines.

Baseball players go both ways; not a sex joke. They play defense and offense; unlike basketball which can't spell defense. I'm on fire... This has nothing to do with anything, I just wanted to make inappropriate funnies.

Here is why baseball is the Apex Bro of the wolfpack:

Baseball is as loyal and fun of a friend as anyone in the group, and yet the biggest douche EVER to girls. This combination works in spades for baseball, simply because he is baseball. He will play XBOX for hours so long as he has cheap beer and his can of snuff. His offensive brand of jokes teamed with his dumb looking brohawk hidden under his flatbill make idiots like me laugh until we can't stand up.

He also pulls way more girls then football; and boy does this ever anger football. Lacrosse hates baseball; typical wolfpack politics. Or maybe because he has cooler groupie names. A girl that loves baseball players is called a 'Cleat Chaser' where as a lax bro mattress is called a 'lacrosstitute'. Girls, if you happen to LOVE baseball simply for the fact that he is baseball and not because of the fact he recommended y'all cut the pleasantries and get to it, guess what? You're a cleat chaser. Don't believe me, then you're in cleat chaser denial. The worst sports groupie denial stage to be in.

You're probably wondering, how does baseball get away with all of these atrocities he pulls? He doesn't just get away with it, he benefits way more then football... You're football if you're asking these questions. But let me explain to our most masculine wolfpack member.

Scroll up to literally everything I've discussed. Baseball dresses like a degenerate high schooler, his events encourage more degenerate behavior. He throws a 90 MPH fastball and also has to hit that 90 MPH fastball. His nickname is the "boy of summer". His sport is super chill and kind of relaxing most of the time. All of these reasons make him super arrogant. And deservingly so.

As per the uber confident cleat chasers he pulls. Baseball is most likely to bring home the girl that equal parts sinner, and equal parts saint. Meaning she hangs out with a bunch of saints, but is probably the group rebel. And just so we're clear, baseball's girl is the only sport's girl that has friends for all the other members of the wolfpack that are cool and want to hang out... Even football can't argue that baseball hangs out with the coolest girls.

So there it is sports fans, if the wolfpack were the cast of Entourage, Baseball is definitely Vinny Chase... or maybe he's Johnny. Retract that statement, I'm not sure. But either way, he's the best bro in the wolfpack to do all bro things with.

Follow me on twitter @thetennisbro to discuss baseball's opening day, the wolfpack or any other cool stuff. Thanks to my buddy Chase for his tennis bro video. You should all like and subscribe to his channel.

The next edition will be baseball's least compatible bro, the Lax Bro, bro.

A bro above all

Billy Stein ~ The Tennis Bro

If Sports Were Bros: Part 2 Basketball

How's it going, bros?

In the spirit of March Madness and the Sweet 16, let's talk about the next member of best friends Wolfpack, basketball.

Football's natural rival in the group, basketball prides itself on being bigger then the other bros in the group. Rather then use its size as a tool; a definition that could be modified in several ways, basketball uses its extra body space to be friendlier and develop way more man crushes. Have you ever watched Dwight Howard and Lebron James shake hands at the end of a game?

Because basketball is so big and uses its size for forces of good instead of evil, football despises basketball. This is the only rivalry within the wolfpack that may actually bring out physical altercation. Sometimes we all call chairs "Top Turnbuckles" and jump off of them to elbow drop our sleeping friends that sought refuge in a sleeping back in a buddy's vacant guest bedroom #TennisBro. However, this is the only sort of rivalry that evokes MMA and other douche bag re-enactments with the intent of malice. Let's be real, this is all football's fault. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.

Basketball doesn't dress as well as the Lax Bro or the Golf Bro, but does have a sense of style. It's the only one in the group that can make hipster frames and sweater vests look cool, and what's more, it knows it.

When at the party, basketball may not be the very best at all drinking games, but definitely is a contender in all of them. This bro is probably not the anchor on the flip cup team or a quarters all star, but is an undefeatable, table-running, last-cup-knocking-down machine in beer pong.

While in social situations, basketball is the least reclusive member of the wolfpack. Very seldom does he stay within the group and discuss what happened on Monday Night RAW; even though he should. Basketball is going to approach ladies using cunning, understated slick moves and put on a show on the dance floor. Unlike the baseball and football bros, There is no blue jeans grinding on some stranger; this is all real dance moves.

Basketball is the best athlete in the group, hands down. He's the same size of, or bigger then the premiere football has to offer, and moves just as fast. Basketball plays at the speed of soccer bro with the precision of tennis. He's not as methodical as golf bro; the enemy of tennis, but he plays on the hardest surface there is for a full contact.

SIDE NOTE: It is full contact, despite a set of rules begrudging the idea of it. Football hates that refs call penalties for things like charges and moving picks. How could anyone not like to full retard?

This bro is most likely in the group to pull a girl that is just flat out way too small for him. Hard not be smaller then a basketball player, that much is a fact. But contrary to football who likes them starting at 5'7", basketball likes them around 5'2". Something about being 2 full feet taller then your partner, really does it for me. These girls may not be so quick on the gas to jump up on the bar and dance to Def Leopard music, but they will play pool basketball with you, and they will shoot from anywhere and rub it in your face when you don't play well.

In his down time he shops on finishline.com and watches The Dream Team like a thousand times. Basketball's bros consider him to be among the most stand up dudes in the wolfpack. Basketball's overall ability to be awesome and be a loyal dude gives him some tip top status in the wolfpack.

Next Time I will be discussing everyone's favorite bro in the group to pull pranks on football bro and golf douche. I am, of course, talking about baseball.

Follow me on twitter @TheTennisBro to talk basketball, March Madness or anything else kick ass.

A Bro Above All

Billy Stein ~ The Tennis Bro

If Sports Were Bros: Part 1 Football

How's it going bros?

Consider this hypothetical:

What if all the sports were a group of buddies? American football and Futbol are just dropping some F-Bombs and playing XBOX. Hockey and Baseball are taking a Dip together. The Lax Bro is sipping on Golf Bro's father's 30 year old scotch and smoking cohibas. Meanwhile I'm upstairs helping Basketball's sister pick out which lingerie she should wear #TennisBro.

In this situational society, let's call it every guy ever's 20's, these bros all hang out. They go to the bars together, drink beer from a plastic neon funnel purchased at a convenience shop near a beach and they chase girls together. This is what each sport would be like.

Let's Start with bro Number 1: American Football.

Football takes 2 scoops of protein shake after every workout because the suggested 1 scoop on the label is for the meek and doesn't alter, in any way, his freakish body. It's not narcissism, it's the confidence to keep up with the grind. You better believe that's diet club soda in my mixed drink, gotta keep the weapon sharp... You know, the weapon that is my pristine muscular body. Believes football is the divine sport chosen for the best athletes in the world, how else could they move themselves around so fast at their size? That's why they need the pads, because they're so badass. The thought of any other sport having better athletes is simply ludicrous.

Football will definitely make fun of anyone jogging laps around the track because endurance is for pussies. It's all about speed and hugeness, bros. Do they clock the mile jog at the combine? I think not. And are you doing 3 sets of 15 with light weight on bench press? What in the world, your biceps will never burst out of your sleeves by lifting light weight a whole bunch of times.

Here's a thought, who wins a fight between the small and skilled Shaolin Monk and the larger and more intimidating looking Roman Legionary? Answer: VIKING.

Football uses the term "Back in the day" liberally. His bros will be reminded of his accomplishments some time ago because they need to be. How else would you know how awesome the sport is? Back in the day I was so awesome I had like 20 scholarship offers, but why lose weight and change positions when I could be a 4 year starter at drinking beer, right bros?

Also, all the bitches want a piece of football. Football goes to the bar, not to find ladies, heck no, but so the ladies can find football. He's so big and awesome, why wouldn't they all want on him?

This guy is most likely to talk a HUGE game and not back it up. Probably most likely to get into a rumble with someone else and win too. When basketball starts a scrap, football finishes it. Despite the two being the biggest rivals within the wolfpack.

As per the lady football brings home. More then likely, she'll have >0 but <5 cosmetic discrepancies since her 16th birthday. If I had to guess, probably some platinum blonde hair, a tattoo somewhere near her belt line; My money is on a butterfly or 4-leaf clover, maybe even a queen of hearts... All this among other ordeals only suited for the self-proclaimed alpha male of the wolfpack, football.

Coming up in part 2 is going to be basketball and it's place in the group.

Follow me on twitter @thetennisbro to discuss sports, and wolfpacks and pretty much anything else awesome.

A Bro Above All

Billy Stein ~ The Tennis Bro

The Kick Back

Whats up bros?

It has been a groovy weekend in sports for me. It was a killer weekend in general, but I feel like the deities that preside on the sports Mount Olympus heard my cry for help and opted for a little divine intervention.

If you follow along through the Tennis Bro archives, you'll know that I am a graduate of the University of Mississippi... Yes that one, that cured HIV. I also cheer for Manchester United, The Miami Heat...

SIDE NOTE: I have been a Heat fan since 2003. That year the Charlotte Hornets, the first and only, professional franchise I ever loved, left my city of birth to go to New Orleans. I was left with 2 choices, hold basketball to the same pedestal I hold the NHL (bro ass sport, teams-wise I do not care) or pick a new team. one of the originals, Alonzo Morning, was playing for the Heat and so my brother and I decided we should become Heat fans. I have been a fan for 2 NBA Titles. So don't give me any bandwagon smack.

I cheer for the Green Bay Packers, basically all professional tennis players, Randy Orton and Team USA. Here is a recap of how my sports teams did this weekend.

- Manchester United 1 Reading 0.
-Ole Miss baseball takes 2/3 from very good Arkansas team
-Miami Heat 22 straight wins
-Ole Miss basketball SEC Champs
-Rafael Nadal beats Juan Martin Del Potro in BNP Paribas Finale.

Which is where my polytheistic belief of the gods of sports comes in. Here's a quick recap of the match and what it means moving forward for tennis.

Ready?
Set?
BRO

Rafa got a very early break in the first set. His strokes have been so hot this week I can feel them 2000 miles away in Mississippi. However, his break did not last long as Del Po broke him and then again to take the first set 6-4.

Rafa then worked him in the second set to win it 6-4 then got an early break in the 3rd and sat on the lead to win it 6-4.

Here's what we take out of this match.
1. Awesome storyline that Rafa, on a hard court wins a final against a hot Del Po.

2. Nadal pulled out of Miami, meaning all of his accomplishments this week came at a price. He was either correct when he said his knee was not 100% coming into the tournament and played and won anyway. OR he was feeling great and grinded himself down to the point where he was in so much pain he would rather take the 1,000 points which may or may not be enough to jump Ferrer to move back to 4 in the world and wants to go home and chill prior to the clay court season. In either event, its a strong showing to win a Masters event, its another to do it while hurt.

3. The Del Po/Pope story is A awesome and B Definitely fitting in this triumphant week for Argentina. Kind of a cool kicker for the guy and for the press.

4. I wanted Del Po to win. It was not because of any misinformed beef I have with Nadal or me being sick of his come back; it's not even because his name rhymes with the word bro. Which is about as cool as any name gets. The simple fact of this perfect final is laid out simply. It took Nadal 7 months to recover from his knee injury and get back into the kind of form to win tournaments. It took Del Potro almost 2 full years to recover from his wrist injury and get back into top form. He is a guy who should have been in the fold all along. Tennis really ought to have a big 5. Had his luck been different, given his capabilities, Del Po could have some of the trophies possessed by Djokovic, Federer and Murray. The day he gets back to a semi final of a Major and has a real chance to win some hardware, is a good redemption day for tennis.

5. Nadal only had a little yellow in his kit, and Del Po had none. So hopefully that atom bomb of a disaster is finally over.

6. I just love how Wozniacki was villafied for so long when she was the number 1 player in the world without a major title based on the points system laid out by the WTA. She falls out of form and makes the Indian Wells final and became the media's sweetheart down the stretch. Totally not Rory-related at all... derp. Funny how the press works sometimes. #Nonsequitur

Now for a quick reflection on the BNP Paribas are The Only Words That Matter with Harley Babeslayer.

I hate Nadal like I hate every idiot with an Irish name in this country that thinks St. Paddy's day is some sort of plus-1 4th of July. The 2 go hand in hand on a day like today. They both wore green and they both suck.

I have lost 4 times to Nadal, but I've gone back to consider each match and here's what happened: The Tennis Bro sucks. Had he just had a normal functioning brain this would have been beat down city. I hit harder then that s*** sniffer Chris Brown did Rihanna. I get no respect. You can't see me when I'm clubbing balls. I'm like a seal poacher just serving up $$$. I've never played Del Po; those jockeys at EA Sports haven't allowed our paths to cross just yet. I reckon I would go full beast mode on him though. Not even The Pope can save him from that ass stomping.

Del Potro is kind of like me, only not as good. He's big but he's skinny. He hits hard but doesn't have the grit to be an alpha male out there. What I'm trying to say is that I am like the Marshall Tucker Band of offensive baseliners out there. He's really something more of Skrillex or some weird techno stuff that sucks. It would not have taken me 5 sets to beat That old suckass Federer that day.

If the Tomato Bruiser, Harley Babeslayer misses out on the SONY Erickson now that that creepo wimp Nadal is missing it, I will go full on Patrick Bateman on someone. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a March Madness bracket to complete. Follow me on twitter you suck buckets @HBabeslayer

A Bro Above All

Billy Stein ~ The Tennis Bro

Serving Up $$$$

Harley Babeslayer ~ Professional Tennis Player

The 2013 Season and Other Stuff That Sucks

How's it going bros?

In lieu of us reaching the quarter finals at Indian Wells I would like to take a minute and reflect on the lifeless start to the 2013 season on the ATP World Tour.

This year has started without any really epic story lines. Sure Djokovic kept his kingpin status at the Aussie Open this year; as brilliantly predicted by me, verbatim of how it happened #TennisBro. Nothing beyond that has been super memorable. All we can really say up to this point, is thank heaven the NHL exists providing us sports-related laughs that aren't our own.

Ok bros, I'm going to jog your memory of the young 2013 ATP tennis season, these are only the majority of the reasons I've previously discussed with that other guy I let share my office in between trolling all the bikini pics on my facebook newsfeed college girls keep happily posting. Keep up the good work ladies.

Ready?
Set?
BRO

1. I've touched on this several times before, and I promise this is the last time I'll harp on the internet about it, but, bros, the yellow project is a bust. Nike, adidas, even Djokovic's company, STOP DRESSING PLAYERS IN TAXI CAB YELLOW. This is just one more reason for me to flip the channel when 2 dudes I've never given a rat's ass enough about to watch before are playing in some antiquated 500-level final that interferes with all the top dog's spring break plans. You find me a player on tour, right now, who doesn't have yellow in their kit and I promise you I will buy you an ice cream cone... Maybe even give you a hug.

SIDE NOTE: I am wearing a yellow sweater as I type this. Seems hypocritical, I accept that criticism. But this thing is pimp as hell and goes perfectly with my 'dirty old man' wardrobe I've arranged for myself.

2. Rafa's return from a 7 month hiatus has been pretty successful. He's made the finals of every tournament he's played and has looked like shades of his old self and Indian Wells. However, the tournaments he's been playing in Latin America are so lowly that his counterparts are mostly no names. Let me clear 1 thing up, if I were a brofessional tennis player, I would only play those kinds of tournaments. Smack some yellow balls then go clown on the beach the rest of the day. Maybe scope the babes out. It is hard to believe the most fabled match is Rafa/Fed in the IW Quarters.

3. Djoker, Fed, Murray are just resting in the leaves right now. Their game is tight and I'd bet the Kardashian clan contributes something useful to society before a major title falls out of those 3 + Rafa. It may just be boredom, last year saw so much variety at the top, I think all tennis fans are just thirsty for more anarchy. Unfortunately the old guard is so head-and-shoulders above the whole rest of the field right now that they can skate by on keeping their tournament entries below 25 each season.

4. Ferrer, Tsonga, Del Potro, Berdych. Bros, if you're going to be anything other then the other guys with a ton of points, make a move at a major. Rafa is banged up, Fed is 183 years old and Murray/Djokovic are so wildly successful even they could get blindsided.

5. No name guys who win tournaments, back up your 250-level triumph by making a splash in an event that Pico Monaco isn't the number 1 seed in.

6. Americans: Isner-injured, Fish-recovering form injury, Querrey-on the path to top form after injury... notice any trends at the top? Sock-injury prone. Ryan Harrison has been on tour so long I forget he's only 20. I truly believe he will be the kind of guy who can compete and win at the highest level, but it won't fall his way until he gets out of the pattern of having to play the Nadal's, Djokovic's and Federer's of the world before the 3rd round of tournaments. The only way he will do so is to upset one of them in a tournament one of these days and rack up some rankings points.

Per the future, I'm high on Jack Sock and Christian Harrison. Denis Kudla is a wild card along with Donald Young and his confidence carousel. Steve Johnson went full beast mode at the open. I would not mind seeing my classmate and doubles super freak Devin Britton bust out and shock some people.

7. Time to pick up the level of play Dolgopolov and Tomic. You two serve as the best chance tennis is going to have some sort of badass in the future; something you'll want to cash in on.



I could actually do this for a whole lot longer but I have another thing that's really grinding my gears right now. Recently I tried figuring out a way to make a tennis racquet exponentially more kickass by using it as a drinking apparatus.

Having spoken to my good buddy Chase, who you should check out on twitter @Chase_Aertker. We decided we should just film it and make something epic we add to his budding and awesome youtube channel. So I did. Let me walk you through the process.

Friday March 8, 2013

8:00 am- Take 2 Budweisers out of fridge and let sit at room temperature; terrible dumb idea.

8:30 am- Purchase Gorilla Tape at CVS Pharmacy because it sounds more badass then standard duct tape.

4:30 pm- Gorilla Tape Budweiser cans to back up racquet. Taping 1 across racquet face and one on bottom of handle. Learn that no matter how tight the Gorilla Tape is wrapped, it is impossible to make look not crinkly.

4:45 pm- Take picture with warm beers taped to back up racquet.

4:46 pm- Chug.

It took 32 seconds all total. The first beer went down ok actually. A little slow to start, but no worries. The second beer was an issue, though. After 1 or two gulps of warm cheap beer it went down like an Amtrak train. I won't lie to y'all when I say chugging beers if no specialty of mine, but that 2nd beer was like trying to swallow a German U-Boat; That's what she said.

Worse then anything, Chase made an awesome video. AND CUT ME OUT OF THE WHOLE FREAKIN' THING. The first racquet chug experience was just as big a flop as the start of the season has been from a fan's perspective. However, the video is pretty awesome.

Harley Babeslayer even has a few words to offer on the season, those being The Only Words That Matter. 

You neglected to put the Franchise Boy on the future of American tennis. The Tennis Bro really is a booger-eating ass hole. Place an asterisk on every tournament played this year because these jockeys haven't had to play the B man and watch me serve up $$$ all over their s***. Put me in that yellow he keeps bitching about and I'll still ball out on all of those chumps on tour.

As per that video, the "Racquet Chug", Tennis Bro, seriously shoot yourself. That has to be some of the worst beer chugging I have ever seen. I could throw at least 4 beers down and lick the froth clean off of my mustache before you even get through 2. You're complaining about Budwesier being warm and not tasting okay? WTF? Don't all soccer hooligans drink the heavy stuff warm? At least that's what Eurotrip makes it look like. God bless those idiot morons watching soccer and not the Babeslayer.

Serena Williams and I had a 'FROdown last night on the courts in Dubai. Babeslayer 6-2, 6-1. I let her have those 3. The trick to this tour, let the ladies who have reputations of running shop have a couple of games on their serve. Do I actually feel like chasing her wide serves? Hell no. Just put that weak s*** right in my smash zone and watch the $$$$ explode.

I've had enough of this. All of you jockeys follow me on twitter @HBabeslayer for the best tennis commentary coming straight from a professional.

Enjoy the viewing, follow me on twitter @thetennisbro to talk anything tennis-related.

A Bro Above All

Billy Stein ~ The Tennis Bro

Screw This Blog and The Tennis Bro's pretty pink shorts

Harley Babeslayer ~ Professional Tennis Player.

Return of the BRO

I broke my own rule, bros.

I had said I was going to take 10 weeks off from swinging sticks to let my shoulder heal up. That plan made it what had to have been less than 2 weeks.

So I played a little bit of dubs last night. Where to begin on this disaster, how about the excruciating pain of warming up?

I played with some older folks last night. They aren't quite seniors or in the USTA's new 55 and older division, but some of them have kids older then me. It would come off as derogatory to call them old people, so I'll compromise and use Jordan as their descriptor.

SIDE NOTE: For those out there who don't know me personally, every time I do not recall someone's name when telling a story, I use the name "Jordan" and keep on telling it. In this case I only remember the name of 1 of the 3 other people on court any way, so Jordan is on point right now.

Jordans don't warm up... No seriously, they don't even play that small ball stuff I love so much prior to backing up to the baseline and hitting. They take like 1 minute of ground strokes and then just start playing. They don't even take serves.

I am going to spare you the details of my partner and I losing 5-7, 4-6 and just give you the highlights:

-Shoulder pain commences within the first 35 seconds of feeble excuse for a warm up.
-This shot was exchanged at least like 47 times

-On a court full of folks older then me, Justin Beiber was brought up more then the sequester or any other super adult stuff.
-We had a 4-2 lead in the first set that we managed to give away; though I'm pretty sure they jobbed us on scoring in the 7th game, that ad was ours and then they called a bad line. Scum.
-I learned a Big Lots credit card only has to be paid off once a year #advertising.
-Serving hurt my shoulder
-forehand volleys hurt my shoulder
-Drinking water hurt my shoulder
-My partner told the desk folk at the members only club in which I belong that I just came to watch... I had 2 racquets in my hand.
-I had 4 separate games serving up 40-15.
-I held 0 of my 6 serving games. Maybe we'd have won if I were relevant and not mediocre. But then this would be the ballad of and average tennis player.

I was hoping to get to tell y'all all about my triumphant return to the court; maybe narrated by that guy from NFL films. However, it seems more appropriate that if I must tell the world about my tennis exploits, that they be shortcomings.

Interestingly enough, My left hand man has some words about my none-to-glorious comeback. So with the Only Words That Matter, here's Harley Babeslayer's commentary.

First of all, Billy, no one cares about you losing some stupid pick up match against a bunch of old people whose names you don't remember. Seriously, who reads this guy? More importantly I want some words with the BNP Paribas f***ers in California.

Where was the Babeslayer's invite? Trust fund baby Gulbis is doing work this year against all those jockeys his lucky ass is getting paired up against. How did I get passed on? I won 6 matches in a row against Xbox Live's best European competitors. Do I even need to elaborate on what kind of a feet that is? My second serves are coming in at 130. The $$$$$$$ is flying in these parts.

David Ferrer, out. Pico Monaco, out. Janko whatever his name is, out. Next year world rankings oughta be ignored and the man with the golden star power stick should be put in the spot light. He's ready. You see the 'stache and fro? Its is hard to be such an unstoppable force on court and look this good.

Also, Johnny Mac, I hear you talking smack about my s*** when I'm on court. I'll take you on any surface. I am talking about a FROdown, you vs. me, any time. best of 3 short sets. Winner gets Digital Sharapova.

Anyway if you jockeys are on twitter, you can find me @HBabeslayer. Now if you'll excuse me, I have better stuff to be doing then talking to you suck asses.

Always a charmer, Harley. Get at me on twitter @TheTennisBro for any tennis or subject discussion.

A Bro Above All

Billy Stein ~ The Tennis Bro

I hope the tennis bro gets the 'zuma, that'll shut him up.

Harley Babeslayer ~ Professional Tennis Player

That is Blogworthy

How's it going bros?

Lately, I've noticed, every time I attempt to do something cool my friends ask me, are you going to add that to your blog? Are you going to blog about it? Will that make it in the blog?

Firstly, that's freakin' awesome that anybody reads this thing enough to hope that if I'm going to light a bag a dog dookie on fire and ring my weirdo neighbor's doorbell, it makes it on here. And when I do that to him, eventually, it will surely make it on the internet.

SIDE NOTE: Today is my brother Dan's, 26th birthday.  I called him at 8:41 Mississippi time, which I think is like midnight last night California time. Tweet at him @2finestein to wish him the opposite of a happy birthday today.

We here at the tennis bro, and by we I mean me, and maybe the guy I let share my office, like to make lists. So here's a list of things I consider #blogworthy.

Ready?
Set?
BRO

1. Men's tennis distributors, enough yellow clothing. This trend does not look cool, in fact it's annoying. Here's a situation for you: You're watching a tennis match, both bros are testing the yellow section of the color wheel. You want to keep up with the fast-moving yellow ball, but oh wait you can't because the full yellow outfit is too distracting.

2. Are the Miami Heat ever going to lose again? They aren't just winning games, they're playing on a whole other level then the rest of the league right now. The sanctity of the movie Moneyball; a top 20 favorite of mine, is going to become highly questionable if the Heat keep winning. Like any kickass dude of a certain age, I used the streak as a platform to cast awesome unintentional political tweets.

3. My Alma Mater cured AIDS. I wouldn't actually write anything about this, but I'm just saying it happened... in Mississippi, playa.

4. At one point I won 4 matches in a row on xbox live using Harley Babeslayer.

5. Arantxa Rus is perfect. I could probably fill a notebook on that one.

6. Selfies are stupid and serve absolutely zero purpose unless you inherit some rocking aves from your pimp ass deceased grandpa. That face was ridiculous and not cool, and I'm ok with that. I'm not really sure if you're supposed to smile or pull a stupid face when taking a picture to show off your kick ass new frames.

7. @Chase_Aertker and I will be releasing a new video on the Bizaertker Channel in a few weeks that surely will be more entertaining then anything else you'll do in that short time span. #Spoiler

Just so we're clear, the whole point of this was to inform you that yellow tennis clothes suck, Arantxa Rus is a babe, selfies are not cool at all and my alma mater, not Harvard, cured HIV.

That felt so good I'm going to say it again, my alma mater, not Harvard, cured HIV.

A Bro Above All

Billy Stein ~ The Tennis Bro