How's it going bros?
My readership expands. The tennis community has chosen to laugh at jokes rather than get offended; cha ching. And to the reader(s) in Russia, extreme shout out to you, bro(s).
I apologize for the hiatus, just in case any of you actually get pumped for me to publish my genius. My dad, the original tennis bro, was in town this weekend and we were absolutely up to our same old father son shenanigans. These shenanigans included going to an oyster bar and ordering ZERO seafood, playing 2 and half hour of tennis and drinking vodka instead of water when we finished, and having a WILD experience at a fine local eatery.
The place was Burgers and Blues in Ridgeland, MS. The players were my papa, my buddy Dee and, of course, the Black Mamba. This dinner was clutch; great food, high gravity beer, and my mom wasn't around to filter papa bro. Among the highlights of the meal included 2 rounds of Abita Andygator; way more KABOOM in that mess then the norm, Dee Spilling his water over and our hot waitress writing 'Sippy Cup' on his new cup and my dad choosing to ignore the fact that I introduced him to the Show Man Vs. Food while talking for 20 minutes about some episodes.
SIDE NOTE: The Burgers and Blues Food Challenge was attempted by Adam Richman and Food won.
ANOTHER SIDE NOTE: In the next few days I will sneaking my own picture up on the wall in full on Black Mamba attire doing my 'Mach 3 Hunter' pose despite not finishing my 4 oz cheese burger. #Tennisbromaneuver
Our waitress was a smoke show, too. Blue eyes, a country accent and an Ole Miss bias. That's something of a holy triumvirate. At the end of the meal when Dee said "Bring 2 checks, put the food and drinks on his and your number on mine." Her response was a blank ticket that said 601-come back again. To the viewer not from Mississippi, 601 is the area code that spans the entire central part of the state. So he got 3 out of the 10, not bad.
This waitress reminded me in many ways of Heather Watson, my favorite girl on the WTA Tour. I know I promised a list of 10 people I would go to Happy Hour with, but I imagine Heather would be the most fun out of the 10. She also tests at a 72% on the Stinging Nostril Scale.
SIDE NOTE: The stinging nostril scale is a very unscientific scale used to predict the likelihood something will be said or done that is so funny that one's drink is not swallowed but spit up due to dumb s%&* laughter. This often includes beverage coming out the nostrils creating a stinging sensation for the best part of 2 seconds. There is not equation for this test and I have noticed that my friends usually never spit up from something I do; too suave, but I always seem to allocate myself some stinging nostrils. There's something not right about me.
I have been doing my homework; through a handful of youtube vids, pretty much homework. This is what I imagine happy hour with Heather Watson would be like:
Ready. Set. BRO.
I am still coming down to earth from the sensation of my work as the badass biker in NE-YO's newest video. My new girlfriend Carly Rae Jepsen and I are at the after party of the MTV VMA's that NE-YO and I just hosted. Who do we spot? World Number 49 Heather Watson; ranking subject to change due to her coming into her own on court, and the fact that this may not be before tomorrow when new rankings come out.
Heather is in Jackson scoping out the Science Museum on Lakeland; such a rad time. We decide to grab a drink at Pelican Cove and celebrate our mutual successes; Carly allows it then tells me to call her maybe.
Now I imagine, solely based on Green Street Hooligans; epic guy cry film, Heather drinks dark beer at room temperature. She may drink wine, or lemon drops or something girly. For street cred sake, its a Guinness. Most of this conversation is done by yelling because the band wants to make sure you can hear them play across the 5 mile reservoir spillway.
The combined energy at the table would be enough to keep a small town lit for days. Heather is big on Trey Songz and playing backhand, to me its all about protecting the deuce court with my forehand and #NEYOmagic. We are clearly 2 kindred spirits that would make a raw recreational league doubles team.
Among other topics of discussion, why English folks haven't gotten on french fries yet, Robin Van Persie-Manchester Lady Killer and above all, the creative genius of Cher Lloyd. She talks to me about Carly Rae Jepsen's and my pending nuptuals and our plan to put an end to, or marginally disrupt, or still encourage, American jokes about Canada. Pretty enthralling stuff. This is the point in which Heather Watson's pro tennis player schedule makes it impossible to continue our epic happy hour. My beer is downed and all of a sudden I am feeling a little tipsy #classicBilly.
Our similar personalities at one table verify beyond a reasonable doubt that there is really nothing to do in Jackson other then write about being a party to #NEYOmagic. Something I will laugh in everyone not named Jay Z's face about when I'm wanted to be the bad guy in every hip hop music video ever. I will still be holding out for my opportunity to enter the Royal Rumble.
Starting now I begin to countdown to the men's Year End Championship and my trip to the exciting city of Milwaukee, Wisconsin where a good friend of mine is getting married... in November. My opinions on the YEC and its contenders will be scientific without using the scientific method.
Now if you'll excuse me, WWE Hell in a Cell is on Pay Per View.
Follow me on twitter @thetennisbro
Sunday, October 28, 2012
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
Music Video Debut
How's it going bros?
My closest bros, and even some of best girl friends know I am a man of simple taste. I enjoy sports, both traditional and non-traditional. Rocking chairs and beers are the only true ways to watch a storm, and chess is the truest way to measure one's intelligence; sorry to all you s&*^ for brains that make 4.0's and can't tie your own shoes.
When I consider musicians, I stick to my guns; they're all more gifted than I am, so the least annoying to listen to is usually the way I pick favorites. I love folk music; bands like Carbon Leaf and Virginia Coalition were introduced to me by one of my best good friends, whose debt I will eternally be in for doing so. Folk music is often for the sake of the stories each song tells; like Taylor Swift, only some songs are about something other than hot girl falling for total meat cake and getting her heart broken.
My other favorite musician is NE-YO. My friend Elan was questioning my strange bias towards the man's music and this is how I explain it to you. When I was a junior in high school, NE-YO blew up with the song "So Sick". This song was about a bro who was struggling through a break up in which the lady in question clearly broke his heart. The beat was solid and lyrics were catchy. This bro was unlike anything else. In 2008, he released the album 'Year of the Gentleman'. I'm sure you've heard it, every song was kick ass. He does a song called "Champagne Life"; 'nuff said bros.
This isn't VH1 so I'll get to my point. My fanfare towards NE-YO is deep and diverse, but his overwhelming quality is something I call #NEYOmagic. The bro is so silky smooth and swaggerific, word's can not even describe it. To put it in tennis terms, he is something like Roger Federer's court movement mixed with Bjorn Borg, mixed with that feeling when you were a kid and went to the place with go-karts, mini golf, batting cages and an arcade for the first time.
#NEYOmagic is such a strong force that his video folks have literally used it as the ONLY premise in which they make his music videos by anymore. They typical NE-YO video goes something like this: Waves crashing by a beach, girl rejects NE-YO, bro does sick dance moves most of us can't to awesome beat, girl is smitten by #NEYOmagic. I'm serious, look it up.
Not that this is even the least bit boring to me, the satisfied and envious consumer, but I have a feeling his vids are a place I could make my music industry debut.
Now I know what you're thinking: Billy, you can not dance as well as NE-YO, you can't sing, and you look like an over-sized Jawa bred with a Kardsashian. Oh and Billy, you definitely don't have ANY #NEYOmagic.
Bros, I'm aware. And he could probably hit all return winners off of my serve. That's cool, I accept defeat at the hands of NE-YO. But we could at least change up the routine a little bit. Here is what I suggest:
Ready. Set. BRO.
The plot line involves a love triangle; isosceles preferably. There is a biker, a tennis player and Carly Rae Jepsen. I'm the biker, NE-YO is the tennis player and Carly Rae Jepsen is played by herself. Phillip Michael Thomas is NE-YO's coach and Don Johnson is my partner in crime #MiamiViceopenthedoor. Carly Rae Jepsen loves bad boys...
SIDENOTE: What works in NE-YO videos every time is that the girl is off put by NE-YO being a self-aware bad boy. It is after seductive lyrics and rad dance moves that they become powerless from the #NEYOmagic.
I take CRJ on the Harley; only american mofos. We cruise to sonic for cherry limeades and other super romantic dives. NE-YO shows her his deep court piercing backhand slice; every chick's weakness. The combination of adrenaline romance and extreme tennis bro maneuvers leaves Miss Jepsen's head spinning.
Naturally she gave both of us the option to call her maybe, we both refuse; too busy being badasses. Ultimately it comes down to 1-fall in the square circle. NE-YO goes full Novak BROkovic in the Expendables 2 using a tennis racquet and probably a steal chair to win by DQ. He doesn't care; neither would I, we both buy into the gangsta lifestyle.
Carly Rae obviously walks up to me in slow motion and hocks a major loog in my face, falling victim of some all caps #NEYOMAGIC. Come on, biker over tennis bro #delusional.
Here is the best part, Carly Rae and I really get married in real life and all of a sudden Americans stop making unprovoked jokes about Canada; yeah buddy. And then NE-YO and I co-host the MTV VMA's.
NE-YO, bro, I'll pitch this to your people real soon.
Next time, in the spirit of how much I like to make lists, I'll be counting down the top 10 athletes I would want to go to Happy Hour with.
Follow me on twitter @thetennisbro and use the hashtag #NEYOmagic to spread awareness of what could potentially be a great music video.
My closest bros, and even some of best girl friends know I am a man of simple taste. I enjoy sports, both traditional and non-traditional. Rocking chairs and beers are the only true ways to watch a storm, and chess is the truest way to measure one's intelligence; sorry to all you s&*^ for brains that make 4.0's and can't tie your own shoes.
When I consider musicians, I stick to my guns; they're all more gifted than I am, so the least annoying to listen to is usually the way I pick favorites. I love folk music; bands like Carbon Leaf and Virginia Coalition were introduced to me by one of my best good friends, whose debt I will eternally be in for doing so. Folk music is often for the sake of the stories each song tells; like Taylor Swift, only some songs are about something other than hot girl falling for total meat cake and getting her heart broken.
My other favorite musician is NE-YO. My friend Elan was questioning my strange bias towards the man's music and this is how I explain it to you. When I was a junior in high school, NE-YO blew up with the song "So Sick". This song was about a bro who was struggling through a break up in which the lady in question clearly broke his heart. The beat was solid and lyrics were catchy. This bro was unlike anything else. In 2008, he released the album 'Year of the Gentleman'. I'm sure you've heard it, every song was kick ass. He does a song called "Champagne Life"; 'nuff said bros.
This isn't VH1 so I'll get to my point. My fanfare towards NE-YO is deep and diverse, but his overwhelming quality is something I call #NEYOmagic. The bro is so silky smooth and swaggerific, word's can not even describe it. To put it in tennis terms, he is something like Roger Federer's court movement mixed with Bjorn Borg, mixed with that feeling when you were a kid and went to the place with go-karts, mini golf, batting cages and an arcade for the first time.
#NEYOmagic is such a strong force that his video folks have literally used it as the ONLY premise in which they make his music videos by anymore. They typical NE-YO video goes something like this: Waves crashing by a beach, girl rejects NE-YO, bro does sick dance moves most of us can't to awesome beat, girl is smitten by #NEYOmagic. I'm serious, look it up.
Not that this is even the least bit boring to me, the satisfied and envious consumer, but I have a feeling his vids are a place I could make my music industry debut.
Now I know what you're thinking: Billy, you can not dance as well as NE-YO, you can't sing, and you look like an over-sized Jawa bred with a Kardsashian. Oh and Billy, you definitely don't have ANY #NEYOmagic.
Bros, I'm aware. And he could probably hit all return winners off of my serve. That's cool, I accept defeat at the hands of NE-YO. But we could at least change up the routine a little bit. Here is what I suggest:
Ready. Set. BRO.
The plot line involves a love triangle; isosceles preferably. There is a biker, a tennis player and Carly Rae Jepsen. I'm the biker, NE-YO is the tennis player and Carly Rae Jepsen is played by herself. Phillip Michael Thomas is NE-YO's coach and Don Johnson is my partner in crime #MiamiViceopenthedoor. Carly Rae Jepsen loves bad boys...
SIDENOTE: What works in NE-YO videos every time is that the girl is off put by NE-YO being a self-aware bad boy. It is after seductive lyrics and rad dance moves that they become powerless from the #NEYOmagic.
I take CRJ on the Harley; only american mofos. We cruise to sonic for cherry limeades and other super romantic dives. NE-YO shows her his deep court piercing backhand slice; every chick's weakness. The combination of adrenaline romance and extreme tennis bro maneuvers leaves Miss Jepsen's head spinning.
Naturally she gave both of us the option to call her maybe, we both refuse; too busy being badasses. Ultimately it comes down to 1-fall in the square circle. NE-YO goes full Novak BROkovic in the Expendables 2 using a tennis racquet and probably a steal chair to win by DQ. He doesn't care; neither would I, we both buy into the gangsta lifestyle.
Carly Rae obviously walks up to me in slow motion and hocks a major loog in my face, falling victim of some all caps #NEYOMAGIC. Come on, biker over tennis bro #delusional.
Here is the best part, Carly Rae and I really get married in real life and all of a sudden Americans stop making unprovoked jokes about Canada; yeah buddy. And then NE-YO and I co-host the MTV VMA's.
NE-YO, bro, I'll pitch this to your people real soon.
Next time, in the spirit of how much I like to make lists, I'll be counting down the top 10 athletes I would want to go to Happy Hour with.
Follow me on twitter @thetennisbro and use the hashtag #NEYOmagic to spread awareness of what could potentially be a great music video.
If I Were a Country Club Bro
How's it going bros?
This last weekend I officiated a tournament at a very beautiful and well respected country club here in Jackson. The scenery was awesome in a very old south kind of way, the tennis was some of the best you'll see in the nation from juniors, and the people were some of the best I have ever met. When I say the people were some of the best I have ever met, I meant they were mostly all outwardly friendly due to the thin-stretching of my duties as well as my copious amounts of Ole Miss logos on my clothes.
Country clubs create something of a catch 22 in my mind. On the one hand, they are a place where the 1% go to post up at the bar and drink 11 dollar beers while contemplating exercise that day; 40 year old bro move. On the other hand, they are a hangout for the housewives of the rich and the famous. These ladies use such a social standing in order to use 1 word responses to everything and have the door held for them as if the world will end if you don't drop what you're doing to make sure her 300 dollar flip flops aren't scuffed; okay bad example.
Among the ultra kick ass observations I made of the male members of the club, the one head and shoulders rockin' tennis bro maneuver every single one of them shared in common was a tennis shag. The same tennis shag, in fact, that their 9 year old sons playing in the tournament had. This is so kick ass for so many reasons, but first and foremost, it meant they make the kind money to wear that hairdo in a professional setting and not have any sort of consequences for doing so.
If I were a country club bro, my first maneuver would be to grow out the country club ass hole hair. I will grant you 3 distinct and separate examples of the country club ass hole hair.
1. The Patrick Bateman- Simple Wall Street Power Slick
2. The Larry Stefanki- The ultimate tennis bro look
3. The Johnny Mac- Just google him in the 1980 Wimby Final.
After growing out my hair I would do the following things to be the raddest country club bro I could be if I were 23 and living large.
Ready. Set. BRO.
-Make friends with the help; Extra Chicken tenders every meal, BYAH!
-Order the most expensive drink on the menu and put it on a fellow bro's member number; Thanks bro.
-Hit on the girl that works the desk in the clubhouse; they like that right?
-Not play golf ever. EVER.
-Double park on general principle; if you don't like it, move it.
-Ask every lady I meet at the club a thousand questions; law of averages, the more questions you ask the higher probability of getting a friendly, socially acceptable answer
-Schedule my tennis games during ladies league hours; what the hell am I paying dues for if not to play tennis, bro?
-Rent the place out for the biggest party of the year during Wrestlemania. You didn't think I was going to say for the Super Bowl did you?
-Talk about my various investments; fantasy football, basketball and baseball dues.
-Wear white shoes every time; Love a good pair of pale wing tips
-Cannonball in the pool
-Walk around the locker room without a towl; not a locker room guy? Too bad I pay my dues bro.
-Not play golf ever; I think I already mentioned that.
-Offer an arm wrestling match for 1st serve when playing with seniors.
-Call all kids who dress the same as their parents and have matching hairstyles "clones"; Hall pass reference, that film sucked but that was pretty funny.
That's about it. Maybe when I'm 25 I'll have the the type of dollars to do some of those things. But until then, I can only imagine.
Next time I'll tell you about my music video writing debut.
Follow me on twitter @thetennisbro
This last weekend I officiated a tournament at a very beautiful and well respected country club here in Jackson. The scenery was awesome in a very old south kind of way, the tennis was some of the best you'll see in the nation from juniors, and the people were some of the best I have ever met. When I say the people were some of the best I have ever met, I meant they were mostly all outwardly friendly due to the thin-stretching of my duties as well as my copious amounts of Ole Miss logos on my clothes.
Country clubs create something of a catch 22 in my mind. On the one hand, they are a place where the 1% go to post up at the bar and drink 11 dollar beers while contemplating exercise that day; 40 year old bro move. On the other hand, they are a hangout for the housewives of the rich and the famous. These ladies use such a social standing in order to use 1 word responses to everything and have the door held for them as if the world will end if you don't drop what you're doing to make sure her 300 dollar flip flops aren't scuffed; okay bad example.
Among the ultra kick ass observations I made of the male members of the club, the one head and shoulders rockin' tennis bro maneuver every single one of them shared in common was a tennis shag. The same tennis shag, in fact, that their 9 year old sons playing in the tournament had. This is so kick ass for so many reasons, but first and foremost, it meant they make the kind money to wear that hairdo in a professional setting and not have any sort of consequences for doing so.
If I were a country club bro, my first maneuver would be to grow out the country club ass hole hair. I will grant you 3 distinct and separate examples of the country club ass hole hair.
1. The Patrick Bateman- Simple Wall Street Power Slick
2. The Larry Stefanki- The ultimate tennis bro look
3. The Johnny Mac- Just google him in the 1980 Wimby Final.
After growing out my hair I would do the following things to be the raddest country club bro I could be if I were 23 and living large.
Ready. Set. BRO.
-Make friends with the help; Extra Chicken tenders every meal, BYAH!
-Order the most expensive drink on the menu and put it on a fellow bro's member number; Thanks bro.
-Hit on the girl that works the desk in the clubhouse; they like that right?
-Not play golf ever. EVER.
-Double park on general principle; if you don't like it, move it.
-Ask every lady I meet at the club a thousand questions; law of averages, the more questions you ask the higher probability of getting a friendly, socially acceptable answer
-Schedule my tennis games during ladies league hours; what the hell am I paying dues for if not to play tennis, bro?
-Rent the place out for the biggest party of the year during Wrestlemania. You didn't think I was going to say for the Super Bowl did you?
-Talk about my various investments; fantasy football, basketball and baseball dues.
-Wear white shoes every time; Love a good pair of pale wing tips
-Cannonball in the pool
-Walk around the locker room without a towl; not a locker room guy? Too bad I pay my dues bro.
-Not play golf ever; I think I already mentioned that.
-Offer an arm wrestling match for 1st serve when playing with seniors.
-Call all kids who dress the same as their parents and have matching hairstyles "clones"; Hall pass reference, that film sucked but that was pretty funny.
That's about it. Maybe when I'm 25 I'll have the the type of dollars to do some of those things. But until then, I can only imagine.
Next time I'll tell you about my music video writing debut.
Follow me on twitter @thetennisbro
Monday, October 22, 2012
Novak Dojokovic, The Randy Orton of Professional Tennis
How's it going bros?
In my many years a fan of professional wrestling, which has spanned the better part of almost 2 decades and with such great organizations as the late WCW and the WWF, prior to becoming WWE. As a kid, I pulled for the likes of Rey Mysteio Jr, The 'Texas Rattle Snake' Stone Cold Steve Austin, and Brett 'The Hitman' Hart.
I liked all of these bookers for 3 reasons that are distinct and different from one another. Brett Hart's sharpshooter was such a beautifully technical and lethal move, it was such a bridge between Ric Flair's classical Figure 4 leg lock and Sting's Scorpion Death lock; which after watching him descend from the rafters in full black and white face paint reminded me of a... wait for it... KISS concert. Stone Cold was a beer drinking, ass kicking 'neck from the south of Texas; some very familiar turf during my early years of watching WWF while living in Laredo. Rey Mysterio was a high-flying luchador with wrestling pageantry coursing through generations of his blood. The man of mystery was also small , fast and masked up; just like the #blackmamba.
The older I grew, the names began to fade out. Hart and Austin sought limited duty due to health and family complications. Rey Mysterio still fights, and his style is unchanged, but I fear moves stable is far superior to his, as is my speed. The man may be ripe for a venom strike.
Since the retirement of Edge last year, my favorites in the game are Sin Cara (That means without face in spanish) and Randy 'The Viper' Orton. Sin Cara, or Mystico, to my Mexican readers, is still new on the scene and I expect great things when Raw drafts him in the next lottery and gets him on a night that people actually watch tv. Randy Orton however, is one of the biggest bros in the history of the sport. Let me share with you a few of his acBROlades:
-He's from Knoxville, TN (where I spent what I like to call the Peyton Manning Years of Elementary school)
-His dad and Grandpa were pro wrestlers, dad named "Cowboy Bob"
-He was discharged from the marines for being too aggressive; can't be easy
-Nickames include 'The Viper', 'The Legend Killer' and 'WWE's Apex Predator'
-2009 Royal Rumble Champion
-Hit on Holk Hogan's daughter during their reality show
The list goes on.
I like The Viper because he has franchise booker type of size, he is shockingly quick on his feet for being such a size, and he is from Tennessee, which never hurt anyone. His nicknames are also not too bad. I still think I could shrink him to my size and knock him on his back with the spear before going to rope on his ass. #Blackmamba
Novak Djokovic is eerily similar in the tennis world to Randy Orton. He doesn't have 6 WWE Titles to his name, but he does have 5 major championships and won 42 straight matches in 2011. These 2 are both so iconic in their sports and are so consistent. To say Orton isn't going to be one of the last 4 standing at the end of the Royal Rumble every year is like saying Novak Djokovic won't make the final of ANY tournament he plays.
Let's talk for a second about how Djokovic, tennis's Apex predator, stalks his prey over the course of a point. Hits a really good serve, contorts his body in ridiculous shapes to hit a sliding forehand, creates insane angles across the court, then finishes his battle weary opponent with a backhand. His backhand is the greatest of all time in this game. Just like the RKO is the greatest finishing move in the history of wrestling. My blinding speed can probably kill a man when I go shoulder first to hit the spear, but when you watch the RKO, it not only looks awesome, but you can really see faces breaking when they hit the mat.
One of the great story lines in wrestling was Randy Orton at the age of 26 going around beating up the legends of the sport. One of the great laughable moments was Novak Djokovic going 100 percent bro on Johnny Mac and calling him out to hit with him after winning his '09 US Open quarter final match. #Legendkiller.
These 2 hold another special distinction in the sports world. They made my Top 10 people in sports I'd like to go to happy hour with.
I promised I was going to make funny happen, this probably fails at that. I've failed at that before. But I hope you the reader learned something about 2 glorious athletes. They probably both could beat me at tennis, but I'd go 1-fall against either any day #tooinsane.
Next time I'll be discussing what I would do if I were a country club bro.
Follow me on twitter @thetennisbro
In my many years a fan of professional wrestling, which has spanned the better part of almost 2 decades and with such great organizations as the late WCW and the WWF, prior to becoming WWE. As a kid, I pulled for the likes of Rey Mysteio Jr, The 'Texas Rattle Snake' Stone Cold Steve Austin, and Brett 'The Hitman' Hart.
I liked all of these bookers for 3 reasons that are distinct and different from one another. Brett Hart's sharpshooter was such a beautifully technical and lethal move, it was such a bridge between Ric Flair's classical Figure 4 leg lock and Sting's Scorpion Death lock; which after watching him descend from the rafters in full black and white face paint reminded me of a... wait for it... KISS concert. Stone Cold was a beer drinking, ass kicking 'neck from the south of Texas; some very familiar turf during my early years of watching WWF while living in Laredo. Rey Mysterio was a high-flying luchador with wrestling pageantry coursing through generations of his blood. The man of mystery was also small , fast and masked up; just like the #blackmamba.
The older I grew, the names began to fade out. Hart and Austin sought limited duty due to health and family complications. Rey Mysterio still fights, and his style is unchanged, but I fear moves stable is far superior to his, as is my speed. The man may be ripe for a venom strike.
Since the retirement of Edge last year, my favorites in the game are Sin Cara (That means without face in spanish) and Randy 'The Viper' Orton. Sin Cara, or Mystico, to my Mexican readers, is still new on the scene and I expect great things when Raw drafts him in the next lottery and gets him on a night that people actually watch tv. Randy Orton however, is one of the biggest bros in the history of the sport. Let me share with you a few of his acBROlades:
-He's from Knoxville, TN (where I spent what I like to call the Peyton Manning Years of Elementary school)
-His dad and Grandpa were pro wrestlers, dad named "Cowboy Bob"
-He was discharged from the marines for being too aggressive; can't be easy
-Nickames include 'The Viper', 'The Legend Killer' and 'WWE's Apex Predator'
-2009 Royal Rumble Champion
-Hit on Holk Hogan's daughter during their reality show
The list goes on.
I like The Viper because he has franchise booker type of size, he is shockingly quick on his feet for being such a size, and he is from Tennessee, which never hurt anyone. His nicknames are also not too bad. I still think I could shrink him to my size and knock him on his back with the spear before going to rope on his ass. #Blackmamba
Novak Djokovic is eerily similar in the tennis world to Randy Orton. He doesn't have 6 WWE Titles to his name, but he does have 5 major championships and won 42 straight matches in 2011. These 2 are both so iconic in their sports and are so consistent. To say Orton isn't going to be one of the last 4 standing at the end of the Royal Rumble every year is like saying Novak Djokovic won't make the final of ANY tournament he plays.
Let's talk for a second about how Djokovic, tennis's Apex predator, stalks his prey over the course of a point. Hits a really good serve, contorts his body in ridiculous shapes to hit a sliding forehand, creates insane angles across the court, then finishes his battle weary opponent with a backhand. His backhand is the greatest of all time in this game. Just like the RKO is the greatest finishing move in the history of wrestling. My blinding speed can probably kill a man when I go shoulder first to hit the spear, but when you watch the RKO, it not only looks awesome, but you can really see faces breaking when they hit the mat.
One of the great story lines in wrestling was Randy Orton at the age of 26 going around beating up the legends of the sport. One of the great laughable moments was Novak Djokovic going 100 percent bro on Johnny Mac and calling him out to hit with him after winning his '09 US Open quarter final match. #Legendkiller.
These 2 hold another special distinction in the sports world. They made my Top 10 people in sports I'd like to go to happy hour with.
I promised I was going to make funny happen, this probably fails at that. I've failed at that before. But I hope you the reader learned something about 2 glorious athletes. They probably both could beat me at tennis, but I'd go 1-fall against either any day #tooinsane.
Next time I'll be discussing what I would do if I were a country club bro.
Follow me on twitter @thetennisbro
Friday, October 19, 2012
The BROtotype
How's it going bros?
It has come to my attention from a certain member of my inner circle, that shall remain anonymous for the time being, that my knowledge of tennis getting shadowed by overuse of words like bro, rad and rampage. Well too bad for that person, because that is how I talk.
He or she did bring up a good point, however, that I have done a pretty extensive amount of research on the ATP World Tour by being a fan. I have come to respect the things the pros do that I am incapable of doing. I do not believe any of them could deliver death from above, top turnbuckle-style, like I can, but they really can do some pretty athletic stuff on the tennis court.
Growing up I was all about the wrestling, but played some casual traveling baseball on the side. In baseball there are 5 tools by which a player's makeup is judged. The are as follows: can run, can field, can throw, can hit for power and can hit for average. Those of you who don't know seeing-eye-single from duck on the pond have probably seen Brad Pitt go OG in the movie Moneyball and have heard a bit of these tools.
Being that I am something of a fan of making lists, I made my own tools for how I judge a tennis players performance. They are as follows: Can rip a forehand, can rip a backhand, can serve with power, can serve with kick, volley, court coverage, racquet smash and significant other. These 8 tools make up the BROtotype on the ATP World Tour and I'm about to create the ultimate player.
Forehand: You would like me to say Roger Federer on this one, but I won't. Jack Sock is a rising American and my newest man crush on court. He learned how to hit a good forehand by having a double stacked and blacked out net on court when he was 15; trust me I know his old coach. He's big dude who can sit on the baseline and pound it just as well as anyone else out there. He had a great run at US Open that was due in large part to his opponents being too courteous to his forehand. This kid can move it around; when he gets on my level cardiovascularly-speaking, he will be in for super stardom. Cardiovascularly is absolutely a made up word; turns out.
Backhand: Novak Djokovic hits not only the best 2-handed backhand of all-time, but probably the best backhand of any generation ever. The angles this guy can create cross court and up the line could break a protractor. For a player to have a backhand that is 2/3 as strong as their forehand is pretty good. For a player to have a soft forehand and a strong backhand isn't unheard of; baseball players, for example. If a guy has a world-class forehand AND a backhand that he can hit winners all over the court with, that's Hall of Fame, never to be forgotten type stuff.
Power Serve: On the basis of consistency, Milos Raonic from Canada hits harder than anyone. Groth from Australia is a pounder too. However, the land speed record belongs to Ivo Karlovic at 156 MPH. Karlovic and Tommy Haas have rooms next to one another in assisted living, but Ivo is legit as hell for being 237082507374 years old in 2011 when he hit that hard. His motion is very uncomplicated; making things easy is smart. He also isn't afraid to volley; my kind of guy.
Kick Serve: John Isner's kicker bouncing over dudes heads is all that needs to be said. Averages 7 and half feet of kick on a hard court. He is 6 feet and 10 inches of pure American badassness.
Volley: Most probably won't agree with me, but Mardy Fish's net play is a large part of the reason for his turn around. Ok losing 30 pounds and being committed to practice 10 years after becoming a professional probably had a great deal to do with it too. Mardy Fish still frequently serves and volleys and his soft hands teamed with his well-placed serves get him to the turn a lot quicker than a lot of baseline grounders do.
Court Coverage: If you ask me, Roger Federer is the greatest athlete to ever lace 'em up in any sport. Have you ever seen this guy run around the court? He is honestly like watching the Blue Angels fly in perfect formation. People call his movement "Feathery" which, if you're not with it, means he's light on his feet and probably doesn't destroy shoes after a month like some tennis bros typing this, currently. More impressive than how light on his feet he is, Fed can run down anything hit anywhere on court. Folk lore says one time 63 tennis balls were hit across the court at once and he snagged 62 before their second bounce. No one truly knows what happened to the other one. Smell what I'm stepping in?
Racquet Smash: Most people immediately flip to Fernando Gonzalez. Don't get me wrong, it was always a treat and somewhat enlightening on how to make anger look super badass. But if you're a tennis fan and haven't passed the crown to Marcos Baghdatis after his rampage in Australia, you're either the president of the Fernando Fan Club in your hometown or illiterate in the language of awesome. For those of you who aren't familiar, Marcos Baghdatis smashed 4 tennis racquets in a period of 22 seconds at the Aussie Open after being jobbed on a call. 22 seconds! It was like a KISS concert without the music. Such an awesome tirade. He's only 27 too, so more genius may still be to come.
Significant Other: This one is a little tougher. Given how subjective this list has been, I guess this is all in the eye of the beholder. Andy Roddick is ineligible due to retirement and I refuse to list Djokovic twice. Bernard Tomic was dating a full on 10 during the Australian Open, which I believe has since ceased. Rafael Nadal and Andy Murray both date babes from their hometowns; a pretty cool bro thing to do. Case and point with this tool, tennis needs an old school badass that has different girls in his box at every match; maybe even smokes Marlboro reds and drinks tequila. Picture Johnny Mac mixed with Frank the Tank.
There you have it, I hope you've learned something. Next time I will be discussing the Tennis Bro Channel on XM radio.
follow me on twitter @thetennisbro
It has come to my attention from a certain member of my inner circle, that shall remain anonymous for the time being, that my knowledge of tennis getting shadowed by overuse of words like bro, rad and rampage. Well too bad for that person, because that is how I talk.
He or she did bring up a good point, however, that I have done a pretty extensive amount of research on the ATP World Tour by being a fan. I have come to respect the things the pros do that I am incapable of doing. I do not believe any of them could deliver death from above, top turnbuckle-style, like I can, but they really can do some pretty athletic stuff on the tennis court.
Growing up I was all about the wrestling, but played some casual traveling baseball on the side. In baseball there are 5 tools by which a player's makeup is judged. The are as follows: can run, can field, can throw, can hit for power and can hit for average. Those of you who don't know seeing-eye-single from duck on the pond have probably seen Brad Pitt go OG in the movie Moneyball and have heard a bit of these tools.
Being that I am something of a fan of making lists, I made my own tools for how I judge a tennis players performance. They are as follows: Can rip a forehand, can rip a backhand, can serve with power, can serve with kick, volley, court coverage, racquet smash and significant other. These 8 tools make up the BROtotype on the ATP World Tour and I'm about to create the ultimate player.
Forehand: You would like me to say Roger Federer on this one, but I won't. Jack Sock is a rising American and my newest man crush on court. He learned how to hit a good forehand by having a double stacked and blacked out net on court when he was 15; trust me I know his old coach. He's big dude who can sit on the baseline and pound it just as well as anyone else out there. He had a great run at US Open that was due in large part to his opponents being too courteous to his forehand. This kid can move it around; when he gets on my level cardiovascularly-speaking, he will be in for super stardom. Cardiovascularly is absolutely a made up word; turns out.
Backhand: Novak Djokovic hits not only the best 2-handed backhand of all-time, but probably the best backhand of any generation ever. The angles this guy can create cross court and up the line could break a protractor. For a player to have a backhand that is 2/3 as strong as their forehand is pretty good. For a player to have a soft forehand and a strong backhand isn't unheard of; baseball players, for example. If a guy has a world-class forehand AND a backhand that he can hit winners all over the court with, that's Hall of Fame, never to be forgotten type stuff.
Power Serve: On the basis of consistency, Milos Raonic from Canada hits harder than anyone. Groth from Australia is a pounder too. However, the land speed record belongs to Ivo Karlovic at 156 MPH. Karlovic and Tommy Haas have rooms next to one another in assisted living, but Ivo is legit as hell for being 237082507374 years old in 2011 when he hit that hard. His motion is very uncomplicated; making things easy is smart. He also isn't afraid to volley; my kind of guy.
Kick Serve: John Isner's kicker bouncing over dudes heads is all that needs to be said. Averages 7 and half feet of kick on a hard court. He is 6 feet and 10 inches of pure American badassness.
Volley: Most probably won't agree with me, but Mardy Fish's net play is a large part of the reason for his turn around. Ok losing 30 pounds and being committed to practice 10 years after becoming a professional probably had a great deal to do with it too. Mardy Fish still frequently serves and volleys and his soft hands teamed with his well-placed serves get him to the turn a lot quicker than a lot of baseline grounders do.
Court Coverage: If you ask me, Roger Federer is the greatest athlete to ever lace 'em up in any sport. Have you ever seen this guy run around the court? He is honestly like watching the Blue Angels fly in perfect formation. People call his movement "Feathery" which, if you're not with it, means he's light on his feet and probably doesn't destroy shoes after a month like some tennis bros typing this, currently. More impressive than how light on his feet he is, Fed can run down anything hit anywhere on court. Folk lore says one time 63 tennis balls were hit across the court at once and he snagged 62 before their second bounce. No one truly knows what happened to the other one. Smell what I'm stepping in?
Racquet Smash: Most people immediately flip to Fernando Gonzalez. Don't get me wrong, it was always a treat and somewhat enlightening on how to make anger look super badass. But if you're a tennis fan and haven't passed the crown to Marcos Baghdatis after his rampage in Australia, you're either the president of the Fernando Fan Club in your hometown or illiterate in the language of awesome. For those of you who aren't familiar, Marcos Baghdatis smashed 4 tennis racquets in a period of 22 seconds at the Aussie Open after being jobbed on a call. 22 seconds! It was like a KISS concert without the music. Such an awesome tirade. He's only 27 too, so more genius may still be to come.
Significant Other: This one is a little tougher. Given how subjective this list has been, I guess this is all in the eye of the beholder. Andy Roddick is ineligible due to retirement and I refuse to list Djokovic twice. Bernard Tomic was dating a full on 10 during the Australian Open, which I believe has since ceased. Rafael Nadal and Andy Murray both date babes from their hometowns; a pretty cool bro thing to do. Case and point with this tool, tennis needs an old school badass that has different girls in his box at every match; maybe even smokes Marlboro reds and drinks tequila. Picture Johnny Mac mixed with Frank the Tank.
There you have it, I hope you've learned something. Next time I will be discussing the Tennis Bro Channel on XM radio.
follow me on twitter @thetennisbro
Thursday, October 18, 2012
The Almost Famous Litmus Test
How's it going bros?
If there is one thing about living in Jackson, MS that really chaps my behind, it is the distinct lack of people to play doubles with. I mean it, I can not ever find a steady partner. This should be hard to believe given the vast number of tennis bros in the city, but I can not seem to find them.
Doubles is really hit or miss. One must have the right partner. My buddy Dee and I have played several matches with one another and done pretty well. Dee is solid player with a big first serve and power forehand he can control down the lines about on command. For all intents and purposes, we out-talent most everyone we beat; he out talents them, I just fly around the court and try to hit the ball in. That is all good and grand, but, he and I really are not compatible partners. I am high octane, I tell jokes, and I am all about us taking our opponents ground strokes away by building an in-penetrable wall around the net with quick hands and short volleys. Dee will play standard one up, one back and is, at times, a space cadet. He's going to hit me when he reads this so I'm throwing this out there, he's like the little leaguer that picks flowers in the outfield.
I am all about playing with Dee because he's a pretty rad bro. He is also my go-to guy to pound brews with and is single, ladies. His schedule is also crazy while completing his course load for a Masters in Biology; nerd. Besides the fact that I need someone to play more tennis with, this person has to accommodate the tennis bro's keys to success in doubles for a lacking stroker. They are the following:
1. Laughs at every one of my jokes; and they're all hilarious
2. high fives after every point; I also accept chest bumps
3. can create a 135 degree angle to the allies on an inside out forehand and a 45 degree ball flight on a hook stroke.
4. Believes in playing at the net
5. Brings the beer
That would be nirvana for me. It isn't fair that the Bryan Bros are the same person born twice, righty and lefty and possess a lot of skill. Doubles glory, and great hair, was granted to them by the deities on the sports Mount Olympus.
For the rest of us, there needs to be an easier way to sift through the dozens of failed doubles partnerships and find the perfect fit. I have something similar to it in my dating scheme, I call it the Almost Famous Litmus Test.
My dating strategy, or at least my first few dates, is pretty on point at this stage in the game. Like any great tennis bro, I have had to evolve with the age in order to succeed. It isn't wise for a dude to show his hand, but I figure some of you that are reading this have probably gone through the routine anyways.
First you meet the girl; usually in college it was in class or through a friend. Now a days I aim for pumpkin patches and the public library to meet respectable ladies. Next step you take them out for a few drinks to get to know them better; this elicits looser conversation and takes the pressure of having a timed situation like a sit-down dinner off. Then you hang out with them socially. The 4th installment is what I like to call the Almost Famous Litmus Test, this is the crucial piece of the puzzle, and I will explain it here.
Ready. Set. BRO.
Those that know me well, know that Almost Famous is my favorite Almost Love Story of all time. The film depicts a 15 year old journalist following around a rising band called Stillwater. This sheltered 15 year old is exposed to the rock star lifestyle for the first time in his life, and handles himself pretty well I think. This is probably the most quotable movie of all time, if not American Psycho. I fancy myself as Russell Hammond, the guitar player with flare; though some I know would try to pin me as Lester Bangs or the silent drummer in the band. trust me, I'm Russell Hammond.
This movie is a masterpiece and it is important any girl I am going to date be a fan of this movie. Liking this movie demonstrates an appreciation for American Music History, ability to decipher fine work and enjoyment of a smart comedy. I rate compatibility with how many times random and unwarranted conversation surfaces during the film, how often texting happens and if questions are asked; thats a perk actually. I try not to be the dude that speaks loudly and negatively during chick flicks, I like the same courtesy being extended during Almost Famous. I do not have a Miami Vice scale for this, though I should.
If there was such an easy and available system for weeding out bad doubles partners, I would be all about it. But I don't have one in place, its more of a desperation card I play. If you personally have a good scale of determinants please email it to me at realtennisbro@gmail.com.
Follow me on twitter @thetennisbro
Next time I will be talking about Brozilla the man child composed of all the best traits of the bros on the ATP World Tour.
If there is one thing about living in Jackson, MS that really chaps my behind, it is the distinct lack of people to play doubles with. I mean it, I can not ever find a steady partner. This should be hard to believe given the vast number of tennis bros in the city, but I can not seem to find them.
Doubles is really hit or miss. One must have the right partner. My buddy Dee and I have played several matches with one another and done pretty well. Dee is solid player with a big first serve and power forehand he can control down the lines about on command. For all intents and purposes, we out-talent most everyone we beat; he out talents them, I just fly around the court and try to hit the ball in. That is all good and grand, but, he and I really are not compatible partners. I am high octane, I tell jokes, and I am all about us taking our opponents ground strokes away by building an in-penetrable wall around the net with quick hands and short volleys. Dee will play standard one up, one back and is, at times, a space cadet. He's going to hit me when he reads this so I'm throwing this out there, he's like the little leaguer that picks flowers in the outfield.
I am all about playing with Dee because he's a pretty rad bro. He is also my go-to guy to pound brews with and is single, ladies. His schedule is also crazy while completing his course load for a Masters in Biology; nerd. Besides the fact that I need someone to play more tennis with, this person has to accommodate the tennis bro's keys to success in doubles for a lacking stroker. They are the following:
1. Laughs at every one of my jokes; and they're all hilarious
2. high fives after every point; I also accept chest bumps
3. can create a 135 degree angle to the allies on an inside out forehand and a 45 degree ball flight on a hook stroke.
4. Believes in playing at the net
5. Brings the beer
That would be nirvana for me. It isn't fair that the Bryan Bros are the same person born twice, righty and lefty and possess a lot of skill. Doubles glory, and great hair, was granted to them by the deities on the sports Mount Olympus.
For the rest of us, there needs to be an easier way to sift through the dozens of failed doubles partnerships and find the perfect fit. I have something similar to it in my dating scheme, I call it the Almost Famous Litmus Test.
My dating strategy, or at least my first few dates, is pretty on point at this stage in the game. Like any great tennis bro, I have had to evolve with the age in order to succeed. It isn't wise for a dude to show his hand, but I figure some of you that are reading this have probably gone through the routine anyways.
First you meet the girl; usually in college it was in class or through a friend. Now a days I aim for pumpkin patches and the public library to meet respectable ladies. Next step you take them out for a few drinks to get to know them better; this elicits looser conversation and takes the pressure of having a timed situation like a sit-down dinner off. Then you hang out with them socially. The 4th installment is what I like to call the Almost Famous Litmus Test, this is the crucial piece of the puzzle, and I will explain it here.
Ready. Set. BRO.
Those that know me well, know that Almost Famous is my favorite Almost Love Story of all time. The film depicts a 15 year old journalist following around a rising band called Stillwater. This sheltered 15 year old is exposed to the rock star lifestyle for the first time in his life, and handles himself pretty well I think. This is probably the most quotable movie of all time, if not American Psycho. I fancy myself as Russell Hammond, the guitar player with flare; though some I know would try to pin me as Lester Bangs or the silent drummer in the band. trust me, I'm Russell Hammond.
This movie is a masterpiece and it is important any girl I am going to date be a fan of this movie. Liking this movie demonstrates an appreciation for American Music History, ability to decipher fine work and enjoyment of a smart comedy. I rate compatibility with how many times random and unwarranted conversation surfaces during the film, how often texting happens and if questions are asked; thats a perk actually. I try not to be the dude that speaks loudly and negatively during chick flicks, I like the same courtesy being extended during Almost Famous. I do not have a Miami Vice scale for this, though I should.
If there was such an easy and available system for weeding out bad doubles partners, I would be all about it. But I don't have one in place, its more of a desperation card I play. If you personally have a good scale of determinants please email it to me at realtennisbro@gmail.com.
Follow me on twitter @thetennisbro
Next time I will be talking about Brozilla the man child composed of all the best traits of the bros on the ATP World Tour.
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
Year-To-Date Rad Rankings
Hows it going bros?
Over 100 views in my 1st 2 hours, anyone see super stardom in my future? Me either.
When I was giving a glance into the on-broings inside my head, I withheld a very important character trait. I rampage a lot of television. Hell, my older brother even works in television and his stock is on the rise major in ole Hollywood. Not because of his work, but because he and I announced our plan to make a late push for the presidency, despite being more than 10 years too young, on average, for such a position. You can follow him on twitter @2finestein to see our platform.
My favorite television show of all time is Miami Vice. Don't think for 1 second my tortoise skin wayfarers are unintentional, they are a full-on Sonny Crockett rip off. Miami Vice was a show about the Vice Unit of Dade County Police. They were outrageously chillin' in expensive get up, pushing Ferraris and busting up drug dealers. Crockett and Tubbs were so money and they definitely had an idea of it; Swingers reference. The show colors were even a neon 80's version of Wimby colors. Seems like there should be a reason I add this right? Well there is. Whenever I judge a tennis player's radness, I always compare him or her to Miami Vice, and whether watch the player would be more fun or less fun to watch play then a standard episode of Miami Vice; like Smuggler's Blues. The Rad Rankings are Born. A player's ranking is somewhere between 1 and Miami Vice. 1 being worthless, and Miami Vice being the raddest dude on court.
One particular player on the list, Roger Federer, did 2 particularly rad things recently. He won Wimbledon for the 7th time in July against a surging hometown player, Andy Murray, and a hostile crowd. He also put the shirt he wore in the match up for auction yesterday for a charity other than his already fat wallet; being rich is super rad, giving to those less fortunate, Rico Tubbs rad.
Inspired, I decided to do the same. I wanted to put my socks I wore yesterday while coaching tennis up for auction, too. One man's sweaty socks are another man's treasure, that he pays top dollar for in order to support charity right? Wrong! No one placed a bid; I started at 500 euros, cheap busters. You can still do so, bidding will commence at 900,000 Monopoly Dollars or $17.00 American. The charity I started for it is the Billy Stein ~ Tennis Bro Foundation for Normal Sized Folks who Will Shrink to Jawa From Star Wars Size by 40. You can start your bidding now on Twitter @thetennisbro.
My hat is off to Fed for being such a bro of the 1st degree in giving sweaty shirts to the less fortunate. In the spirit of giving, I will now give you the list of the 10 raddest players on the ATP World Tour.
Ready. Set. BRO.
10. Roger Federer- Yeah yeah, Fed outdoes me in philanthropy and has won 17 Majors and almost 80 titles and is the biggest icon this sport has ever seen. We get it. He's a little more domesticated then I see myself at 30, personally. I mean the wife and twins daughters that are girls thing; better you than me bro. Your accomplishments are so rad though and I would choose you over about every episode of Vice apart from 'Glades'; greatest hour of television of all time. Keep broing, bro.
9. Juan Martin Del BROtro- This bro almost reminds me of Duke basketball. By that I mean his last title was my junior year of college and I always pick him to make a run and get disappointed. Too much. It is so rad that his 1 major was the US Open in 2009 over Mr. Federer. DelBRO is my age but looks like he's about 45; that isn't meant to be a stab, I hate getting carded, which always happens. Given his youth, he is still poised to be a contender for the time being. His nickname, the Tower of Tandil, so rad. His rating, a 7; always depends on his opponent before I plug up the Vice Deevs.
8. Devin Britton- Part of me wanted to put Rafa Nadal on this list, but I feel like he will be perfectly content with chillin' with his boys; by that I mean trophies and he has 11 of them from Majors. You may not have heard of this guy yet unless you're from Mississippi; don't worry, you will. He has won 10 doubles titles this year on the Futures circuit, most of which with the same partner; Tennis bro maneuver, big time. He was a year younger than me at Ole Miss where he won the national championship as a freshman and was up a break over Fed the same year at the US Open. He is also from Jackson, where I currently live, and rages burritos on the reg. I can't think of a radder dude without serious hardware yet. He definitely scores a perfect Miami Vice ranking.
7. Lukas Rosol- I literally don't know anything about this guy; and it would be very uncharacteristic of me to do research, so I won't. I know Rafa was hurt when Rosol won that 2nd round match at Wimbledon, but still such a rage thing to do. He won that match by hitting every ball as hard as he possibly could. He was like that little leaguer that swings as hard as he can every at bat and strikes out until that one bottom of the 9th (or 6th because its little league) at bat where he hits the game winning homework. Take a bow bro.
6. Andy Murray- Andy Murray doesn't really need 1 more person saluting his epic summer, which is why he fell to 6. He has really upped his level of play since adding the Terminator as his coach; by terminator, I mean Ivan Lendl never smiles. He made crying look like the coolest thing a guy could do when he lost the wimbledon final. He followed it up by taking gold at the Olympics and winning the US Open is epic fashion. He also has a super hot girlfriend and is a UFC fan. This guy is so rad.
5. Tommy Haas- Didn't he retire like 8 years ago? No, bro. At age 286 he's re-established himself a sub-top 20 player. Such a killer tennis bro maneuver.
4. Jack Sock. My new favorite player on tour. Big physical style of play. He rages Chipotle every day, and I mean every day. He also gets easily distracted during interviews, demonstrating how unimportant the press is to him. He and his older brother, Eric, also dress like they own a yacht club. Jack Sock at the very least is on the level of Ricky 'Wild Thang' Vaughn right now. He may be the heir to Sonny Crockett status some day.
3. Alexandr BROgopolov- His style of play is a deliberate middle finger the conventional tennis establishment; power move. He doesn't even spell Alexander correctly; power move(s). There are videos on youtube of him getting rampaged drunk while acting as the red carpet reporter and asking stupid questions. Stupid, but smart. His coach, Jack Reader, even has the same flowing locks he does. These 2 are Crockett and Tubbs big time, only I feel like their definitions of busting doobies are very different.
2. Novak BROkovic- The Tennis equivalent of Randy 'the Viper' Orton. The modern personification of consistency in the game. His backhand is as damaging on court as the RKO is in the squared circle. After you google what the RKO is because you don't watch wrestling, amateurs, google Jelena Ristic. His girlfriend, in my opinion, is the 2012 Helen of Troy. The Djoker is super rad and only 25, should have lots more left in the tank.
1. John Isner- Ok, this guy is a WWE fan, and SEC bro amd won the longest match of all time proving not all Americans are lazy, Snooki-idolizing fat kids. He's a Shawn Michaels fan; I'm down with DX but I'm far more of a proponent to Triple H's pedigree, its more to the point than sweet chin music was. He's so rad he's even from North Carolina, my birth state. I will raise a strip of bacon to this bro, he is the raddest Sonny Crockett-type on the ATP World Tour. I will raise a strip of bacon to that.
More on the charitable socks for my foundation next time, as well as the tennis bro dating litmus test.
Send ideas to
realtennisbro@gmail.com
follow me on twitter @thetennisbro
Over 100 views in my 1st 2 hours, anyone see super stardom in my future? Me either.
When I was giving a glance into the on-broings inside my head, I withheld a very important character trait. I rampage a lot of television. Hell, my older brother even works in television and his stock is on the rise major in ole Hollywood. Not because of his work, but because he and I announced our plan to make a late push for the presidency, despite being more than 10 years too young, on average, for such a position. You can follow him on twitter @2finestein to see our platform.
My favorite television show of all time is Miami Vice. Don't think for 1 second my tortoise skin wayfarers are unintentional, they are a full-on Sonny Crockett rip off. Miami Vice was a show about the Vice Unit of Dade County Police. They were outrageously chillin' in expensive get up, pushing Ferraris and busting up drug dealers. Crockett and Tubbs were so money and they definitely had an idea of it; Swingers reference. The show colors were even a neon 80's version of Wimby colors. Seems like there should be a reason I add this right? Well there is. Whenever I judge a tennis player's radness, I always compare him or her to Miami Vice, and whether watch the player would be more fun or less fun to watch play then a standard episode of Miami Vice; like Smuggler's Blues. The Rad Rankings are Born. A player's ranking is somewhere between 1 and Miami Vice. 1 being worthless, and Miami Vice being the raddest dude on court.
One particular player on the list, Roger Federer, did 2 particularly rad things recently. He won Wimbledon for the 7th time in July against a surging hometown player, Andy Murray, and a hostile crowd. He also put the shirt he wore in the match up for auction yesterday for a charity other than his already fat wallet; being rich is super rad, giving to those less fortunate, Rico Tubbs rad.
Inspired, I decided to do the same. I wanted to put my socks I wore yesterday while coaching tennis up for auction, too. One man's sweaty socks are another man's treasure, that he pays top dollar for in order to support charity right? Wrong! No one placed a bid; I started at 500 euros, cheap busters. You can still do so, bidding will commence at 900,000 Monopoly Dollars or $17.00 American. The charity I started for it is the Billy Stein ~ Tennis Bro Foundation for Normal Sized Folks who Will Shrink to Jawa From Star Wars Size by 40. You can start your bidding now on Twitter @thetennisbro.
My hat is off to Fed for being such a bro of the 1st degree in giving sweaty shirts to the less fortunate. In the spirit of giving, I will now give you the list of the 10 raddest players on the ATP World Tour.
Ready. Set. BRO.
10. Roger Federer- Yeah yeah, Fed outdoes me in philanthropy and has won 17 Majors and almost 80 titles and is the biggest icon this sport has ever seen. We get it. He's a little more domesticated then I see myself at 30, personally. I mean the wife and twins daughters that are girls thing; better you than me bro. Your accomplishments are so rad though and I would choose you over about every episode of Vice apart from 'Glades'; greatest hour of television of all time. Keep broing, bro.
9. Juan Martin Del BROtro- This bro almost reminds me of Duke basketball. By that I mean his last title was my junior year of college and I always pick him to make a run and get disappointed. Too much. It is so rad that his 1 major was the US Open in 2009 over Mr. Federer. DelBRO is my age but looks like he's about 45; that isn't meant to be a stab, I hate getting carded, which always happens. Given his youth, he is still poised to be a contender for the time being. His nickname, the Tower of Tandil, so rad. His rating, a 7; always depends on his opponent before I plug up the Vice Deevs.
8. Devin Britton- Part of me wanted to put Rafa Nadal on this list, but I feel like he will be perfectly content with chillin' with his boys; by that I mean trophies and he has 11 of them from Majors. You may not have heard of this guy yet unless you're from Mississippi; don't worry, you will. He has won 10 doubles titles this year on the Futures circuit, most of which with the same partner; Tennis bro maneuver, big time. He was a year younger than me at Ole Miss where he won the national championship as a freshman and was up a break over Fed the same year at the US Open. He is also from Jackson, where I currently live, and rages burritos on the reg. I can't think of a radder dude without serious hardware yet. He definitely scores a perfect Miami Vice ranking.
7. Lukas Rosol- I literally don't know anything about this guy; and it would be very uncharacteristic of me to do research, so I won't. I know Rafa was hurt when Rosol won that 2nd round match at Wimbledon, but still such a rage thing to do. He won that match by hitting every ball as hard as he possibly could. He was like that little leaguer that swings as hard as he can every at bat and strikes out until that one bottom of the 9th (or 6th because its little league) at bat where he hits the game winning homework. Take a bow bro.
6. Andy Murray- Andy Murray doesn't really need 1 more person saluting his epic summer, which is why he fell to 6. He has really upped his level of play since adding the Terminator as his coach; by terminator, I mean Ivan Lendl never smiles. He made crying look like the coolest thing a guy could do when he lost the wimbledon final. He followed it up by taking gold at the Olympics and winning the US Open is epic fashion. He also has a super hot girlfriend and is a UFC fan. This guy is so rad.
5. Tommy Haas- Didn't he retire like 8 years ago? No, bro. At age 286 he's re-established himself a sub-top 20 player. Such a killer tennis bro maneuver.
4. Jack Sock. My new favorite player on tour. Big physical style of play. He rages Chipotle every day, and I mean every day. He also gets easily distracted during interviews, demonstrating how unimportant the press is to him. He and his older brother, Eric, also dress like they own a yacht club. Jack Sock at the very least is on the level of Ricky 'Wild Thang' Vaughn right now. He may be the heir to Sonny Crockett status some day.
3. Alexandr BROgopolov- His style of play is a deliberate middle finger the conventional tennis establishment; power move. He doesn't even spell Alexander correctly; power move(s). There are videos on youtube of him getting rampaged drunk while acting as the red carpet reporter and asking stupid questions. Stupid, but smart. His coach, Jack Reader, even has the same flowing locks he does. These 2 are Crockett and Tubbs big time, only I feel like their definitions of busting doobies are very different.
2. Novak BROkovic- The Tennis equivalent of Randy 'the Viper' Orton. The modern personification of consistency in the game. His backhand is as damaging on court as the RKO is in the squared circle. After you google what the RKO is because you don't watch wrestling, amateurs, google Jelena Ristic. His girlfriend, in my opinion, is the 2012 Helen of Troy. The Djoker is super rad and only 25, should have lots more left in the tank.
1. John Isner- Ok, this guy is a WWE fan, and SEC bro amd won the longest match of all time proving not all Americans are lazy, Snooki-idolizing fat kids. He's a Shawn Michaels fan; I'm down with DX but I'm far more of a proponent to Triple H's pedigree, its more to the point than sweet chin music was. He's so rad he's even from North Carolina, my birth state. I will raise a strip of bacon to this bro, he is the raddest Sonny Crockett-type on the ATP World Tour. I will raise a strip of bacon to that.
More on the charitable socks for my foundation next time, as well as the tennis bro dating litmus test.
Send ideas to
realtennisbro@gmail.com
follow me on twitter @thetennisbro
Things Bros do at State Championships
How's it going bros?
I have been live and running for almost an hour and the internet hasn't booted me. Tennis Bro 1 Internet 0.
Now would be a good time to open up to you the reader about where I stand on things; you know, philosophically. Firstly I believe KISS is the uncontested greatest band of all time; Love Gun is something like the story of my life up to this point. I am a fan of ALL sports though I believe the designated hitter, domed stadiums and the new NFL special teams rules are bastardizing sports as we know it. My 3 favorite non-James Bond movies are American Psycho, Pulp Fiction and Almost Famous; a film you will learn more about in a later post. I believe in the genius of the 3 stooges and in a good sweater's powerful effects on the ladies; tennis bro maneuver.
I work a job in the tennis industry, but tennis is not my favorite sport. I LOVE professional wrestling more then anything else. At one time I was on the right path to glory in the WWE; a legend in the making. My small size, lightning quickness and obvious charisma was going to be the perfect storm that vaulted me to cruiser weight glory. This was a time when cruiser weights were at a premium. My identity was the Black Mamba. After wearing out my opponents, my finisher was venom strike: a forward-facing backwards vault press off the top rope. I set every clown up for it using the spear. Goldberg made the spear intimidating, Edge made it pretty, Black Mamba made it so fast you had to slow it down to see the light leave my opponent's eyes. I was going to restore order among the cruiser weights, now they don't exist. I hear some are bagging groceries and others roam the streets looking for crack rocks.
So now that my past as a vigilante high-flying luchador are over, I stick to being a below average tennis player. Though, not to toot my own horn, still way faster then most I play, and unpredictable when considering an off-the-net ambush. Just a bro with a waffle racquet.
Bros with waffle racquets are far different then our finer halves when it comes to state championships. There are closer to zero guys isolating themselves 500 yards from everyone else while listening to 'Welcome to the Jungle'. I personally listen to the song 'Your body' by Pretty Ricky; such a rad band, on repeat before all of my tennis matches. It is because of this song that I do 2 things that keep me from panic during a match, number 1. I laugh constantly at the offensive lyrics and number 2. I wonder what the members of the band are up to these days.
This is about guys good enough to play in all of these tournaments, so unfortunately the awesomeness of my routine is almost a moot point. Here are, however, a few things guys do during state tennis championships. You all know these people, and you've probably all had a drink paid for by these people at some point.
Ready. Set. BRO.
1. These guys put it down at the player party. That 55 year old dude is definitely doing the cupid shuffle step per step.
2. Bros NEVER get a good night of sleep before a match. This is something like a vacation. And vacations involve lots of beer drinking, business chatting and occasionally playing one of those tennis matches.
3. Someone at EVERY championship rolls in in a Winnebago. Make friends with this guy he has beers, satellite tv and microwave pigs in a blanket; baddest bro in the whole state tennis community this particular weekend, and probably most others.
4. Keeps talking about the kids to a minimum if they are over the age of 14. Or so I have noticed. That must be the age the 'honeymoon' stage ends at.
5. Tell everyone how much weight they gained. But I know, you were as skinny as me, stronger than me and better with girls than me when you were my age huh?
6. Forget the score when they report it to the official table. It's cool bro, I'm sure the other team remembers.
7. Beer before, beer during and beer after every match. Can't rampage as hard drinking bottled water, and the ice was free.
8. Break out the good luck wrist bands that haven't been washed ever. I totally get that, I wear good luck underwear. I wear them for all big occasions; haven't been washed since the first time I ever took a girl out to dinner.
9. Discuss the evening's plans before lunch time: Something like a vacation.
10. Low 5 one another every time an attractive lady walks by. I'll low 5 y'all on that all day, bros.
These opinions are mine alone and not those of my employer or the tennis community at large; at least not vocally, thus I can not confirm if they do or do not agree with what I saying.
Check out my next entry as I release the ATP world tour's first ever Rad Rankings top 10. Also to learn of first feeble attempt at philanthropy.
Follow me on twitter @thetennisbro
I have been live and running for almost an hour and the internet hasn't booted me. Tennis Bro 1 Internet 0.
Now would be a good time to open up to you the reader about where I stand on things; you know, philosophically. Firstly I believe KISS is the uncontested greatest band of all time; Love Gun is something like the story of my life up to this point. I am a fan of ALL sports though I believe the designated hitter, domed stadiums and the new NFL special teams rules are bastardizing sports as we know it. My 3 favorite non-James Bond movies are American Psycho, Pulp Fiction and Almost Famous; a film you will learn more about in a later post. I believe in the genius of the 3 stooges and in a good sweater's powerful effects on the ladies; tennis bro maneuver.
I work a job in the tennis industry, but tennis is not my favorite sport. I LOVE professional wrestling more then anything else. At one time I was on the right path to glory in the WWE; a legend in the making. My small size, lightning quickness and obvious charisma was going to be the perfect storm that vaulted me to cruiser weight glory. This was a time when cruiser weights were at a premium. My identity was the Black Mamba. After wearing out my opponents, my finisher was venom strike: a forward-facing backwards vault press off the top rope. I set every clown up for it using the spear. Goldberg made the spear intimidating, Edge made it pretty, Black Mamba made it so fast you had to slow it down to see the light leave my opponent's eyes. I was going to restore order among the cruiser weights, now they don't exist. I hear some are bagging groceries and others roam the streets looking for crack rocks.
So now that my past as a vigilante high-flying luchador are over, I stick to being a below average tennis player. Though, not to toot my own horn, still way faster then most I play, and unpredictable when considering an off-the-net ambush. Just a bro with a waffle racquet.
Bros with waffle racquets are far different then our finer halves when it comes to state championships. There are closer to zero guys isolating themselves 500 yards from everyone else while listening to 'Welcome to the Jungle'. I personally listen to the song 'Your body' by Pretty Ricky; such a rad band, on repeat before all of my tennis matches. It is because of this song that I do 2 things that keep me from panic during a match, number 1. I laugh constantly at the offensive lyrics and number 2. I wonder what the members of the band are up to these days.
This is about guys good enough to play in all of these tournaments, so unfortunately the awesomeness of my routine is almost a moot point. Here are, however, a few things guys do during state tennis championships. You all know these people, and you've probably all had a drink paid for by these people at some point.
Ready. Set. BRO.
1. These guys put it down at the player party. That 55 year old dude is definitely doing the cupid shuffle step per step.
2. Bros NEVER get a good night of sleep before a match. This is something like a vacation. And vacations involve lots of beer drinking, business chatting and occasionally playing one of those tennis matches.
3. Someone at EVERY championship rolls in in a Winnebago. Make friends with this guy he has beers, satellite tv and microwave pigs in a blanket; baddest bro in the whole state tennis community this particular weekend, and probably most others.
4. Keeps talking about the kids to a minimum if they are over the age of 14. Or so I have noticed. That must be the age the 'honeymoon' stage ends at.
5. Tell everyone how much weight they gained. But I know, you were as skinny as me, stronger than me and better with girls than me when you were my age huh?
6. Forget the score when they report it to the official table. It's cool bro, I'm sure the other team remembers.
7. Beer before, beer during and beer after every match. Can't rampage as hard drinking bottled water, and the ice was free.
8. Break out the good luck wrist bands that haven't been washed ever. I totally get that, I wear good luck underwear. I wear them for all big occasions; haven't been washed since the first time I ever took a girl out to dinner.
9. Discuss the evening's plans before lunch time: Something like a vacation.
10. Low 5 one another every time an attractive lady walks by. I'll low 5 y'all on that all day, bros.
These opinions are mine alone and not those of my employer or the tennis community at large; at least not vocally, thus I can not confirm if they do or do not agree with what I saying.
Check out my next entry as I release the ATP world tour's first ever Rad Rankings top 10. Also to learn of first feeble attempt at philanthropy.
Follow me on twitter @thetennisbro
Things a Lady Would Do at State Championships
How's it going bros?
I have had so many firsts recently including a guest blog entry on the tennis blog for the Clarion Ledger, RAGING Izzo's Illegal Burritos and listening to the Scorpions Blackout album all the way through; which I highly recommend for the sake of living room air guitar. Felix Baumgartner free-fell from space; such an epic bro thing.
None of these things quite compare to a mid summer's weekend working my first State Tennis Championship. I have been to 1 championship; and my team won the whole biznatch. However, I have never worked one of these before. I could tell y'all all about how wild it was and how I met some of the best people I've ever met, but in doing so, I would bore myself to sleep. Instead, I am going to enlighten the public on the other side of these things.
Now bros, There is a very distinct difference in the vehicles in which men and women compete for State Championships. Men do their own thing in the coolest and most bro way ever, and women are... well... women. The following are a few of the things women do during state championships. You all know the one's who are guilty if this, and if you don't, you just became aware of a few of the things you do under your cloud of delusion.
Ready. Set. BRO.
1. Treat the weekend as if they are the whole rest of the field fixing to run a sprint relay against Usain Bolt; why so serious, ladies?
2. Not go to the player party in favor of getting 15 hours of sleep the night before your match. That's not meant to be aimed at you in a negative way, senior and super senior players, digestion of your early bird dinners takes a toll on you at 7 o'clock, I get it.
3. Talk in great detail about your kids then tell everyone you need to prepare for your match as soon as we ask a question about them. Well back to thinking about Adele's new song again, or whatever else people my age actually think about.
SIDENOTE: Adele's new song 'Skyfall' totally has me fired up about the new Bond Film.
4. Tell everyone about how much weight you lost. Yeah the 2 hours you spend a day with a personal trainer have brought you down a dress size. Super bro move on your husband's part; a very well spent penny, sir.
5. Give the score table a detailed play by play of her thrilling comeback. What was the score? 3-6, 7-5, 10-6 in a breaker. OMG I was down 4-1 in the second set and we turned it around. Kind of thrilling isn't it, were you watching?
7. Bring a Louis Vuitton purse to a tennis match. You didn't really expect me to put all my belongings in a draw string bag, did you?
8. Make everyone aware of how sweaty she is after her match. Who, you? No!!!! wasn't there a sprinkler on your court?
9. Wear a matching outfit with her doubles partner. Something I'm completely on board with. Keep up the good work, ladies.
10. Cite traveling for the tournament as a prime excuse to go shopping. I agree, you do need new shoes, and the prices here are so much better.
11. Happily tell the story of having both of your knees replaced and a hip. This really needs no explanation.
12. Send her husband as an errand gopher if it is not mixed doubles. Doesn't matter that he is playing and 12 beers deep, he better be quick about that power bar. I can't go out in public all sweaty.
These observations are all mine and not necessarily the opinion of my employer; at least not vocally and thereby I am unaware of it their true opinion.
Tune in next time for all the things guys do at state tournaments.
Follow me on twitter @thetennisbro
I have had so many firsts recently including a guest blog entry on the tennis blog for the Clarion Ledger, RAGING Izzo's Illegal Burritos and listening to the Scorpions Blackout album all the way through; which I highly recommend for the sake of living room air guitar. Felix Baumgartner free-fell from space; such an epic bro thing.
None of these things quite compare to a mid summer's weekend working my first State Tennis Championship. I have been to 1 championship; and my team won the whole biznatch. However, I have never worked one of these before. I could tell y'all all about how wild it was and how I met some of the best people I've ever met, but in doing so, I would bore myself to sleep. Instead, I am going to enlighten the public on the other side of these things.
Now bros, There is a very distinct difference in the vehicles in which men and women compete for State Championships. Men do their own thing in the coolest and most bro way ever, and women are... well... women. The following are a few of the things women do during state championships. You all know the one's who are guilty if this, and if you don't, you just became aware of a few of the things you do under your cloud of delusion.
Ready. Set. BRO.
1. Treat the weekend as if they are the whole rest of the field fixing to run a sprint relay against Usain Bolt; why so serious, ladies?
2. Not go to the player party in favor of getting 15 hours of sleep the night before your match. That's not meant to be aimed at you in a negative way, senior and super senior players, digestion of your early bird dinners takes a toll on you at 7 o'clock, I get it.
3. Talk in great detail about your kids then tell everyone you need to prepare for your match as soon as we ask a question about them. Well back to thinking about Adele's new song again, or whatever else people my age actually think about.
SIDENOTE: Adele's new song 'Skyfall' totally has me fired up about the new Bond Film.
4. Tell everyone about how much weight you lost. Yeah the 2 hours you spend a day with a personal trainer have brought you down a dress size. Super bro move on your husband's part; a very well spent penny, sir.
5. Give the score table a detailed play by play of her thrilling comeback. What was the score? 3-6, 7-5, 10-6 in a breaker. OMG I was down 4-1 in the second set and we turned it around. Kind of thrilling isn't it, were you watching?
7. Bring a Louis Vuitton purse to a tennis match. You didn't really expect me to put all my belongings in a draw string bag, did you?
8. Make everyone aware of how sweaty she is after her match. Who, you? No!!!! wasn't there a sprinkler on your court?
9. Wear a matching outfit with her doubles partner. Something I'm completely on board with. Keep up the good work, ladies.
10. Cite traveling for the tournament as a prime excuse to go shopping. I agree, you do need new shoes, and the prices here are so much better.
11. Happily tell the story of having both of your knees replaced and a hip. This really needs no explanation.
12. Send her husband as an errand gopher if it is not mixed doubles. Doesn't matter that he is playing and 12 beers deep, he better be quick about that power bar. I can't go out in public all sweaty.
These observations are all mine and not necessarily the opinion of my employer; at least not vocally and thereby I am unaware of it their true opinion.
Tune in next time for all the things guys do at state tournaments.
Follow me on twitter @thetennisbro
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)