How's it going bros?
Andy Murray lost in an exhibition yesterday, in other news, the world is not over. I find it hard to believe that people on social media are concerned with Andy Murray's performance in a match that didn't matter against a Top 10 player. The only relevance it posed is that the #AndyFaceofSheerDiscomfort still exists; this took me 6 pages of google image searching to find.
To all the critics and concerned Brits who are ready to call him a Scot again, know that Andy Murray is not going anywhere for a while. His AcBROlades:
-He's young as hell
-His deuce court on-the-run forehand is the best shot in the sport right now; minus, maybe, the Djoker down-the-line backhand RKO
-He is the game's sweetheart; until Nadal wins the French Open
-Kim Sears is hot
-The Speech
-And lastly, the #AndyFaceofSheerDiscomfort which is #awesomehashtag
But some folks are going to fall off the pedestal. Combination of being old, being due to fall back down to earth, and some who may just fall. Including his opponent yesterday, but I'll get into that.
10 Bros who will be ranked lower at this time next year then they are now:
Ready. Set. BRO.
1. Janko Tipsarevic- The first time I had ever seen Tipsy play was in the 2010 US Open against my post-adolescent man crush Andy Roddick. He was unseeded and took out the local legend in the 2nd round. I then saw him again in Memphis at what used to be called the Regions Morgan Keegan classic; who knows what they call it now, or cares?
I like his style of play, Tipsy has a live arm on his serve and forehand, and mostly plays little man tennis #tennisbro. He won 57 matches last year including a QF run at the open. He's best friends with Novak BROkovic, has a super hot wife and does his own mashes of house music. Tipsy also stirred up quite s&%* storm on twitter regarding the equal compensation of both tours; last time I checked, this is America.
From a performance standpoint, Tipsy is not on the same level as the 8 guys ranked ahead of him right now. Meaning he can't advance; roughly 500 points below number 8. Tsonga. I'll certainly pull for him, but I see him going to Verdasco route and falling out of the top 10 and maybe out of the top 15 with all the talent that is on the cusp behind him. However, no one would be happier then me to have the tennis version of the Braves' Dan Uggla #musclehampster jump Tsonga and make a move to the top. Idemo!
2. Pico Monaco- Pico is one of the most popular players on the tour. He's another bro from Tandil who won 4 of his 7 career titles in 2012. He got hot at the Sony Ericsson in Miami and stayed hot through the summer. Studly clay court player, but there are some big time guys ranked between the 13 and 20 spot who could just as easily make a run and place higher then he. My guess, is his season will manifest itself in a drop to the mid 20's. If he tanks hard he could fall down to around 40.
3. Stanislas Wawrinka- Solid name, great 1-handed backhand and has deceptive power. 4 years ago he ascended as high as number 9 in the world. He stays perpetually between the number 15 and 21 rankings now a days. Yesterday I declared at least 3 guys close to him in ranking will rise this year (Dolgopolov, Janowicz, Chardy). This may be a year Wawrinka finishes are number 25. It helps him that Nadal will not be playing the Aussie, a tournament he has had success at. He needs to rack up the points while he can. Not sure that will be enough for him this year.
4. Tommy Haas- He was ranked number 2 in the world... When I was 13 years old. I listed him as a top 5 player on my Rad Rankings list, and I still hold true to it. But at 854720863576753075398 years old, you can still be a total badass and hover around a triple digit ranking; cough, cough, Ivo Karlovic.
5. Mardy Fish- He inspired us all in 2010 by losing a ton of weight, keeping a proper diet, and beating the ever loving crap out of the competition. He remained consistent as the top-ranked American in 2011. But a heart condition knocked the cowboy off his horse last year, forcing him to retire his 4th round match to Mr. Federer in the US Open. He will sit out the Aussie and his ranking will fall out of the top 30. Playing only 32 matches last year and what I am sure will be a reduced tournament schedule this year, he will not gain as many points. This starts the downfall for Mardy. He is the last of a dying breed as a serve and volley player, he is getting a rotten deal out of the whole thing. May end the year ranked around number 50.
6. Marcos Baghdatis- It is very very very insane to believe that the guy who cursed during an interview after playing Andre Agassi is only 27? This guy is sneakily the most entertaining player on tour. The only reason I would ever want his ranking to fall is for a repeat of this. The best part of him going agro on his racquets is Stan Wawrinka's reaction, I for one, would be dying laughing if I watched that. Well played, Stan, well played.
7. Nikolay Davydenko- I'm ignoring the fact that there are like 14 player's on tour who share the first name Nikolay. I will not ignore the inability of Mr. Davydenko to separate business and pleasure. His wife is his coach. He constantly is changing racquet sponsors, and he complains to a degree that would make a french dude on tour proud to call him his own. But I do respect the former world number 3. So much so that I will can anything that could be construed as insulting and just say he will finish outside the top 50 this year, mmkay?
8. Brian Baker- This one hurts. This is like being hit in the sack by a tank shell. Brian Baker was the comeback player of the year in 2012. He was the sports Rudy. Surgery after surgery to repair injury after injury. He made the Cinderella run into the round of 16 at Wimby. He and I even share the the privilege to call Tennessee home; I lived there for some of the most splendid years of my life. My employer, the USTA Southern LOOOOOVVVVEEEESSSS this guy.
As painful as it is to say the under dog will go back in kennel, all signs are pointing to it. It isn't easy to win on this level, but it is easier to gain confidence when the whole sport is cheering for you to succeed. Finally at 28 Brian Baker will get a chance to battle the existence of a sophomore slump. Rather then a 5 month season, he will try to compete for 10. Will his hips, shoulders and legs make it all the way through? Can he move up into the top 50? His game is certainly good enough, but now his war-torn body has to survive.
I try to be as optimistic as I can being an American tennis fan, but history has not been my buddy on this one. Remember this list is not about drastic downturns, but negative movement, I am worried Baker may fall to around 70 and that Ryan Harrison and Jack Sock will be the promising American sons this year.
9. David Nalbandian- That Mullet, #LULZ. He can still provide excitement. He really isn't the guy you want to mess with though if you're a chair umpire; god this guy scares me. He definitely gets the award for biggest mullet-having serial killer look alike on tour. Don't f%$^ with the bull, or you get the man horns. That shouldn't have been a default, but a praise for the return of the bad boy movement in tennis. Though he'll probably be knocking on 100's door this season.
10. Rafael Nadal- Monte Carlo and French Open Championships, then falling in the 2nd round at Wimbledon, then the knee surgeries came. 2012 was a roller coaster for Rafa. The news got worse today. He pulled out of the Aussie Open setting his return date for Acapulco.
Now we all know at this point Rafa could only play clay tournaments for the rest of his career and still have 15 major titles before he hangs it up. We all also know that that will never happen given his competitive nature. He is a fighter and that is what makes this even worse.
With no points gained in Melbourne, and his body beginning to regress; something we all knew was going to happen sooner rather then later given his style of play, Rafa could potentially find himself out of the top 10 this year. The field is getting too competitive and there aren't enough points to be gained on clay courts to carry a top 5 ranking when struggling. I don't know for sure if it is a really bad stomach virus, or his knees. But this is the first time in a long time the tennis establishment may look at the potential of a top 4 that lacks the name, Nadal.
That's it for the journalistic stuff for a while, bros.
follow me on twitter @thetennisbro.
Gin Gin
Billy Stein ~ The Tennis Bro
Friday, December 28, 2012
Thursday, December 27, 2012
10 Rising Bros on Tour
Internet,
For all of my close friends who are wanting some sort of elaborate laugh riot of an account of my trip to Las Vegas, let's use our phones instead.
EARTH LAW: What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas; says every person ever when you tell them you are going to or went to Las Vegas.
Las Vegas did, however, enlighten me to the fact that there are NO good places to grab a slice of Pizza in Jackson; sorry Sbarros.
I am shifting my attention towards the coming ATP World Tour season. Just like the respawn of any sport, it offers promise. The Djoker hasn't yet won the Aussie, Rafa hasn't yet won the French, the baselines haven't been rubbed raw at Wimby and the Americans haven't all been eliminated in the first week of the US Open. Just kidding we always make the quarters before getting our gizzards ripped out by the rest of the world.
I declared last season the Year of the Dolg expecting Novak BROkovic to fall off the top of the pedestal and Alexandr BROgopolov to make his entry into the sport's top 10. This did not happen. Dolgo peaked at 13 and Nole never fell below number 2. This bold prediction of mine was wrong for the following:
-Dolgo started the year by losing to the eventual Cinderella man of the sport, Andy Murray in the Brisbane final. He then lost to the hometown blue blood Bernard Tomic in the 3rd round of the Aussie Open. The 3rd Round would be his best finish at a major in 2012. Nowhere to go but up from here.
-Novak Djokovic is really the Apex Predator of the ATP World Tour right now. I say this about once every 3 posts on here, but the dude really is the Randy Orton of Professional Tennis. When you think about Novak Djokovic, you have to consider the cover-all court movement, the flexibility of a gymnast, the ability to hit a winner with all shots from anywhere in the court, the best backhand of all time (like Randy's RKO being the best finisher of all time) and Jelena Ristic. I wouldn't mind having her cheer for all of my Rec League matches right?
Moving forward with the new season, I have a list of 10 bros who I think will be ranked higher at the end of 2013 then they were at the end of 2012.
Ready. Set. BRO.
1. Bernard Tomic- Ok let's just get this one out of the way. Yes he has run into some trouble with the law, and he also probably threw the match against Roddick in the Open last year; we all wanted him to win but a little effort would not have killed you, bro beans. Bernie, right now, is the badass the tennis community deserves and the one it desperately needs right now. A sport full of nice rich boys is boring to folks that don't respect the game. Tennis needs a McEnroe figure back in the fold to stir stuff up. Once he drops the parental supervision on the practice court, his inner Bon Jovi can fly.
Tomic is still a budding super star. He stands 6'5", he is 200 pounds, his strokes are real clean and he has a ton of swagger on court; when he's mentally in it. I still find it hard to believe a 20 year old from a country as rooted in tennis success as Australia would have a seamless rise to the top when he can't even drink legally in the nation that boasts the most tournaments of his best playing surface.
Bernie is the kind of up and comer that would make Billy Beane's scouting table go gaga over. He is a face guy, he possesses a strong back court game, and his serve is mighty. People have not forgotten that at 19 years old he made the Wimbledon quarterfinals as an unseeded competitor. He has all the tools to be a hard court and grass force, but he has to get over the hump. A strong showing in Brisbane will prove that his shortcomings with the law don't bother him. If he makes a run in Melbourne, he can take some serious mo' with him to Indian Wells and Miami.
Best of luck bro. See you back in the top 30 at year's end.
2. Juan Martin Del Potro- Del BROtro, the Tower of Tandil, Mr. Nice Guy, Champ; all great nicknames, all apply to the current Number 7 ranked player on tour.
Del Bro was sidelined for most of 2010 having had wrist surgery. It took most of 2011 for him to return to form and he really came back into his own during the late summer months in 2012. His most notable match, unfortunately, was retiring American Legend Andy Roddick in the round of 16 at the US Open. A great match, well played on a very windy day and the spotlight was on the man opposite the net; though totally deserved for an incredible career and total bro lifestyle.
Given his size and quick hands, I fully expect Del BROtro to stay put in the top 10. He is perpetually one of the most dangerous men on a hard court when in shape. He has made it to the semis at the French before and won the US Open in '09.
I'm a sucker for the 24 going on 45 look, so I'm pulling for this dude to get into the top 5 and stay put by Year's end.
3. Alexandr Dolgopolov- As you already know, I declared 2012 the Year of the Dolg. That didn't necessarily come true as I was hoping. I was under the impression a top 10 finish seemed within reach. A top 20 finish is still something of merit for a 24 year old with many years left in his career.
We are now in Australia for the next month of the season, this is BROgopolov's time. He always brings his best to the hard courts down under. He has ultra fast hands, he covers the court like 8/10 of a Roger Federer; that's a compliment, and looks eerily similar to his coach Jack Reader; its like they planned it.
Besides having the best backhanded slice ever of all time; you read that right, look for more forehand winners from the Dolg. He gets his opponents out of sort and pounces like a chess player setting the king up for slaughter. I expect quarter final runs in Melbourne and at the Open this year and with at least a handful of guys ahead of him probably tumbling in the rankings, he could be close to an elusive top 10 finish in 2013.
4. Milos Raonic- I don't know if I like Raonic because he's Canadian and doesn't play hockey; a rarity up nort' donchaknow? It may actually be that he's Montenegrin-born and I have seen Casino Royale enough times to have it memorized. Its actually probably him constantly making his coach, Galo Blanco, do push ups during practice and then taking pictures of it and posting them on his twitter. Whatever the case, I am a fan of this guy.
Raonic is probably the proverbial prom queen on this list. Of all players on the outside of the top 10 looking in, I would say he stands the best chance of making an upward move as soon as January.
I've seen him top 150 with a serve before, all braun, all bro. His forehand leaves plenty for a tennis bro to be impressed with. Raonic also has the love of a massive country. The only love because no matter what his accomplishments may be, people don't know who Daniel Nestor is. He does have the Biebs to compete with for total super stardom in Canada, but I foresee a future Wimbledon Champion. It would do the sport a lot of good for him and Bernard Tomic to become a mainstay rivalry. Like a classic good cop/bad cop kind of thing.
My only advice to you bro, cut your hair, the NHL ain't happenin' and we don't need any hockey mullets serving as a constant reminder that a 2nd rate sport is on strike.
5. Jerzy Janowicz- Let's talk about being to BROtal Package for a minute. Jerzy Janowicz strolls into a bar, all 6'8" of him, he starts talking broken english with his polish accent, orders up some sausage and sour kraut, tells us all the story about how he beat Andy Murray in a match; the ladies go CRAZY.
Janowicz, to me, where body types are concerned, is like a right-handed Goran Ivanisevic. I don't think he actually serve and volleys; a lost art form, but he does have the frame that makes me believe he could have some serious results if his confidence and strokes continue to improve each week. He beat Murray in France using a LOT of backhanded slice drop shots to the deuce court; classic Tennis Bro Maneuver.
This guy, to me, has the look of a future Wimbledon Champion in the coming years. He's 22, moves the court well, and hits screamers. A top 15 finish seems legit to me for the ol' Jerzy.
6. Martin Klizan- You probably only know this guy as the no-namer who made a run into the round of 16 at the US Open. And that's ok because that's about all I know him for too. Martin Klizan, for everyone's information, is from Bratislava and according to his ATP World Tour page, fluent in like 45604654307650 different languages which a seriously rad tennis bro thing to do. He won 4 titles last year and considers himself a clay courter. Meaning lots and lots of success is imminent since no one does that anymore. He's ranked number 30 right now, but he could sneak into the top 20 if he plays loosely.
7. Jack Sock- This burrito stuffing, forehand smashing, reporter ignoring, lady slaying super star in the making is going to be the toast of the United States by year's end. He is still a ways off from hoisting a US Open Trophy, but I am inclined to believe that he'll beat Ryan Harrison to the punch of making a run at a major. And he'll do it the good old fashion American way, eating fried chicken and playing electric guitar solos from the song Kashmir by led zep'. That's a joke, but Mr. Sock is becoming an increasing threat to the rest of the tour the longer he stays healthy. He could break into the top 50 if he stays healthy and plays 25 tournaments or so this year.
8. Fabio Fognini- just kidding, this is him. Looky here bros, I don't know if this guy is actually going to rise up or not, I just know he's a pretty rad individual. I watched him serve out a match with cramps or something so bad he couldn't jump into his serve and he still finished. He has the Italian Warrior spirit; that's a joke, but it really happened. He also was joking around being really kick ass when he played Roddick in the 3rd round of the US Open. He's on my radar of dudes I want to see succeed. Hoping for a top 30 finish for him, and to mess around in Rome if I ever get a transatlantic phone call to do so, bro.
9. Benoit Paire/Jeremy Chardy- Not even trying to do any research on 2 faceless French guys. These 2 both had huge rises in 2012 and are able bodied and capable of continuing upward in 2013. Mainly Chardy. Frog legs and tennis, thats what France does.
10. Donald Young- Categorically speaking, when your season record is 5-24 and you lose 17 matches in a row, you can't go anywhere but up. D. Young did drop 151 places in the rankings since March, he does still play under the toxic influence of his mom and dad. He does have confidence issues. He did prove to regress in his physical conditioning in 2012.
Those are the negatives, on the positive, D. Young has a very good looping forehand that he has the ability to spray the court with. His serve and backhand are good enough to set up his forehand when he is confident enough to play those shots. In 2011 he made a run into the round of 16 at the US Open. He did it by methodically setting up points like a boxer, he counter punched but never went full defensive, he took his time and set up winners. He can hit around you, over you, or through you.
He needs a change of regime. When he gets it, he is a top 40 type of player capable of making runs deep into tournaments.
That's all I got. Though I am not a journalist, I sometimes indulge in some journalistic tendencies. Tune in tomorrow for 10 bros on tour I do NOT expect to be ranked as high in 2013 as they were in 2012.
Follow me on twitter @thetennisbro
Laying 50 on red is a mistake, bros, just low ball your bets on the roulette table.
Gin Gin
Billy Stein ~ The Tennis Bro
For all of my close friends who are wanting some sort of elaborate laugh riot of an account of my trip to Las Vegas, let's use our phones instead.
EARTH LAW: What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas; says every person ever when you tell them you are going to or went to Las Vegas.
Las Vegas did, however, enlighten me to the fact that there are NO good places to grab a slice of Pizza in Jackson; sorry Sbarros.
I am shifting my attention towards the coming ATP World Tour season. Just like the respawn of any sport, it offers promise. The Djoker hasn't yet won the Aussie, Rafa hasn't yet won the French, the baselines haven't been rubbed raw at Wimby and the Americans haven't all been eliminated in the first week of the US Open. Just kidding we always make the quarters before getting our gizzards ripped out by the rest of the world.
I declared last season the Year of the Dolg expecting Novak BROkovic to fall off the top of the pedestal and Alexandr BROgopolov to make his entry into the sport's top 10. This did not happen. Dolgo peaked at 13 and Nole never fell below number 2. This bold prediction of mine was wrong for the following:
-Dolgo started the year by losing to the eventual Cinderella man of the sport, Andy Murray in the Brisbane final. He then lost to the hometown blue blood Bernard Tomic in the 3rd round of the Aussie Open. The 3rd Round would be his best finish at a major in 2012. Nowhere to go but up from here.
-Novak Djokovic is really the Apex Predator of the ATP World Tour right now. I say this about once every 3 posts on here, but the dude really is the Randy Orton of Professional Tennis. When you think about Novak Djokovic, you have to consider the cover-all court movement, the flexibility of a gymnast, the ability to hit a winner with all shots from anywhere in the court, the best backhand of all time (like Randy's RKO being the best finisher of all time) and Jelena Ristic. I wouldn't mind having her cheer for all of my Rec League matches right?
Moving forward with the new season, I have a list of 10 bros who I think will be ranked higher at the end of 2013 then they were at the end of 2012.
Ready. Set. BRO.
1. Bernard Tomic- Ok let's just get this one out of the way. Yes he has run into some trouble with the law, and he also probably threw the match against Roddick in the Open last year; we all wanted him to win but a little effort would not have killed you, bro beans. Bernie, right now, is the badass the tennis community deserves and the one it desperately needs right now. A sport full of nice rich boys is boring to folks that don't respect the game. Tennis needs a McEnroe figure back in the fold to stir stuff up. Once he drops the parental supervision on the practice court, his inner Bon Jovi can fly.
Tomic is still a budding super star. He stands 6'5", he is 200 pounds, his strokes are real clean and he has a ton of swagger on court; when he's mentally in it. I still find it hard to believe a 20 year old from a country as rooted in tennis success as Australia would have a seamless rise to the top when he can't even drink legally in the nation that boasts the most tournaments of his best playing surface.
Bernie is the kind of up and comer that would make Billy Beane's scouting table go gaga over. He is a face guy, he possesses a strong back court game, and his serve is mighty. People have not forgotten that at 19 years old he made the Wimbledon quarterfinals as an unseeded competitor. He has all the tools to be a hard court and grass force, but he has to get over the hump. A strong showing in Brisbane will prove that his shortcomings with the law don't bother him. If he makes a run in Melbourne, he can take some serious mo' with him to Indian Wells and Miami.
Best of luck bro. See you back in the top 30 at year's end.
2. Juan Martin Del Potro- Del BROtro, the Tower of Tandil, Mr. Nice Guy, Champ; all great nicknames, all apply to the current Number 7 ranked player on tour.
Del Bro was sidelined for most of 2010 having had wrist surgery. It took most of 2011 for him to return to form and he really came back into his own during the late summer months in 2012. His most notable match, unfortunately, was retiring American Legend Andy Roddick in the round of 16 at the US Open. A great match, well played on a very windy day and the spotlight was on the man opposite the net; though totally deserved for an incredible career and total bro lifestyle.
Given his size and quick hands, I fully expect Del BROtro to stay put in the top 10. He is perpetually one of the most dangerous men on a hard court when in shape. He has made it to the semis at the French before and won the US Open in '09.
I'm a sucker for the 24 going on 45 look, so I'm pulling for this dude to get into the top 5 and stay put by Year's end.
3. Alexandr Dolgopolov- As you already know, I declared 2012 the Year of the Dolg. That didn't necessarily come true as I was hoping. I was under the impression a top 10 finish seemed within reach. A top 20 finish is still something of merit for a 24 year old with many years left in his career.
We are now in Australia for the next month of the season, this is BROgopolov's time. He always brings his best to the hard courts down under. He has ultra fast hands, he covers the court like 8/10 of a Roger Federer; that's a compliment, and looks eerily similar to his coach Jack Reader; its like they planned it.
Besides having the best backhanded slice ever of all time; you read that right, look for more forehand winners from the Dolg. He gets his opponents out of sort and pounces like a chess player setting the king up for slaughter. I expect quarter final runs in Melbourne and at the Open this year and with at least a handful of guys ahead of him probably tumbling in the rankings, he could be close to an elusive top 10 finish in 2013.
4. Milos Raonic- I don't know if I like Raonic because he's Canadian and doesn't play hockey; a rarity up nort' donchaknow? It may actually be that he's Montenegrin-born and I have seen Casino Royale enough times to have it memorized. Its actually probably him constantly making his coach, Galo Blanco, do push ups during practice and then taking pictures of it and posting them on his twitter. Whatever the case, I am a fan of this guy.
Raonic is probably the proverbial prom queen on this list. Of all players on the outside of the top 10 looking in, I would say he stands the best chance of making an upward move as soon as January.
I've seen him top 150 with a serve before, all braun, all bro. His forehand leaves plenty for a tennis bro to be impressed with. Raonic also has the love of a massive country. The only love because no matter what his accomplishments may be, people don't know who Daniel Nestor is. He does have the Biebs to compete with for total super stardom in Canada, but I foresee a future Wimbledon Champion. It would do the sport a lot of good for him and Bernard Tomic to become a mainstay rivalry. Like a classic good cop/bad cop kind of thing.
My only advice to you bro, cut your hair, the NHL ain't happenin' and we don't need any hockey mullets serving as a constant reminder that a 2nd rate sport is on strike.
5. Jerzy Janowicz- Let's talk about being to BROtal Package for a minute. Jerzy Janowicz strolls into a bar, all 6'8" of him, he starts talking broken english with his polish accent, orders up some sausage and sour kraut, tells us all the story about how he beat Andy Murray in a match; the ladies go CRAZY.
Janowicz, to me, where body types are concerned, is like a right-handed Goran Ivanisevic. I don't think he actually serve and volleys; a lost art form, but he does have the frame that makes me believe he could have some serious results if his confidence and strokes continue to improve each week. He beat Murray in France using a LOT of backhanded slice drop shots to the deuce court; classic Tennis Bro Maneuver.
This guy, to me, has the look of a future Wimbledon Champion in the coming years. He's 22, moves the court well, and hits screamers. A top 15 finish seems legit to me for the ol' Jerzy.
6. Martin Klizan- You probably only know this guy as the no-namer who made a run into the round of 16 at the US Open. And that's ok because that's about all I know him for too. Martin Klizan, for everyone's information, is from Bratislava and according to his ATP World Tour page, fluent in like 45604654307650 different languages which a seriously rad tennis bro thing to do. He won 4 titles last year and considers himself a clay courter. Meaning lots and lots of success is imminent since no one does that anymore. He's ranked number 30 right now, but he could sneak into the top 20 if he plays loosely.
7. Jack Sock- This burrito stuffing, forehand smashing, reporter ignoring, lady slaying super star in the making is going to be the toast of the United States by year's end. He is still a ways off from hoisting a US Open Trophy, but I am inclined to believe that he'll beat Ryan Harrison to the punch of making a run at a major. And he'll do it the good old fashion American way, eating fried chicken and playing electric guitar solos from the song Kashmir by led zep'. That's a joke, but Mr. Sock is becoming an increasing threat to the rest of the tour the longer he stays healthy. He could break into the top 50 if he stays healthy and plays 25 tournaments or so this year.
8. Fabio Fognini- just kidding, this is him. Looky here bros, I don't know if this guy is actually going to rise up or not, I just know he's a pretty rad individual. I watched him serve out a match with cramps or something so bad he couldn't jump into his serve and he still finished. He has the Italian Warrior spirit; that's a joke, but it really happened. He also was joking around being really kick ass when he played Roddick in the 3rd round of the US Open. He's on my radar of dudes I want to see succeed. Hoping for a top 30 finish for him, and to mess around in Rome if I ever get a transatlantic phone call to do so, bro.
9. Benoit Paire/Jeremy Chardy- Not even trying to do any research on 2 faceless French guys. These 2 both had huge rises in 2012 and are able bodied and capable of continuing upward in 2013. Mainly Chardy. Frog legs and tennis, thats what France does.
10. Donald Young- Categorically speaking, when your season record is 5-24 and you lose 17 matches in a row, you can't go anywhere but up. D. Young did drop 151 places in the rankings since March, he does still play under the toxic influence of his mom and dad. He does have confidence issues. He did prove to regress in his physical conditioning in 2012.
Those are the negatives, on the positive, D. Young has a very good looping forehand that he has the ability to spray the court with. His serve and backhand are good enough to set up his forehand when he is confident enough to play those shots. In 2011 he made a run into the round of 16 at the US Open. He did it by methodically setting up points like a boxer, he counter punched but never went full defensive, he took his time and set up winners. He can hit around you, over you, or through you.
He needs a change of regime. When he gets it, he is a top 40 type of player capable of making runs deep into tournaments.
That's all I got. Though I am not a journalist, I sometimes indulge in some journalistic tendencies. Tune in tomorrow for 10 bros on tour I do NOT expect to be ranked as high in 2013 as they were in 2012.
Follow me on twitter @thetennisbro
Laying 50 on red is a mistake, bros, just low ball your bets on the roulette table.
Gin Gin
Billy Stein ~ The Tennis Bro
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
The Streak
Flags at half mass bros,
On December 8th, 2012 I suffered a loss. A crippling defeat from which it will take several years and lots of money to reprise. That faithful morning last Saturday, a sequence longer than DiMaggio's hit streak, but shorter than Fed's US Open run, came to a screeching demise.
After 3 years and 7 months, my streak, coined "The Streak" by me, came to an end. I had my first hangover since the night before my older brother Dan (@2finestein) graduated from college. May 16, 2009.
The streak carried with it, a special power, an aura, which cast mystical awesomeness around myself, and everyone who surrounded me. There were times during this speech, when I wanted to run through banners that paid homage to my awesomeness. I actually have used this as motivational speeches before; some times at parties, some times not. There were times I thought it was divine intervention, a certain assertion from above. This was a means to atone for not being very tall, handsome, or smooth with the ladies. I even once though America was going to win a gold medal in Hockey (2010 Vancouver Games) to which I still say f%*& you Sindey Crosby. My streak was like the ring in the lord of the ring films; that probably isn't a fair comparison being that I've never seen any of those movies.
To put this in terms our tennis playing fans can understand. My abusive binge drinking habits I engaged in most, if not all, weekend nights during the run I was on, was kind of like hitting a terrible a drop shot a bunch of times in a match against a weak opponent. This opponent appears weak on the surface, beats you common baseline pounder, probably isn't as charismatic as you, definitely brings a full on cooler to every match. This is poison to your average player. But when playing against your short-court game, the opponent is crippled. He/she doesn't hit passing shots when you follow your awful forehand slice in. This bro is feeding the beast, and the beast is s*&%ing volleys and smashes away constantly to the tune of a 1000 day + kind of 6-0, 6-1 winning streak.
Here's how it went down. Friday night was a combination of the following: Tacky Christmas party slash end of my friends finals slash night before a wedding kind of reunion. The triple threat.
Now Billy boy engaged himself in having a few to drink. If I remember correctly, more butter scotch shots than any man should ever want to drink ever, prior to playing 3 to 5 games of beer pong.
SIDE NOTE: Beer pong is kind of like the tennis bro/basketball bro/golf bro Mt. Olympus of abusive drinking games.
I also lost several games of flip cup, one of which a bro with elf ears on handed me some mystery punch one can only assumed was laced with the date rape drug.
Once at the bar the memory bank went completely blank.
That's how you make a long story you don't remember not very long.
Now to the painful part
So I wake up Saturday morning with the intention of fighting the noble battle of next day victory I've won every day for the last 43 months. This is an unfamiliar feeling; how badass is it that his varsity jacket is an M for Michael?
My head felt like Nick Cannon's snare during the BET Big Southern Classic #Drumline. My stomach was feeling every bit like the IMDB Rating for Major League 3. Worst part about it was that no advil was available my general area, that sh&^ ain't right. I had to cope with my foul bodily reaction to too much alcohol and 4 McDonalds Double Cheeseburgers that I consumed some time after bar hour #tennisbro.
It was around 10 am while watching an episode of Tom and Jerry that it all came full circle. I was hungover and past the stage of denial. A few times during the streak I woke up with a small headache or felt like I had something that made my stomach tickle. But they always went away by having an advil or eating something unhealthy; a dietary staple of mine.
This time, it was real. I couldn't even enjoy watching Tom and Jerry; before Rocket Power but after Rugrats on my all time list of 'toons. Through all losses come moral victories, this time it gave me a chance to kill boredom at work by looking back at how the world was the morning of my last hangover, before my 43 month streak. So here you go.
Ready. Set. BRO.
-MineThatBird won the Kentucky Derby as a 50-1 long shot.
-Jersey Shore and Teen Mom didn't exist yet; I weep.
-Top Song on the Charts was Waking Up in Vegas by Katie Perry; which is still a badass jam.
-Swine Flu was gaining mo' as an epidemic.
-Star Trek came out that night and topped the box office.
-Bieber Fever wasn't a thing yet
-memes and gifs were not the ONLY thing people posted on facebook newsfeeds when not gloating about their significant others or upset at the world.
-Rafael Nadal had NEVER lost a match at the French Open before that point. 28 straight wins, 4 titles in a row, lost in that '09 installment. He hasn't dropped one since.
-Lindsay Lohan had really only f'd up her face with cosmetic surgery at that point. She also heisted Diamonds from a photo shoot.
-The average gallon of gas was $2.25.
-No one knew who Cam Newton was.
-The dubstep revolution hadn't taken off yet.
-My mom's favorite show Glee wasn't around yet.
Then the epic heater went down and the tennis boy of the days of old become the tennis bro of today. New streak count: 4 days.
Gin Gin
Billy Stein~ The Tennis Bro
Jackson, Mississippi's Most Eligible Sexiest Man Alive
On December 8th, 2012 I suffered a loss. A crippling defeat from which it will take several years and lots of money to reprise. That faithful morning last Saturday, a sequence longer than DiMaggio's hit streak, but shorter than Fed's US Open run, came to a screeching demise.
After 3 years and 7 months, my streak, coined "The Streak" by me, came to an end. I had my first hangover since the night before my older brother Dan (@2finestein) graduated from college. May 16, 2009.
The streak carried with it, a special power, an aura, which cast mystical awesomeness around myself, and everyone who surrounded me. There were times during this speech, when I wanted to run through banners that paid homage to my awesomeness. I actually have used this as motivational speeches before; some times at parties, some times not. There were times I thought it was divine intervention, a certain assertion from above. This was a means to atone for not being very tall, handsome, or smooth with the ladies. I even once though America was going to win a gold medal in Hockey (2010 Vancouver Games) to which I still say f%*& you Sindey Crosby. My streak was like the ring in the lord of the ring films; that probably isn't a fair comparison being that I've never seen any of those movies.
To put this in terms our tennis playing fans can understand. My abusive binge drinking habits I engaged in most, if not all, weekend nights during the run I was on, was kind of like hitting a terrible a drop shot a bunch of times in a match against a weak opponent. This opponent appears weak on the surface, beats you common baseline pounder, probably isn't as charismatic as you, definitely brings a full on cooler to every match. This is poison to your average player. But when playing against your short-court game, the opponent is crippled. He/she doesn't hit passing shots when you follow your awful forehand slice in. This bro is feeding the beast, and the beast is s*&%ing volleys and smashes away constantly to the tune of a 1000 day + kind of 6-0, 6-1 winning streak.
Here's how it went down. Friday night was a combination of the following: Tacky Christmas party slash end of my friends finals slash night before a wedding kind of reunion. The triple threat.
Now Billy boy engaged himself in having a few to drink. If I remember correctly, more butter scotch shots than any man should ever want to drink ever, prior to playing 3 to 5 games of beer pong.
SIDE NOTE: Beer pong is kind of like the tennis bro/basketball bro/golf bro Mt. Olympus of abusive drinking games.
I also lost several games of flip cup, one of which a bro with elf ears on handed me some mystery punch one can only assumed was laced with the date rape drug.
Once at the bar the memory bank went completely blank.
That's how you make a long story you don't remember not very long.
Now to the painful part
So I wake up Saturday morning with the intention of fighting the noble battle of next day victory I've won every day for the last 43 months. This is an unfamiliar feeling; how badass is it that his varsity jacket is an M for Michael?
My head felt like Nick Cannon's snare during the BET Big Southern Classic #Drumline. My stomach was feeling every bit like the IMDB Rating for Major League 3. Worst part about it was that no advil was available my general area, that sh&^ ain't right. I had to cope with my foul bodily reaction to too much alcohol and 4 McDonalds Double Cheeseburgers that I consumed some time after bar hour #tennisbro.
It was around 10 am while watching an episode of Tom and Jerry that it all came full circle. I was hungover and past the stage of denial. A few times during the streak I woke up with a small headache or felt like I had something that made my stomach tickle. But they always went away by having an advil or eating something unhealthy; a dietary staple of mine.
This time, it was real. I couldn't even enjoy watching Tom and Jerry; before Rocket Power but after Rugrats on my all time list of 'toons. Through all losses come moral victories, this time it gave me a chance to kill boredom at work by looking back at how the world was the morning of my last hangover, before my 43 month streak. So here you go.
Ready. Set. BRO.
-MineThatBird won the Kentucky Derby as a 50-1 long shot.
-Jersey Shore and Teen Mom didn't exist yet; I weep.
-Top Song on the Charts was Waking Up in Vegas by Katie Perry; which is still a badass jam.
-Swine Flu was gaining mo' as an epidemic.
-Star Trek came out that night and topped the box office.
-Bieber Fever wasn't a thing yet
-memes and gifs were not the ONLY thing people posted on facebook newsfeeds when not gloating about their significant others or upset at the world.
-Rafael Nadal had NEVER lost a match at the French Open before that point. 28 straight wins, 4 titles in a row, lost in that '09 installment. He hasn't dropped one since.
-Lindsay Lohan had really only f'd up her face with cosmetic surgery at that point. She also heisted Diamonds from a photo shoot.
-The average gallon of gas was $2.25.
-No one knew who Cam Newton was.
-The dubstep revolution hadn't taken off yet.
-My mom's favorite show Glee wasn't around yet.
Then the epic heater went down and the tennis boy of the days of old become the tennis bro of today. New streak count: 4 days.
Gin Gin
Billy Stein~ The Tennis Bro
Jackson, Mississippi's Most Eligible Sexiest Man Alive
Saturday, December 1, 2012
Jackson's Most Eligible Bachelor
Howdy do everybody,
I went back to my mom and dad's house in Florida a few weeks ago for dad-bro's 55th birthday. It was at this time I noticed a People magazine on my mom's coffee table. On the cover was Channing Tatum and the text read 'Sexiest Man Alive.'
I'm not one to argue, he was in a GI Joe movie; I don't care if they were a complete basardization of all the American heroes of my childhood once stood for. He also did a movie where he totally hooked up with Amanda Bynes while it was still cool. Channing Tatum, or CT for short, is definitely probably deserving of that award, girls are still talking about some movie he made called Magic Mike.
Here in the 601, just being 23 and not yet married has to put me on some sort of short list for most eligible bachelors around. But I have to consider my most immediate competition, the 2 other bros in my office. They're both older than me and senior in rank; that's key for they make more money than me and are older so they're way more stable then this mystery man. Where they dwarf me in those 2 categories, I far exceed them EVERYWHERE else. So ladies of the Jackson metro area, I'd like to formally throw my hat in the ring and be your most eligible bachelor and sexiest man alive.
I have my most eligible bachelor resume all set here and ready for you below. It's broken into what I believe are the most important categories a sexiest man alive should have.
Ready. Set. Sexiest man alive BRO.
HOLLYWOOD LOOK
Based on what the other guy that uses my office that we "share" at work says, if I'm not the sexiest most eligible bachelor in the Tri-County Area, I'm definitely the number 1 Rob Kardashian look-alike in town. Minus the hair gel and tats. I've also been told I am quite the Michael Rady impersonator. For those that don't know he on the show The Mentalist. He was also Kostas in the Sisterhood of the traveling yaya pants. So basically I have the tall dark and handsome thing down; Very much a must have for any tri-county Most Eligible Bachelor types. I am also starting to believe people could mention anyone with a tan ever and I could be directly compared to that person. Could be wrong.
PHILANTHROPIC SOFT SIDE
I feed the neighborhood stray cats all the time, bro.
SUPER ATHLETIC
I can juggle 3 balls. I once ran from the Oxford Square back to the ATO house in a rain storm having consumed multiple adult beverages, and DIDN'T throw up. Hit 3 inside the park home runs last softball season; 'nuff said.
IDEAS GUY
I'm all over this one idea, get this: A gallon jar that is equal parts peanut butter, jelly, nutella and marshmallow, all in one. Has the idea of the perfect sammich blown your mind yet? Or if that doesn't do it for you:
A massaging chair that is a whole couch. No matter what position your in, that son of a gun is going to massage you. Sharper Image, get me paid.
THE DARK SIDE
Some times I even pull a serious face. Like when I stub my toes, or fall down the steps in my apartment and shatter a glass candle along way. Clumsiness, definitely an appealing trait in the sexiest man in the tri-county area, reminds the masses I am a human that puts my pants on 1 leg at a time. Though my true darkness will not be seen until WWE brings back the cruiserweight division and the boy from Madison County is going top rope on some chump #BlackMamba.
SEX SYMBOL BODY
The results of my double days spent inside Planet Fitness: Picture AC Slater condensed down onto The Hobbit's size. But way less back hair. Sexy right?
LIFE OF LUXURY
Major vacay time coming up in Las Vegas, probably a Prince Harry type of week. Then New Orleans on New Years, Mardi Gras warm up. Lastly something exotic for Spring Break, I'm thinking the place where the music video for Big Pimpin' was shot.
When not being the total package, I also sit around tables with my cohorts and discuss 401K plans and refinancing on home loans... Because it doesn't hurt to be educated, my friends. That's what grown ups do.
I assume now my phone and email will blow up with single ladies wanting to hubby me down. This day had to come at some point.
Check me out on twitter, ladies @thetennisbro
Gin Gin
Billy Stein ~ The Tennis Bro
I went back to my mom and dad's house in Florida a few weeks ago for dad-bro's 55th birthday. It was at this time I noticed a People magazine on my mom's coffee table. On the cover was Channing Tatum and the text read 'Sexiest Man Alive.'
I'm not one to argue, he was in a GI Joe movie; I don't care if they were a complete basardization of all the American heroes of my childhood once stood for. He also did a movie where he totally hooked up with Amanda Bynes while it was still cool. Channing Tatum, or CT for short, is definitely probably deserving of that award, girls are still talking about some movie he made called Magic Mike.
Here in the 601, just being 23 and not yet married has to put me on some sort of short list for most eligible bachelors around. But I have to consider my most immediate competition, the 2 other bros in my office. They're both older than me and senior in rank; that's key for they make more money than me and are older so they're way more stable then this mystery man. Where they dwarf me in those 2 categories, I far exceed them EVERYWHERE else. So ladies of the Jackson metro area, I'd like to formally throw my hat in the ring and be your most eligible bachelor and sexiest man alive.
I have my most eligible bachelor resume all set here and ready for you below. It's broken into what I believe are the most important categories a sexiest man alive should have.
Ready. Set. Sexiest man alive BRO.
HOLLYWOOD LOOK
Based on what the other guy that uses my office that we "share" at work says, if I'm not the sexiest most eligible bachelor in the Tri-County Area, I'm definitely the number 1 Rob Kardashian look-alike in town. Minus the hair gel and tats. I've also been told I am quite the Michael Rady impersonator. For those that don't know he on the show The Mentalist. He was also Kostas in the Sisterhood of the traveling yaya pants. So basically I have the tall dark and handsome thing down; Very much a must have for any tri-county Most Eligible Bachelor types. I am also starting to believe people could mention anyone with a tan ever and I could be directly compared to that person. Could be wrong.
PHILANTHROPIC SOFT SIDE
I feed the neighborhood stray cats all the time, bro.
SUPER ATHLETIC
I can juggle 3 balls. I once ran from the Oxford Square back to the ATO house in a rain storm having consumed multiple adult beverages, and DIDN'T throw up. Hit 3 inside the park home runs last softball season; 'nuff said.
IDEAS GUY
I'm all over this one idea, get this: A gallon jar that is equal parts peanut butter, jelly, nutella and marshmallow, all in one. Has the idea of the perfect sammich blown your mind yet? Or if that doesn't do it for you:
A massaging chair that is a whole couch. No matter what position your in, that son of a gun is going to massage you. Sharper Image, get me paid.
THE DARK SIDE
Some times I even pull a serious face. Like when I stub my toes, or fall down the steps in my apartment and shatter a glass candle along way. Clumsiness, definitely an appealing trait in the sexiest man in the tri-county area, reminds the masses I am a human that puts my pants on 1 leg at a time. Though my true darkness will not be seen until WWE brings back the cruiserweight division and the boy from Madison County is going top rope on some chump #BlackMamba.
SEX SYMBOL BODY
The results of my double days spent inside Planet Fitness: Picture AC Slater condensed down onto The Hobbit's size. But way less back hair. Sexy right?
LIFE OF LUXURY
Major vacay time coming up in Las Vegas, probably a Prince Harry type of week. Then New Orleans on New Years, Mardi Gras warm up. Lastly something exotic for Spring Break, I'm thinking the place where the music video for Big Pimpin' was shot.
When not being the total package, I also sit around tables with my cohorts and discuss 401K plans and refinancing on home loans... Because it doesn't hurt to be educated, my friends. That's what grown ups do.
I assume now my phone and email will blow up with single ladies wanting to hubby me down. This day had to come at some point.
Check me out on twitter, ladies @thetennisbro
Gin Gin
Billy Stein ~ The Tennis Bro
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
The Film Script
What's up ladies and germs?
If you follow me on twitter you may see in the description that I am currently co-authoring the worst sports film ever conceived by 2 humans with my older brother. If you're not following me on twitter, do so @thetennisbro. For the record, we are downplaying everything. We are some modest mofos in my family and are really writing the best, and only, good tennis movie ever made.
The whole thing is inspired by real life that actually happened. See he's a Hollywood big shot and I'm... me. So this film is going to be totes mcgotes epic. These are our rough ideas. To be finished when we are in Vegas next month. Here is the script. By the way Wilson gets the exclusive apparel nod assuming everyone on set gets multiple copies of the t shirts that say 'I'd Hit that'. #Innuendo.
Ready. Set. BRO.
Our nameless hero, who doesn't yet have a name, though I'm thinking Dick Skywalker, any good? So Mark Wahlberg character, who I see Mark Wahlberg playing, is a boy at the US Open. Make up specialists will make him appear 9 years old again. Marky Mark hero will be a boy from Queens; but with kind of a thick Boston accent, worked when Pitt tried playing a dude from East Tennessee with an accent that stands to ZERO regions.
Nine year old Mark Wahlberg hero will be at the open watching his hero play the championship with his dad. For his dad, I'm hoping we can get the guy who played Harris in Major League, though I'll settle for Dorn if we have to. His hero is a toss up in my head somewhere between Don Johnson, Harrison Ford and Kevin Costner. How epic is this sports moving getting? So Indiana Jones wins the tournament and tosses his bandana into the crowd. Slightly over the head of 9 year old Wahlberg. It is on this day, he aspires to be a grand slam champion.
SIDENOTE: The product placement by our apparel sponsor Wilson, hasn't happened yet, but it will.
Wahly good guy has been a grinder, he's smelt glory, but never accomplished it. He is playing the Australian Open, the heat, the blue court, the tradition. He takes a spill and messes up his knee. I'm thinking an LCL/PCL deal because its the only kind of knee injury I've sustained.
SIDENOTE: Now I know all of you think an ACL accident is the only one that ever happens. But that just proves you watch football. This is tennis mofos, have some imagination.
So Dick is sidelined with injury. While he is laid up on the couch comes the rise of the villain in the film. played by wilmer valderrama. Wilmer plays the evil Spaniard Rafa Lopez; another working name, but Felciano plus Nadal equals one smooth bro, bro.
Wilmer is coached by the fire breathing jerk hole played by the blonde guy in Die Hard. These 2 are a devastating combo to the tennis world. They represent victory and intensity in the Varsity squad from D3 the Mighty Ducks kind of way. If the blonde guy is dead, Javier Bardem would make a wicked bad guy, right?
Marky Boston is at a garage sale on his crutches when he finds a familiar piece from tennis antiquity. It is the bandana that Han Solo tennis champ threw into the crowd all those years ago. He is now inspired going through rehab.
TRAINING MONTAGE!!
During this point Wilson has picked up on the budding success story and is passing out 'I'd Hit That' shirts like its Christmas...
Dick announces his intention to return to action AT THE US OPEN BIOTCHES. This happens the day before the Wimbledon final the Wilmer obviously rampages. The fire is lit on the old rivalry. To further f some s up, Dick's coach, played by Donald Draper, adds Kevin Costner to his coaching staff. Billy Chapel is bringing the field of dreams to the hard courts. I am so fired up.
With the aid of the bandana, his hero and Donald Draper, Mark Wahlberg is at his best running through the tournament. I forgot to mention, the love interest, played by Carrie Underwood, is in a total love triangle adding gun powder to a forest fire of hatred... what?
Dicky passes his previous best, the quarters and wins an epic 5-setter over AC Slater or Zach Morris, whichever has the availability to play the role in the semis. Championship showdown in the final.
It's not typical tennis bro maneuvers to talk a lot of smack before a final, but I am the tennis bro, and I want this tennis world to be malicious. Fists fly, die hard bro is encouraging Wilmer and Billy Chapel coach is talking Marky Mark straight. Carrie Underwood's heart lies with the champion.
In the greatest tennis match ever played in less than 3 days, the two duke it out. The serve of Marky Mark's power right vs the total package of Wilmer V. Like in the Roddick/Fed Miami 2012 match, it comes down to a very emotional break in the last set followed by a furious hold of serve for Marky Mark to win the match. And yeah, America wins a tennis final. BANG. What say you rest of the world? Oh and he totally wins the affection of Carrie Underwood. Greatest love story of this millennium.
Let the bidding for that script start at $100k against $200k. Talk to my people.
Follow me on twitter @thetennisbro
Gin, Gin
Billy Stein~ The Tennis Bro
If you follow me on twitter you may see in the description that I am currently co-authoring the worst sports film ever conceived by 2 humans with my older brother. If you're not following me on twitter, do so @thetennisbro. For the record, we are downplaying everything. We are some modest mofos in my family and are really writing the best, and only, good tennis movie ever made.
The whole thing is inspired by real life that actually happened. See he's a Hollywood big shot and I'm... me. So this film is going to be totes mcgotes epic. These are our rough ideas. To be finished when we are in Vegas next month. Here is the script. By the way Wilson gets the exclusive apparel nod assuming everyone on set gets multiple copies of the t shirts that say 'I'd Hit that'. #Innuendo.
Ready. Set. BRO.
Our nameless hero, who doesn't yet have a name, though I'm thinking Dick Skywalker, any good? So Mark Wahlberg character, who I see Mark Wahlberg playing, is a boy at the US Open. Make up specialists will make him appear 9 years old again. Marky Mark hero will be a boy from Queens; but with kind of a thick Boston accent, worked when Pitt tried playing a dude from East Tennessee with an accent that stands to ZERO regions.
Nine year old Mark Wahlberg hero will be at the open watching his hero play the championship with his dad. For his dad, I'm hoping we can get the guy who played Harris in Major League, though I'll settle for Dorn if we have to. His hero is a toss up in my head somewhere between Don Johnson, Harrison Ford and Kevin Costner. How epic is this sports moving getting? So Indiana Jones wins the tournament and tosses his bandana into the crowd. Slightly over the head of 9 year old Wahlberg. It is on this day, he aspires to be a grand slam champion.
SIDENOTE: The product placement by our apparel sponsor Wilson, hasn't happened yet, but it will.
Wahly good guy has been a grinder, he's smelt glory, but never accomplished it. He is playing the Australian Open, the heat, the blue court, the tradition. He takes a spill and messes up his knee. I'm thinking an LCL/PCL deal because its the only kind of knee injury I've sustained.
SIDENOTE: Now I know all of you think an ACL accident is the only one that ever happens. But that just proves you watch football. This is tennis mofos, have some imagination.
So Dick is sidelined with injury. While he is laid up on the couch comes the rise of the villain in the film. played by wilmer valderrama. Wilmer plays the evil Spaniard Rafa Lopez; another working name, but Felciano plus Nadal equals one smooth bro, bro.
Wilmer is coached by the fire breathing jerk hole played by the blonde guy in Die Hard. These 2 are a devastating combo to the tennis world. They represent victory and intensity in the Varsity squad from D3 the Mighty Ducks kind of way. If the blonde guy is dead, Javier Bardem would make a wicked bad guy, right?
Marky Boston is at a garage sale on his crutches when he finds a familiar piece from tennis antiquity. It is the bandana that Han Solo tennis champ threw into the crowd all those years ago. He is now inspired going through rehab.
TRAINING MONTAGE!!
During this point Wilson has picked up on the budding success story and is passing out 'I'd Hit That' shirts like its Christmas...
Dick announces his intention to return to action AT THE US OPEN BIOTCHES. This happens the day before the Wimbledon final the Wilmer obviously rampages. The fire is lit on the old rivalry. To further f some s up, Dick's coach, played by Donald Draper, adds Kevin Costner to his coaching staff. Billy Chapel is bringing the field of dreams to the hard courts. I am so fired up.
With the aid of the bandana, his hero and Donald Draper, Mark Wahlberg is at his best running through the tournament. I forgot to mention, the love interest, played by Carrie Underwood, is in a total love triangle adding gun powder to a forest fire of hatred... what?
Dicky passes his previous best, the quarters and wins an epic 5-setter over AC Slater or Zach Morris, whichever has the availability to play the role in the semis. Championship showdown in the final.
It's not typical tennis bro maneuvers to talk a lot of smack before a final, but I am the tennis bro, and I want this tennis world to be malicious. Fists fly, die hard bro is encouraging Wilmer and Billy Chapel coach is talking Marky Mark straight. Carrie Underwood's heart lies with the champion.
In the greatest tennis match ever played in less than 3 days, the two duke it out. The serve of Marky Mark's power right vs the total package of Wilmer V. Like in the Roddick/Fed Miami 2012 match, it comes down to a very emotional break in the last set followed by a furious hold of serve for Marky Mark to win the match. And yeah, America wins a tennis final. BANG. What say you rest of the world? Oh and he totally wins the affection of Carrie Underwood. Greatest love story of this millennium.
Let the bidding for that script start at $100k against $200k. Talk to my people.
Follow me on twitter @thetennisbro
Gin, Gin
Billy Stein~ The Tennis Bro
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
Davis Cup Final 2012
How's it going bros?
I found it very hard to think of a clever addendum to the title, so let's just skip it. This weekend is the Davis Cup Final. The last professional team tennis clash of the year. Also the end to another season of a global competition the world barely knows about.
On the one hand you have the Czech Republic, their last victory in this event came at a time they were still Czechoslovakia; Lendl didn't smile back then either. On the other you have Spain, the Alabama Crimson Tide of professional tennis.
I typically don't indulge in getting super analytic, but this one is too easy; and I'm sure the tennis world wouldn't mind a few more folks actually knowing what the Davis Cup is.
I do not see this as much of a competition. The Czechs are intending to use a fast court as a means to deter the Spanish who will be playing without Rafael Nadal; whose knees are beginning to remind me the empty, dried up dirt lots next to our house in South Texas. Not a pretty scene. The speed of the court does not matter, ladies and gents. Just because the Spanish train on red clay does not mean they are feeble on the tough stuff. When you consider the potential 2 on 5 match up that could be created in this one, the Vegas odds on the Czechs will be slimmer then Lindsay Lohan after her latest coke bender.
Here is the likely match up and the bro-diction for how I see this weekend shaking out.
Ready. Set. BRO.
1st Rubber:
Tomas Berdych (CR) vs. Nicolas almagro (ESP)
Number 6 Berdy Man vs. the 11th ranked Nico Almagro. Berdych hits a massive serve with an above status quo forehand. He is dangerous as an Arkansas fan who just found out Honey Boo Boo is between seasons; no lifestyle coaching tonight. However, despite all of this, I only feel like Berdych sustains a high ranking due to major success in tournaments against slim competition. He beat Federer... like 3 years ago.
Nico Almagro is subtly one of the most efficient servers in the sport. He is always top 5 in both 1st serve % and aces. His one-handed backhand looks cool if it isn't effective. He also looks more like the guy who played David DeCoco in Inglorious Basterds.
Total toss up. These 2 are pretty evenly matched. Advantage to Almagro. Berdych doesn't ever really seem to live up to the bill when he is hyped up.
Espana 1-0
2nd Rubber
David Ferrer (ESP) vs. Radek Stepanek
The number 5 player in the world, Ferrer, vs. the most likely seeded opponent to lose 1st round of every single major draw you ever pick him to succeed in. It isn't 2006 anymore, Stepanek may be able to steel the first set, but once the mini-beast gets in his zone, the grind he'll go on will resemble Maximus in Gladiator; always does.
Espana 2-0
3rd Rubber
Stepanek/Berdych (CR) vs. Lopez/Granollers (Esp)
The Czechs are now possibly down 2 rubbers to 0 at this point. Two guys that lost the day before now have to get it back together against the team that won another totally unknown tournament, the Year End Championship, last week. Stepanek is still a great doubles player; if and only if he is playing with his partner Leander Paes. He and Berdy man do not, repeat, do not have the chemistry to knock off a confident Spanish tandem that can see the finish line.
Espana 3-0
Clean shut out for the spanish. Now assuming I am wrong, here is what the 4th rubber would feature.
4th Rubber
David Ferrer vs. Tomas Berdych
A rested Ferrer on a hard court against Berdy man playing his 3rd match in 3 days. Let's just pretend Alex Corretja wasn't confident enough in the 5th best player in the world for a second, then Feliciano Lopez will be in Prague too. He is 4-3 lifetime against the big man.
Spain wins again.
5th Rubber
Radek Stepanek vs. Nico Almagro
This is a dead rubber by this point that will likely go unplayed; making up words now. Even if the 2 squared off, 185 year old Radek Stepanek isn't going to have the weapons or the stamina to hold off Almagro for 3 sets. This could be reminiscent of the Spanish Teams 5-0 win over the Czechs in 2009.
To save you the time, or emotional commitment, might I recommend you watch college football this weekend? This match up is taking the autobahn to Ass Kick City.
Of course if this doesn't turn out to be right, I'm going to look like a real schmuck.
Follow me on twitter @thetennisbro
Another productive travel weekend, going to Miami for my dad's 55th birthday. Hopefully something cool will happen.
I found it very hard to think of a clever addendum to the title, so let's just skip it. This weekend is the Davis Cup Final. The last professional team tennis clash of the year. Also the end to another season of a global competition the world barely knows about.
On the one hand you have the Czech Republic, their last victory in this event came at a time they were still Czechoslovakia; Lendl didn't smile back then either. On the other you have Spain, the Alabama Crimson Tide of professional tennis.
I typically don't indulge in getting super analytic, but this one is too easy; and I'm sure the tennis world wouldn't mind a few more folks actually knowing what the Davis Cup is.
I do not see this as much of a competition. The Czechs are intending to use a fast court as a means to deter the Spanish who will be playing without Rafael Nadal; whose knees are beginning to remind me the empty, dried up dirt lots next to our house in South Texas. Not a pretty scene. The speed of the court does not matter, ladies and gents. Just because the Spanish train on red clay does not mean they are feeble on the tough stuff. When you consider the potential 2 on 5 match up that could be created in this one, the Vegas odds on the Czechs will be slimmer then Lindsay Lohan after her latest coke bender.
Here is the likely match up and the bro-diction for how I see this weekend shaking out.
Ready. Set. BRO.
1st Rubber:
Tomas Berdych (CR) vs. Nicolas almagro (ESP)
Number 6 Berdy Man vs. the 11th ranked Nico Almagro. Berdych hits a massive serve with an above status quo forehand. He is dangerous as an Arkansas fan who just found out Honey Boo Boo is between seasons; no lifestyle coaching tonight. However, despite all of this, I only feel like Berdych sustains a high ranking due to major success in tournaments against slim competition. He beat Federer... like 3 years ago.
Nico Almagro is subtly one of the most efficient servers in the sport. He is always top 5 in both 1st serve % and aces. His one-handed backhand looks cool if it isn't effective. He also looks more like the guy who played David DeCoco in Inglorious Basterds.
Total toss up. These 2 are pretty evenly matched. Advantage to Almagro. Berdych doesn't ever really seem to live up to the bill when he is hyped up.
Espana 1-0
2nd Rubber
David Ferrer (ESP) vs. Radek Stepanek
The number 5 player in the world, Ferrer, vs. the most likely seeded opponent to lose 1st round of every single major draw you ever pick him to succeed in. It isn't 2006 anymore, Stepanek may be able to steel the first set, but once the mini-beast gets in his zone, the grind he'll go on will resemble Maximus in Gladiator; always does.
Espana 2-0
3rd Rubber
Stepanek/Berdych (CR) vs. Lopez/Granollers (Esp)
The Czechs are now possibly down 2 rubbers to 0 at this point. Two guys that lost the day before now have to get it back together against the team that won another totally unknown tournament, the Year End Championship, last week. Stepanek is still a great doubles player; if and only if he is playing with his partner Leander Paes. He and Berdy man do not, repeat, do not have the chemistry to knock off a confident Spanish tandem that can see the finish line.
Espana 3-0
Clean shut out for the spanish. Now assuming I am wrong, here is what the 4th rubber would feature.
4th Rubber
David Ferrer vs. Tomas Berdych
A rested Ferrer on a hard court against Berdy man playing his 3rd match in 3 days. Let's just pretend Alex Corretja wasn't confident enough in the 5th best player in the world for a second, then Feliciano Lopez will be in Prague too. He is 4-3 lifetime against the big man.
Spain wins again.
5th Rubber
Radek Stepanek vs. Nico Almagro
This is a dead rubber by this point that will likely go unplayed; making up words now. Even if the 2 squared off, 185 year old Radek Stepanek isn't going to have the weapons or the stamina to hold off Almagro for 3 sets. This could be reminiscent of the Spanish Teams 5-0 win over the Czechs in 2009.
To save you the time, or emotional commitment, might I recommend you watch college football this weekend? This match up is taking the autobahn to Ass Kick City.
Of course if this doesn't turn out to be right, I'm going to look like a real schmuck.
Follow me on twitter @thetennisbro
Another productive travel weekend, going to Miami for my dad's 55th birthday. Hopefully something cool will happen.
Monday, November 12, 2012
The Wimbledon Wedding
How's it going bros?
Pardon my absence, I was off attending the wedding of a childhood friend. And to those of you who enjoy the opinions of an aspiring wrestler with limited tennis ability, this should be something like a good day. I just drank a Malibu Red on the rocks *#NEYOmagic* and feel like blogging.
This wedding, to me, was more then just the coming together of one of my 2 friends I have kept up with prior to my college years; fruits of living in 7 states in one's first 18 years of existence. It was something like a homecoming. The formal nature intertwined with the old faces of friends with weird Wisconsin accents and new folks whose impressive nature leaves a lasting impression. This wedding was like Wimbledon; assuming Wimbledon took place in Milwaukee in November.
It is no secret to anyone, I am a large fan of John Isner. He's an SEC boy who was born in North Carolina and moved to Georgia at age 18; sound like anyone else writing this? We share a mutual adoration for Shawn Michaels; though I am still inclined to believe both the Stone Cold Stunner and the People's Elbow made for better star power then the Sweet Chin Music. I even believe I resemble John Isner, minus 14 inches and 100 pounds; like anyone would notice that anyway.
Moreover, John Isner won over the respect of America, and much of the world, after defeating Nicolas Mahut in the Marathon Match at Wimbledon in 2010. The same match that spanned 3 days, 11 hours, 980 points, 183 games and some sort of out-of-control number of aces. His resolve, teamed with our mutually visually aesthetic appearance and basically same lifestyle, is the inspiration for my recount of my friends' wedding.
A Precursor: I had a lot of fun and a lot to drink on the day of the wedding. As it turns out, Milwaukee is a pretty easy place to find a drink. I had always figured that much, but this was evidence by the story I am about to tell you. I always considered myself a pretty big party guy in college and even today. But in college I never went on a virtually interruption 20-hour bender like I did Saturday. I now give you the 5 set marathon that was my drinking binge on the day of my best childhood friend's wedding. I fully expect you'll remember it like the marathon match was yesterday.
Ready. Set. BRO.
1ST SET
Saturday Morning 6 am:
I am in a house full of dudes. I slept on the floor with a pillow and a fitted bed sheet as a cover in anticipation for an early start to my childhood friend's wedding. I say this house was full of dudes, I mean this house was probably in the running for 2012 International House of Sausage Party of the Year. The groom, his 12 groomsmen and his 5 ushers, most of whom were throwers on the Marquette University track team were crammed into 1 very small house; lots of dude sweat.
What I believe to be insomnia, teamed with the temperature of the house being 500 degrees above the normal amount of adult men sleeping in such a confined quarter equaled one very early wake up call as evidence by the below equation:
Uneducated diagnosis of serious disease + Abundance of no shave November Contestants within 1000 Square feet of each other = 5 am wake up.
As all the other bros were causing a line that would remind you of a gas shortage around the coffee maker, I instead made moves towards the fridge full of beer with no line in front of it #TennisBro. Over the next 3 hours, the bro, and 17 other dudes would engage in what anyone else would do to celebrate a good buddies wedding; listen to Kashmir by Led Zep and tell old stories. I decided to drink 3 beers and stop after I reach the point where my arms fell light weight but my cheeks weren't glued in the s&*^ eating grin position.
SIDE NOTE: This state normally occurs after I get 2/3 of the way through A beer. Don't know how I lasted so long.
My ability to keep it in check and be able to be the groomsman that kept the others in fine form with my school boy charm and impressive dimples gave me the break of serve. 6-4, 1 set to 0.
2ND SET
1:30 pm Saturday
The wedding and the obscene amount of pictures necessary to take are finally over. I had my opportunities to break, but the unnecessary nature of posing in such ways that people utterly NEVER do for the pictures gets me irritated.
Full Disclosure: These can actually be a lot of fun if the groomsmen are as cool as my cohorts were at this wedding. I blame the freezing cold wind and the shade for my short patience with the pictures where 'serious faces' were necessary.
We now board a trolley car that stops at a liquor store. In typical fashion, the girls send the boys in to pay for everything including champagne that was never opened. In the spirit of being in Wisconsin, I went for the Miller Lite; which I had utterly 2 minutes to drink before the stopped the trolley for lunch. In this time I am offered a jack and coke by another groomsman; I declined thinking I should pace myself. The trolley stops and I have not drank away the pain the terrible rented shoes elicited on my feet #FAILCITY.
I am dealt a break and lose the set 3-6.
3RD SET
2:00 pm Saturday
The bridesmaids and groomsmen meet up at a very cool bar called Red Rocks. This place mistakes its existence in the Midwest for being in Texas; something I am totally on board with. The menu has brisket sliders and bbq quesadillas; which were like eating Aphrodite's tears.
I proceed to the bar to get a very Wisconsin-like beer. The bartender succeeded in giving a very dark one of some kind. I toast the death of an old friend to the purgatory of marriage with 4 other groomsmen. It is while drinking this eclectic brew and dominating some apps that pictures are taken while we sit on the bar. I'll be honest, probably would have been more rage if we had pool sticks and broken glasses and other roadhouse-type contraband, but we didn't.
I go for round 2, this time a new bartender decides she wants to card me; despite returning with a long neck in hand. She uses this as an opportunity to remind me that we're in Wisconsin and its weird that a guy from Mississippi is in her bar; gee I forgot, moron. I drink this beer down and talk shop with many people, just doing tennis bro stuff. And yet, despite having more to drink in 9 hours than I normally do in whole weekends, I am not intoxicated, I am tired.
The universe pulls a skinny break at 7 on my in the breaker, 6-7. I am getting dangerously close to losing this match.
POWER NAP.
4TH SET
5 pm Saturday
Reception time biotches. I use the 1-hour cocktail party to chat with some people I really didn't know at all year ago when I lived in Wisconsin. Truth be told, in most every case, I didn't really know most of these folks back then and was coming up a little short on things to talk about.
For the set's sake, there was an open bar.
In a span of 20 minutes I had 3 flutes of champagne. When the same waitress that was serving my the whole time asked for an ID on number 4, I turned my head to grab my wallet and she served 15 flutes of champagne to my tuxedo. When I say that I mean she spilled her whole tray of champagne on my lap. The manager, using a thick 'scayinsin accent, had this exchange with me.
-"You rented that tux right? It's not yours."
-"Yes sir, I did."
-"Ooooh okay. You want a bar rag or something?"
-"Yes sir please."
This bro came back with a bar rag and a beer; such a rad bro maneuver.
I can not tell you how many drinks total I had once inside the reception, I do know that at one point I had a champagne, cabernet, beer and empty beer in front of me; all of which were consumed. Now the boy is starting to feel the effects. My suit the next day the remnants of spilt red wine, beer and cupcake frosting on it; good thing it was a rental bros.
I manage a few NE-YO moves on the dance floor and grab road cupcakes; this set is mine mofos. I win the breaker at 3. To a decisive 5th we go.
5TH SET
Some point after telling time is no longer a capability of mine.
I am hanging out with a girl I went to high school with at this point. She is a blonde who is about as totally 'sconsin as you can get. By that I mean doesn't follow college football. We went to a bar called Trinity somewhere in Milwaukee. I ordered us a round of beers, we don't even dent them before she decides to order tequila shots.
SIDENOTE: How many tenses was that last string of thoughts in?
This is where the tone was set. We slammed our shots of whatever crap the waitress sent us and continued drinking Miller Lite or whatever other low quality brews we ordered; unimportant.
It's on now. Another groomsman ordered a round of irish car bombs. Feeling below the neck is sliding. It feels like this match has been going on for 2 days at this point. Now my lady friend from high school orders round 2 of tequila. I accept the shot knowing full well I am not going to be able to taste it or remember it; both of these prove to be false.
I am now at Stage 5 drunkness, my eyes are open about 1 mm as the lady orders ROUND 3. I tossed it back like a champion. I am gaining momentum; is this thing really spilling over to a 3rd day?
Now the memory is slipping by the wayside. I am unfamiliar with method of return to my hotel. in fairness, in a time span of some sort I have consumed a beer, a car bomb and 3 shots of tequila. I do recall saying good bye to my old friend; happy about it to given the fact it may be another decade until I head in that direction again.
Making it to my room and getting out my tuxedo was a major hold of serve. 69-68. The key to this win was waking up the next morning AFTER 8 am and free of any physical repercussions. True story, I haven't had a hangover since I was 20 the day of my older brother's college graduation. Alcohol has nothing on the bro. The actually break of serve didn't come until I walked up to my window shirtless, considerations of pure awesomeness, I proceed to beat my fists against my chest.. This catches the attention of several pedestrians on the very busy street my hotel was on, causing folks to point and one dude doubling over laughing at my awesomeness.
Break of serve!!
I take the 5th set 70-68. Judging by my text history, I would assume I wrapped up sometime around 3 am. Meaning the estimated time frame of consumption was over 20 hours. A feet I never came close to even in college. Everyone else I know is wilting away with age, I keep getting more and more awesome. There's your proof.
Congratulations to my old friend TJ and his new wife Cara. I hope y'all have a great time on the honeymoon in Hawaii and a life of happiness. Y'all better make good on my dibs call as the godfather of your kids.
More congrats go out to Novak BROkovic winning the Year End Championship. Though it still doesn't have the notoriety it should, its no picnic winning a tournament the top 8 players in the world compete in on plenty of rest. Enjoy all the points you have to defend your number 1 ranking with.
In celebration of Chad Kultgen's new novel the Average American Marriage coming out next year, my next post will be about my ledger I keep all of my work-related notes in.
Cheers
Billy Stein ~ The Tennis Bro
Pardon my absence, I was off attending the wedding of a childhood friend. And to those of you who enjoy the opinions of an aspiring wrestler with limited tennis ability, this should be something like a good day. I just drank a Malibu Red on the rocks *#NEYOmagic* and feel like blogging.
This wedding, to me, was more then just the coming together of one of my 2 friends I have kept up with prior to my college years; fruits of living in 7 states in one's first 18 years of existence. It was something like a homecoming. The formal nature intertwined with the old faces of friends with weird Wisconsin accents and new folks whose impressive nature leaves a lasting impression. This wedding was like Wimbledon; assuming Wimbledon took place in Milwaukee in November.
It is no secret to anyone, I am a large fan of John Isner. He's an SEC boy who was born in North Carolina and moved to Georgia at age 18; sound like anyone else writing this? We share a mutual adoration for Shawn Michaels; though I am still inclined to believe both the Stone Cold Stunner and the People's Elbow made for better star power then the Sweet Chin Music. I even believe I resemble John Isner, minus 14 inches and 100 pounds; like anyone would notice that anyway.
Moreover, John Isner won over the respect of America, and much of the world, after defeating Nicolas Mahut in the Marathon Match at Wimbledon in 2010. The same match that spanned 3 days, 11 hours, 980 points, 183 games and some sort of out-of-control number of aces. His resolve, teamed with our mutually visually aesthetic appearance and basically same lifestyle, is the inspiration for my recount of my friends' wedding.
A Precursor: I had a lot of fun and a lot to drink on the day of the wedding. As it turns out, Milwaukee is a pretty easy place to find a drink. I had always figured that much, but this was evidence by the story I am about to tell you. I always considered myself a pretty big party guy in college and even today. But in college I never went on a virtually interruption 20-hour bender like I did Saturday. I now give you the 5 set marathon that was my drinking binge on the day of my best childhood friend's wedding. I fully expect you'll remember it like the marathon match was yesterday.
Ready. Set. BRO.
1ST SET
Saturday Morning 6 am:
I am in a house full of dudes. I slept on the floor with a pillow and a fitted bed sheet as a cover in anticipation for an early start to my childhood friend's wedding. I say this house was full of dudes, I mean this house was probably in the running for 2012 International House of Sausage Party of the Year. The groom, his 12 groomsmen and his 5 ushers, most of whom were throwers on the Marquette University track team were crammed into 1 very small house; lots of dude sweat.
What I believe to be insomnia, teamed with the temperature of the house being 500 degrees above the normal amount of adult men sleeping in such a confined quarter equaled one very early wake up call as evidence by the below equation:
Uneducated diagnosis of serious disease + Abundance of no shave November Contestants within 1000 Square feet of each other = 5 am wake up.
As all the other bros were causing a line that would remind you of a gas shortage around the coffee maker, I instead made moves towards the fridge full of beer with no line in front of it #TennisBro. Over the next 3 hours, the bro, and 17 other dudes would engage in what anyone else would do to celebrate a good buddies wedding; listen to Kashmir by Led Zep and tell old stories. I decided to drink 3 beers and stop after I reach the point where my arms fell light weight but my cheeks weren't glued in the s&*^ eating grin position.
SIDE NOTE: This state normally occurs after I get 2/3 of the way through A beer. Don't know how I lasted so long.
My ability to keep it in check and be able to be the groomsman that kept the others in fine form with my school boy charm and impressive dimples gave me the break of serve. 6-4, 1 set to 0.
2ND SET
1:30 pm Saturday
The wedding and the obscene amount of pictures necessary to take are finally over. I had my opportunities to break, but the unnecessary nature of posing in such ways that people utterly NEVER do for the pictures gets me irritated.
Full Disclosure: These can actually be a lot of fun if the groomsmen are as cool as my cohorts were at this wedding. I blame the freezing cold wind and the shade for my short patience with the pictures where 'serious faces' were necessary.
We now board a trolley car that stops at a liquor store. In typical fashion, the girls send the boys in to pay for everything including champagne that was never opened. In the spirit of being in Wisconsin, I went for the Miller Lite; which I had utterly 2 minutes to drink before the stopped the trolley for lunch. In this time I am offered a jack and coke by another groomsman; I declined thinking I should pace myself. The trolley stops and I have not drank away the pain the terrible rented shoes elicited on my feet #FAILCITY.
I am dealt a break and lose the set 3-6.
3RD SET
2:00 pm Saturday
The bridesmaids and groomsmen meet up at a very cool bar called Red Rocks. This place mistakes its existence in the Midwest for being in Texas; something I am totally on board with. The menu has brisket sliders and bbq quesadillas; which were like eating Aphrodite's tears.
I proceed to the bar to get a very Wisconsin-like beer. The bartender succeeded in giving a very dark one of some kind. I toast the death of an old friend to the purgatory of marriage with 4 other groomsmen. It is while drinking this eclectic brew and dominating some apps that pictures are taken while we sit on the bar. I'll be honest, probably would have been more rage if we had pool sticks and broken glasses and other roadhouse-type contraband, but we didn't.
I go for round 2, this time a new bartender decides she wants to card me; despite returning with a long neck in hand. She uses this as an opportunity to remind me that we're in Wisconsin and its weird that a guy from Mississippi is in her bar; gee I forgot, moron. I drink this beer down and talk shop with many people, just doing tennis bro stuff. And yet, despite having more to drink in 9 hours than I normally do in whole weekends, I am not intoxicated, I am tired.
The universe pulls a skinny break at 7 on my in the breaker, 6-7. I am getting dangerously close to losing this match.
POWER NAP.
4TH SET
5 pm Saturday
Reception time biotches. I use the 1-hour cocktail party to chat with some people I really didn't know at all year ago when I lived in Wisconsin. Truth be told, in most every case, I didn't really know most of these folks back then and was coming up a little short on things to talk about.
For the set's sake, there was an open bar.
In a span of 20 minutes I had 3 flutes of champagne. When the same waitress that was serving my the whole time asked for an ID on number 4, I turned my head to grab my wallet and she served 15 flutes of champagne to my tuxedo. When I say that I mean she spilled her whole tray of champagne on my lap. The manager, using a thick 'scayinsin accent, had this exchange with me.
-"You rented that tux right? It's not yours."
-"Yes sir, I did."
-"Ooooh okay. You want a bar rag or something?"
-"Yes sir please."
This bro came back with a bar rag and a beer; such a rad bro maneuver.
I can not tell you how many drinks total I had once inside the reception, I do know that at one point I had a champagne, cabernet, beer and empty beer in front of me; all of which were consumed. Now the boy is starting to feel the effects. My suit the next day the remnants of spilt red wine, beer and cupcake frosting on it; good thing it was a rental bros.
I manage a few NE-YO moves on the dance floor and grab road cupcakes; this set is mine mofos. I win the breaker at 3. To a decisive 5th we go.
5TH SET
Some point after telling time is no longer a capability of mine.
I am hanging out with a girl I went to high school with at this point. She is a blonde who is about as totally 'sconsin as you can get. By that I mean doesn't follow college football. We went to a bar called Trinity somewhere in Milwaukee. I ordered us a round of beers, we don't even dent them before she decides to order tequila shots.
SIDENOTE: How many tenses was that last string of thoughts in?
This is where the tone was set. We slammed our shots of whatever crap the waitress sent us and continued drinking Miller Lite or whatever other low quality brews we ordered; unimportant.
It's on now. Another groomsman ordered a round of irish car bombs. Feeling below the neck is sliding. It feels like this match has been going on for 2 days at this point. Now my lady friend from high school orders round 2 of tequila. I accept the shot knowing full well I am not going to be able to taste it or remember it; both of these prove to be false.
I am now at Stage 5 drunkness, my eyes are open about 1 mm as the lady orders ROUND 3. I tossed it back like a champion. I am gaining momentum; is this thing really spilling over to a 3rd day?
Now the memory is slipping by the wayside. I am unfamiliar with method of return to my hotel. in fairness, in a time span of some sort I have consumed a beer, a car bomb and 3 shots of tequila. I do recall saying good bye to my old friend; happy about it to given the fact it may be another decade until I head in that direction again.
Making it to my room and getting out my tuxedo was a major hold of serve. 69-68. The key to this win was waking up the next morning AFTER 8 am and free of any physical repercussions. True story, I haven't had a hangover since I was 20 the day of my older brother's college graduation. Alcohol has nothing on the bro. The actually break of serve didn't come until I walked up to my window shirtless, considerations of pure awesomeness, I proceed to beat my fists against my chest.. This catches the attention of several pedestrians on the very busy street my hotel was on, causing folks to point and one dude doubling over laughing at my awesomeness.
Break of serve!!
I take the 5th set 70-68. Judging by my text history, I would assume I wrapped up sometime around 3 am. Meaning the estimated time frame of consumption was over 20 hours. A feet I never came close to even in college. Everyone else I know is wilting away with age, I keep getting more and more awesome. There's your proof.
Congratulations to my old friend TJ and his new wife Cara. I hope y'all have a great time on the honeymoon in Hawaii and a life of happiness. Y'all better make good on my dibs call as the godfather of your kids.
More congrats go out to Novak BROkovic winning the Year End Championship. Though it still doesn't have the notoriety it should, its no picnic winning a tournament the top 8 players in the world compete in on plenty of rest. Enjoy all the points you have to defend your number 1 ranking with.
In celebration of Chad Kultgen's new novel the Average American Marriage coming out next year, my next post will be about my ledger I keep all of my work-related notes in.
Cheers
Billy Stein ~ The Tennis Bro
Friday, November 2, 2012
Pre-Tennis Match Routine
How's it going bros?
I am so EXCITED RIGHT NOW!!!! Sam Querrey may be on the brink of something special in a totally irrelevant tournament in Paris after beating BROkovic then going big brother over Raonic; again.
More Exhilarating then that, I heard the song 'In the Air Tonight' while on the Reservoir Spillway today. I had my 'bans on, it was a total Miami Vice Moment. The only thing that could have been more picturesque would have been if ol' Alice, my jeep, had her top down.
That song gets me amped up. So much so that it is the first installment of my pre-match routine that gets me in my zone before playing a tennis match. I am a very regimental dude; and basically a total nut job. Those who played with me when I was first getting started probably remember a yelling, racquet-destroying force of douche bag nature. I realized, that is no way to bro, then decided to do way weirder stuff prior to playing. I say weird in a very liberal sense; I find what I am doing to be quite normal. But I am guessing you don't do this, and maybe you should, you may not win, but at least you'll look like a total lady-killing badass. I now lay out for you what I do to get ready for a tennis match.
Ready. Set. BRO.
I start my routine by watching the 'In the Air Tonight' sequence from the Miami Vice pilot. The weird drum thing that starts it out starts beating. Crockett goes into a phone booth; total 1984 tennis bro maneuver. He asks his wife whether or not their marriage was ever real; she says yes, duh. The song picks up, the Ferrari Daytona is rolling; drop the epic drums. The man hunt for the terrorist formerly known as Calderone is so on.
Now it's important you know I have 2 names for my apartment, The 'Rad Pad' and 'Club B'. When I am about to play tennis, its definitely Club B. I do more dancing in this tiny little cave then Club 54 did when Disco Mania plagued the nation.
I keep a list of 3 songs I listen to. The first 2 songs I listen to once, then the third song goes on repeat 13 times, and with good reason.
The first song I listen to is called "Hello" by Karmin. Which is such a badass song to wake up the body to. I follow it up with the full-length video of Smooth Criminal. MJ was without a doubt the most electrifying entertainer of all time; I'm working on being number 2. I do an insane amount of tearing up the floor in Club B to this song.
Disclaimer: The forward 45 degree power lean, definitely impossible. Met my downstairs neighbor for the first time after a little experimentation with physics gone wrong. They must use some kind of chords or something... Just messing with you, Michael Jackson could do all things with his magical powers; I bet he still haunts the Presley family.
After my body is warm and muscles are feeling loosey goosey. I go to song number 3. This song is called "Your body" by Pretty Ricky. I listen to the song 13 times in a row. My reasoning; its a great paradox in pop music. Similar to Chris Brown, the lyrics are downright offensive if you listen to them. Though you probably didn't because you were too fixated on how rad the beat to the song is or how catchy the hook is.
Disclaimer: I actually do not know the difference between a hook or a beat, but assume there is one.
When I am on-court, I have found I play best when I have this song stuck in my head. My favorite lyric is at the 1:06 mark when he says "Get a taste of the salami." Utterly the worst thing you could ever say to a girl, right? Maybe not, if I said that, it's five star to the face city BABAY, but I feel like a girl probably laughed and smiled when he said it. I often randomly start dancing on the court to this song and laugh at that one lyric when playing. If you stop and think "What the heck is wrong with this guy?" or "Look, the jawa is dancing" I have already beaten you. And we have probably thought of a great addendum for the sure-fire travesty that will be Disney's next 3 star wars movies.
Now venturing back to some of the things I do that you probably think are stupid. I speak to my racquets in spanish before I play. Ever try speaking another language? It's hard as hell, certainly makes you better to party with though.
I also tell myself all the time that I am going to do some lunges and push ups before a match to loosen up the arms and legs; never have. It is the decision each time not to do it, that is becoming something of a tradition.
After that I really just get to the court, run circles around every ball hit at me and counter punch like it's my job.
SIDENOTE: By counter punch I man build a wall around the court that is supported by mach 1 speed and determination that would make Tim Tebow pee his pants suit. absorb pace and slow it down to utilize my speed and stamina. Then dance to Pretty Ricky and remind the opponent That I am tall enough to ride the roller coaster and DO WORK, SON.
Though I would far prefer my job being the WWE cruiserweight champion of the world. The BLACK MMMMMAAAAAAAMMMMMMMBBBBBBBAAAAAA.
Next time I'll unveil the script for my a very special episode of law and order, Jackson-Style featuring the bro.
As per my predictions for what is to happen this next week, I would bet as follows:
-Federer wins the YEC; you have a better chance of beating Whitey Ford in Yankee Stadium then Fed in the O2 Arena.
-Obama wins the election
-Milwaukee November weather beats the bro; I am obligated to rage groomsmenship for a lifelong friend, even if its a November wedding in Wisconsin.
Follow me on Twitter @thetennisbro
oh yeah, and I'm going to VEGAS the right before Christmas, hope to rage face with some of you.
I am so EXCITED RIGHT NOW!!!! Sam Querrey may be on the brink of something special in a totally irrelevant tournament in Paris after beating BROkovic then going big brother over Raonic; again.
More Exhilarating then that, I heard the song 'In the Air Tonight' while on the Reservoir Spillway today. I had my 'bans on, it was a total Miami Vice Moment. The only thing that could have been more picturesque would have been if ol' Alice, my jeep, had her top down.
That song gets me amped up. So much so that it is the first installment of my pre-match routine that gets me in my zone before playing a tennis match. I am a very regimental dude; and basically a total nut job. Those who played with me when I was first getting started probably remember a yelling, racquet-destroying force of douche bag nature. I realized, that is no way to bro, then decided to do way weirder stuff prior to playing. I say weird in a very liberal sense; I find what I am doing to be quite normal. But I am guessing you don't do this, and maybe you should, you may not win, but at least you'll look like a total lady-killing badass. I now lay out for you what I do to get ready for a tennis match.
Ready. Set. BRO.
I start my routine by watching the 'In the Air Tonight' sequence from the Miami Vice pilot. The weird drum thing that starts it out starts beating. Crockett goes into a phone booth; total 1984 tennis bro maneuver. He asks his wife whether or not their marriage was ever real; she says yes, duh. The song picks up, the Ferrari Daytona is rolling; drop the epic drums. The man hunt for the terrorist formerly known as Calderone is so on.
Now it's important you know I have 2 names for my apartment, The 'Rad Pad' and 'Club B'. When I am about to play tennis, its definitely Club B. I do more dancing in this tiny little cave then Club 54 did when Disco Mania plagued the nation.
I keep a list of 3 songs I listen to. The first 2 songs I listen to once, then the third song goes on repeat 13 times, and with good reason.
The first song I listen to is called "Hello" by Karmin. Which is such a badass song to wake up the body to. I follow it up with the full-length video of Smooth Criminal. MJ was without a doubt the most electrifying entertainer of all time; I'm working on being number 2. I do an insane amount of tearing up the floor in Club B to this song.
Disclaimer: The forward 45 degree power lean, definitely impossible. Met my downstairs neighbor for the first time after a little experimentation with physics gone wrong. They must use some kind of chords or something... Just messing with you, Michael Jackson could do all things with his magical powers; I bet he still haunts the Presley family.
After my body is warm and muscles are feeling loosey goosey. I go to song number 3. This song is called "Your body" by Pretty Ricky. I listen to the song 13 times in a row. My reasoning; its a great paradox in pop music. Similar to Chris Brown, the lyrics are downright offensive if you listen to them. Though you probably didn't because you were too fixated on how rad the beat to the song is or how catchy the hook is.
Disclaimer: I actually do not know the difference between a hook or a beat, but assume there is one.
When I am on-court, I have found I play best when I have this song stuck in my head. My favorite lyric is at the 1:06 mark when he says "Get a taste of the salami." Utterly the worst thing you could ever say to a girl, right? Maybe not, if I said that, it's five star to the face city BABAY, but I feel like a girl probably laughed and smiled when he said it. I often randomly start dancing on the court to this song and laugh at that one lyric when playing. If you stop and think "What the heck is wrong with this guy?" or "Look, the jawa is dancing" I have already beaten you. And we have probably thought of a great addendum for the sure-fire travesty that will be Disney's next 3 star wars movies.
Now venturing back to some of the things I do that you probably think are stupid. I speak to my racquets in spanish before I play. Ever try speaking another language? It's hard as hell, certainly makes you better to party with though.
I also tell myself all the time that I am going to do some lunges and push ups before a match to loosen up the arms and legs; never have. It is the decision each time not to do it, that is becoming something of a tradition.
After that I really just get to the court, run circles around every ball hit at me and counter punch like it's my job.
SIDENOTE: By counter punch I man build a wall around the court that is supported by mach 1 speed and determination that would make Tim Tebow pee his pants suit. absorb pace and slow it down to utilize my speed and stamina. Then dance to Pretty Ricky and remind the opponent That I am tall enough to ride the roller coaster and DO WORK, SON.
Though I would far prefer my job being the WWE cruiserweight champion of the world. The BLACK MMMMMAAAAAAAMMMMMMMBBBBBBBAAAAAA.
Next time I'll unveil the script for my a very special episode of law and order, Jackson-Style featuring the bro.
As per my predictions for what is to happen this next week, I would bet as follows:
-Federer wins the YEC; you have a better chance of beating Whitey Ford in Yankee Stadium then Fed in the O2 Arena.
-Obama wins the election
-Milwaukee November weather beats the bro; I am obligated to rage groomsmenship for a lifelong friend, even if its a November wedding in Wisconsin.
Follow me on Twitter @thetennisbro
oh yeah, and I'm going to VEGAS the right before Christmas, hope to rage face with some of you.
Sunday, October 28, 2012
Happy Hour With Heather Watson
How's it going bros?
My readership expands. The tennis community has chosen to laugh at jokes rather than get offended; cha ching. And to the reader(s) in Russia, extreme shout out to you, bro(s).
I apologize for the hiatus, just in case any of you actually get pumped for me to publish my genius. My dad, the original tennis bro, was in town this weekend and we were absolutely up to our same old father son shenanigans. These shenanigans included going to an oyster bar and ordering ZERO seafood, playing 2 and half hour of tennis and drinking vodka instead of water when we finished, and having a WILD experience at a fine local eatery.
The place was Burgers and Blues in Ridgeland, MS. The players were my papa, my buddy Dee and, of course, the Black Mamba. This dinner was clutch; great food, high gravity beer, and my mom wasn't around to filter papa bro. Among the highlights of the meal included 2 rounds of Abita Andygator; way more KABOOM in that mess then the norm, Dee Spilling his water over and our hot waitress writing 'Sippy Cup' on his new cup and my dad choosing to ignore the fact that I introduced him to the Show Man Vs. Food while talking for 20 minutes about some episodes.
SIDE NOTE: The Burgers and Blues Food Challenge was attempted by Adam Richman and Food won.
ANOTHER SIDE NOTE: In the next few days I will sneaking my own picture up on the wall in full on Black Mamba attire doing my 'Mach 3 Hunter' pose despite not finishing my 4 oz cheese burger. #Tennisbromaneuver
Our waitress was a smoke show, too. Blue eyes, a country accent and an Ole Miss bias. That's something of a holy triumvirate. At the end of the meal when Dee said "Bring 2 checks, put the food and drinks on his and your number on mine." Her response was a blank ticket that said 601-come back again. To the viewer not from Mississippi, 601 is the area code that spans the entire central part of the state. So he got 3 out of the 10, not bad.
This waitress reminded me in many ways of Heather Watson, my favorite girl on the WTA Tour. I know I promised a list of 10 people I would go to Happy Hour with, but I imagine Heather would be the most fun out of the 10. She also tests at a 72% on the Stinging Nostril Scale.
SIDE NOTE: The stinging nostril scale is a very unscientific scale used to predict the likelihood something will be said or done that is so funny that one's drink is not swallowed but spit up due to dumb s%&* laughter. This often includes beverage coming out the nostrils creating a stinging sensation for the best part of 2 seconds. There is not equation for this test and I have noticed that my friends usually never spit up from something I do; too suave, but I always seem to allocate myself some stinging nostrils. There's something not right about me.
I have been doing my homework; through a handful of youtube vids, pretty much homework. This is what I imagine happy hour with Heather Watson would be like:
Ready. Set. BRO.
I am still coming down to earth from the sensation of my work as the badass biker in NE-YO's newest video. My new girlfriend Carly Rae Jepsen and I are at the after party of the MTV VMA's that NE-YO and I just hosted. Who do we spot? World Number 49 Heather Watson; ranking subject to change due to her coming into her own on court, and the fact that this may not be before tomorrow when new rankings come out.
Heather is in Jackson scoping out the Science Museum on Lakeland; such a rad time. We decide to grab a drink at Pelican Cove and celebrate our mutual successes; Carly allows it then tells me to call her maybe.
Now I imagine, solely based on Green Street Hooligans; epic guy cry film, Heather drinks dark beer at room temperature. She may drink wine, or lemon drops or something girly. For street cred sake, its a Guinness. Most of this conversation is done by yelling because the band wants to make sure you can hear them play across the 5 mile reservoir spillway.
The combined energy at the table would be enough to keep a small town lit for days. Heather is big on Trey Songz and playing backhand, to me its all about protecting the deuce court with my forehand and #NEYOmagic. We are clearly 2 kindred spirits that would make a raw recreational league doubles team.
Among other topics of discussion, why English folks haven't gotten on french fries yet, Robin Van Persie-Manchester Lady Killer and above all, the creative genius of Cher Lloyd. She talks to me about Carly Rae Jepsen's and my pending nuptuals and our plan to put an end to, or marginally disrupt, or still encourage, American jokes about Canada. Pretty enthralling stuff. This is the point in which Heather Watson's pro tennis player schedule makes it impossible to continue our epic happy hour. My beer is downed and all of a sudden I am feeling a little tipsy #classicBilly.
Our similar personalities at one table verify beyond a reasonable doubt that there is really nothing to do in Jackson other then write about being a party to #NEYOmagic. Something I will laugh in everyone not named Jay Z's face about when I'm wanted to be the bad guy in every hip hop music video ever. I will still be holding out for my opportunity to enter the Royal Rumble.
Starting now I begin to countdown to the men's Year End Championship and my trip to the exciting city of Milwaukee, Wisconsin where a good friend of mine is getting married... in November. My opinions on the YEC and its contenders will be scientific without using the scientific method.
Now if you'll excuse me, WWE Hell in a Cell is on Pay Per View.
Follow me on twitter @thetennisbro
My readership expands. The tennis community has chosen to laugh at jokes rather than get offended; cha ching. And to the reader(s) in Russia, extreme shout out to you, bro(s).
I apologize for the hiatus, just in case any of you actually get pumped for me to publish my genius. My dad, the original tennis bro, was in town this weekend and we were absolutely up to our same old father son shenanigans. These shenanigans included going to an oyster bar and ordering ZERO seafood, playing 2 and half hour of tennis and drinking vodka instead of water when we finished, and having a WILD experience at a fine local eatery.
The place was Burgers and Blues in Ridgeland, MS. The players were my papa, my buddy Dee and, of course, the Black Mamba. This dinner was clutch; great food, high gravity beer, and my mom wasn't around to filter papa bro. Among the highlights of the meal included 2 rounds of Abita Andygator; way more KABOOM in that mess then the norm, Dee Spilling his water over and our hot waitress writing 'Sippy Cup' on his new cup and my dad choosing to ignore the fact that I introduced him to the Show Man Vs. Food while talking for 20 minutes about some episodes.
SIDE NOTE: The Burgers and Blues Food Challenge was attempted by Adam Richman and Food won.
ANOTHER SIDE NOTE: In the next few days I will sneaking my own picture up on the wall in full on Black Mamba attire doing my 'Mach 3 Hunter' pose despite not finishing my 4 oz cheese burger. #Tennisbromaneuver
Our waitress was a smoke show, too. Blue eyes, a country accent and an Ole Miss bias. That's something of a holy triumvirate. At the end of the meal when Dee said "Bring 2 checks, put the food and drinks on his and your number on mine." Her response was a blank ticket that said 601-come back again. To the viewer not from Mississippi, 601 is the area code that spans the entire central part of the state. So he got 3 out of the 10, not bad.
This waitress reminded me in many ways of Heather Watson, my favorite girl on the WTA Tour. I know I promised a list of 10 people I would go to Happy Hour with, but I imagine Heather would be the most fun out of the 10. She also tests at a 72% on the Stinging Nostril Scale.
SIDE NOTE: The stinging nostril scale is a very unscientific scale used to predict the likelihood something will be said or done that is so funny that one's drink is not swallowed but spit up due to dumb s%&* laughter. This often includes beverage coming out the nostrils creating a stinging sensation for the best part of 2 seconds. There is not equation for this test and I have noticed that my friends usually never spit up from something I do; too suave, but I always seem to allocate myself some stinging nostrils. There's something not right about me.
I have been doing my homework; through a handful of youtube vids, pretty much homework. This is what I imagine happy hour with Heather Watson would be like:
Ready. Set. BRO.
I am still coming down to earth from the sensation of my work as the badass biker in NE-YO's newest video. My new girlfriend Carly Rae Jepsen and I are at the after party of the MTV VMA's that NE-YO and I just hosted. Who do we spot? World Number 49 Heather Watson; ranking subject to change due to her coming into her own on court, and the fact that this may not be before tomorrow when new rankings come out.
Heather is in Jackson scoping out the Science Museum on Lakeland; such a rad time. We decide to grab a drink at Pelican Cove and celebrate our mutual successes; Carly allows it then tells me to call her maybe.
Now I imagine, solely based on Green Street Hooligans; epic guy cry film, Heather drinks dark beer at room temperature. She may drink wine, or lemon drops or something girly. For street cred sake, its a Guinness. Most of this conversation is done by yelling because the band wants to make sure you can hear them play across the 5 mile reservoir spillway.
The combined energy at the table would be enough to keep a small town lit for days. Heather is big on Trey Songz and playing backhand, to me its all about protecting the deuce court with my forehand and #NEYOmagic. We are clearly 2 kindred spirits that would make a raw recreational league doubles team.
Among other topics of discussion, why English folks haven't gotten on french fries yet, Robin Van Persie-Manchester Lady Killer and above all, the creative genius of Cher Lloyd. She talks to me about Carly Rae Jepsen's and my pending nuptuals and our plan to put an end to, or marginally disrupt, or still encourage, American jokes about Canada. Pretty enthralling stuff. This is the point in which Heather Watson's pro tennis player schedule makes it impossible to continue our epic happy hour. My beer is downed and all of a sudden I am feeling a little tipsy #classicBilly.
Our similar personalities at one table verify beyond a reasonable doubt that there is really nothing to do in Jackson other then write about being a party to #NEYOmagic. Something I will laugh in everyone not named Jay Z's face about when I'm wanted to be the bad guy in every hip hop music video ever. I will still be holding out for my opportunity to enter the Royal Rumble.
Starting now I begin to countdown to the men's Year End Championship and my trip to the exciting city of Milwaukee, Wisconsin where a good friend of mine is getting married... in November. My opinions on the YEC and its contenders will be scientific without using the scientific method.
Now if you'll excuse me, WWE Hell in a Cell is on Pay Per View.
Follow me on twitter @thetennisbro
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
Music Video Debut
How's it going bros?
My closest bros, and even some of best girl friends know I am a man of simple taste. I enjoy sports, both traditional and non-traditional. Rocking chairs and beers are the only true ways to watch a storm, and chess is the truest way to measure one's intelligence; sorry to all you s&*^ for brains that make 4.0's and can't tie your own shoes.
When I consider musicians, I stick to my guns; they're all more gifted than I am, so the least annoying to listen to is usually the way I pick favorites. I love folk music; bands like Carbon Leaf and Virginia Coalition were introduced to me by one of my best good friends, whose debt I will eternally be in for doing so. Folk music is often for the sake of the stories each song tells; like Taylor Swift, only some songs are about something other than hot girl falling for total meat cake and getting her heart broken.
My other favorite musician is NE-YO. My friend Elan was questioning my strange bias towards the man's music and this is how I explain it to you. When I was a junior in high school, NE-YO blew up with the song "So Sick". This song was about a bro who was struggling through a break up in which the lady in question clearly broke his heart. The beat was solid and lyrics were catchy. This bro was unlike anything else. In 2008, he released the album 'Year of the Gentleman'. I'm sure you've heard it, every song was kick ass. He does a song called "Champagne Life"; 'nuff said bros.
This isn't VH1 so I'll get to my point. My fanfare towards NE-YO is deep and diverse, but his overwhelming quality is something I call #NEYOmagic. The bro is so silky smooth and swaggerific, word's can not even describe it. To put it in tennis terms, he is something like Roger Federer's court movement mixed with Bjorn Borg, mixed with that feeling when you were a kid and went to the place with go-karts, mini golf, batting cages and an arcade for the first time.
#NEYOmagic is such a strong force that his video folks have literally used it as the ONLY premise in which they make his music videos by anymore. They typical NE-YO video goes something like this: Waves crashing by a beach, girl rejects NE-YO, bro does sick dance moves most of us can't to awesome beat, girl is smitten by #NEYOmagic. I'm serious, look it up.
Not that this is even the least bit boring to me, the satisfied and envious consumer, but I have a feeling his vids are a place I could make my music industry debut.
Now I know what you're thinking: Billy, you can not dance as well as NE-YO, you can't sing, and you look like an over-sized Jawa bred with a Kardsashian. Oh and Billy, you definitely don't have ANY #NEYOmagic.
Bros, I'm aware. And he could probably hit all return winners off of my serve. That's cool, I accept defeat at the hands of NE-YO. But we could at least change up the routine a little bit. Here is what I suggest:
Ready. Set. BRO.
The plot line involves a love triangle; isosceles preferably. There is a biker, a tennis player and Carly Rae Jepsen. I'm the biker, NE-YO is the tennis player and Carly Rae Jepsen is played by herself. Phillip Michael Thomas is NE-YO's coach and Don Johnson is my partner in crime #MiamiViceopenthedoor. Carly Rae Jepsen loves bad boys...
SIDENOTE: What works in NE-YO videos every time is that the girl is off put by NE-YO being a self-aware bad boy. It is after seductive lyrics and rad dance moves that they become powerless from the #NEYOmagic.
I take CRJ on the Harley; only american mofos. We cruise to sonic for cherry limeades and other super romantic dives. NE-YO shows her his deep court piercing backhand slice; every chick's weakness. The combination of adrenaline romance and extreme tennis bro maneuvers leaves Miss Jepsen's head spinning.
Naturally she gave both of us the option to call her maybe, we both refuse; too busy being badasses. Ultimately it comes down to 1-fall in the square circle. NE-YO goes full Novak BROkovic in the Expendables 2 using a tennis racquet and probably a steal chair to win by DQ. He doesn't care; neither would I, we both buy into the gangsta lifestyle.
Carly Rae obviously walks up to me in slow motion and hocks a major loog in my face, falling victim of some all caps #NEYOMAGIC. Come on, biker over tennis bro #delusional.
Here is the best part, Carly Rae and I really get married in real life and all of a sudden Americans stop making unprovoked jokes about Canada; yeah buddy. And then NE-YO and I co-host the MTV VMA's.
NE-YO, bro, I'll pitch this to your people real soon.
Next time, in the spirit of how much I like to make lists, I'll be counting down the top 10 athletes I would want to go to Happy Hour with.
Follow me on twitter @thetennisbro and use the hashtag #NEYOmagic to spread awareness of what could potentially be a great music video.
My closest bros, and even some of best girl friends know I am a man of simple taste. I enjoy sports, both traditional and non-traditional. Rocking chairs and beers are the only true ways to watch a storm, and chess is the truest way to measure one's intelligence; sorry to all you s&*^ for brains that make 4.0's and can't tie your own shoes.
When I consider musicians, I stick to my guns; they're all more gifted than I am, so the least annoying to listen to is usually the way I pick favorites. I love folk music; bands like Carbon Leaf and Virginia Coalition were introduced to me by one of my best good friends, whose debt I will eternally be in for doing so. Folk music is often for the sake of the stories each song tells; like Taylor Swift, only some songs are about something other than hot girl falling for total meat cake and getting her heart broken.
My other favorite musician is NE-YO. My friend Elan was questioning my strange bias towards the man's music and this is how I explain it to you. When I was a junior in high school, NE-YO blew up with the song "So Sick". This song was about a bro who was struggling through a break up in which the lady in question clearly broke his heart. The beat was solid and lyrics were catchy. This bro was unlike anything else. In 2008, he released the album 'Year of the Gentleman'. I'm sure you've heard it, every song was kick ass. He does a song called "Champagne Life"; 'nuff said bros.
This isn't VH1 so I'll get to my point. My fanfare towards NE-YO is deep and diverse, but his overwhelming quality is something I call #NEYOmagic. The bro is so silky smooth and swaggerific, word's can not even describe it. To put it in tennis terms, he is something like Roger Federer's court movement mixed with Bjorn Borg, mixed with that feeling when you were a kid and went to the place with go-karts, mini golf, batting cages and an arcade for the first time.
#NEYOmagic is such a strong force that his video folks have literally used it as the ONLY premise in which they make his music videos by anymore. They typical NE-YO video goes something like this: Waves crashing by a beach, girl rejects NE-YO, bro does sick dance moves most of us can't to awesome beat, girl is smitten by #NEYOmagic. I'm serious, look it up.
Not that this is even the least bit boring to me, the satisfied and envious consumer, but I have a feeling his vids are a place I could make my music industry debut.
Now I know what you're thinking: Billy, you can not dance as well as NE-YO, you can't sing, and you look like an over-sized Jawa bred with a Kardsashian. Oh and Billy, you definitely don't have ANY #NEYOmagic.
Bros, I'm aware. And he could probably hit all return winners off of my serve. That's cool, I accept defeat at the hands of NE-YO. But we could at least change up the routine a little bit. Here is what I suggest:
Ready. Set. BRO.
The plot line involves a love triangle; isosceles preferably. There is a biker, a tennis player and Carly Rae Jepsen. I'm the biker, NE-YO is the tennis player and Carly Rae Jepsen is played by herself. Phillip Michael Thomas is NE-YO's coach and Don Johnson is my partner in crime #MiamiViceopenthedoor. Carly Rae Jepsen loves bad boys...
SIDENOTE: What works in NE-YO videos every time is that the girl is off put by NE-YO being a self-aware bad boy. It is after seductive lyrics and rad dance moves that they become powerless from the #NEYOmagic.
I take CRJ on the Harley; only american mofos. We cruise to sonic for cherry limeades and other super romantic dives. NE-YO shows her his deep court piercing backhand slice; every chick's weakness. The combination of adrenaline romance and extreme tennis bro maneuvers leaves Miss Jepsen's head spinning.
Naturally she gave both of us the option to call her maybe, we both refuse; too busy being badasses. Ultimately it comes down to 1-fall in the square circle. NE-YO goes full Novak BROkovic in the Expendables 2 using a tennis racquet and probably a steal chair to win by DQ. He doesn't care; neither would I, we both buy into the gangsta lifestyle.
Carly Rae obviously walks up to me in slow motion and hocks a major loog in my face, falling victim of some all caps #NEYOMAGIC. Come on, biker over tennis bro #delusional.
Here is the best part, Carly Rae and I really get married in real life and all of a sudden Americans stop making unprovoked jokes about Canada; yeah buddy. And then NE-YO and I co-host the MTV VMA's.
NE-YO, bro, I'll pitch this to your people real soon.
Next time, in the spirit of how much I like to make lists, I'll be counting down the top 10 athletes I would want to go to Happy Hour with.
Follow me on twitter @thetennisbro and use the hashtag #NEYOmagic to spread awareness of what could potentially be a great music video.
If I Were a Country Club Bro
How's it going bros?
This last weekend I officiated a tournament at a very beautiful and well respected country club here in Jackson. The scenery was awesome in a very old south kind of way, the tennis was some of the best you'll see in the nation from juniors, and the people were some of the best I have ever met. When I say the people were some of the best I have ever met, I meant they were mostly all outwardly friendly due to the thin-stretching of my duties as well as my copious amounts of Ole Miss logos on my clothes.
Country clubs create something of a catch 22 in my mind. On the one hand, they are a place where the 1% go to post up at the bar and drink 11 dollar beers while contemplating exercise that day; 40 year old bro move. On the other hand, they are a hangout for the housewives of the rich and the famous. These ladies use such a social standing in order to use 1 word responses to everything and have the door held for them as if the world will end if you don't drop what you're doing to make sure her 300 dollar flip flops aren't scuffed; okay bad example.
Among the ultra kick ass observations I made of the male members of the club, the one head and shoulders rockin' tennis bro maneuver every single one of them shared in common was a tennis shag. The same tennis shag, in fact, that their 9 year old sons playing in the tournament had. This is so kick ass for so many reasons, but first and foremost, it meant they make the kind money to wear that hairdo in a professional setting and not have any sort of consequences for doing so.
If I were a country club bro, my first maneuver would be to grow out the country club ass hole hair. I will grant you 3 distinct and separate examples of the country club ass hole hair.
1. The Patrick Bateman- Simple Wall Street Power Slick
2. The Larry Stefanki- The ultimate tennis bro look
3. The Johnny Mac- Just google him in the 1980 Wimby Final.
After growing out my hair I would do the following things to be the raddest country club bro I could be if I were 23 and living large.
Ready. Set. BRO.
-Make friends with the help; Extra Chicken tenders every meal, BYAH!
-Order the most expensive drink on the menu and put it on a fellow bro's member number; Thanks bro.
-Hit on the girl that works the desk in the clubhouse; they like that right?
-Not play golf ever. EVER.
-Double park on general principle; if you don't like it, move it.
-Ask every lady I meet at the club a thousand questions; law of averages, the more questions you ask the higher probability of getting a friendly, socially acceptable answer
-Schedule my tennis games during ladies league hours; what the hell am I paying dues for if not to play tennis, bro?
-Rent the place out for the biggest party of the year during Wrestlemania. You didn't think I was going to say for the Super Bowl did you?
-Talk about my various investments; fantasy football, basketball and baseball dues.
-Wear white shoes every time; Love a good pair of pale wing tips
-Cannonball in the pool
-Walk around the locker room without a towl; not a locker room guy? Too bad I pay my dues bro.
-Not play golf ever; I think I already mentioned that.
-Offer an arm wrestling match for 1st serve when playing with seniors.
-Call all kids who dress the same as their parents and have matching hairstyles "clones"; Hall pass reference, that film sucked but that was pretty funny.
That's about it. Maybe when I'm 25 I'll have the the type of dollars to do some of those things. But until then, I can only imagine.
Next time I'll tell you about my music video writing debut.
Follow me on twitter @thetennisbro
This last weekend I officiated a tournament at a very beautiful and well respected country club here in Jackson. The scenery was awesome in a very old south kind of way, the tennis was some of the best you'll see in the nation from juniors, and the people were some of the best I have ever met. When I say the people were some of the best I have ever met, I meant they were mostly all outwardly friendly due to the thin-stretching of my duties as well as my copious amounts of Ole Miss logos on my clothes.
Country clubs create something of a catch 22 in my mind. On the one hand, they are a place where the 1% go to post up at the bar and drink 11 dollar beers while contemplating exercise that day; 40 year old bro move. On the other hand, they are a hangout for the housewives of the rich and the famous. These ladies use such a social standing in order to use 1 word responses to everything and have the door held for them as if the world will end if you don't drop what you're doing to make sure her 300 dollar flip flops aren't scuffed; okay bad example.
Among the ultra kick ass observations I made of the male members of the club, the one head and shoulders rockin' tennis bro maneuver every single one of them shared in common was a tennis shag. The same tennis shag, in fact, that their 9 year old sons playing in the tournament had. This is so kick ass for so many reasons, but first and foremost, it meant they make the kind money to wear that hairdo in a professional setting and not have any sort of consequences for doing so.
If I were a country club bro, my first maneuver would be to grow out the country club ass hole hair. I will grant you 3 distinct and separate examples of the country club ass hole hair.
1. The Patrick Bateman- Simple Wall Street Power Slick
2. The Larry Stefanki- The ultimate tennis bro look
3. The Johnny Mac- Just google him in the 1980 Wimby Final.
After growing out my hair I would do the following things to be the raddest country club bro I could be if I were 23 and living large.
Ready. Set. BRO.
-Make friends with the help; Extra Chicken tenders every meal, BYAH!
-Order the most expensive drink on the menu and put it on a fellow bro's member number; Thanks bro.
-Hit on the girl that works the desk in the clubhouse; they like that right?
-Not play golf ever. EVER.
-Double park on general principle; if you don't like it, move it.
-Ask every lady I meet at the club a thousand questions; law of averages, the more questions you ask the higher probability of getting a friendly, socially acceptable answer
-Schedule my tennis games during ladies league hours; what the hell am I paying dues for if not to play tennis, bro?
-Rent the place out for the biggest party of the year during Wrestlemania. You didn't think I was going to say for the Super Bowl did you?
-Talk about my various investments; fantasy football, basketball and baseball dues.
-Wear white shoes every time; Love a good pair of pale wing tips
-Cannonball in the pool
-Walk around the locker room without a towl; not a locker room guy? Too bad I pay my dues bro.
-Not play golf ever; I think I already mentioned that.
-Offer an arm wrestling match for 1st serve when playing with seniors.
-Call all kids who dress the same as their parents and have matching hairstyles "clones"; Hall pass reference, that film sucked but that was pretty funny.
That's about it. Maybe when I'm 25 I'll have the the type of dollars to do some of those things. But until then, I can only imagine.
Next time I'll tell you about my music video writing debut.
Follow me on twitter @thetennisbro
Monday, October 22, 2012
Novak Dojokovic, The Randy Orton of Professional Tennis
How's it going bros?
In my many years a fan of professional wrestling, which has spanned the better part of almost 2 decades and with such great organizations as the late WCW and the WWF, prior to becoming WWE. As a kid, I pulled for the likes of Rey Mysteio Jr, The 'Texas Rattle Snake' Stone Cold Steve Austin, and Brett 'The Hitman' Hart.
I liked all of these bookers for 3 reasons that are distinct and different from one another. Brett Hart's sharpshooter was such a beautifully technical and lethal move, it was such a bridge between Ric Flair's classical Figure 4 leg lock and Sting's Scorpion Death lock; which after watching him descend from the rafters in full black and white face paint reminded me of a... wait for it... KISS concert. Stone Cold was a beer drinking, ass kicking 'neck from the south of Texas; some very familiar turf during my early years of watching WWF while living in Laredo. Rey Mysterio was a high-flying luchador with wrestling pageantry coursing through generations of his blood. The man of mystery was also small , fast and masked up; just like the #blackmamba.
The older I grew, the names began to fade out. Hart and Austin sought limited duty due to health and family complications. Rey Mysterio still fights, and his style is unchanged, but I fear moves stable is far superior to his, as is my speed. The man may be ripe for a venom strike.
Since the retirement of Edge last year, my favorites in the game are Sin Cara (That means without face in spanish) and Randy 'The Viper' Orton. Sin Cara, or Mystico, to my Mexican readers, is still new on the scene and I expect great things when Raw drafts him in the next lottery and gets him on a night that people actually watch tv. Randy Orton however, is one of the biggest bros in the history of the sport. Let me share with you a few of his acBROlades:
-He's from Knoxville, TN (where I spent what I like to call the Peyton Manning Years of Elementary school)
-His dad and Grandpa were pro wrestlers, dad named "Cowboy Bob"
-He was discharged from the marines for being too aggressive; can't be easy
-Nickames include 'The Viper', 'The Legend Killer' and 'WWE's Apex Predator'
-2009 Royal Rumble Champion
-Hit on Holk Hogan's daughter during their reality show
The list goes on.
I like The Viper because he has franchise booker type of size, he is shockingly quick on his feet for being such a size, and he is from Tennessee, which never hurt anyone. His nicknames are also not too bad. I still think I could shrink him to my size and knock him on his back with the spear before going to rope on his ass. #Blackmamba
Novak Djokovic is eerily similar in the tennis world to Randy Orton. He doesn't have 6 WWE Titles to his name, but he does have 5 major championships and won 42 straight matches in 2011. These 2 are both so iconic in their sports and are so consistent. To say Orton isn't going to be one of the last 4 standing at the end of the Royal Rumble every year is like saying Novak Djokovic won't make the final of ANY tournament he plays.
Let's talk for a second about how Djokovic, tennis's Apex predator, stalks his prey over the course of a point. Hits a really good serve, contorts his body in ridiculous shapes to hit a sliding forehand, creates insane angles across the court, then finishes his battle weary opponent with a backhand. His backhand is the greatest of all time in this game. Just like the RKO is the greatest finishing move in the history of wrestling. My blinding speed can probably kill a man when I go shoulder first to hit the spear, but when you watch the RKO, it not only looks awesome, but you can really see faces breaking when they hit the mat.
One of the great story lines in wrestling was Randy Orton at the age of 26 going around beating up the legends of the sport. One of the great laughable moments was Novak Djokovic going 100 percent bro on Johnny Mac and calling him out to hit with him after winning his '09 US Open quarter final match. #Legendkiller.
These 2 hold another special distinction in the sports world. They made my Top 10 people in sports I'd like to go to happy hour with.
I promised I was going to make funny happen, this probably fails at that. I've failed at that before. But I hope you the reader learned something about 2 glorious athletes. They probably both could beat me at tennis, but I'd go 1-fall against either any day #tooinsane.
Next time I'll be discussing what I would do if I were a country club bro.
Follow me on twitter @thetennisbro
In my many years a fan of professional wrestling, which has spanned the better part of almost 2 decades and with such great organizations as the late WCW and the WWF, prior to becoming WWE. As a kid, I pulled for the likes of Rey Mysteio Jr, The 'Texas Rattle Snake' Stone Cold Steve Austin, and Brett 'The Hitman' Hart.
I liked all of these bookers for 3 reasons that are distinct and different from one another. Brett Hart's sharpshooter was such a beautifully technical and lethal move, it was such a bridge between Ric Flair's classical Figure 4 leg lock and Sting's Scorpion Death lock; which after watching him descend from the rafters in full black and white face paint reminded me of a... wait for it... KISS concert. Stone Cold was a beer drinking, ass kicking 'neck from the south of Texas; some very familiar turf during my early years of watching WWF while living in Laredo. Rey Mysterio was a high-flying luchador with wrestling pageantry coursing through generations of his blood. The man of mystery was also small , fast and masked up; just like the #blackmamba.
The older I grew, the names began to fade out. Hart and Austin sought limited duty due to health and family complications. Rey Mysterio still fights, and his style is unchanged, but I fear moves stable is far superior to his, as is my speed. The man may be ripe for a venom strike.
Since the retirement of Edge last year, my favorites in the game are Sin Cara (That means without face in spanish) and Randy 'The Viper' Orton. Sin Cara, or Mystico, to my Mexican readers, is still new on the scene and I expect great things when Raw drafts him in the next lottery and gets him on a night that people actually watch tv. Randy Orton however, is one of the biggest bros in the history of the sport. Let me share with you a few of his acBROlades:
-He's from Knoxville, TN (where I spent what I like to call the Peyton Manning Years of Elementary school)
-His dad and Grandpa were pro wrestlers, dad named "Cowboy Bob"
-He was discharged from the marines for being too aggressive; can't be easy
-Nickames include 'The Viper', 'The Legend Killer' and 'WWE's Apex Predator'
-2009 Royal Rumble Champion
-Hit on Holk Hogan's daughter during their reality show
The list goes on.
I like The Viper because he has franchise booker type of size, he is shockingly quick on his feet for being such a size, and he is from Tennessee, which never hurt anyone. His nicknames are also not too bad. I still think I could shrink him to my size and knock him on his back with the spear before going to rope on his ass. #Blackmamba
Novak Djokovic is eerily similar in the tennis world to Randy Orton. He doesn't have 6 WWE Titles to his name, but he does have 5 major championships and won 42 straight matches in 2011. These 2 are both so iconic in their sports and are so consistent. To say Orton isn't going to be one of the last 4 standing at the end of the Royal Rumble every year is like saying Novak Djokovic won't make the final of ANY tournament he plays.
Let's talk for a second about how Djokovic, tennis's Apex predator, stalks his prey over the course of a point. Hits a really good serve, contorts his body in ridiculous shapes to hit a sliding forehand, creates insane angles across the court, then finishes his battle weary opponent with a backhand. His backhand is the greatest of all time in this game. Just like the RKO is the greatest finishing move in the history of wrestling. My blinding speed can probably kill a man when I go shoulder first to hit the spear, but when you watch the RKO, it not only looks awesome, but you can really see faces breaking when they hit the mat.
One of the great story lines in wrestling was Randy Orton at the age of 26 going around beating up the legends of the sport. One of the great laughable moments was Novak Djokovic going 100 percent bro on Johnny Mac and calling him out to hit with him after winning his '09 US Open quarter final match. #Legendkiller.
These 2 hold another special distinction in the sports world. They made my Top 10 people in sports I'd like to go to happy hour with.
I promised I was going to make funny happen, this probably fails at that. I've failed at that before. But I hope you the reader learned something about 2 glorious athletes. They probably both could beat me at tennis, but I'd go 1-fall against either any day #tooinsane.
Next time I'll be discussing what I would do if I were a country club bro.
Follow me on twitter @thetennisbro
Friday, October 19, 2012
The BROtotype
How's it going bros?
It has come to my attention from a certain member of my inner circle, that shall remain anonymous for the time being, that my knowledge of tennis getting shadowed by overuse of words like bro, rad and rampage. Well too bad for that person, because that is how I talk.
He or she did bring up a good point, however, that I have done a pretty extensive amount of research on the ATP World Tour by being a fan. I have come to respect the things the pros do that I am incapable of doing. I do not believe any of them could deliver death from above, top turnbuckle-style, like I can, but they really can do some pretty athletic stuff on the tennis court.
Growing up I was all about the wrestling, but played some casual traveling baseball on the side. In baseball there are 5 tools by which a player's makeup is judged. The are as follows: can run, can field, can throw, can hit for power and can hit for average. Those of you who don't know seeing-eye-single from duck on the pond have probably seen Brad Pitt go OG in the movie Moneyball and have heard a bit of these tools.
Being that I am something of a fan of making lists, I made my own tools for how I judge a tennis players performance. They are as follows: Can rip a forehand, can rip a backhand, can serve with power, can serve with kick, volley, court coverage, racquet smash and significant other. These 8 tools make up the BROtotype on the ATP World Tour and I'm about to create the ultimate player.
Forehand: You would like me to say Roger Federer on this one, but I won't. Jack Sock is a rising American and my newest man crush on court. He learned how to hit a good forehand by having a double stacked and blacked out net on court when he was 15; trust me I know his old coach. He's big dude who can sit on the baseline and pound it just as well as anyone else out there. He had a great run at US Open that was due in large part to his opponents being too courteous to his forehand. This kid can move it around; when he gets on my level cardiovascularly-speaking, he will be in for super stardom. Cardiovascularly is absolutely a made up word; turns out.
Backhand: Novak Djokovic hits not only the best 2-handed backhand of all-time, but probably the best backhand of any generation ever. The angles this guy can create cross court and up the line could break a protractor. For a player to have a backhand that is 2/3 as strong as their forehand is pretty good. For a player to have a soft forehand and a strong backhand isn't unheard of; baseball players, for example. If a guy has a world-class forehand AND a backhand that he can hit winners all over the court with, that's Hall of Fame, never to be forgotten type stuff.
Power Serve: On the basis of consistency, Milos Raonic from Canada hits harder than anyone. Groth from Australia is a pounder too. However, the land speed record belongs to Ivo Karlovic at 156 MPH. Karlovic and Tommy Haas have rooms next to one another in assisted living, but Ivo is legit as hell for being 237082507374 years old in 2011 when he hit that hard. His motion is very uncomplicated; making things easy is smart. He also isn't afraid to volley; my kind of guy.
Kick Serve: John Isner's kicker bouncing over dudes heads is all that needs to be said. Averages 7 and half feet of kick on a hard court. He is 6 feet and 10 inches of pure American badassness.
Volley: Most probably won't agree with me, but Mardy Fish's net play is a large part of the reason for his turn around. Ok losing 30 pounds and being committed to practice 10 years after becoming a professional probably had a great deal to do with it too. Mardy Fish still frequently serves and volleys and his soft hands teamed with his well-placed serves get him to the turn a lot quicker than a lot of baseline grounders do.
Court Coverage: If you ask me, Roger Federer is the greatest athlete to ever lace 'em up in any sport. Have you ever seen this guy run around the court? He is honestly like watching the Blue Angels fly in perfect formation. People call his movement "Feathery" which, if you're not with it, means he's light on his feet and probably doesn't destroy shoes after a month like some tennis bros typing this, currently. More impressive than how light on his feet he is, Fed can run down anything hit anywhere on court. Folk lore says one time 63 tennis balls were hit across the court at once and he snagged 62 before their second bounce. No one truly knows what happened to the other one. Smell what I'm stepping in?
Racquet Smash: Most people immediately flip to Fernando Gonzalez. Don't get me wrong, it was always a treat and somewhat enlightening on how to make anger look super badass. But if you're a tennis fan and haven't passed the crown to Marcos Baghdatis after his rampage in Australia, you're either the president of the Fernando Fan Club in your hometown or illiterate in the language of awesome. For those of you who aren't familiar, Marcos Baghdatis smashed 4 tennis racquets in a period of 22 seconds at the Aussie Open after being jobbed on a call. 22 seconds! It was like a KISS concert without the music. Such an awesome tirade. He's only 27 too, so more genius may still be to come.
Significant Other: This one is a little tougher. Given how subjective this list has been, I guess this is all in the eye of the beholder. Andy Roddick is ineligible due to retirement and I refuse to list Djokovic twice. Bernard Tomic was dating a full on 10 during the Australian Open, which I believe has since ceased. Rafael Nadal and Andy Murray both date babes from their hometowns; a pretty cool bro thing to do. Case and point with this tool, tennis needs an old school badass that has different girls in his box at every match; maybe even smokes Marlboro reds and drinks tequila. Picture Johnny Mac mixed with Frank the Tank.
There you have it, I hope you've learned something. Next time I will be discussing the Tennis Bro Channel on XM radio.
follow me on twitter @thetennisbro
It has come to my attention from a certain member of my inner circle, that shall remain anonymous for the time being, that my knowledge of tennis getting shadowed by overuse of words like bro, rad and rampage. Well too bad for that person, because that is how I talk.
He or she did bring up a good point, however, that I have done a pretty extensive amount of research on the ATP World Tour by being a fan. I have come to respect the things the pros do that I am incapable of doing. I do not believe any of them could deliver death from above, top turnbuckle-style, like I can, but they really can do some pretty athletic stuff on the tennis court.
Growing up I was all about the wrestling, but played some casual traveling baseball on the side. In baseball there are 5 tools by which a player's makeup is judged. The are as follows: can run, can field, can throw, can hit for power and can hit for average. Those of you who don't know seeing-eye-single from duck on the pond have probably seen Brad Pitt go OG in the movie Moneyball and have heard a bit of these tools.
Being that I am something of a fan of making lists, I made my own tools for how I judge a tennis players performance. They are as follows: Can rip a forehand, can rip a backhand, can serve with power, can serve with kick, volley, court coverage, racquet smash and significant other. These 8 tools make up the BROtotype on the ATP World Tour and I'm about to create the ultimate player.
Forehand: You would like me to say Roger Federer on this one, but I won't. Jack Sock is a rising American and my newest man crush on court. He learned how to hit a good forehand by having a double stacked and blacked out net on court when he was 15; trust me I know his old coach. He's big dude who can sit on the baseline and pound it just as well as anyone else out there. He had a great run at US Open that was due in large part to his opponents being too courteous to his forehand. This kid can move it around; when he gets on my level cardiovascularly-speaking, he will be in for super stardom. Cardiovascularly is absolutely a made up word; turns out.
Backhand: Novak Djokovic hits not only the best 2-handed backhand of all-time, but probably the best backhand of any generation ever. The angles this guy can create cross court and up the line could break a protractor. For a player to have a backhand that is 2/3 as strong as their forehand is pretty good. For a player to have a soft forehand and a strong backhand isn't unheard of; baseball players, for example. If a guy has a world-class forehand AND a backhand that he can hit winners all over the court with, that's Hall of Fame, never to be forgotten type stuff.
Power Serve: On the basis of consistency, Milos Raonic from Canada hits harder than anyone. Groth from Australia is a pounder too. However, the land speed record belongs to Ivo Karlovic at 156 MPH. Karlovic and Tommy Haas have rooms next to one another in assisted living, but Ivo is legit as hell for being 237082507374 years old in 2011 when he hit that hard. His motion is very uncomplicated; making things easy is smart. He also isn't afraid to volley; my kind of guy.
Kick Serve: John Isner's kicker bouncing over dudes heads is all that needs to be said. Averages 7 and half feet of kick on a hard court. He is 6 feet and 10 inches of pure American badassness.
Volley: Most probably won't agree with me, but Mardy Fish's net play is a large part of the reason for his turn around. Ok losing 30 pounds and being committed to practice 10 years after becoming a professional probably had a great deal to do with it too. Mardy Fish still frequently serves and volleys and his soft hands teamed with his well-placed serves get him to the turn a lot quicker than a lot of baseline grounders do.
Court Coverage: If you ask me, Roger Federer is the greatest athlete to ever lace 'em up in any sport. Have you ever seen this guy run around the court? He is honestly like watching the Blue Angels fly in perfect formation. People call his movement "Feathery" which, if you're not with it, means he's light on his feet and probably doesn't destroy shoes after a month like some tennis bros typing this, currently. More impressive than how light on his feet he is, Fed can run down anything hit anywhere on court. Folk lore says one time 63 tennis balls were hit across the court at once and he snagged 62 before their second bounce. No one truly knows what happened to the other one. Smell what I'm stepping in?
Racquet Smash: Most people immediately flip to Fernando Gonzalez. Don't get me wrong, it was always a treat and somewhat enlightening on how to make anger look super badass. But if you're a tennis fan and haven't passed the crown to Marcos Baghdatis after his rampage in Australia, you're either the president of the Fernando Fan Club in your hometown or illiterate in the language of awesome. For those of you who aren't familiar, Marcos Baghdatis smashed 4 tennis racquets in a period of 22 seconds at the Aussie Open after being jobbed on a call. 22 seconds! It was like a KISS concert without the music. Such an awesome tirade. He's only 27 too, so more genius may still be to come.
Significant Other: This one is a little tougher. Given how subjective this list has been, I guess this is all in the eye of the beholder. Andy Roddick is ineligible due to retirement and I refuse to list Djokovic twice. Bernard Tomic was dating a full on 10 during the Australian Open, which I believe has since ceased. Rafael Nadal and Andy Murray both date babes from their hometowns; a pretty cool bro thing to do. Case and point with this tool, tennis needs an old school badass that has different girls in his box at every match; maybe even smokes Marlboro reds and drinks tequila. Picture Johnny Mac mixed with Frank the Tank.
There you have it, I hope you've learned something. Next time I will be discussing the Tennis Bro Channel on XM radio.
follow me on twitter @thetennisbro
Thursday, October 18, 2012
The Almost Famous Litmus Test
How's it going bros?
If there is one thing about living in Jackson, MS that really chaps my behind, it is the distinct lack of people to play doubles with. I mean it, I can not ever find a steady partner. This should be hard to believe given the vast number of tennis bros in the city, but I can not seem to find them.
Doubles is really hit or miss. One must have the right partner. My buddy Dee and I have played several matches with one another and done pretty well. Dee is solid player with a big first serve and power forehand he can control down the lines about on command. For all intents and purposes, we out-talent most everyone we beat; he out talents them, I just fly around the court and try to hit the ball in. That is all good and grand, but, he and I really are not compatible partners. I am high octane, I tell jokes, and I am all about us taking our opponents ground strokes away by building an in-penetrable wall around the net with quick hands and short volleys. Dee will play standard one up, one back and is, at times, a space cadet. He's going to hit me when he reads this so I'm throwing this out there, he's like the little leaguer that picks flowers in the outfield.
I am all about playing with Dee because he's a pretty rad bro. He is also my go-to guy to pound brews with and is single, ladies. His schedule is also crazy while completing his course load for a Masters in Biology; nerd. Besides the fact that I need someone to play more tennis with, this person has to accommodate the tennis bro's keys to success in doubles for a lacking stroker. They are the following:
1. Laughs at every one of my jokes; and they're all hilarious
2. high fives after every point; I also accept chest bumps
3. can create a 135 degree angle to the allies on an inside out forehand and a 45 degree ball flight on a hook stroke.
4. Believes in playing at the net
5. Brings the beer
That would be nirvana for me. It isn't fair that the Bryan Bros are the same person born twice, righty and lefty and possess a lot of skill. Doubles glory, and great hair, was granted to them by the deities on the sports Mount Olympus.
For the rest of us, there needs to be an easier way to sift through the dozens of failed doubles partnerships and find the perfect fit. I have something similar to it in my dating scheme, I call it the Almost Famous Litmus Test.
My dating strategy, or at least my first few dates, is pretty on point at this stage in the game. Like any great tennis bro, I have had to evolve with the age in order to succeed. It isn't wise for a dude to show his hand, but I figure some of you that are reading this have probably gone through the routine anyways.
First you meet the girl; usually in college it was in class or through a friend. Now a days I aim for pumpkin patches and the public library to meet respectable ladies. Next step you take them out for a few drinks to get to know them better; this elicits looser conversation and takes the pressure of having a timed situation like a sit-down dinner off. Then you hang out with them socially. The 4th installment is what I like to call the Almost Famous Litmus Test, this is the crucial piece of the puzzle, and I will explain it here.
Ready. Set. BRO.
Those that know me well, know that Almost Famous is my favorite Almost Love Story of all time. The film depicts a 15 year old journalist following around a rising band called Stillwater. This sheltered 15 year old is exposed to the rock star lifestyle for the first time in his life, and handles himself pretty well I think. This is probably the most quotable movie of all time, if not American Psycho. I fancy myself as Russell Hammond, the guitar player with flare; though some I know would try to pin me as Lester Bangs or the silent drummer in the band. trust me, I'm Russell Hammond.
This movie is a masterpiece and it is important any girl I am going to date be a fan of this movie. Liking this movie demonstrates an appreciation for American Music History, ability to decipher fine work and enjoyment of a smart comedy. I rate compatibility with how many times random and unwarranted conversation surfaces during the film, how often texting happens and if questions are asked; thats a perk actually. I try not to be the dude that speaks loudly and negatively during chick flicks, I like the same courtesy being extended during Almost Famous. I do not have a Miami Vice scale for this, though I should.
If there was such an easy and available system for weeding out bad doubles partners, I would be all about it. But I don't have one in place, its more of a desperation card I play. If you personally have a good scale of determinants please email it to me at realtennisbro@gmail.com.
Follow me on twitter @thetennisbro
Next time I will be talking about Brozilla the man child composed of all the best traits of the bros on the ATP World Tour.
If there is one thing about living in Jackson, MS that really chaps my behind, it is the distinct lack of people to play doubles with. I mean it, I can not ever find a steady partner. This should be hard to believe given the vast number of tennis bros in the city, but I can not seem to find them.
Doubles is really hit or miss. One must have the right partner. My buddy Dee and I have played several matches with one another and done pretty well. Dee is solid player with a big first serve and power forehand he can control down the lines about on command. For all intents and purposes, we out-talent most everyone we beat; he out talents them, I just fly around the court and try to hit the ball in. That is all good and grand, but, he and I really are not compatible partners. I am high octane, I tell jokes, and I am all about us taking our opponents ground strokes away by building an in-penetrable wall around the net with quick hands and short volleys. Dee will play standard one up, one back and is, at times, a space cadet. He's going to hit me when he reads this so I'm throwing this out there, he's like the little leaguer that picks flowers in the outfield.
I am all about playing with Dee because he's a pretty rad bro. He is also my go-to guy to pound brews with and is single, ladies. His schedule is also crazy while completing his course load for a Masters in Biology; nerd. Besides the fact that I need someone to play more tennis with, this person has to accommodate the tennis bro's keys to success in doubles for a lacking stroker. They are the following:
1. Laughs at every one of my jokes; and they're all hilarious
2. high fives after every point; I also accept chest bumps
3. can create a 135 degree angle to the allies on an inside out forehand and a 45 degree ball flight on a hook stroke.
4. Believes in playing at the net
5. Brings the beer
That would be nirvana for me. It isn't fair that the Bryan Bros are the same person born twice, righty and lefty and possess a lot of skill. Doubles glory, and great hair, was granted to them by the deities on the sports Mount Olympus.
For the rest of us, there needs to be an easier way to sift through the dozens of failed doubles partnerships and find the perfect fit. I have something similar to it in my dating scheme, I call it the Almost Famous Litmus Test.
My dating strategy, or at least my first few dates, is pretty on point at this stage in the game. Like any great tennis bro, I have had to evolve with the age in order to succeed. It isn't wise for a dude to show his hand, but I figure some of you that are reading this have probably gone through the routine anyways.
First you meet the girl; usually in college it was in class or through a friend. Now a days I aim for pumpkin patches and the public library to meet respectable ladies. Next step you take them out for a few drinks to get to know them better; this elicits looser conversation and takes the pressure of having a timed situation like a sit-down dinner off. Then you hang out with them socially. The 4th installment is what I like to call the Almost Famous Litmus Test, this is the crucial piece of the puzzle, and I will explain it here.
Ready. Set. BRO.
Those that know me well, know that Almost Famous is my favorite Almost Love Story of all time. The film depicts a 15 year old journalist following around a rising band called Stillwater. This sheltered 15 year old is exposed to the rock star lifestyle for the first time in his life, and handles himself pretty well I think. This is probably the most quotable movie of all time, if not American Psycho. I fancy myself as Russell Hammond, the guitar player with flare; though some I know would try to pin me as Lester Bangs or the silent drummer in the band. trust me, I'm Russell Hammond.
This movie is a masterpiece and it is important any girl I am going to date be a fan of this movie. Liking this movie demonstrates an appreciation for American Music History, ability to decipher fine work and enjoyment of a smart comedy. I rate compatibility with how many times random and unwarranted conversation surfaces during the film, how often texting happens and if questions are asked; thats a perk actually. I try not to be the dude that speaks loudly and negatively during chick flicks, I like the same courtesy being extended during Almost Famous. I do not have a Miami Vice scale for this, though I should.
If there was such an easy and available system for weeding out bad doubles partners, I would be all about it. But I don't have one in place, its more of a desperation card I play. If you personally have a good scale of determinants please email it to me at realtennisbro@gmail.com.
Follow me on twitter @thetennisbro
Next time I will be talking about Brozilla the man child composed of all the best traits of the bros on the ATP World Tour.
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
Year-To-Date Rad Rankings
Hows it going bros?
Over 100 views in my 1st 2 hours, anyone see super stardom in my future? Me either.
When I was giving a glance into the on-broings inside my head, I withheld a very important character trait. I rampage a lot of television. Hell, my older brother even works in television and his stock is on the rise major in ole Hollywood. Not because of his work, but because he and I announced our plan to make a late push for the presidency, despite being more than 10 years too young, on average, for such a position. You can follow him on twitter @2finestein to see our platform.
My favorite television show of all time is Miami Vice. Don't think for 1 second my tortoise skin wayfarers are unintentional, they are a full-on Sonny Crockett rip off. Miami Vice was a show about the Vice Unit of Dade County Police. They were outrageously chillin' in expensive get up, pushing Ferraris and busting up drug dealers. Crockett and Tubbs were so money and they definitely had an idea of it; Swingers reference. The show colors were even a neon 80's version of Wimby colors. Seems like there should be a reason I add this right? Well there is. Whenever I judge a tennis player's radness, I always compare him or her to Miami Vice, and whether watch the player would be more fun or less fun to watch play then a standard episode of Miami Vice; like Smuggler's Blues. The Rad Rankings are Born. A player's ranking is somewhere between 1 and Miami Vice. 1 being worthless, and Miami Vice being the raddest dude on court.
One particular player on the list, Roger Federer, did 2 particularly rad things recently. He won Wimbledon for the 7th time in July against a surging hometown player, Andy Murray, and a hostile crowd. He also put the shirt he wore in the match up for auction yesterday for a charity other than his already fat wallet; being rich is super rad, giving to those less fortunate, Rico Tubbs rad.
Inspired, I decided to do the same. I wanted to put my socks I wore yesterday while coaching tennis up for auction, too. One man's sweaty socks are another man's treasure, that he pays top dollar for in order to support charity right? Wrong! No one placed a bid; I started at 500 euros, cheap busters. You can still do so, bidding will commence at 900,000 Monopoly Dollars or $17.00 American. The charity I started for it is the Billy Stein ~ Tennis Bro Foundation for Normal Sized Folks who Will Shrink to Jawa From Star Wars Size by 40. You can start your bidding now on Twitter @thetennisbro.
My hat is off to Fed for being such a bro of the 1st degree in giving sweaty shirts to the less fortunate. In the spirit of giving, I will now give you the list of the 10 raddest players on the ATP World Tour.
Ready. Set. BRO.
10. Roger Federer- Yeah yeah, Fed outdoes me in philanthropy and has won 17 Majors and almost 80 titles and is the biggest icon this sport has ever seen. We get it. He's a little more domesticated then I see myself at 30, personally. I mean the wife and twins daughters that are girls thing; better you than me bro. Your accomplishments are so rad though and I would choose you over about every episode of Vice apart from 'Glades'; greatest hour of television of all time. Keep broing, bro.
9. Juan Martin Del BROtro- This bro almost reminds me of Duke basketball. By that I mean his last title was my junior year of college and I always pick him to make a run and get disappointed. Too much. It is so rad that his 1 major was the US Open in 2009 over Mr. Federer. DelBRO is my age but looks like he's about 45; that isn't meant to be a stab, I hate getting carded, which always happens. Given his youth, he is still poised to be a contender for the time being. His nickname, the Tower of Tandil, so rad. His rating, a 7; always depends on his opponent before I plug up the Vice Deevs.
8. Devin Britton- Part of me wanted to put Rafa Nadal on this list, but I feel like he will be perfectly content with chillin' with his boys; by that I mean trophies and he has 11 of them from Majors. You may not have heard of this guy yet unless you're from Mississippi; don't worry, you will. He has won 10 doubles titles this year on the Futures circuit, most of which with the same partner; Tennis bro maneuver, big time. He was a year younger than me at Ole Miss where he won the national championship as a freshman and was up a break over Fed the same year at the US Open. He is also from Jackson, where I currently live, and rages burritos on the reg. I can't think of a radder dude without serious hardware yet. He definitely scores a perfect Miami Vice ranking.
7. Lukas Rosol- I literally don't know anything about this guy; and it would be very uncharacteristic of me to do research, so I won't. I know Rafa was hurt when Rosol won that 2nd round match at Wimbledon, but still such a rage thing to do. He won that match by hitting every ball as hard as he possibly could. He was like that little leaguer that swings as hard as he can every at bat and strikes out until that one bottom of the 9th (or 6th because its little league) at bat where he hits the game winning homework. Take a bow bro.
6. Andy Murray- Andy Murray doesn't really need 1 more person saluting his epic summer, which is why he fell to 6. He has really upped his level of play since adding the Terminator as his coach; by terminator, I mean Ivan Lendl never smiles. He made crying look like the coolest thing a guy could do when he lost the wimbledon final. He followed it up by taking gold at the Olympics and winning the US Open is epic fashion. He also has a super hot girlfriend and is a UFC fan. This guy is so rad.
5. Tommy Haas- Didn't he retire like 8 years ago? No, bro. At age 286 he's re-established himself a sub-top 20 player. Such a killer tennis bro maneuver.
4. Jack Sock. My new favorite player on tour. Big physical style of play. He rages Chipotle every day, and I mean every day. He also gets easily distracted during interviews, demonstrating how unimportant the press is to him. He and his older brother, Eric, also dress like they own a yacht club. Jack Sock at the very least is on the level of Ricky 'Wild Thang' Vaughn right now. He may be the heir to Sonny Crockett status some day.
3. Alexandr BROgopolov- His style of play is a deliberate middle finger the conventional tennis establishment; power move. He doesn't even spell Alexander correctly; power move(s). There are videos on youtube of him getting rampaged drunk while acting as the red carpet reporter and asking stupid questions. Stupid, but smart. His coach, Jack Reader, even has the same flowing locks he does. These 2 are Crockett and Tubbs big time, only I feel like their definitions of busting doobies are very different.
2. Novak BROkovic- The Tennis equivalent of Randy 'the Viper' Orton. The modern personification of consistency in the game. His backhand is as damaging on court as the RKO is in the squared circle. After you google what the RKO is because you don't watch wrestling, amateurs, google Jelena Ristic. His girlfriend, in my opinion, is the 2012 Helen of Troy. The Djoker is super rad and only 25, should have lots more left in the tank.
1. John Isner- Ok, this guy is a WWE fan, and SEC bro amd won the longest match of all time proving not all Americans are lazy, Snooki-idolizing fat kids. He's a Shawn Michaels fan; I'm down with DX but I'm far more of a proponent to Triple H's pedigree, its more to the point than sweet chin music was. He's so rad he's even from North Carolina, my birth state. I will raise a strip of bacon to this bro, he is the raddest Sonny Crockett-type on the ATP World Tour. I will raise a strip of bacon to that.
More on the charitable socks for my foundation next time, as well as the tennis bro dating litmus test.
Send ideas to
realtennisbro@gmail.com
follow me on twitter @thetennisbro
Over 100 views in my 1st 2 hours, anyone see super stardom in my future? Me either.
When I was giving a glance into the on-broings inside my head, I withheld a very important character trait. I rampage a lot of television. Hell, my older brother even works in television and his stock is on the rise major in ole Hollywood. Not because of his work, but because he and I announced our plan to make a late push for the presidency, despite being more than 10 years too young, on average, for such a position. You can follow him on twitter @2finestein to see our platform.
My favorite television show of all time is Miami Vice. Don't think for 1 second my tortoise skin wayfarers are unintentional, they are a full-on Sonny Crockett rip off. Miami Vice was a show about the Vice Unit of Dade County Police. They were outrageously chillin' in expensive get up, pushing Ferraris and busting up drug dealers. Crockett and Tubbs were so money and they definitely had an idea of it; Swingers reference. The show colors were even a neon 80's version of Wimby colors. Seems like there should be a reason I add this right? Well there is. Whenever I judge a tennis player's radness, I always compare him or her to Miami Vice, and whether watch the player would be more fun or less fun to watch play then a standard episode of Miami Vice; like Smuggler's Blues. The Rad Rankings are Born. A player's ranking is somewhere between 1 and Miami Vice. 1 being worthless, and Miami Vice being the raddest dude on court.
One particular player on the list, Roger Federer, did 2 particularly rad things recently. He won Wimbledon for the 7th time in July against a surging hometown player, Andy Murray, and a hostile crowd. He also put the shirt he wore in the match up for auction yesterday for a charity other than his already fat wallet; being rich is super rad, giving to those less fortunate, Rico Tubbs rad.
Inspired, I decided to do the same. I wanted to put my socks I wore yesterday while coaching tennis up for auction, too. One man's sweaty socks are another man's treasure, that he pays top dollar for in order to support charity right? Wrong! No one placed a bid; I started at 500 euros, cheap busters. You can still do so, bidding will commence at 900,000 Monopoly Dollars or $17.00 American. The charity I started for it is the Billy Stein ~ Tennis Bro Foundation for Normal Sized Folks who Will Shrink to Jawa From Star Wars Size by 40. You can start your bidding now on Twitter @thetennisbro.
My hat is off to Fed for being such a bro of the 1st degree in giving sweaty shirts to the less fortunate. In the spirit of giving, I will now give you the list of the 10 raddest players on the ATP World Tour.
Ready. Set. BRO.
10. Roger Federer- Yeah yeah, Fed outdoes me in philanthropy and has won 17 Majors and almost 80 titles and is the biggest icon this sport has ever seen. We get it. He's a little more domesticated then I see myself at 30, personally. I mean the wife and twins daughters that are girls thing; better you than me bro. Your accomplishments are so rad though and I would choose you over about every episode of Vice apart from 'Glades'; greatest hour of television of all time. Keep broing, bro.
9. Juan Martin Del BROtro- This bro almost reminds me of Duke basketball. By that I mean his last title was my junior year of college and I always pick him to make a run and get disappointed. Too much. It is so rad that his 1 major was the US Open in 2009 over Mr. Federer. DelBRO is my age but looks like he's about 45; that isn't meant to be a stab, I hate getting carded, which always happens. Given his youth, he is still poised to be a contender for the time being. His nickname, the Tower of Tandil, so rad. His rating, a 7; always depends on his opponent before I plug up the Vice Deevs.
8. Devin Britton- Part of me wanted to put Rafa Nadal on this list, but I feel like he will be perfectly content with chillin' with his boys; by that I mean trophies and he has 11 of them from Majors. You may not have heard of this guy yet unless you're from Mississippi; don't worry, you will. He has won 10 doubles titles this year on the Futures circuit, most of which with the same partner; Tennis bro maneuver, big time. He was a year younger than me at Ole Miss where he won the national championship as a freshman and was up a break over Fed the same year at the US Open. He is also from Jackson, where I currently live, and rages burritos on the reg. I can't think of a radder dude without serious hardware yet. He definitely scores a perfect Miami Vice ranking.
7. Lukas Rosol- I literally don't know anything about this guy; and it would be very uncharacteristic of me to do research, so I won't. I know Rafa was hurt when Rosol won that 2nd round match at Wimbledon, but still such a rage thing to do. He won that match by hitting every ball as hard as he possibly could. He was like that little leaguer that swings as hard as he can every at bat and strikes out until that one bottom of the 9th (or 6th because its little league) at bat where he hits the game winning homework. Take a bow bro.
6. Andy Murray- Andy Murray doesn't really need 1 more person saluting his epic summer, which is why he fell to 6. He has really upped his level of play since adding the Terminator as his coach; by terminator, I mean Ivan Lendl never smiles. He made crying look like the coolest thing a guy could do when he lost the wimbledon final. He followed it up by taking gold at the Olympics and winning the US Open is epic fashion. He also has a super hot girlfriend and is a UFC fan. This guy is so rad.
5. Tommy Haas- Didn't he retire like 8 years ago? No, bro. At age 286 he's re-established himself a sub-top 20 player. Such a killer tennis bro maneuver.
4. Jack Sock. My new favorite player on tour. Big physical style of play. He rages Chipotle every day, and I mean every day. He also gets easily distracted during interviews, demonstrating how unimportant the press is to him. He and his older brother, Eric, also dress like they own a yacht club. Jack Sock at the very least is on the level of Ricky 'Wild Thang' Vaughn right now. He may be the heir to Sonny Crockett status some day.
3. Alexandr BROgopolov- His style of play is a deliberate middle finger the conventional tennis establishment; power move. He doesn't even spell Alexander correctly; power move(s). There are videos on youtube of him getting rampaged drunk while acting as the red carpet reporter and asking stupid questions. Stupid, but smart. His coach, Jack Reader, even has the same flowing locks he does. These 2 are Crockett and Tubbs big time, only I feel like their definitions of busting doobies are very different.
2. Novak BROkovic- The Tennis equivalent of Randy 'the Viper' Orton. The modern personification of consistency in the game. His backhand is as damaging on court as the RKO is in the squared circle. After you google what the RKO is because you don't watch wrestling, amateurs, google Jelena Ristic. His girlfriend, in my opinion, is the 2012 Helen of Troy. The Djoker is super rad and only 25, should have lots more left in the tank.
1. John Isner- Ok, this guy is a WWE fan, and SEC bro amd won the longest match of all time proving not all Americans are lazy, Snooki-idolizing fat kids. He's a Shawn Michaels fan; I'm down with DX but I'm far more of a proponent to Triple H's pedigree, its more to the point than sweet chin music was. He's so rad he's even from North Carolina, my birth state. I will raise a strip of bacon to this bro, he is the raddest Sonny Crockett-type on the ATP World Tour. I will raise a strip of bacon to that.
More on the charitable socks for my foundation next time, as well as the tennis bro dating litmus test.
Send ideas to
realtennisbro@gmail.com
follow me on twitter @thetennisbro
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