How's it going Bros?
Roland Garros 2013 is here. I am stoked! That time of the year means that time to drink some old world wine and watch clay court tennis.
Watching tennis on red clay means LONG drawn out points, that lead to LONG drawn out matches... and less volleying. My solution to make it better, make tennis a drinking game.
The men's draw drinking game is broken down into 3 categories: Sips, slugs and doubles.
This year has plenty of story lines and drama, should be opportune to get stupid.
Sips
These are common French Open viewing situations, take a sip every time this happens and see what happens.
-The clay court is called something like "dirt" or "dust" or something that isn't crushed red bricks.
-Rafael Nadal is called the "King of Clay" or any other references to his French Open successes are mentioned.
-The lack of lights on the grounds at Roland Garros are a topic of conversation
-A wide shot of downtown Paris is shown on a broadcast
-A close up of the Eifel Tower, the Luvre or some random girl drinking wine, eating bread or enjoying vanilla ice cream is shown
-Discussion arises of the back and forth between everyone in France for expansion of the grounds at RG.
-France's lack of success in this tournament is mentioned.
-Andy Murray's withdrawl as foresight for his Wimbledon 2013 campaign is a 10 minute segment.
-Juan martin Del Potro's withdrawl because he is ill is seen as irrelevant.
Wasted Yet?
Slugs
These are topics of discussion that I guarantee you will come up in every single one of the 32 seeds' matches. Take a full on slug of your drink every time the following occur:
1. Novak Djokovic- Discussion about his bid for a true Grand Slam in 2013 is brought up, or his reign as number 1, or being Nadal's toughest test.
2. Roger Federer- Every time people talk about the supposed decline of 31 year old Fed. Good luck not blacking out during his matches.
3. Rafael Nadal- He's 36-2 this year winning 6 of his 8 tournaments. You're getting drunk no matter what (see sips)
4. David Ferrer- He's cited as a "Grinder" and a "Warrior" and seen as being on the outside looking in.
5. Tomas Berdych- He's powerful, playing great tennis and stagnant at Number 6 in the world. #whitegirlwasted.
6. Jo Willy Tsonga- He's cited as the local favorite and the most charismatic player in the game.
7. Richard Gasquet- He's French... also tested positive positive for cocaine in Miami... which I think is kind of cool in a McQueen kind of way.
8. Janko Tipsarevic- If his slow start to 2013 is mentioned, or if he is compared directly to compatriot Novak Djokovic.
9. Stanislas Wawrinka- When a video replay of his 5 setter in Melbourne against Djoker is shown (it will be) or when they talk about how he's playing his best tennis right now and is some sort of dark horse to make the semis.
10. Marin Cilic- If his exploits as the number 2 ranked player in the juniors behind Donald Young are brought up. Not a very drinking game-friendly resume.
11. Nicolas Almagro- Every time this guy hits an ace or if his 2-16 record vs. top 10 players is brought up... Good luck with this one. #alcoholpoisoning
12. Tommy Haas- When his age (35 human years, 4586547650398530569 tennis years) is correlated with his amazing start to 2013 and his rankings climb.
13. Kei Nishikori- His being Japanese is brought up. When his IMG story is inevitably brought up every set.
14. Milos Raonic- How he's the future, he's Canadian and hits the ball really hard. Drink something light.
15. Gilles Simon- When his lack of size, his being french are brought up. Also when he's called a "Counter Puncher" or "Pace absorber".
16. Phillip Kohlschreiber- Likes UEFA Super power Bayern Munich, when his Wimby QF in 2012 is discussed.
17. Pico Monaco- When they predict his success because he's a clay courter or when his 4 titles from 2012 are brought up (3 on clay).
18. Sam Querrey- When they say he's the #1 American and how he's back to form #Blackout
19. John Isner- When they talk about his slow start to 2013, his lack of ability to break serve or his new coach. You're going to be hurting.
20. Andreas Seppi- If you can point out who this guy is.
21. Jerzy Janowicz- This and That. SUCH A BRO.
22. Alexandr Dolgopolov- When his rankings tumble since Jack Reader and him split is brought up. Every time he gets a first serve in.
23. Kevin Anderson- His 2 final appearances this year will be mentioned, and when his being South African is mentioned.
24. Benoit Paire- At your own discretion out of respect for his lumberjack beard
25. Jeremy Chardy- When they bring up his QF run at the Aussie. He also kind of looks American, which is awesome.
26. Gregor Dimitrov- This dude dates Maria Sharapova. Take a sip every time that makes you jealous.
27. Fabio Fognini- When you consider his career record is >.500 and he's a top 30 player.
28. Florian Mayer- When you easily mistake him for the other guy on tour named Mayer.
29. Mikhail Youzhny- >>>>
30. Julien Benneteau- He's that guy that beat Federer right?
31. Marcel Granollers- When the broadcasters tell you how awesome he is at doubles.
32. Tommy Robredo- When he is soluted for being the 6th seeded player over the age of 30. If they discuss the dinosaur showdown he and Haas had earlier this year. If his career high ranking occurring on August 28th, 2006 comes up. Food for thought, I'm 24, I was a senior in high school when that happened.
Doubles
The stuff that will get under your skin so much you'll want 2.
-When Nadal ultimately wins the final with ease crushing the hopes of A. a Grand Slam for Djoker and B. No anarchy at the top whatsoever in a very dull time in the game.
-If you're American and sleep through the early match you wanted to see live and not find out about on twitter.
-When all Americans are out by the 3rd round.
-When all Frenchmen are out by the quarters
-When the French Open surprises and underwhelms you this year like it does every other year.
-When Federer makes the final and ALL journalists drop their Aging-Federer propaganda bull s*** to get on the bandwagon
-When Gael Monfils hits an amazing but stupid shot in the first or 2nd round.
Pleasant viewing and bottoms up bros
Follow me on twitter @thetennisbro. Let's talk some tennis and some drinking games.
A Bro Above All
Billy Stein ~ The Tennis Bro
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
Monday, April 29, 2013
Roger Federer: A Fan Fiction
Monday 3:53 PM EST
Roger Federer, the Godfather of the ATP World Tour family sits in his chair. His feet are crossed, heels on the mahogany as he stares at his trophy case that the spans the distance of a modern movie screen. Fifteen years of history reflected in the shine of 76 trophies. An eye-popping 17 coming from major titles. Seven particularly large trophies sit in the middle of it all.
The GOAT (Greatest of all Time) uncrosses his legs as he looks over to his concigliere, Stanislas Wawrinka; his compatriot from the neutral mother land, Switzerland. The GOAT leans in for an exchange with his right hand man, never breaking eye contact from the spectacle of trophies, that affirm his stance among the ranks of the greatest that have ever done it.
Godfather: There's a lot of heat coming down from the very top.
Stan: What are we gonna do? These happenings could be very detrimental to our affairs if handled improperly.
Godfather: I have decided to take matters into my own hands, Stan. I'm going to call a meeting. I'll meet with Djokovic and Nadal and Murray and all the heads of the 5 families. I am going to straighten this situation out.
Stan: Is this really right at this stage in the game, Rog?
Godfather: Stanislas, old friend, this is something I should have handled a long time ago. Just contact them... Oh and Stan?
Stan: Yeah Rog?
Godfather: Only contact them with people you trust. No one clever, clever men carry with them agendas.
Stanislas retreats from the office to gather the rest of the family. The Godfather unzips his signature cream-colored sweater and pulls out a file marked "Strawberries and cream". His silhouette is relaxed, his pulse steady. The events that transpire will surely ruffle some feathers among some people in power, juxtaposed, will surely benefit all of those who stand on the same side of the fence as the greatest gentleman the sport has ever seen.
Wednesday 2:23 PM EST
Representatives from all the 5 families come out of the office. They are clad in suits dark suits with ties except for Rafael Nadal who is in a very light blue suit with a pink shirt and sherbet orange tie. He is using a similarly orange pocket square to wipe an abundance of sweat from his forehead. The mood is light, the most powerful men in business are all smiles, except for the GOAT, who is keeping his host's reserve learned in his adolescence at cotillion.
The Godfather sees out his smiley guests who share handshakes with one another before each of their respective drivers take them back to different parts of Europe. He waves over his number 2, Stanislas Wawrinka, back to the office. The two men sit on the couch along with under boss Marco Chiudinelli. Fed loosens his zipper and begins to listen to his faithfully trusted concigliere.
Stan: What do you think?
Marco: We got 'em now. I say we don't stop at Strawberries and Cream, I say we go right after Operation Eifel Tower and handcuff the sons of guns right here and now.
Godfather: Marco, you have been a friend for a long time. I spoil you with my goodwill because I can not help it. It becomes clearer on the surface that that was a mistake. Please go get us some wine from the cellar.
Marco exits.
Godfather: Stan, It is time we move along with the next phase of Strawberries and Cream. I'm going to make them an offer they can not refuse. Please assist me, you know my typing is not great.
To: All England Club
From: Stanislas Wawrinka
CC: Andy Murray Novak Djokovic Rafael Nadal David Ferrer
Subject: Wimbledon Prize Money
4:30 PM
Dear Trustees of the All England Club,
In my boss's 15 years he has very fond memories of your tournament. He won his first Grand Slam Title right on center court and have his name sketched into your trophy and on your famous walls 7 times. You have helped him make his fortune and shape his business.
Lately, it has come to his attention that our colleagues have had misfortunes trying to succeed in this business. Having such close people in his life down on their luck is bad, bad for business.
He expects this year you will raise your prize money for the champion and all players involved, substantially. In return he will grant you his eternal friendship and all of the perks associated with being closely involved with a man of his standing.
With warm regards,
GOAT
To: Stanislas Wawrinka
From: All England Club
CC: Roger Federer
Subject: RE: Wimbledon Prize Money
4:41 PM
Mr. Federer,
We at the All England Club are very touched by your support of your fellow players. However, at this time we can not authorize any raise in prize winnings.
We do hope you and your colleagues understand. This is nothing personal, just business.
Kindly,
The All England Club Board of Trustees
To: All England Club
From: Stanislas Wawrinka
CC: ATP World Tour Roster
Subject: RE RE: Wimbledon Prize Money
5:00 PM
My boss begs you reconsider your budgeting moving forward. He is willing to accept your apology and reconsider any brash reactions if you increase the prize money for all players concerned by 30%.
With warm regards,
GOAT
To: Stanlislas Wawrinka
From: All England Club
Subject: RE RE RE: Wimbledon Prize Money
9:02 PM
You posh tosser,
We apologize for our delayed response. We couldn't keep from laughing our bullocks off. You tell your boss he will get no such apology or ludicrous prize hike. If he is concerned about others well being, he can sell one of his Mercedes or many of his Rolex watches.
This is the most prestigious tournament on Earth. The Queen herself attends in her weakened state. He should be honored to be a competitor.
Kindly,
All England Club Board of Trustees
To: All England Club
From: Roger Federer
Subject: RE RE RE RE: Wimbledon Prize Money
9:15 PM
Trustees,
My associate has informed me you are unwilling to accept my offer. He informs me, also, that you were most impolite in your delivery of your difference in opinion. So I will now clearly explain to you where we will go from here.
Recently, I met with the heads of the five families. Out of respect for our less fortunate colleagues, we agreed to boycott the 2013 tournament if the All England Club was unwilling to make a deal. If you decide to stand tall with your current decision, none of the 5 family heads will play. If you think your bullocks is hurting now, think about how it will feel when you offer Tomas Berdych the number 1 seed.
Now ask yourself how many people will actually wake up in America to watch breakfast with the queen? You will be lucky to get Pippa Middleton to come to this one. A new mom, Princess Kate, isn't going to want to leave her child with a baby sitter to watch Tsonga play a a QF against Tommy Haas, or Robredo.
We also know about your master plan to expand the grounds. It is a fantastic play, too bad it will never happen if no one buys tickets to not watch the only 4 guys that have a chance to win plus David Ferrer whose a national icon in Spain. How many angry Spaniards are going to watch Almagro be their 1-seed?
I think a 35% Increase should suffice.
With Warm Regards,
GOAT
To: Roger Federer
From: All England Club
Subject: RE RE RE RE RE: Wimbledon Prize Money
9:18 PM
Mr. Federer,
Sir. From all of us here at the All England Club BOT, we are so so sorry. Words can not describe the admiration and adoration this club and its members have for you and your coworkers efforts.
We would very much like to accommodate the ATP players. We just do not know if 35% is a possibility at this point.
Please accept this token of our sorrow.
Kindly,
All England Club Board of Trustees
To: Roger Federer
From: All England Club
Subject: RE RE RE RE RE RE: Wimbledon Prize Money
9:30 PM
Mr. Federer, have you thought it over more?
Kindly,
All England Club Board of Trustees
To: Roger Federer
From: All England Club
Subject: RE RE RE RE RE RE RE: Wimbledon Prize Money
9:32 PM
Mr. Federer?
Kindly,
All England Club Board of Trustees
To: Roger Federer
From: All England Club
Subject: RE RE RE RE RE RE RE RE: Wimbledon Prize Money
9:33 PM
Mr. Federer,
Ok fine, GOAT, you win. We at the All England Club BOT have decided to authorize a 40% Prize Money increase to 22.6 million Euros.
We will see you, Mr. Djokovic, Mr. Nadal, Mr. Murray and Mr. Ferrer in Wimby in June.
Kindly,
All England Club Board of Trustees
A Bro Above All
Billy Stein ~ The Tennis Bro (@thetennisbro)
Roger Federer, the Godfather of the ATP World Tour family sits in his chair. His feet are crossed, heels on the mahogany as he stares at his trophy case that the spans the distance of a modern movie screen. Fifteen years of history reflected in the shine of 76 trophies. An eye-popping 17 coming from major titles. Seven particularly large trophies sit in the middle of it all.
The GOAT (Greatest of all Time) uncrosses his legs as he looks over to his concigliere, Stanislas Wawrinka; his compatriot from the neutral mother land, Switzerland. The GOAT leans in for an exchange with his right hand man, never breaking eye contact from the spectacle of trophies, that affirm his stance among the ranks of the greatest that have ever done it.
Godfather: There's a lot of heat coming down from the very top.
Stan: What are we gonna do? These happenings could be very detrimental to our affairs if handled improperly.
Godfather: I have decided to take matters into my own hands, Stan. I'm going to call a meeting. I'll meet with Djokovic and Nadal and Murray and all the heads of the 5 families. I am going to straighten this situation out.
Stan: Is this really right at this stage in the game, Rog?
Godfather: Stanislas, old friend, this is something I should have handled a long time ago. Just contact them... Oh and Stan?
Stan: Yeah Rog?
Godfather: Only contact them with people you trust. No one clever, clever men carry with them agendas.
Stanislas retreats from the office to gather the rest of the family. The Godfather unzips his signature cream-colored sweater and pulls out a file marked "Strawberries and cream". His silhouette is relaxed, his pulse steady. The events that transpire will surely ruffle some feathers among some people in power, juxtaposed, will surely benefit all of those who stand on the same side of the fence as the greatest gentleman the sport has ever seen.
Wednesday 2:23 PM EST
Representatives from all the 5 families come out of the office. They are clad in suits dark suits with ties except for Rafael Nadal who is in a very light blue suit with a pink shirt and sherbet orange tie. He is using a similarly orange pocket square to wipe an abundance of sweat from his forehead. The mood is light, the most powerful men in business are all smiles, except for the GOAT, who is keeping his host's reserve learned in his adolescence at cotillion.
The Godfather sees out his smiley guests who share handshakes with one another before each of their respective drivers take them back to different parts of Europe. He waves over his number 2, Stanislas Wawrinka, back to the office. The two men sit on the couch along with under boss Marco Chiudinelli. Fed loosens his zipper and begins to listen to his faithfully trusted concigliere.
Stan: What do you think?
Marco: We got 'em now. I say we don't stop at Strawberries and Cream, I say we go right after Operation Eifel Tower and handcuff the sons of guns right here and now.
Godfather: Marco, you have been a friend for a long time. I spoil you with my goodwill because I can not help it. It becomes clearer on the surface that that was a mistake. Please go get us some wine from the cellar.
Marco exits.
Godfather: Stan, It is time we move along with the next phase of Strawberries and Cream. I'm going to make them an offer they can not refuse. Please assist me, you know my typing is not great.
To: All England Club
From: Stanislas Wawrinka
CC: Andy Murray Novak Djokovic Rafael Nadal David Ferrer
Subject: Wimbledon Prize Money
4:30 PM
Dear Trustees of the All England Club,
In my boss's 15 years he has very fond memories of your tournament. He won his first Grand Slam Title right on center court and have his name sketched into your trophy and on your famous walls 7 times. You have helped him make his fortune and shape his business.
Lately, it has come to his attention that our colleagues have had misfortunes trying to succeed in this business. Having such close people in his life down on their luck is bad, bad for business.
He expects this year you will raise your prize money for the champion and all players involved, substantially. In return he will grant you his eternal friendship and all of the perks associated with being closely involved with a man of his standing.
With warm regards,
GOAT
To: Stanislas Wawrinka
From: All England Club
CC: Roger Federer
Subject: RE: Wimbledon Prize Money
4:41 PM
Mr. Federer,
We at the All England Club are very touched by your support of your fellow players. However, at this time we can not authorize any raise in prize winnings.
We do hope you and your colleagues understand. This is nothing personal, just business.
Kindly,
The All England Club Board of Trustees
To: All England Club
From: Stanislas Wawrinka
CC: ATP World Tour Roster
Subject: RE RE: Wimbledon Prize Money
5:00 PM
My boss begs you reconsider your budgeting moving forward. He is willing to accept your apology and reconsider any brash reactions if you increase the prize money for all players concerned by 30%.
With warm regards,
GOAT
To: Stanlislas Wawrinka
From: All England Club
Subject: RE RE RE: Wimbledon Prize Money
9:02 PM
You posh tosser,
We apologize for our delayed response. We couldn't keep from laughing our bullocks off. You tell your boss he will get no such apology or ludicrous prize hike. If he is concerned about others well being, he can sell one of his Mercedes or many of his Rolex watches.
This is the most prestigious tournament on Earth. The Queen herself attends in her weakened state. He should be honored to be a competitor.
Kindly,
All England Club Board of Trustees
To: All England Club
From: Roger Federer
Subject: RE RE RE RE: Wimbledon Prize Money
9:15 PM
Trustees,
My associate has informed me you are unwilling to accept my offer. He informs me, also, that you were most impolite in your delivery of your difference in opinion. So I will now clearly explain to you where we will go from here.
Recently, I met with the heads of the five families. Out of respect for our less fortunate colleagues, we agreed to boycott the 2013 tournament if the All England Club was unwilling to make a deal. If you decide to stand tall with your current decision, none of the 5 family heads will play. If you think your bullocks is hurting now, think about how it will feel when you offer Tomas Berdych the number 1 seed.
Now ask yourself how many people will actually wake up in America to watch breakfast with the queen? You will be lucky to get Pippa Middleton to come to this one. A new mom, Princess Kate, isn't going to want to leave her child with a baby sitter to watch Tsonga play a a QF against Tommy Haas, or Robredo.
We also know about your master plan to expand the grounds. It is a fantastic play, too bad it will never happen if no one buys tickets to not watch the only 4 guys that have a chance to win plus David Ferrer whose a national icon in Spain. How many angry Spaniards are going to watch Almagro be their 1-seed?
I think a 35% Increase should suffice.
With Warm Regards,
GOAT
To: Roger Federer
From: All England Club
Subject: RE RE RE RE RE: Wimbledon Prize Money
9:18 PM
Mr. Federer,
Sir. From all of us here at the All England Club BOT, we are so so sorry. Words can not describe the admiration and adoration this club and its members have for you and your coworkers efforts.
We would very much like to accommodate the ATP players. We just do not know if 35% is a possibility at this point.
Please accept this token of our sorrow.
Kindly,
All England Club Board of Trustees
To: Roger Federer
From: All England Club
Subject: RE RE RE RE RE RE: Wimbledon Prize Money
9:30 PM
Mr. Federer, have you thought it over more?
Kindly,
All England Club Board of Trustees
To: Roger Federer
From: All England Club
Subject: RE RE RE RE RE RE RE: Wimbledon Prize Money
9:32 PM
Mr. Federer?
Kindly,
All England Club Board of Trustees
To: Roger Federer
From: All England Club
Subject: RE RE RE RE RE RE RE RE: Wimbledon Prize Money
9:33 PM
Mr. Federer,
Ok fine, GOAT, you win. We at the All England Club BOT have decided to authorize a 40% Prize Money increase to 22.6 million Euros.
We will see you, Mr. Djokovic, Mr. Nadal, Mr. Murray and Mr. Ferrer in Wimby in June.
Kindly,
All England Club Board of Trustees
A Bro Above All
Billy Stein ~ The Tennis Bro (@thetennisbro)
Monday, April 22, 2013
The Ones That Missed the Cut
All over the world, football (soccer) fans are wondering, Billy, why didn't soccer bro get to be part of the wolfpack? And the answer is simple, your sport wasn't enough of a bro. Seems kind of hypocritical, allowing golf in the group of lady killing badasses, but sports wrestling, that are responsible for your dream job didn't. Where do you draw the line?
It's like this, just like every group of girls has a Designated Ugly Friend; or DUF, for short, every group of guys has 1 superbly douchy brohort. You could make the argument that football might be the Alpha Douche of this list, but be real for a second, that guy is always responsible, in some sort of facet, for why the night is awesome ultimately.
SIDE NOTE: You can find DUF girl by typing in 'University of Florida coed' in google. You have to scroll a bit to get passed all the hot Florida State girls and Tim Tebow pictures, but you'll spot it with enough effort.
Let me jump right in on some sports that may be kind of bro, but only at a distance because golf needed to be perma-DD on the weekends for the rest of the wolfpack.
Soccer: Yeah I called it soccer and not football, sorry, I'm American and we have our own lucrative and ultra-compensating form of sport also called "football." Ironically though, you can't take a dive in American football to make it less manly, you instead rely on NFL administrators to make rules that make the game less manly, by pretending to be concerned about the well being of the players. Great pension system you have worked out, bros.
Okay, so here quickly is how soccer would act; assuming its personified being was American. Firstly, it would have the gelled out euro mohullet thing made famous in sport antiquity by Cristiano Ronaldo. It's part brohawk and part mullet in like a very posh European way. More than likely too, you rock the $8 stud douchy earrings that everyone I know originally from the Midwest sported proudly in their adolescence. I hate to paint with a broad brush, but if you are a guy and have piercings of any kind, there is no saving you #LULZ. There have only ever been 3 successful man piercings in history:
1. Rico Tubbs
2. Rey Mysterio Jr. during the WCW days
3. Mel Gibson in Father's Day
I do love soccer though. I consider myself a big fan of Club USA and Manchester United. Here is a short list of my 10 favorite footballers in the world.
1. Javier Hernandez- Chicharito can ball. Saw Danza Kuduro for the first time watching his highlight tape.
2. Clint Dempsey- He and I are basically twins when I have a buzz cut. Plus he's from Texas. My childhood state.
3. Diego Forlan- Such a badass.
4. Lionel Messi- Best athlete on Earth
5. Wayne Rooney- The pulse of Man United
6. Robin Van Persie- Hat trick today won Man U's 20th Premiereship trophy
7. Landon Donovan- Biggest hero in American soccer
8. Robbie Keane- This
9. Cristiano Ronaldo- Of Course he was making this list
10. Hercules Gomez- 'Merica
Unfortunately, I don't hang around with enough hooligans to justify any of you in the wolfpack. Doesn't mean I don't fully support your efforts. Olay.
Track and Field:
Dare I say more?
Wrestling: Say all you want about WWE not being real, but "real" wrestling, like the kind that involves head gear and guys milling around like a Karma Sutra short film, is considered amateur. This would not even tip my interest if the Olympic Committee didn't recently remove the sport from the 2016 games. I may take this time to inform the reader, who may not know this, that wrestling was part of the original Pentathlon in the Ancient Greek Games, but kept trampoline jumping in the games. Now I could do what journalists do and take the time to research who is on that committee and show at your house and pull this maneuver, but that would require effort beyond google and youtube and someone may actually die. So I'm going to take the next few lines of my blog I love keeping so much and leave them blank. Each blank space represents The brain activity of the folks who realize a thousand year old tradition was eradicated for trampoline jumping.
NASCAR: I didn't even know until like a week ago that NASCAR was short for something. Sorry bro beans, my jeep only goes 85 any way.
Hockey: Your sport only seems to do 2 things for me, love my country a little more every time I watch Miracle, and make me laugh at your dumbass players and abusive owners' inability to collectively bargain with one another. Try watching an NHL game on TV. Hard not to get sucked into Night of the Twisters on HBO Family when in the midst of staring deep into Barry Melrose's mullet after the first 5 minutes of either of 2, yes 2 20 minute intermissions. Going to hockey games is even worse. It's the New Years Eve effect of live sports. You go to the arena, its freezing cold, too cold to enjoy holding your cold beer. You wait patiently for glass to break or a fight to happen. If it does you win, if it doesn't, you've been to 99% of hockey games on earth. #Canada
UFC: Fun to watch on paper view. I honestly don't hang out with one person whose into the lifestyle. Can't really hang with the graphic T set of society.
Lastly
Rugby: Everything I just said about soccer with a few differences.
1. Everyone is bigger
2. Consumes more room temperature beer
3. For some reason every American that plays it mysteriously developed a fake Western European accent once they started playing it.
4. More likely to tattoo their number on their biceps
5. Far more likely to spend hours talking about how their sport is superb to American football.
Yawn yawn on that. Maybe 7's rugby is better. That sport is actually quite fun to watch. Too bad only like 2% of the earth knows what that is.
follow me on twitter, I'd love to hear about how bro your sport is @thetennisbro
A Bro Above All, Glory Glory Man United #20
Billy Stein ~ The Tennis Bro
It's like this, just like every group of girls has a Designated Ugly Friend; or DUF, for short, every group of guys has 1 superbly douchy brohort. You could make the argument that football might be the Alpha Douche of this list, but be real for a second, that guy is always responsible, in some sort of facet, for why the night is awesome ultimately.
SIDE NOTE: You can find DUF girl by typing in 'University of Florida coed' in google. You have to scroll a bit to get passed all the hot Florida State girls and Tim Tebow pictures, but you'll spot it with enough effort.
Let me jump right in on some sports that may be kind of bro, but only at a distance because golf needed to be perma-DD on the weekends for the rest of the wolfpack.
Soccer: Yeah I called it soccer and not football, sorry, I'm American and we have our own lucrative and ultra-compensating form of sport also called "football." Ironically though, you can't take a dive in American football to make it less manly, you instead rely on NFL administrators to make rules that make the game less manly, by pretending to be concerned about the well being of the players. Great pension system you have worked out, bros.
Okay, so here quickly is how soccer would act; assuming its personified being was American. Firstly, it would have the gelled out euro mohullet thing made famous in sport antiquity by Cristiano Ronaldo. It's part brohawk and part mullet in like a very posh European way. More than likely too, you rock the $8 stud douchy earrings that everyone I know originally from the Midwest sported proudly in their adolescence. I hate to paint with a broad brush, but if you are a guy and have piercings of any kind, there is no saving you #LULZ. There have only ever been 3 successful man piercings in history:
1. Rico Tubbs
2. Rey Mysterio Jr. during the WCW days
3. Mel Gibson in Father's Day
I do love soccer though. I consider myself a big fan of Club USA and Manchester United. Here is a short list of my 10 favorite footballers in the world.
1. Javier Hernandez- Chicharito can ball. Saw Danza Kuduro for the first time watching his highlight tape.
2. Clint Dempsey- He and I are basically twins when I have a buzz cut. Plus he's from Texas. My childhood state.
3. Diego Forlan- Such a badass.
4. Lionel Messi- Best athlete on Earth
5. Wayne Rooney- The pulse of Man United
6. Robin Van Persie- Hat trick today won Man U's 20th Premiereship trophy
7. Landon Donovan- Biggest hero in American soccer
8. Robbie Keane- This
9. Cristiano Ronaldo- Of Course he was making this list
10. Hercules Gomez- 'Merica
Unfortunately, I don't hang around with enough hooligans to justify any of you in the wolfpack. Doesn't mean I don't fully support your efforts. Olay.
Track and Field:
Wrestling: Say all you want about WWE not being real, but "real" wrestling, like the kind that involves head gear and guys milling around like a Karma Sutra short film, is considered amateur. This would not even tip my interest if the Olympic Committee didn't recently remove the sport from the 2016 games. I may take this time to inform the reader, who may not know this, that wrestling was part of the original Pentathlon in the Ancient Greek Games, but kept trampoline jumping in the games. Now I could do what journalists do and take the time to research who is on that committee and show at your house and pull this maneuver, but that would require effort beyond google and youtube and someone may actually die. So I'm going to take the next few lines of my blog I love keeping so much and leave them blank. Each blank space represents The brain activity of the folks who realize a thousand year old tradition was eradicated for trampoline jumping.
NASCAR: I didn't even know until like a week ago that NASCAR was short for something. Sorry bro beans, my jeep only goes 85 any way.
Hockey: Your sport only seems to do 2 things for me, love my country a little more every time I watch Miracle, and make me laugh at your dumbass players and abusive owners' inability to collectively bargain with one another. Try watching an NHL game on TV. Hard not to get sucked into Night of the Twisters on HBO Family when in the midst of staring deep into Barry Melrose's mullet after the first 5 minutes of either of 2, yes 2 20 minute intermissions. Going to hockey games is even worse. It's the New Years Eve effect of live sports. You go to the arena, its freezing cold, too cold to enjoy holding your cold beer. You wait patiently for glass to break or a fight to happen. If it does you win, if it doesn't, you've been to 99% of hockey games on earth. #Canada
UFC: Fun to watch on paper view. I honestly don't hang out with one person whose into the lifestyle. Can't really hang with the graphic T set of society.
Lastly
Rugby: Everything I just said about soccer with a few differences.
1. Everyone is bigger
2. Consumes more room temperature beer
3. For some reason every American that plays it mysteriously developed a fake Western European accent once they started playing it.
4. More likely to tattoo their number on their biceps
5. Far more likely to spend hours talking about how their sport is superb to American football.
Yawn yawn on that. Maybe 7's rugby is better. That sport is actually quite fun to watch. Too bad only like 2% of the earth knows what that is.
follow me on twitter, I'd love to hear about how bro your sport is @thetennisbro
A Bro Above All, Glory Glory Man United #20
Billy Stein ~ The Tennis Bro
Sunday, April 21, 2013
If Sports Were Bros: Part 6 Tennis
The time is upon us, bros.
Time to talk about the bro traits and Wolfpack status of tennis. Some of you are probably all "Oh yeah, tennis bro is finally going to give the game credit as the most epic sport ever." A misunderstanding I should probably clear up before this argument goes further.
Tennis, for your information, is only my 5th favorite sport to play. Let that stun sink in for a second... Okay, great. Now that that's on the table, here is a list of my favorite sports to play; some of which a few of you may not consider sports:
1. Slow pitch softball
2. Trampoline WWE-style No-Holds-Barred wrestling
3. Imitation Olympic diving
4. Any and all coordination-required drinking games
5. TENNIS bros
But anyway, this sport is pretty kickass, and takes a serious role in the 'pack. So without further interruption, the final installment of the sports as bros franchise, this is tennis as a bro:
Ready?
Set?
BRO
Tennis is kind of like Zoltan from the fabled flick, Dude Where's my car? This is not a prose about his unique sense of fashion, but rather the fact that tennis is more of a cult than any sport. Allow me to explain.
From a very young age, the tennis community fixates itself on personal interest. It rarely seems to be about how tennis is played, but rather, what players are wearing when they play. Heaven forbid ladies league tennis players should ever wear the same Maria Sharapova dress twice in a month.
BABE RECOGNISH
That over romanticized tale of the kid who had nothing but a pair of gym socks and a raggedy basketball... Tennis Bro doesn't understand that. You take your raggedy ball thats missing air, tennis was coordinating his shoes, not based on how they correspond with his playing style, but with which $90 pastel shirt he planned to wear that day during the tournament.
Tennis bro is crucial to the wolfpack for a few reasons. He is an unbelievable pong player; making basketball less of a match up nightmare. Not to mention he is responsible for one of the all time greats.
Tennis is a self-motivator. So while golf is busy being a huge doucher, and football is lifting weights at 5 pm on a Friday, tennis is the 'pack member getting baseball and lax bro to start drinking the cheap stuff; works every time. He's also the realest bro in the pack, ratings don't lie. Tennis was used to realistic standards of reality at a younger age when his ranking was low because he wasn't as good as others in the state. When golf acts like total idiot loser, tennis is not the first to call him out for sucking, but definitely the most thorough.
Tennis may not be the featured wolf in the pack, but he still pulls girls that look like Kate Upton.
This is because every girl ever that meets tennis uses the same starting line "Oh you play tennis? You should teach me how to play some time."
Every dude that ever played tennis is shaking his head right now, because it has happened to us all. The best part about this inquiry, is that 0% of the time, the girl actually found her way onto the tennis court with us. But yes, we agree, tennis skirts would look great on you.
When at the bar, tennis chills the most. Football is busy raking up a tab because it makes sense that Sam Adams Boston Lager makes your biceps bigger right? Haven't you seen a BroScience video on Youtube before? The fact that tennis is up front about his lightweight tolerance that never improved after all the years of binge drinking in college, makes him A. a party all star and B. Able to scoot by getting drunk on 2 Coors banquet tall boys and being rowdier than Basketball after 3 Taylor Swift's #Funkytown.
SIDE NOTE: A Taylor Swift is a combination of blue and orange frozen drinks mixed with a shot of Bacardi 151. You can can try the drink that is as sensational as the American Recording Artist at Funky's in Oxford, MS.
Caution: It'll get you turbo drunk Billy Stein Tennis Bro style. Stupid move... Not.
Tennis is also most likely to engage in this conversation with an American 20-something girl at some point, pardon my circling the wagon:
Babe: "I don't get tennis."
Bro: "Yeah the rules are confusing."
Babe: "How could love mean nothing?"
Bro: "It means zero, the sport is like 1,000 years old. Even the french are confused by it."
Babe: "No I mean, how could it say love means nothing? Love like means a lot of things. It should mean everything."
Bro: ...
Babe: "I just don't get it. That's like, not cool because its saying love doesn't mean anything."
Bro: "Sorry you feel that way? I guess? Or something."
Babe: "But I love tennis though. The outfits are so cute."
After one too many of those conversations, tennis bro isn't actually part of the pack anymore because he jumped off the tallest building he could find. And now after a long sabbatical where he was out rocking jukeboxes and serving up $$$$, Harley Babeslayer is back with the ONLY WORDS THAT MATTER on Tennis Bros.
Pretty devastated about Rafa's winning streak in Monte Carlo coming to an end. Oh wait, no I'm not, I don't give a F***. Cram that up your cram hole, douche.
It's pretty simple really. Tennis players are not cool at all. Believe me, I travel the world kicking their asses and serving up $$$$. Don't get me wrong, The Tomato Bruiser makes this sport look awesome, I get that. Serving 140 MPH and donning a mustache is a pretty rocking combination. But I could make curling look cool. Let's take a look at the obvious problems that surround the ultra bitch-like guys that play this game. Here are tennis' top 3 problems:
1. No country music songs are ever made about this sport. The lacking badassness of full speed collisions or good American values in the modern times of the sport make it pretty unbearable to be around the other players.
2. Only 1 out of 10 actually make money playing the game. You have to be a badass #Babeslayer or a socialist play this game professionally. Why do you think so many Europeans win at this game?
3. Rafael Nadal. It's not jealousy that I can't pull games off of him. It's the fact that everything the B man does, Nadal imitates. I brought back short shorts and started winning, and what does Rafa do? I swear if this guy comes out with a matching mustache I'm going to give him a wedgie so hard the Moors will feel the pain in their ass.
Not to mention, all these little pretty boys that roam around the locker room all remind me of Kim Jong Un. Not because they're North Korean, I'm pretty sure he made it illegal to play tennis or have any kind of fun of any kind in that country. Tennis Dudes remind me of Kim Jong Un because they're all tiny little midgets that I for some reason haven't shoved in a high place or locked in a dumpster whenever they talk.
Screw this and screw other tennis players. I'm going to go challenge Digital Serena Williams to a Bicep Curls contest. Bruiser Out.
Follow me on twitter @thetennisbro to discuss tennis bros or North Korea or anything else.
A Bro Above All
Billy stein ~ The Tennis Bro
Serving up $$$$
Harley Babeslayer ~ Professional Tennis Player
Time to talk about the bro traits and Wolfpack status of tennis. Some of you are probably all "Oh yeah, tennis bro is finally going to give the game credit as the most epic sport ever." A misunderstanding I should probably clear up before this argument goes further.
Tennis, for your information, is only my 5th favorite sport to play. Let that stun sink in for a second... Okay, great. Now that that's on the table, here is a list of my favorite sports to play; some of which a few of you may not consider sports:
1. Slow pitch softball
2. Trampoline WWE-style No-Holds-Barred wrestling
3. Imitation Olympic diving
4. Any and all coordination-required drinking games
5. TENNIS bros
But anyway, this sport is pretty kickass, and takes a serious role in the 'pack. So without further interruption, the final installment of the sports as bros franchise, this is tennis as a bro:
Ready?
Set?
BRO
Tennis is kind of like Zoltan from the fabled flick, Dude Where's my car? This is not a prose about his unique sense of fashion, but rather the fact that tennis is more of a cult than any sport. Allow me to explain.
From a very young age, the tennis community fixates itself on personal interest. It rarely seems to be about how tennis is played, but rather, what players are wearing when they play. Heaven forbid ladies league tennis players should ever wear the same Maria Sharapova dress twice in a month.
BABE RECOGNISH
That over romanticized tale of the kid who had nothing but a pair of gym socks and a raggedy basketball... Tennis Bro doesn't understand that. You take your raggedy ball thats missing air, tennis was coordinating his shoes, not based on how they correspond with his playing style, but with which $90 pastel shirt he planned to wear that day during the tournament.
Tennis bro is crucial to the wolfpack for a few reasons. He is an unbelievable pong player; making basketball less of a match up nightmare. Not to mention he is responsible for one of the all time greats.
Tennis is a self-motivator. So while golf is busy being a huge doucher, and football is lifting weights at 5 pm on a Friday, tennis is the 'pack member getting baseball and lax bro to start drinking the cheap stuff; works every time. He's also the realest bro in the pack, ratings don't lie. Tennis was used to realistic standards of reality at a younger age when his ranking was low because he wasn't as good as others in the state. When golf acts like total idiot loser, tennis is not the first to call him out for sucking, but definitely the most thorough.
Tennis may not be the featured wolf in the pack, but he still pulls girls that look like Kate Upton.
This is because every girl ever that meets tennis uses the same starting line "Oh you play tennis? You should teach me how to play some time."
Every dude that ever played tennis is shaking his head right now, because it has happened to us all. The best part about this inquiry, is that 0% of the time, the girl actually found her way onto the tennis court with us. But yes, we agree, tennis skirts would look great on you.
When at the bar, tennis chills the most. Football is busy raking up a tab because it makes sense that Sam Adams Boston Lager makes your biceps bigger right? Haven't you seen a BroScience video on Youtube before? The fact that tennis is up front about his lightweight tolerance that never improved after all the years of binge drinking in college, makes him A. a party all star and B. Able to scoot by getting drunk on 2 Coors banquet tall boys and being rowdier than Basketball after 3 Taylor Swift's #Funkytown.
SIDE NOTE: A Taylor Swift is a combination of blue and orange frozen drinks mixed with a shot of Bacardi 151. You can can try the drink that is as sensational as the American Recording Artist at Funky's in Oxford, MS.
Caution: It'll get you turbo drunk Billy Stein Tennis Bro style. Stupid move... Not.
Tennis is also most likely to engage in this conversation with an American 20-something girl at some point, pardon my circling the wagon:
Babe: "I don't get tennis."
Bro: "Yeah the rules are confusing."
Babe: "How could love mean nothing?"
Bro: "It means zero, the sport is like 1,000 years old. Even the french are confused by it."
Babe: "No I mean, how could it say love means nothing? Love like means a lot of things. It should mean everything."
Bro: ...
Babe: "I just don't get it. That's like, not cool because its saying love doesn't mean anything."
Bro: "Sorry you feel that way? I guess? Or something."
Babe: "But I love tennis though. The outfits are so cute."
After one too many of those conversations, tennis bro isn't actually part of the pack anymore because he jumped off the tallest building he could find. And now after a long sabbatical where he was out rocking jukeboxes and serving up $$$$, Harley Babeslayer is back with the ONLY WORDS THAT MATTER on Tennis Bros.
Pretty devastated about Rafa's winning streak in Monte Carlo coming to an end. Oh wait, no I'm not, I don't give a F***. Cram that up your cram hole, douche.
It's pretty simple really. Tennis players are not cool at all. Believe me, I travel the world kicking their asses and serving up $$$$. Don't get me wrong, The Tomato Bruiser makes this sport look awesome, I get that. Serving 140 MPH and donning a mustache is a pretty rocking combination. But I could make curling look cool. Let's take a look at the obvious problems that surround the ultra bitch-like guys that play this game. Here are tennis' top 3 problems:
1. No country music songs are ever made about this sport. The lacking badassness of full speed collisions or good American values in the modern times of the sport make it pretty unbearable to be around the other players.
2. Only 1 out of 10 actually make money playing the game. You have to be a badass #Babeslayer or a socialist play this game professionally. Why do you think so many Europeans win at this game?
3. Rafael Nadal. It's not jealousy that I can't pull games off of him. It's the fact that everything the B man does, Nadal imitates. I brought back short shorts and started winning, and what does Rafa do? I swear if this guy comes out with a matching mustache I'm going to give him a wedgie so hard the Moors will feel the pain in their ass.
Not to mention, all these little pretty boys that roam around the locker room all remind me of Kim Jong Un. Not because they're North Korean, I'm pretty sure he made it illegal to play tennis or have any kind of fun of any kind in that country. Tennis Dudes remind me of Kim Jong Un because they're all tiny little midgets that I for some reason haven't shoved in a high place or locked in a dumpster whenever they talk.
Screw this and screw other tennis players. I'm going to go challenge Digital Serena Williams to a Bicep Curls contest. Bruiser Out.
Follow me on twitter @thetennisbro to discuss tennis bros or North Korea or anything else.
A Bro Above All
Billy stein ~ The Tennis Bro
Serving up $$$$
Harley Babeslayer ~ Professional Tennis Player
Sunday, April 14, 2013
If Sports Were Bros: Part 5 Lax Bro
How's it hanging bros?
A steady appetite of Miami Vice episodes and refilling the water in golf's momma's dish has me all tingly inside #Tennisbro. So fired up that I am going to put America's Davis Cup blunder behind me and talk about tennis' ultimate BROhort in the wolfpack, Lacrosse.
It is important when discussing lacrosse you remember 2 very important things:
1. the 'pack doesn't even call it "lacrosse", it is automatically referred to as Lax Bro.
2. You, yourself, may not be involved in Lax Bro's persuasion, but dammit you gotta respect it.
Lax Bro is a rare breed. During Lax's age in the covenant 18-24 demographic, you won't find any member of the wolfpack more dedicated to the craft. For whatever reason, Lax has like a 99.8% participation at the collegiate level. Never seen a club sport be taken so seriously, and for that matter, not take itself so seriously; looking at you hockey bros.
SIDE NOTE: Hockey is Canadian Lacrosse that serves 1 cool purpose, the USA Winter Olympic team. Period. Glad we cleared that up.
This is a pretty kick ass character trait. Lax Bro don't play. Once the glory days of playing are over, Lax Bro hangs it up without shame and doesn't live so far back in the past as football.
Lax bro is the most likely member of the pack to look like the coke head, coward roommate in Green Street Hooligans. Lax Bro will ball so hard on the lax pitch and than promptly join some sort of Northeastern Yacht Club. You didn't think guys who dawn kickass names like Steele Stanwick or Colin Finnerty were going to get into the Oklahoma fracking persuasion, did you? Stupid question.
While in his prime, lax bro is always practicing his throw and catch, doing so in a pair of boat shoes; duh, gym shorts and a lax jersey. Minimum of 200 flips of his lax flow per day, bro.
Let's talk ethics for a second. Since Lax Bro is clearly the Mid Atlantic spokesman of the wolfpack, he conducts his self as the highest ambassador imaginable. Along with basketball and baseball, lax bro logs long hard hours on the xbox. He probably doesn't have a skoal ring in his jeans, but I'm not going to hold that against him. He also slays the ladies.
Its kind of a combination of reasons that lax bro takes out so many girls. He has cool hair, lots of old family money, enough stories about the luxurious lifestyle to make even Steven Hawking lose focus AND a bunch of friends that are just like him. This drives the ladies CRAZY. Not exactly the kinds of ladies I go for; or really anyone else in the 'pack either, but ladies nonetheless. This collective of ice queens are called "lacrossetitutes". Don't bother unless you're lax skills are outweighed by the mansion you're inheriting... Still not worse than golf's girlfriend.
All these solid traits combined with a bag full of f***s not being given, and lax bro is right up there with baseball as the apex bro of the pack. When you hear Weezy beats from a guy who appears to be having a seizure at the pong table; rest assure, those are just flips of the flow, bro, get it together. Lax Bro, bro is in full force making party happen.
A Bro Above All
Billy Stein ~ The Tennis Bro
A steady appetite of Miami Vice episodes and refilling the water in golf's momma's dish has me all tingly inside #Tennisbro. So fired up that I am going to put America's Davis Cup blunder behind me and talk about tennis' ultimate BROhort in the wolfpack, Lacrosse.
It is important when discussing lacrosse you remember 2 very important things:
1. the 'pack doesn't even call it "lacrosse", it is automatically referred to as Lax Bro.
2. You, yourself, may not be involved in Lax Bro's persuasion, but dammit you gotta respect it.
Lax Bro is a rare breed. During Lax's age in the covenant 18-24 demographic, you won't find any member of the wolfpack more dedicated to the craft. For whatever reason, Lax has like a 99.8% participation at the collegiate level. Never seen a club sport be taken so seriously, and for that matter, not take itself so seriously; looking at you hockey bros.
SIDE NOTE: Hockey is Canadian Lacrosse that serves 1 cool purpose, the USA Winter Olympic team. Period. Glad we cleared that up.
This is a pretty kick ass character trait. Lax Bro don't play. Once the glory days of playing are over, Lax Bro hangs it up without shame and doesn't live so far back in the past as football.
Lax bro is the most likely member of the pack to look like the coke head, coward roommate in Green Street Hooligans. Lax Bro will ball so hard on the lax pitch and than promptly join some sort of Northeastern Yacht Club. You didn't think guys who dawn kickass names like Steele Stanwick or Colin Finnerty were going to get into the Oklahoma fracking persuasion, did you? Stupid question.
While in his prime, lax bro is always practicing his throw and catch, doing so in a pair of boat shoes; duh, gym shorts and a lax jersey. Minimum of 200 flips of his lax flow per day, bro.
Let's talk ethics for a second. Since Lax Bro is clearly the Mid Atlantic spokesman of the wolfpack, he conducts his self as the highest ambassador imaginable. Along with basketball and baseball, lax bro logs long hard hours on the xbox. He probably doesn't have a skoal ring in his jeans, but I'm not going to hold that against him. He also slays the ladies.
Its kind of a combination of reasons that lax bro takes out so many girls. He has cool hair, lots of old family money, enough stories about the luxurious lifestyle to make even Steven Hawking lose focus AND a bunch of friends that are just like him. This drives the ladies CRAZY. Not exactly the kinds of ladies I go for; or really anyone else in the 'pack either, but ladies nonetheless. This collective of ice queens are called "lacrossetitutes". Don't bother unless you're lax skills are outweighed by the mansion you're inheriting... Still not worse than golf's girlfriend.
All these solid traits combined with a bag full of f***s not being given, and lax bro is right up there with baseball as the apex bro of the pack. When you hear Weezy beats from a guy who appears to be having a seizure at the pong table; rest assure, those are just flips of the flow, bro, get it together. Lax Bro, bro is in full force making party happen.
A Bro Above All
Billy Stein ~ The Tennis Bro
Saturday, April 6, 2013
If Sports Were Bros: Part 4 Golf
Every equation has a least common denominator in it.
The same can be said for the Wolfpack of sports. Really just the lowest rung of the epic bro totem pole. The resident suckass of the amigos. I'm talking about golf.
Golf is the enemy, plain and simple, mofos. It wants to establish a common ground with tennis:
-Both are designed for the privileged
-Both dress nicer than any other of the sports in wolfpack
-Both have 4 major events
Blah Blah Blah; piss off golf.
Golf's arguments are pretty solid on paper. He is responsible Tiger Woods and the major motion picture Tin Cup; both are incredible enhancements to an otherwise dull society without them. Fine. Golf thinks he offers a really awesome opportunity for camaraderie among the boys. Which he actually does. But that's where the buck stops.
From a personality standpoint, golf tries to keep in heavy company with Lax Bro, bro and tennis bro. Of course they both hate him. Lax Bro doesn't like to keep his shoulders level as compared to rolling them over when playing his epic bro game. Tennis Bro doesn't like golf because he's a bottom feeder and inferior in every kind of way.
You can commonly find golf locked in his room watching the Greatest Game Ever Played and discussing the Sports Mount Rushmore:
-Tiger
-Bobby
-Arnold
-Jack
Naturally, like all wolfpack roommates politics go, golf and tennis share a bathroom in the ManCave. Wherein, golf's girlfriend left her tampons in the cabinet.
SIDENOTE: Bad call if you share a bathroom with more than 1 dude.
When golf decided to stay the night at her place, I drank several Coors Lights and threw that economy box of menstrual shields against the wall and entered a manpon fight with baseball and LaCrosse; and won #Tennisbro
We all know Bubba watson is pretty cool...
But come on man, when football and basketball are playing catch in the front yard, do you really have to tell the same story about his hook shot at the masters 50 times in a row? This while imitating in the front yard with your pitching wedge like some sort of Greek theatrical revival. Golf shakes his head no and says "No you don't understand, he never had a golf lesson and hit that. Have you ever had a golf lesson? They're intense."
You deserved the pickle juice, dijon and mayonnaise cocktail under your bed for that maneuver, among others. #Hateraide
Golf, for whatever reason, does do well with the ladies. It's probably the large bottle of Kettle One he purchased for the 4th of July cookout when everyone else was in tune with drinking cheap beer. Can't shine on that 60 cents a can stuff, bros. And are y'all grilling hot dogs? That's some weak stuff, I'm grilling a ribeye, I'll cook it though, you boys don't know how to cook a piece of meat this fine.
Here's a breakdown, if there's a pretentious girl at the wolfpack's hangout. It is a safe bet golf or lax bro brought her. If she's rolls her eyes due to the morally relaxed nature of everything around her, she came with golf. If she rolls her eyes at the condescending floozie who's rolling her eyes at everyone, she came with lax bro. She is what is called a "Lacrosstitute". Either way stay clear of both; I have myself a toddy and pretend neither exist.
On Halloween it is likely golf will go dressed as a golfer. Why put on a gorilla costume or one of those awesome full body morph suits when you can just let it be known to everyone that you're a golfer? Golf sucks.
One last point: It wouldn't be fair to say anything about golf without mentioning its other greatest player. This guy and Harley Babeslayer could really do damage to a social scene if they chilled the most. I'm talking about Shooter McGavin. Personally, I love Happy Gilmore. Hilarious movie, gave modern society Adam Sandler. Really though, the deeper meaning of the film, is that if you fail at another sport, just play golf. That is a theme in the wolfpack, too. The sports constantly remind golf that his sauce is weak and everyone does it to relax from their hectic sport's activities. But Shooter is as epic in the movie as Tiger Woods is in real life. Here are some of his finer moments:
That, my friends, is why golf is the apex suck ass in the sports bros wolfpack. Next time I will be discussing its friend, but really just inconveniently paired bro, the mythical LAX Bro, bro.
Follow me on Twitter @thetennisbro to discuss the wolfpack's role player's or golf; if you must.
A Bro Above All
Billy Stein ~ The Tennis Bro
The same can be said for the Wolfpack of sports. Really just the lowest rung of the epic bro totem pole. The resident suckass of the amigos. I'm talking about golf.
Golf is the enemy, plain and simple, mofos. It wants to establish a common ground with tennis:
-Both are designed for the privileged
-Both dress nicer than any other of the sports in wolfpack
-Both have 4 major events
Blah Blah Blah; piss off golf.
Golf's arguments are pretty solid on paper. He is responsible Tiger Woods and the major motion picture Tin Cup; both are incredible enhancements to an otherwise dull society without them. Fine. Golf thinks he offers a really awesome opportunity for camaraderie among the boys. Which he actually does. But that's where the buck stops.
From a personality standpoint, golf tries to keep in heavy company with Lax Bro, bro and tennis bro. Of course they both hate him. Lax Bro doesn't like to keep his shoulders level as compared to rolling them over when playing his epic bro game. Tennis Bro doesn't like golf because he's a bottom feeder and inferior in every kind of way.
You can commonly find golf locked in his room watching the Greatest Game Ever Played and discussing the Sports Mount Rushmore:
-Tiger
-Bobby
-Arnold
-Jack
Naturally, like all wolfpack roommates politics go, golf and tennis share a bathroom in the ManCave. Wherein, golf's girlfriend left her tampons in the cabinet.
SIDENOTE: Bad call if you share a bathroom with more than 1 dude.
When golf decided to stay the night at her place, I drank several Coors Lights and threw that economy box of menstrual shields against the wall and entered a manpon fight with baseball and LaCrosse; and won #Tennisbro
We all know Bubba watson is pretty cool...
But come on man, when football and basketball are playing catch in the front yard, do you really have to tell the same story about his hook shot at the masters 50 times in a row? This while imitating in the front yard with your pitching wedge like some sort of Greek theatrical revival. Golf shakes his head no and says "No you don't understand, he never had a golf lesson and hit that. Have you ever had a golf lesson? They're intense."
You deserved the pickle juice, dijon and mayonnaise cocktail under your bed for that maneuver, among others. #Hateraide
Golf, for whatever reason, does do well with the ladies. It's probably the large bottle of Kettle One he purchased for the 4th of July cookout when everyone else was in tune with drinking cheap beer. Can't shine on that 60 cents a can stuff, bros. And are y'all grilling hot dogs? That's some weak stuff, I'm grilling a ribeye, I'll cook it though, you boys don't know how to cook a piece of meat this fine.
Here's a breakdown, if there's a pretentious girl at the wolfpack's hangout. It is a safe bet golf or lax bro brought her. If she's rolls her eyes due to the morally relaxed nature of everything around her, she came with golf. If she rolls her eyes at the condescending floozie who's rolling her eyes at everyone, she came with lax bro. She is what is called a "Lacrosstitute". Either way stay clear of both; I have myself a toddy and pretend neither exist.
On Halloween it is likely golf will go dressed as a golfer. Why put on a gorilla costume or one of those awesome full body morph suits when you can just let it be known to everyone that you're a golfer? Golf sucks.
One last point: It wouldn't be fair to say anything about golf without mentioning its other greatest player. This guy and Harley Babeslayer could really do damage to a social scene if they chilled the most. I'm talking about Shooter McGavin. Personally, I love Happy Gilmore. Hilarious movie, gave modern society Adam Sandler. Really though, the deeper meaning of the film, is that if you fail at another sport, just play golf. That is a theme in the wolfpack, too. The sports constantly remind golf that his sauce is weak and everyone does it to relax from their hectic sport's activities. But Shooter is as epic in the movie as Tiger Woods is in real life. Here are some of his finer moments:
That, my friends, is why golf is the apex suck ass in the sports bros wolfpack. Next time I will be discussing its friend, but really just inconveniently paired bro, the mythical LAX Bro, bro.
Follow me on Twitter @thetennisbro to discuss the wolfpack's role player's or golf; if you must.
A Bro Above All
Billy Stein ~ The Tennis Bro
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
If Sports Were Bros: Part 3 Baseball
How's it going, bros?
Opening day is Sunday. America's past time that we can no longer, as Americans, compete with the super powers of Latin America in, is back. I'm not talking about boxing; though who can tell anymore? I am talking about probably the most bro, bro in the wolfpack. I'm talking about baseball bro.
Baseball bro is perpetually in a full count; pun intended. On the one, he is one of the least fun sports to watch for people who do not have proverbial skins in the game. On the other hand, everyone loves baseball, even if you don't actually love baseball.
Baseball games are a haven for EVERYBODY. Girls love them, because for some reason, all girls, and I mean all girls, love baseball players. They're like a personified Ryan Gosling poster that can't act but can hit a change up; for whatever reason. Guys we love it because its essentially a lazy man's sport that encourages us to drink larger overpriced beers and scream obscenities at a stranger all because he is standing in the outfield. And those 2 things happen to be the most fun ever.
Within the bro troop, baseball is renowned for the fact that he is sooooo unbelievably bro. Baseball gets along swimmingly with basketball; because everyone gets along with basketball because he's the most laid back dude ever. Soccer loves the fact that baseball is so inclined to be selfless and encourage a team environment, making baseball the group's apex wingman. Baseball also likes to engage in activities such as antiquing and hiding football's gym bag for laughs with me #TennisBro. Lax bro doesn't get along so well with baseball. It is not because they don't share the same penchant for weirdo male bonding that goes along with sports with big teams. It isn't even the similarity in sports that require hand-eye coordination with a fast moving and painful ball. No. Lax bro hates baseball because the two's lifestyles are one in the same. Something that if you don't already know, will be very in your face as this series progresses.
Baseball is a killer guy's guy. In general, he dips a can of Skoal in no time while adjusting that stupid looking rope necklace thing he wears around his neck that allegedly is good for balance; under review. He is always wearing a flat bill of a professional baseball team and a button down shirt. No other sport can pull this look off with the envy of the rest of the wolfpack, but this is baseball's thing.
Philosophically speaking, baseball will remind you of America and why he's the past time; all of this while drooling wintergreen into an empty Natty Light can. Common talking points baseball will use are
-"If your sport is so great, how come no one makes $25 Million a year to play it?"
-"Does Kate Upton date anyone playing your sport?"
-"Whatever bro, you try hitting a 90 MPH fastball"
-"Hat trick? Have you ever seen a triple before? It's the single most exciting play in sports."
-"There is not a more bro sport then baseball." This point is true actually.
- "Have you even seen a sunset more beautiful than Robbie Cano's double play turn?"
SIDE NOTE: I hate the New York Yankees. Not because of their players, their rings, or the pinstripes. But because Yankees fans are the most annoying, Wal Mart brand of irrational fans in sports. They're the professional Alabama Crimson Tide. It is in the greatest love story of all time, For Love of the Game, that you get a fantastically realistic dramatization of New York Yankees fans.
-"That was a bomb."
-"The Ol' Uncle Charlie"
Those 2 sayings aren't necessarily just sports related, given baseball's mean streak.
Mandatory Kate Upton Picture for bringing her name up.
God Bless America for that girl.
Unlike basketball or football, baseball has a bit more of a complex and multi-dimensional personality. Never do you ever run into baseball out in public talking about working out and steroids like you do football. Probably because baseball doesn't have the poetic freedom to joke about the usage of PED's in its confines.
Baseball players go both ways; not a sex joke. They play defense and offense; unlike basketball which can't spell defense. I'm on fire... This has nothing to do with anything, I just wanted to make inappropriate funnies.
Here is why baseball is the Apex Bro of the wolfpack:
Baseball is as loyal and fun of a friend as anyone in the group, and yet the biggest douche EVER to girls. This combination works in spades for baseball, simply because he is baseball. He will play XBOX for hours so long as he has cheap beer and his can of snuff. His offensive brand of jokes teamed with his dumb looking brohawk hidden under his flatbill make idiots like me laugh until we can't stand up.
He also pulls way more girls then football; and boy does this ever anger football. Lacrosse hates baseball; typical wolfpack politics. Or maybe because he has cooler groupie names. A girl that loves baseball players is called a 'Cleat Chaser' where as a lax bro mattress is called a 'lacrosstitute'. Girls, if you happen to LOVE baseball simply for the fact that he is baseball and not because of the fact he recommended y'all cut the pleasantries and get to it, guess what? You're a cleat chaser. Don't believe me, then you're in cleat chaser denial. The worst sports groupie denial stage to be in.
You're probably wondering, how does baseball get away with all of these atrocities he pulls? He doesn't just get away with it, he benefits way more then football... You're football if you're asking these questions. But let me explain to our most masculine wolfpack member.
Scroll up to literally everything I've discussed. Baseball dresses like a degenerate high schooler, his events encourage more degenerate behavior. He throws a 90 MPH fastball and also has to hit that 90 MPH fastball. His nickname is the "boy of summer". His sport is super chill and kind of relaxing most of the time. All of these reasons make him super arrogant. And deservingly so.
As per the uber confident cleat chasers he pulls. Baseball is most likely to bring home the girl that equal parts sinner, and equal parts saint. Meaning she hangs out with a bunch of saints, but is probably the group rebel. And just so we're clear, baseball's girl is the only sport's girl that has friends for all the other members of the wolfpack that are cool and want to hang out... Even football can't argue that baseball hangs out with the coolest girls.
So there it is sports fans, if the wolfpack were the cast of Entourage, Baseball is definitely Vinny Chase... or maybe he's Johnny. Retract that statement, I'm not sure. But either way, he's the best bro in the wolfpack to do all bro things with.
Follow me on twitter @thetennisbro to discuss baseball's opening day, the wolfpack or any other cool stuff. Thanks to my buddy Chase for his tennis bro video. You should all like and subscribe to his channel.
The next edition will be baseball's least compatible bro, the Lax Bro, bro.
A bro above all
Billy Stein ~ The Tennis Bro
Opening day is Sunday. America's past time that we can no longer, as Americans, compete with the super powers of Latin America in, is back. I'm not talking about boxing; though who can tell anymore? I am talking about probably the most bro, bro in the wolfpack. I'm talking about baseball bro.
Baseball bro is perpetually in a full count; pun intended. On the one, he is one of the least fun sports to watch for people who do not have proverbial skins in the game. On the other hand, everyone loves baseball, even if you don't actually love baseball.
Baseball games are a haven for EVERYBODY. Girls love them, because for some reason, all girls, and I mean all girls, love baseball players. They're like a personified Ryan Gosling poster that can't act but can hit a change up; for whatever reason. Guys we love it because its essentially a lazy man's sport that encourages us to drink larger overpriced beers and scream obscenities at a stranger all because he is standing in the outfield. And those 2 things happen to be the most fun ever.
Within the bro troop, baseball is renowned for the fact that he is sooooo unbelievably bro. Baseball gets along swimmingly with basketball; because everyone gets along with basketball because he's the most laid back dude ever. Soccer loves the fact that baseball is so inclined to be selfless and encourage a team environment, making baseball the group's apex wingman. Baseball also likes to engage in activities such as antiquing and hiding football's gym bag for laughs with me #TennisBro. Lax bro doesn't get along so well with baseball. It is not because they don't share the same penchant for weirdo male bonding that goes along with sports with big teams. It isn't even the similarity in sports that require hand-eye coordination with a fast moving and painful ball. No. Lax bro hates baseball because the two's lifestyles are one in the same. Something that if you don't already know, will be very in your face as this series progresses.
Baseball is a killer guy's guy. In general, he dips a can of Skoal in no time while adjusting that stupid looking rope necklace thing he wears around his neck that allegedly is good for balance; under review. He is always wearing a flat bill of a professional baseball team and a button down shirt. No other sport can pull this look off with the envy of the rest of the wolfpack, but this is baseball's thing.
Philosophically speaking, baseball will remind you of America and why he's the past time; all of this while drooling wintergreen into an empty Natty Light can. Common talking points baseball will use are
-"If your sport is so great, how come no one makes $25 Million a year to play it?"
-"Does Kate Upton date anyone playing your sport?"
-"Whatever bro, you try hitting a 90 MPH fastball"
-"Hat trick? Have you ever seen a triple before? It's the single most exciting play in sports."
-"There is not a more bro sport then baseball." This point is true actually.
- "Have you even seen a sunset more beautiful than Robbie Cano's double play turn?"
SIDE NOTE: I hate the New York Yankees. Not because of their players, their rings, or the pinstripes. But because Yankees fans are the most annoying, Wal Mart brand of irrational fans in sports. They're the professional Alabama Crimson Tide. It is in the greatest love story of all time, For Love of the Game, that you get a fantastically realistic dramatization of New York Yankees fans.
-"That was a bomb."
-"The Ol' Uncle Charlie"
Those 2 sayings aren't necessarily just sports related, given baseball's mean streak.
Mandatory Kate Upton Picture for bringing her name up.
God Bless America for that girl.
Unlike basketball or football, baseball has a bit more of a complex and multi-dimensional personality. Never do you ever run into baseball out in public talking about working out and steroids like you do football. Probably because baseball doesn't have the poetic freedom to joke about the usage of PED's in its confines.
Baseball players go both ways; not a sex joke. They play defense and offense; unlike basketball which can't spell defense. I'm on fire... This has nothing to do with anything, I just wanted to make inappropriate funnies.
Here is why baseball is the Apex Bro of the wolfpack:
Baseball is as loyal and fun of a friend as anyone in the group, and yet the biggest douche EVER to girls. This combination works in spades for baseball, simply because he is baseball. He will play XBOX for hours so long as he has cheap beer and his can of snuff. His offensive brand of jokes teamed with his dumb looking brohawk hidden under his flatbill make idiots like me laugh until we can't stand up.
He also pulls way more girls then football; and boy does this ever anger football. Lacrosse hates baseball; typical wolfpack politics. Or maybe because he has cooler groupie names. A girl that loves baseball players is called a 'Cleat Chaser' where as a lax bro mattress is called a 'lacrosstitute'. Girls, if you happen to LOVE baseball simply for the fact that he is baseball and not because of the fact he recommended y'all cut the pleasantries and get to it, guess what? You're a cleat chaser. Don't believe me, then you're in cleat chaser denial. The worst sports groupie denial stage to be in.
You're probably wondering, how does baseball get away with all of these atrocities he pulls? He doesn't just get away with it, he benefits way more then football... You're football if you're asking these questions. But let me explain to our most masculine wolfpack member.
Scroll up to literally everything I've discussed. Baseball dresses like a degenerate high schooler, his events encourage more degenerate behavior. He throws a 90 MPH fastball and also has to hit that 90 MPH fastball. His nickname is the "boy of summer". His sport is super chill and kind of relaxing most of the time. All of these reasons make him super arrogant. And deservingly so.
As per the uber confident cleat chasers he pulls. Baseball is most likely to bring home the girl that equal parts sinner, and equal parts saint. Meaning she hangs out with a bunch of saints, but is probably the group rebel. And just so we're clear, baseball's girl is the only sport's girl that has friends for all the other members of the wolfpack that are cool and want to hang out... Even football can't argue that baseball hangs out with the coolest girls.
So there it is sports fans, if the wolfpack were the cast of Entourage, Baseball is definitely Vinny Chase... or maybe he's Johnny. Retract that statement, I'm not sure. But either way, he's the best bro in the wolfpack to do all bro things with.
Follow me on twitter @thetennisbro to discuss baseball's opening day, the wolfpack or any other cool stuff. Thanks to my buddy Chase for his tennis bro video. You should all like and subscribe to his channel.
The next edition will be baseball's least compatible bro, the Lax Bro, bro.
A bro above all
Billy Stein ~ The Tennis Bro
Monday, March 25, 2013
If Sports Were Bros: Part 2 Basketball
How's it going, bros?
In the spirit of March Madness and the Sweet 16, let's talk about the next member of best friends Wolfpack, basketball.
Football's natural rival in the group, basketball prides itself on being bigger then the other bros in the group. Rather then use its size as a tool; a definition that could be modified in several ways, basketball uses its extra body space to be friendlier and develop way more man crushes. Have you ever watched Dwight Howard and Lebron James shake hands at the end of a game?
Because basketball is so big and uses its size for forces of good instead of evil, football despises basketball. This is the only rivalry within the wolfpack that may actually bring out physical altercation. Sometimes we all call chairs "Top Turnbuckles" and jump off of them to elbow drop our sleeping friends that sought refuge in a sleeping back in a buddy's vacant guest bedroom #TennisBro. However, this is the only sort of rivalry that evokes MMA and other douche bag re-enactments with the intent of malice. Let's be real, this is all football's fault. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Basketball doesn't dress as well as the Lax Bro or the Golf Bro, but does have a sense of style. It's the only one in the group that can make hipster frames and sweater vests look cool, and what's more, it knows it.
When at the party, basketball may not be the very best at all drinking games, but definitely is a contender in all of them. This bro is probably not the anchor on the flip cup team or a quarters all star, but is an undefeatable, table-running, last-cup-knocking-down machine in beer pong.
While in social situations, basketball is the least reclusive member of the wolfpack. Very seldom does he stay within the group and discuss what happened on Monday Night RAW; even though he should. Basketball is going to approach ladies using cunning, understated slick moves and put on a show on the dance floor. Unlike the baseball and football bros, There is no blue jeans grinding on some stranger; this is all real dance moves.
Basketball is the best athlete in the group, hands down. He's the same size of, or bigger then the premiere football has to offer, and moves just as fast. Basketball plays at the speed of soccer bro with the precision of tennis. He's not as methodical as golf bro; the enemy of tennis, but he plays on the hardest surface there is for a full contact.
SIDE NOTE: It is full contact, despite a set of rules begrudging the idea of it. Football hates that refs call penalties for things like charges and moving picks. How could anyone not like to full retard?
This bro is most likely in the group to pull a girl that is just flat out way too small for him. Hard not be smaller then a basketball player, that much is a fact. But contrary to football who likes them starting at 5'7", basketball likes them around 5'2". Something about being 2 full feet taller then your partner, really does it for me. These girls may not be so quick on the gas to jump up on the bar and dance to Def Leopard music, but they will play pool basketball with you, and they will shoot from anywhere and rub it in your face when you don't play well.
In his down time he shops on finishline.com and watches The Dream Team like a thousand times. Basketball's bros consider him to be among the most stand up dudes in the wolfpack. Basketball's overall ability to be awesome and be a loyal dude gives him some tip top status in the wolfpack.
Next Time I will be discussing everyone's favorite bro in the group to pull pranks on football bro and golf douche. I am, of course, talking about baseball.
Follow me on twitter @TheTennisBro to talk basketball, March Madness or anything else kick ass.
A Bro Above All
Billy Stein ~ The Tennis Bro
In the spirit of March Madness and the Sweet 16, let's talk about the next member of best friends Wolfpack, basketball.
Football's natural rival in the group, basketball prides itself on being bigger then the other bros in the group. Rather then use its size as a tool; a definition that could be modified in several ways, basketball uses its extra body space to be friendlier and develop way more man crushes. Have you ever watched Dwight Howard and Lebron James shake hands at the end of a game?
Because basketball is so big and uses its size for forces of good instead of evil, football despises basketball. This is the only rivalry within the wolfpack that may actually bring out physical altercation. Sometimes we all call chairs "Top Turnbuckles" and jump off of them to elbow drop our sleeping friends that sought refuge in a sleeping back in a buddy's vacant guest bedroom #TennisBro. However, this is the only sort of rivalry that evokes MMA and other douche bag re-enactments with the intent of malice. Let's be real, this is all football's fault. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Basketball doesn't dress as well as the Lax Bro or the Golf Bro, but does have a sense of style. It's the only one in the group that can make hipster frames and sweater vests look cool, and what's more, it knows it.
When at the party, basketball may not be the very best at all drinking games, but definitely is a contender in all of them. This bro is probably not the anchor on the flip cup team or a quarters all star, but is an undefeatable, table-running, last-cup-knocking-down machine in beer pong.
While in social situations, basketball is the least reclusive member of the wolfpack. Very seldom does he stay within the group and discuss what happened on Monday Night RAW; even though he should. Basketball is going to approach ladies using cunning, understated slick moves and put on a show on the dance floor. Unlike the baseball and football bros, There is no blue jeans grinding on some stranger; this is all real dance moves.
Basketball is the best athlete in the group, hands down. He's the same size of, or bigger then the premiere football has to offer, and moves just as fast. Basketball plays at the speed of soccer bro with the precision of tennis. He's not as methodical as golf bro; the enemy of tennis, but he plays on the hardest surface there is for a full contact.
SIDE NOTE: It is full contact, despite a set of rules begrudging the idea of it. Football hates that refs call penalties for things like charges and moving picks. How could anyone not like to full retard?
This bro is most likely in the group to pull a girl that is just flat out way too small for him. Hard not be smaller then a basketball player, that much is a fact. But contrary to football who likes them starting at 5'7", basketball likes them around 5'2". Something about being 2 full feet taller then your partner, really does it for me. These girls may not be so quick on the gas to jump up on the bar and dance to Def Leopard music, but they will play pool basketball with you, and they will shoot from anywhere and rub it in your face when you don't play well.
In his down time he shops on finishline.com and watches The Dream Team like a thousand times. Basketball's bros consider him to be among the most stand up dudes in the wolfpack. Basketball's overall ability to be awesome and be a loyal dude gives him some tip top status in the wolfpack.
Next Time I will be discussing everyone's favorite bro in the group to pull pranks on football bro and golf douche. I am, of course, talking about baseball.
Follow me on twitter @TheTennisBro to talk basketball, March Madness or anything else kick ass.
A Bro Above All
Billy Stein ~ The Tennis Bro
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
If Sports Were Bros: Part 1 Football
How's it going bros?
Consider this hypothetical:
What if all the sports were a group of buddies? American football and Futbol are just dropping some F-Bombs and playing XBOX. Hockey and Baseball are taking a Dip together. The Lax Bro is sipping on Golf Bro's father's 30 year old scotch and smoking cohibas. Meanwhile I'm upstairs helping Basketball's sister pick out which lingerie she should wear #TennisBro.
In this situational society, let's call it every guy ever's 20's, these bros all hang out. They go to the bars together, drink beer from a plastic neon funnel purchased at a convenience shop near a beach and they chase girls together. This is what each sport would be like.
Let's Start with bro Number 1: American Football.
Football takes 2 scoops of protein shake after every workout because the suggested 1 scoop on the label is for the meek and doesn't alter, in any way, his freakish body. It's not narcissism, it's the confidence to keep up with the grind. You better believe that's diet club soda in my mixed drink, gotta keep the weapon sharp... You know, the weapon that is my pristine muscular body. Believes football is the divine sport chosen for the best athletes in the world, how else could they move themselves around so fast at their size? That's why they need the pads, because they're so badass. The thought of any other sport having better athletes is simply ludicrous.
Football will definitely make fun of anyone jogging laps around the track because endurance is for pussies. It's all about speed and hugeness, bros. Do they clock the mile jog at the combine? I think not. And are you doing 3 sets of 15 with light weight on bench press? What in the world, your biceps will never burst out of your sleeves by lifting light weight a whole bunch of times.
Here's a thought, who wins a fight between the small and skilled Shaolin Monk and the larger and more intimidating looking Roman Legionary? Answer: VIKING.
Football uses the term "Back in the day" liberally. His bros will be reminded of his accomplishments some time ago because they need to be. How else would you know how awesome the sport is? Back in the day I was so awesome I had like 20 scholarship offers, but why lose weight and change positions when I could be a 4 year starter at drinking beer, right bros?
Also, all the bitches want a piece of football. Football goes to the bar, not to find ladies, heck no, but so the ladies can find football. He's so big and awesome, why wouldn't they all want on him?
This guy is most likely to talk a HUGE game and not back it up. Probably most likely to get into a rumble with someone else and win too. When basketball starts a scrap, football finishes it. Despite the two being the biggest rivals within the wolfpack.
As per the lady football brings home. More then likely, she'll have >0 but <5 cosmetic discrepancies since her 16th birthday. If I had to guess, probably some platinum blonde hair, a tattoo somewhere near her belt line; My money is on a butterfly or 4-leaf clover, maybe even a queen of hearts... All this among other ordeals only suited for the self-proclaimed alpha male of the wolfpack, football.
Coming up in part 2 is going to be basketball and it's place in the group.
Follow me on twitter @thetennisbro to discuss sports, and wolfpacks and pretty much anything else awesome.
A Bro Above All
Billy Stein ~ The Tennis Bro
Consider this hypothetical:
What if all the sports were a group of buddies? American football and Futbol are just dropping some F-Bombs and playing XBOX. Hockey and Baseball are taking a Dip together. The Lax Bro is sipping on Golf Bro's father's 30 year old scotch and smoking cohibas. Meanwhile I'm upstairs helping Basketball's sister pick out which lingerie she should wear #TennisBro.
In this situational society, let's call it every guy ever's 20's, these bros all hang out. They go to the bars together, drink beer from a plastic neon funnel purchased at a convenience shop near a beach and they chase girls together. This is what each sport would be like.
Let's Start with bro Number 1: American Football.
Football takes 2 scoops of protein shake after every workout because the suggested 1 scoop on the label is for the meek and doesn't alter, in any way, his freakish body. It's not narcissism, it's the confidence to keep up with the grind. You better believe that's diet club soda in my mixed drink, gotta keep the weapon sharp... You know, the weapon that is my pristine muscular body. Believes football is the divine sport chosen for the best athletes in the world, how else could they move themselves around so fast at their size? That's why they need the pads, because they're so badass. The thought of any other sport having better athletes is simply ludicrous.
Football will definitely make fun of anyone jogging laps around the track because endurance is for pussies. It's all about speed and hugeness, bros. Do they clock the mile jog at the combine? I think not. And are you doing 3 sets of 15 with light weight on bench press? What in the world, your biceps will never burst out of your sleeves by lifting light weight a whole bunch of times.
Here's a thought, who wins a fight between the small and skilled Shaolin Monk and the larger and more intimidating looking Roman Legionary? Answer: VIKING.
Football uses the term "Back in the day" liberally. His bros will be reminded of his accomplishments some time ago because they need to be. How else would you know how awesome the sport is? Back in the day I was so awesome I had like 20 scholarship offers, but why lose weight and change positions when I could be a 4 year starter at drinking beer, right bros?
Also, all the bitches want a piece of football. Football goes to the bar, not to find ladies, heck no, but so the ladies can find football. He's so big and awesome, why wouldn't they all want on him?
This guy is most likely to talk a HUGE game and not back it up. Probably most likely to get into a rumble with someone else and win too. When basketball starts a scrap, football finishes it. Despite the two being the biggest rivals within the wolfpack.
As per the lady football brings home. More then likely, she'll have >0 but <5 cosmetic discrepancies since her 16th birthday. If I had to guess, probably some platinum blonde hair, a tattoo somewhere near her belt line; My money is on a butterfly or 4-leaf clover, maybe even a queen of hearts... All this among other ordeals only suited for the self-proclaimed alpha male of the wolfpack, football.
Coming up in part 2 is going to be basketball and it's place in the group.
Follow me on twitter @thetennisbro to discuss sports, and wolfpacks and pretty much anything else awesome.
A Bro Above All
Billy Stein ~ The Tennis Bro
Sunday, March 17, 2013
The Kick Back
Whats up bros?
It has been a groovy weekend in sports for me. It was a killer weekend in general, but I feel like the deities that preside on the sports Mount Olympus heard my cry for help and opted for a little divine intervention.
If you follow along through the Tennis Bro archives, you'll know that I am a graduate of the University of Mississippi... Yes that one, that cured HIV. I also cheer for Manchester United, The Miami Heat...
SIDE NOTE: I have been a Heat fan since 2003. That year the Charlotte Hornets, the first and only, professional franchise I ever loved, left my city of birth to go to New Orleans. I was left with 2 choices, hold basketball to the same pedestal I hold the NHL (bro ass sport, teams-wise I do not care) or pick a new team. one of the originals, Alonzo Morning, was playing for the Heat and so my brother and I decided we should become Heat fans. I have been a fan for 2 NBA Titles. So don't give me any bandwagon smack.
I cheer for the Green Bay Packers, basically all professional tennis players, Randy Orton and Team USA. Here is a recap of how my sports teams did this weekend.
- Manchester United 1 Reading 0.
-Ole Miss baseball takes 2/3 from very good Arkansas team
-Miami Heat 22 straight wins
-Ole Miss basketball SEC Champs
-Rafael Nadal beats Juan Martin Del Potro in BNP Paribas Finale.
Which is where my polytheistic belief of the gods of sports comes in. Here's a quick recap of the match and what it means moving forward for tennis.
Ready?
Set?
BRO
Rafa got a very early break in the first set. His strokes have been so hot this week I can feel them 2000 miles away in Mississippi. However, his break did not last long as Del Po broke him and then again to take the first set 6-4.
Rafa then worked him in the second set to win it 6-4 then got an early break in the 3rd and sat on the lead to win it 6-4.
Here's what we take out of this match.
1. Awesome storyline that Rafa, on a hard court wins a final against a hot Del Po.
2. Nadal pulled out of Miami, meaning all of his accomplishments this week came at a price. He was either correct when he said his knee was not 100% coming into the tournament and played and won anyway. OR he was feeling great and grinded himself down to the point where he was in so much pain he would rather take the 1,000 points which may or may not be enough to jump Ferrer to move back to 4 in the world and wants to go home and chill prior to the clay court season. In either event, its a strong showing to win a Masters event, its another to do it while hurt.
3. The Del Po/Pope story is A awesome and B Definitely fitting in this triumphant week for Argentina. Kind of a cool kicker for the guy and for the press.
4. I wanted Del Po to win. It was not because of any misinformed beef I have with Nadal or me being sick of his come back; it's not even because his name rhymes with the word bro. Which is about as cool as any name gets. The simple fact of this perfect final is laid out simply. It took Nadal 7 months to recover from his knee injury and get back into the kind of form to win tournaments. It took Del Potro almost 2 full years to recover from his wrist injury and get back into top form. He is a guy who should have been in the fold all along. Tennis really ought to have a big 5. Had his luck been different, given his capabilities, Del Po could have some of the trophies possessed by Djokovic, Federer and Murray. The day he gets back to a semi final of a Major and has a real chance to win some hardware, is a good redemption day for tennis.
5. Nadal only had a little yellow in his kit, and Del Po had none. So hopefully that atom bomb of a disaster is finally over.
6. I just love how Wozniacki was villafied for so long when she was the number 1 player in the world without a major title based on the points system laid out by the WTA. She falls out of form and makes the Indian Wells final and became the media's sweetheart down the stretch. Totally not Rory-related at all... derp. Funny how the press works sometimes. #Nonsequitur
Now for a quick reflection on the BNP Paribas are The Only Words That Matter with Harley Babeslayer.
I hate Nadal like I hate every idiot with an Irish name in this country that thinks St. Paddy's day is some sort of plus-1 4th of July. The 2 go hand in hand on a day like today. They both wore green and they both suck.
I have lost 4 times to Nadal, but I've gone back to consider each match and here's what happened: The Tennis Bro sucks. Had he just had a normal functioning brain this would have been beat down city. I hit harder then that s*** sniffer Chris Brown did Rihanna. I get no respect. You can't see me when I'm clubbing balls. I'm like a seal poacher just serving up $$$. I've never played Del Po; those jockeys at EA Sports haven't allowed our paths to cross just yet. I reckon I would go full beast mode on him though. Not even The Pope can save him from that ass stomping.
Del Potro is kind of like me, only not as good. He's big but he's skinny. He hits hard but doesn't have the grit to be an alpha male out there. What I'm trying to say is that I am like the Marshall Tucker Band of offensive baseliners out there. He's really something more of Skrillex or some weird techno stuff that sucks. It would not have taken me 5 sets to beat That old suckass Federer that day.
If the Tomato Bruiser, Harley Babeslayer misses out on the SONY Erickson now that that creepo wimp Nadal is missing it, I will go full on Patrick Bateman on someone. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a March Madness bracket to complete. Follow me on twitter you suck buckets @HBabeslayer
A Bro Above All
Billy Stein ~ The Tennis Bro
Serving Up $$$$
Harley Babeslayer ~ Professional Tennis Player
It has been a groovy weekend in sports for me. It was a killer weekend in general, but I feel like the deities that preside on the sports Mount Olympus heard my cry for help and opted for a little divine intervention.
If you follow along through the Tennis Bro archives, you'll know that I am a graduate of the University of Mississippi... Yes that one, that cured HIV. I also cheer for Manchester United, The Miami Heat...
SIDE NOTE: I have been a Heat fan since 2003. That year the Charlotte Hornets, the first and only, professional franchise I ever loved, left my city of birth to go to New Orleans. I was left with 2 choices, hold basketball to the same pedestal I hold the NHL (bro ass sport, teams-wise I do not care) or pick a new team. one of the originals, Alonzo Morning, was playing for the Heat and so my brother and I decided we should become Heat fans. I have been a fan for 2 NBA Titles. So don't give me any bandwagon smack.
I cheer for the Green Bay Packers, basically all professional tennis players, Randy Orton and Team USA. Here is a recap of how my sports teams did this weekend.
- Manchester United 1 Reading 0.
-Ole Miss baseball takes 2/3 from very good Arkansas team
-Miami Heat 22 straight wins
-Ole Miss basketball SEC Champs
-Rafael Nadal beats Juan Martin Del Potro in BNP Paribas Finale.
Which is where my polytheistic belief of the gods of sports comes in. Here's a quick recap of the match and what it means moving forward for tennis.
Ready?
Set?
BRO
Rafa got a very early break in the first set. His strokes have been so hot this week I can feel them 2000 miles away in Mississippi. However, his break did not last long as Del Po broke him and then again to take the first set 6-4.
Rafa then worked him in the second set to win it 6-4 then got an early break in the 3rd and sat on the lead to win it 6-4.
Here's what we take out of this match.
1. Awesome storyline that Rafa, on a hard court wins a final against a hot Del Po.
2. Nadal pulled out of Miami, meaning all of his accomplishments this week came at a price. He was either correct when he said his knee was not 100% coming into the tournament and played and won anyway. OR he was feeling great and grinded himself down to the point where he was in so much pain he would rather take the 1,000 points which may or may not be enough to jump Ferrer to move back to 4 in the world and wants to go home and chill prior to the clay court season. In either event, its a strong showing to win a Masters event, its another to do it while hurt.
3. The Del Po/Pope story is A awesome and B Definitely fitting in this triumphant week for Argentina. Kind of a cool kicker for the guy and for the press.
4. I wanted Del Po to win. It was not because of any misinformed beef I have with Nadal or me being sick of his come back; it's not even because his name rhymes with the word bro. Which is about as cool as any name gets. The simple fact of this perfect final is laid out simply. It took Nadal 7 months to recover from his knee injury and get back into the kind of form to win tournaments. It took Del Potro almost 2 full years to recover from his wrist injury and get back into top form. He is a guy who should have been in the fold all along. Tennis really ought to have a big 5. Had his luck been different, given his capabilities, Del Po could have some of the trophies possessed by Djokovic, Federer and Murray. The day he gets back to a semi final of a Major and has a real chance to win some hardware, is a good redemption day for tennis.
5. Nadal only had a little yellow in his kit, and Del Po had none. So hopefully that atom bomb of a disaster is finally over.
6. I just love how Wozniacki was villafied for so long when she was the number 1 player in the world without a major title based on the points system laid out by the WTA. She falls out of form and makes the Indian Wells final and became the media's sweetheart down the stretch. Totally not Rory-related at all... derp. Funny how the press works sometimes. #Nonsequitur
Now for a quick reflection on the BNP Paribas are The Only Words That Matter with Harley Babeslayer.
I hate Nadal like I hate every idiot with an Irish name in this country that thinks St. Paddy's day is some sort of plus-1 4th of July. The 2 go hand in hand on a day like today. They both wore green and they both suck.
I have lost 4 times to Nadal, but I've gone back to consider each match and here's what happened: The Tennis Bro sucks. Had he just had a normal functioning brain this would have been beat down city. I hit harder then that s*** sniffer Chris Brown did Rihanna. I get no respect. You can't see me when I'm clubbing balls. I'm like a seal poacher just serving up $$$. I've never played Del Po; those jockeys at EA Sports haven't allowed our paths to cross just yet. I reckon I would go full beast mode on him though. Not even The Pope can save him from that ass stomping.
Del Potro is kind of like me, only not as good. He's big but he's skinny. He hits hard but doesn't have the grit to be an alpha male out there. What I'm trying to say is that I am like the Marshall Tucker Band of offensive baseliners out there. He's really something more of Skrillex or some weird techno stuff that sucks. It would not have taken me 5 sets to beat That old suckass Federer that day.
If the Tomato Bruiser, Harley Babeslayer misses out on the SONY Erickson now that that creepo wimp Nadal is missing it, I will go full on Patrick Bateman on someone. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a March Madness bracket to complete. Follow me on twitter you suck buckets @HBabeslayer
A Bro Above All
Billy Stein ~ The Tennis Bro
Serving Up $$$$
Harley Babeslayer ~ Professional Tennis Player
Thursday, March 14, 2013
The 2013 Season and Other Stuff That Sucks
How's it going bros?
In lieu of us reaching the quarter finals at Indian Wells I would like to take a minute and reflect on the lifeless start to the 2013 season on the ATP World Tour.
This year has started without any really epic story lines. Sure Djokovic kept his kingpin status at the Aussie Open this year; as brilliantly predicted by me, verbatim of how it happened #TennisBro. Nothing beyond that has been super memorable. All we can really say up to this point, is thank heaven the NHL exists providing us sports-related laughs that aren't our own.
Ok bros, I'm going to jog your memory of the young 2013 ATP tennis season, these are only the majority of the reasons I've previously discussed with that other guy I let share my office in between trolling all the bikini pics on my facebook newsfeed college girls keep happily posting. Keep up the good work ladies.
Ready?
Set?
BRO
1. I've touched on this several times before, and I promise this is the last time I'll harp on the internet about it, but, bros, the yellow project is a bust. Nike, adidas, even Djokovic's company, STOP DRESSING PLAYERS IN TAXI CAB YELLOW. This is just one more reason for me to flip the channel when 2 dudes I've never given a rat's ass enough about to watch before are playing in some antiquated 500-level final that interferes with all the top dog's spring break plans. You find me a player on tour, right now, who doesn't have yellow in their kit and I promise you I will buy you an ice cream cone... Maybe even give you a hug.
SIDE NOTE: I am wearing a yellow sweater as I type this. Seems hypocritical, I accept that criticism. But this thing is pimp as hell and goes perfectly with my 'dirty old man' wardrobe I've arranged for myself.
2. Rafa's return from a 7 month hiatus has been pretty successful. He's made the finals of every tournament he's played and has looked like shades of his old self and Indian Wells. However, the tournaments he's been playing in Latin America are so lowly that his counterparts are mostly no names. Let me clear 1 thing up, if I were a brofessional tennis player, I would only play those kinds of tournaments. Smack some yellow balls then go clown on the beach the rest of the day. Maybe scope the babes out. It is hard to believe the most fabled match is Rafa/Fed in the IW Quarters.
3. Djoker, Fed, Murray are just resting in the leaves right now. Their game is tight and I'd bet the Kardashian clan contributes something useful to society before a major title falls out of those 3 + Rafa. It may just be boredom, last year saw so much variety at the top, I think all tennis fans are just thirsty for more anarchy. Unfortunately the old guard is so head-and-shoulders above the whole rest of the field right now that they can skate by on keeping their tournament entries below 25 each season.
4. Ferrer, Tsonga, Del Potro, Berdych. Bros, if you're going to be anything other then the other guys with a ton of points, make a move at a major. Rafa is banged up, Fed is 183 years old and Murray/Djokovic are so wildly successful even they could get blindsided.
5. No name guys who win tournaments, back up your 250-level triumph by making a splash in an event that Pico Monaco isn't the number 1 seed in.
6. Americans: Isner-injured, Fish-recovering form injury, Querrey-on the path to top form after injury... notice any trends at the top? Sock-injury prone. Ryan Harrison has been on tour so long I forget he's only 20. I truly believe he will be the kind of guy who can compete and win at the highest level, but it won't fall his way until he gets out of the pattern of having to play the Nadal's, Djokovic's and Federer's of the world before the 3rd round of tournaments. The only way he will do so is to upset one of them in a tournament one of these days and rack up some rankings points.
Per the future, I'm high on Jack Sock and Christian Harrison. Denis Kudla is a wild card along with Donald Young and his confidence carousel. Steve Johnson went full beast mode at the open. I would not mind seeing my classmate and doubles super freak Devin Britton bust out and shock some people.
7. Time to pick up the level of play Dolgopolov and Tomic. You two serve as the best chance tennis is going to have some sort of badass in the future; something you'll want to cash in on.
I could actually do this for a whole lot longer but I have another thing that's really grinding my gears right now. Recently I tried figuring out a way to make a tennis racquet exponentially more kickass by using it as a drinking apparatus.
Having spoken to my good buddy Chase, who you should check out on twitter @Chase_Aertker. We decided we should just film it and make something epic we add to his budding and awesome youtube channel. So I did. Let me walk you through the process.
Friday March 8, 2013
8:00 am- Take 2 Budweisers out of fridge and let sit at room temperature; terrible dumb idea.
8:30 am- Purchase Gorilla Tape at CVS Pharmacy because it sounds more badass then standard duct tape.
4:30 pm- Gorilla Tape Budweiser cans to back up racquet. Taping 1 across racquet face and one on bottom of handle. Learn that no matter how tight the Gorilla Tape is wrapped, it is impossible to make look not crinkly.
4:45 pm- Take picture with warm beers taped to back up racquet.
4:46 pm- Chug.
It took 32 seconds all total. The first beer went down ok actually. A little slow to start, but no worries. The second beer was an issue, though. After 1 or two gulps of warm cheap beer it went down like an Amtrak train. I won't lie to y'all when I say chugging beers if no specialty of mine, but that 2nd beer was like trying to swallow a German U-Boat; That's what she said.
Worse then anything, Chase made an awesome video. AND CUT ME OUT OF THE WHOLE FREAKIN' THING. The first racquet chug experience was just as big a flop as the start of the season has been from a fan's perspective. However, the video is pretty awesome.
Harley Babeslayer even has a few words to offer on the season, those being The Only Words That Matter.
You neglected to put the Franchise Boy on the future of American tennis. The Tennis Bro really is a booger-eating ass hole. Place an asterisk on every tournament played this year because these jockeys haven't had to play the B man and watch me serve up $$$ all over their s***. Put me in that yellow he keeps bitching about and I'll still ball out on all of those chumps on tour.
As per that video, the "Racquet Chug", Tennis Bro, seriously shoot yourself. That has to be some of the worst beer chugging I have ever seen. I could throw at least 4 beers down and lick the froth clean off of my mustache before you even get through 2. You're complaining about Budwesier being warm and not tasting okay? WTF? Don't all soccer hooligans drink the heavy stuff warm? At least that's what Eurotrip makes it look like. God bless those idiot morons watching soccer and not the Babeslayer.
Serena Williams and I had a 'FROdown last night on the courts in Dubai. Babeslayer 6-2, 6-1. I let her have those 3. The trick to this tour, let the ladies who have reputations of running shop have a couple of games on their serve. Do I actually feel like chasing her wide serves? Hell no. Just put that weak s*** right in my smash zone and watch the $$$$ explode.
I've had enough of this. All of you jockeys follow me on twitter @HBabeslayer for the best tennis commentary coming straight from a professional.
Enjoy the viewing, follow me on twitter @thetennisbro to talk anything tennis-related.
A Bro Above All
Billy Stein ~ The Tennis Bro
Screw This Blog and The Tennis Bro's pretty pink shorts
Harley Babeslayer ~ Professional Tennis Player.
In lieu of us reaching the quarter finals at Indian Wells I would like to take a minute and reflect on the lifeless start to the 2013 season on the ATP World Tour.
This year has started without any really epic story lines. Sure Djokovic kept his kingpin status at the Aussie Open this year; as brilliantly predicted by me, verbatim of how it happened #TennisBro. Nothing beyond that has been super memorable. All we can really say up to this point, is thank heaven the NHL exists providing us sports-related laughs that aren't our own.
Ok bros, I'm going to jog your memory of the young 2013 ATP tennis season, these are only the majority of the reasons I've previously discussed with that other guy I let share my office in between trolling all the bikini pics on my facebook newsfeed college girls keep happily posting. Keep up the good work ladies.
Ready?
Set?
BRO
1. I've touched on this several times before, and I promise this is the last time I'll harp on the internet about it, but, bros, the yellow project is a bust. Nike, adidas, even Djokovic's company, STOP DRESSING PLAYERS IN TAXI CAB YELLOW. This is just one more reason for me to flip the channel when 2 dudes I've never given a rat's ass enough about to watch before are playing in some antiquated 500-level final that interferes with all the top dog's spring break plans. You find me a player on tour, right now, who doesn't have yellow in their kit and I promise you I will buy you an ice cream cone... Maybe even give you a hug.
SIDE NOTE: I am wearing a yellow sweater as I type this. Seems hypocritical, I accept that criticism. But this thing is pimp as hell and goes perfectly with my 'dirty old man' wardrobe I've arranged for myself.
2. Rafa's return from a 7 month hiatus has been pretty successful. He's made the finals of every tournament he's played and has looked like shades of his old self and Indian Wells. However, the tournaments he's been playing in Latin America are so lowly that his counterparts are mostly no names. Let me clear 1 thing up, if I were a brofessional tennis player, I would only play those kinds of tournaments. Smack some yellow balls then go clown on the beach the rest of the day. Maybe scope the babes out. It is hard to believe the most fabled match is Rafa/Fed in the IW Quarters.
3. Djoker, Fed, Murray are just resting in the leaves right now. Their game is tight and I'd bet the Kardashian clan contributes something useful to society before a major title falls out of those 3 + Rafa. It may just be boredom, last year saw so much variety at the top, I think all tennis fans are just thirsty for more anarchy. Unfortunately the old guard is so head-and-shoulders above the whole rest of the field right now that they can skate by on keeping their tournament entries below 25 each season.
4. Ferrer, Tsonga, Del Potro, Berdych. Bros, if you're going to be anything other then the other guys with a ton of points, make a move at a major. Rafa is banged up, Fed is 183 years old and Murray/Djokovic are so wildly successful even they could get blindsided.
5. No name guys who win tournaments, back up your 250-level triumph by making a splash in an event that Pico Monaco isn't the number 1 seed in.
6. Americans: Isner-injured, Fish-recovering form injury, Querrey-on the path to top form after injury... notice any trends at the top? Sock-injury prone. Ryan Harrison has been on tour so long I forget he's only 20. I truly believe he will be the kind of guy who can compete and win at the highest level, but it won't fall his way until he gets out of the pattern of having to play the Nadal's, Djokovic's and Federer's of the world before the 3rd round of tournaments. The only way he will do so is to upset one of them in a tournament one of these days and rack up some rankings points.
Per the future, I'm high on Jack Sock and Christian Harrison. Denis Kudla is a wild card along with Donald Young and his confidence carousel. Steve Johnson went full beast mode at the open. I would not mind seeing my classmate and doubles super freak Devin Britton bust out and shock some people.
7. Time to pick up the level of play Dolgopolov and Tomic. You two serve as the best chance tennis is going to have some sort of badass in the future; something you'll want to cash in on.
I could actually do this for a whole lot longer but I have another thing that's really grinding my gears right now. Recently I tried figuring out a way to make a tennis racquet exponentially more kickass by using it as a drinking apparatus.
Having spoken to my good buddy Chase, who you should check out on twitter @Chase_Aertker. We decided we should just film it and make something epic we add to his budding and awesome youtube channel. So I did. Let me walk you through the process.
Friday March 8, 2013
8:00 am- Take 2 Budweisers out of fridge and let sit at room temperature; terrible dumb idea.
8:30 am- Purchase Gorilla Tape at CVS Pharmacy because it sounds more badass then standard duct tape.
4:30 pm- Gorilla Tape Budweiser cans to back up racquet. Taping 1 across racquet face and one on bottom of handle. Learn that no matter how tight the Gorilla Tape is wrapped, it is impossible to make look not crinkly.
4:45 pm- Take picture with warm beers taped to back up racquet.
4:46 pm- Chug.
It took 32 seconds all total. The first beer went down ok actually. A little slow to start, but no worries. The second beer was an issue, though. After 1 or two gulps of warm cheap beer it went down like an Amtrak train. I won't lie to y'all when I say chugging beers if no specialty of mine, but that 2nd beer was like trying to swallow a German U-Boat; That's what she said.
Worse then anything, Chase made an awesome video. AND CUT ME OUT OF THE WHOLE FREAKIN' THING. The first racquet chug experience was just as big a flop as the start of the season has been from a fan's perspective. However, the video is pretty awesome.
Harley Babeslayer even has a few words to offer on the season, those being The Only Words That Matter.
You neglected to put the Franchise Boy on the future of American tennis. The Tennis Bro really is a booger-eating ass hole. Place an asterisk on every tournament played this year because these jockeys haven't had to play the B man and watch me serve up $$$ all over their s***. Put me in that yellow he keeps bitching about and I'll still ball out on all of those chumps on tour.
As per that video, the "Racquet Chug", Tennis Bro, seriously shoot yourself. That has to be some of the worst beer chugging I have ever seen. I could throw at least 4 beers down and lick the froth clean off of my mustache before you even get through 2. You're complaining about Budwesier being warm and not tasting okay? WTF? Don't all soccer hooligans drink the heavy stuff warm? At least that's what Eurotrip makes it look like. God bless those idiot morons watching soccer and not the Babeslayer.
Serena Williams and I had a 'FROdown last night on the courts in Dubai. Babeslayer 6-2, 6-1. I let her have those 3. The trick to this tour, let the ladies who have reputations of running shop have a couple of games on their serve. Do I actually feel like chasing her wide serves? Hell no. Just put that weak s*** right in my smash zone and watch the $$$$ explode.
I've had enough of this. All of you jockeys follow me on twitter @HBabeslayer for the best tennis commentary coming straight from a professional.
Enjoy the viewing, follow me on twitter @thetennisbro to talk anything tennis-related.
A Bro Above All
Billy Stein ~ The Tennis Bro
Screw This Blog and The Tennis Bro's pretty pink shorts
Harley Babeslayer ~ Professional Tennis Player.
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
Return of the BRO
I broke my own rule, bros.
I had said I was going to take 10 weeks off from swinging sticks to let my shoulder heal up. That plan made it what had to have been less than 2 weeks.
So I played a little bit of dubs last night. Where to begin on this disaster, how about the excruciating pain of warming up?
I played with some older folks last night. They aren't quite seniors or in the USTA's new 55 and older division, but some of them have kids older then me. It would come off as derogatory to call them old people, so I'll compromise and use Jordan as their descriptor.
SIDE NOTE: For those out there who don't know me personally, every time I do not recall someone's name when telling a story, I use the name "Jordan" and keep on telling it. In this case I only remember the name of 1 of the 3 other people on court any way, so Jordan is on point right now.
Jordans don't warm up... No seriously, they don't even play that small ball stuff I love so much prior to backing up to the baseline and hitting. They take like 1 minute of ground strokes and then just start playing. They don't even take serves.
I am going to spare you the details of my partner and I losing 5-7, 4-6 and just give you the highlights:
-Shoulder pain commences within the first 35 seconds of feeble excuse for a warm up.
-This shot was exchanged at least like 47 times
-On a court full of folks older then me, Justin Beiber was brought up more then the sequester or any other super adult stuff.
-We had a 4-2 lead in the first set that we managed to give away; though I'm pretty sure they jobbed us on scoring in the 7th game, that ad was ours and then they called a bad line. Scum.
-I learned a Big Lots credit card only has to be paid off once a year #advertising.
-Serving hurt my shoulder
-forehand volleys hurt my shoulder
-Drinking water hurt my shoulder
-My partner told the desk folk at the members only club in which I belong that I just came to watch... I had 2 racquets in my hand.
-I had 4 separate games serving up 40-15.
-I held 0 of my 6 serving games. Maybe we'd have won if I were relevant and not mediocre. But then this would be the ballad of and average tennis player.
I was hoping to get to tell y'all all about my triumphant return to the court; maybe narrated by that guy from NFL films. However, it seems more appropriate that if I must tell the world about my tennis exploits, that they be shortcomings.
Interestingly enough, My left hand man has some words about my none-to-glorious comeback. So with the Only Words That Matter, here's Harley Babeslayer's commentary.
First of all, Billy, no one cares about you losing some stupid pick up match against a bunch of old people whose names you don't remember. Seriously, who reads this guy? More importantly I want some words with the BNP Paribas f***ers in California.
Where was the Babeslayer's invite? Trust fund baby Gulbis is doing work this year against all those jockeys his lucky ass is getting paired up against. How did I get passed on? I won 6 matches in a row against Xbox Live's best European competitors. Do I even need to elaborate on what kind of a feet that is? My second serves are coming in at 130. The $$$$$$$ is flying in these parts.
David Ferrer, out. Pico Monaco, out. Janko whatever his name is, out. Next year world rankings oughta be ignored and the man with the golden star power stick should be put in the spot light. He's ready. You see the 'stache and fro? Its is hard to be such an unstoppable force on court and look this good.
Also, Johnny Mac, I hear you talking smack about my s*** when I'm on court. I'll take you on any surface. I am talking about a FROdown, you vs. me, any time. best of 3 short sets. Winner gets Digital Sharapova.
Anyway if you jockeys are on twitter, you can find me @HBabeslayer. Now if you'll excuse me, I have better stuff to be doing then talking to you suck asses.
Always a charmer, Harley. Get at me on twitter @TheTennisBro for any tennis or subject discussion.
A Bro Above All
Billy Stein ~ The Tennis Bro
I hope the tennis bro gets the 'zuma, that'll shut him up.
Harley Babeslayer ~ Professional Tennis Player
I had said I was going to take 10 weeks off from swinging sticks to let my shoulder heal up. That plan made it what had to have been less than 2 weeks.
So I played a little bit of dubs last night. Where to begin on this disaster, how about the excruciating pain of warming up?
I played with some older folks last night. They aren't quite seniors or in the USTA's new 55 and older division, but some of them have kids older then me. It would come off as derogatory to call them old people, so I'll compromise and use Jordan as their descriptor.
SIDE NOTE: For those out there who don't know me personally, every time I do not recall someone's name when telling a story, I use the name "Jordan" and keep on telling it. In this case I only remember the name of 1 of the 3 other people on court any way, so Jordan is on point right now.
Jordans don't warm up... No seriously, they don't even play that small ball stuff I love so much prior to backing up to the baseline and hitting. They take like 1 minute of ground strokes and then just start playing. They don't even take serves.
I am going to spare you the details of my partner and I losing 5-7, 4-6 and just give you the highlights:
-Shoulder pain commences within the first 35 seconds of feeble excuse for a warm up.
-This shot was exchanged at least like 47 times
-On a court full of folks older then me, Justin Beiber was brought up more then the sequester or any other super adult stuff.
-We had a 4-2 lead in the first set that we managed to give away; though I'm pretty sure they jobbed us on scoring in the 7th game, that ad was ours and then they called a bad line. Scum.
-I learned a Big Lots credit card only has to be paid off once a year #advertising.
-Serving hurt my shoulder
-forehand volleys hurt my shoulder
-Drinking water hurt my shoulder
-My partner told the desk folk at the members only club in which I belong that I just came to watch... I had 2 racquets in my hand.
-I had 4 separate games serving up 40-15.
-I held 0 of my 6 serving games. Maybe we'd have won if I were relevant and not mediocre. But then this would be the ballad of and average tennis player.
I was hoping to get to tell y'all all about my triumphant return to the court; maybe narrated by that guy from NFL films. However, it seems more appropriate that if I must tell the world about my tennis exploits, that they be shortcomings.
Interestingly enough, My left hand man has some words about my none-to-glorious comeback. So with the Only Words That Matter, here's Harley Babeslayer's commentary.
First of all, Billy, no one cares about you losing some stupid pick up match against a bunch of old people whose names you don't remember. Seriously, who reads this guy? More importantly I want some words with the BNP Paribas f***ers in California.
Where was the Babeslayer's invite? Trust fund baby Gulbis is doing work this year against all those jockeys his lucky ass is getting paired up against. How did I get passed on? I won 6 matches in a row against Xbox Live's best European competitors. Do I even need to elaborate on what kind of a feet that is? My second serves are coming in at 130. The $$$$$$$ is flying in these parts.
David Ferrer, out. Pico Monaco, out. Janko whatever his name is, out. Next year world rankings oughta be ignored and the man with the golden star power stick should be put in the spot light. He's ready. You see the 'stache and fro? Its is hard to be such an unstoppable force on court and look this good.
Also, Johnny Mac, I hear you talking smack about my s*** when I'm on court. I'll take you on any surface. I am talking about a FROdown, you vs. me, any time. best of 3 short sets. Winner gets Digital Sharapova.
Anyway if you jockeys are on twitter, you can find me @HBabeslayer. Now if you'll excuse me, I have better stuff to be doing then talking to you suck asses.
Always a charmer, Harley. Get at me on twitter @TheTennisBro for any tennis or subject discussion.
A Bro Above All
Billy Stein ~ The Tennis Bro
I hope the tennis bro gets the 'zuma, that'll shut him up.
Harley Babeslayer ~ Professional Tennis Player
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
That is Blogworthy
How's it going bros?
Lately, I've noticed, every time I attempt to do something cool my friends ask me, are you going to add that to your blog? Are you going to blog about it? Will that make it in the blog?
Firstly, that's freakin' awesome that anybody reads this thing enough to hope that if I'm going to light a bag a dog dookie on fire and ring my weirdo neighbor's doorbell, it makes it on here. And when I do that to him, eventually, it will surely make it on the internet.
SIDE NOTE: Today is my brother Dan's, 26th birthday. I called him at 8:41 Mississippi time, which I think is like midnight last night California time. Tweet at him @2finestein to wish him the opposite of a happy birthday today.
We here at the tennis bro, and by we I mean me, and maybe the guy I let share my office, like to make lists. So here's a list of things I consider #blogworthy.
Ready?
Set?
BRO
1. Men's tennis distributors, enough yellow clothing. This trend does not look cool, in fact it's annoying. Here's a situation for you: You're watching a tennis match, both bros are testing the yellow section of the color wheel. You want to keep up with the fast-moving yellow ball, but oh wait you can't because the full yellow outfit is too distracting.
2. Are the Miami Heat ever going to lose again? They aren't just winning games, they're playing on a whole other level then the rest of the league right now. The sanctity of the movie Moneyball; a top 20 favorite of mine, is going to become highly questionable if the Heat keep winning. Like any kickass dude of a certain age, I used the streak as a platform to cast awesome unintentional political tweets.
3. My Alma Mater cured AIDS. I wouldn't actually write anything about this, but I'm just saying it happened... in Mississippi, playa.
4. At one point I won 4 matches in a row on xbox live using Harley Babeslayer.
5. Arantxa Rus is perfect. I could probably fill a notebook on that one.
6. Selfies are stupid and serve absolutely zero purpose unless you inherit some rocking aves from your pimp ass deceased grandpa. That face was ridiculous and not cool, and I'm ok with that. I'm not really sure if you're supposed to smile or pull a stupid face when taking a picture to show off your kick ass new frames.
7. @Chase_Aertker and I will be releasing a new video on the Bizaertker Channel in a few weeks that surely will be more entertaining then anything else you'll do in that short time span. #Spoiler
Just so we're clear, the whole point of this was to inform you that yellow tennis clothes suck, Arantxa Rus is a babe, selfies are not cool at all and my alma mater, not Harvard, cured HIV.
That felt so good I'm going to say it again, my alma mater, not Harvard, cured HIV.
A Bro Above All
Billy Stein ~ The Tennis Bro
Lately, I've noticed, every time I attempt to do something cool my friends ask me, are you going to add that to your blog? Are you going to blog about it? Will that make it in the blog?
Firstly, that's freakin' awesome that anybody reads this thing enough to hope that if I'm going to light a bag a dog dookie on fire and ring my weirdo neighbor's doorbell, it makes it on here. And when I do that to him, eventually, it will surely make it on the internet.
SIDE NOTE: Today is my brother Dan's, 26th birthday. I called him at 8:41 Mississippi time, which I think is like midnight last night California time. Tweet at him @2finestein to wish him the opposite of a happy birthday today.
We here at the tennis bro, and by we I mean me, and maybe the guy I let share my office, like to make lists. So here's a list of things I consider #blogworthy.
Ready?
Set?
BRO
1. Men's tennis distributors, enough yellow clothing. This trend does not look cool, in fact it's annoying. Here's a situation for you: You're watching a tennis match, both bros are testing the yellow section of the color wheel. You want to keep up with the fast-moving yellow ball, but oh wait you can't because the full yellow outfit is too distracting.
2. Are the Miami Heat ever going to lose again? They aren't just winning games, they're playing on a whole other level then the rest of the league right now. The sanctity of the movie Moneyball; a top 20 favorite of mine, is going to become highly questionable if the Heat keep winning. Like any kickass dude of a certain age, I used the streak as a platform to cast awesome unintentional political tweets.
3. My Alma Mater cured AIDS. I wouldn't actually write anything about this, but I'm just saying it happened... in Mississippi, playa.
4. At one point I won 4 matches in a row on xbox live using Harley Babeslayer.
5. Arantxa Rus is perfect. I could probably fill a notebook on that one.
6. Selfies are stupid and serve absolutely zero purpose unless you inherit some rocking aves from your pimp ass deceased grandpa. That face was ridiculous and not cool, and I'm ok with that. I'm not really sure if you're supposed to smile or pull a stupid face when taking a picture to show off your kick ass new frames.
7. @Chase_Aertker and I will be releasing a new video on the Bizaertker Channel in a few weeks that surely will be more entertaining then anything else you'll do in that short time span. #Spoiler
Just so we're clear, the whole point of this was to inform you that yellow tennis clothes suck, Arantxa Rus is a babe, selfies are not cool at all and my alma mater, not Harvard, cured HIV.
That felt so good I'm going to say it again, my alma mater, not Harvard, cured HIV.
A Bro Above All
Billy Stein ~ The Tennis Bro
Monday, February 25, 2013
Oh Dear Goodness
Whats up bros,
The guy that I let share my office has a meeting way upstate today, so I don't have anyone to laugh with at the expense of the individual in question.
Pierre-Ludovic Duclos-Lasnier apparently likes to get down some girls. I mean like little girls. Now normally, in American Society, some vague weirdo French guy shots would be taken at Mr. Duclos-Lasnier, but it turns out, most French guys are actually pretty legit; despite their stereotype and record in World Wars.
Let's review the facts of the case:
-The girl was 13
-He's older then 15; 27 to be exact
-Sends D*&^ Pic
-Offers up sexual predator meet and greet
-Get's busted
-This all happens in Florida; America's most backwards place on Earth
SIDE NOTE: Floridians, WTF, how many seasons of Cops were filmed in Florida? And why do the folks always look like the popular culture depiction of an Alabama fan? As long as I'm asking questions, why does every weird thing ever happen in Florida; Hi Casey Anthony.
Not to go all To Catch a Predator on you, but here's an image of our guy .
He seems pretty normal, for a French guy #AmericaJoke. The dark hair and Auburn beard may have been a red flag, but otherwise pretty normal. Here's a question I pose to you, do all sickos look kind of normal? Because I feel like they do. You have some that are kind of obvious. But its mostly tough to spot.
Here's a few other famously gross human beings that look pretty Average Joe-like:
Ted Kaczynski
Ed Gein
Anakin Skywalker
That sick minerals guy in Avatar
The guy I let share my office
Heads up for these kinds of people, society, you never fully know what they're up to. Now for a special version of The Only Words That Matter on pedophilia and other deviant behavior, here's Harley Babeslayer's take.
I never trusted that sicko in the first place. He really should just have gotten into ditch digging or car washing for a living instead of being in tennis...
Who, some French guy? Not the Tennis Bro... This is awkward.
All of this Pierre pepe Le Peeyuu stuff would mean something if this guy was even good enough to have a profile on the ATP website. He doesn't. I would say this suckass's top priority oughta be playing a sport professionally he isn't awful at. I wager the babeslayer could beat this predator with my woody; not to be mistaken with any pervert innuendos, in my right hand and my left hand tied, or furry handcuffed since we're dealing with a real freak here, behind my back.
What the hell is the deal with all these functioning skidmarks on society's underpants these days? First we had the jersey shore; I think people in New Jersey are actually like that, but who asked that state to exist? Then Honey Boo Boo came out; I f&*%ing hate that family and the irreparable damage they've done to my beautiful home town of McIntyre, Georgia. Now we have Manti Te'o that dipshit moron the Tennis Bro loves to knock on so hard.
I have a SIDE NOTE for you: Te'oing isn't funny anymore you idiot jockey. Harley Shaking is the thing to do nowadays. Speaking of, EA Sports, if I get one more email blast about a Grand Slam Tennis 2 Harlem Shake video I'm going to start using my racket as a defensive tool in a bodily spot you'll want to avoid.
Now this suck stick is getting an ESPN blog for attempting to go full-stajjjj on some little girl? Can't wait to see him out at the bar reciting Megan's Law to everyone. I keep serving up the lightning and smashing $$$$ on my backhand; I know digital Sharapova has taken to liking my style, how couldn't she?
This is ridiculous. Screw ESPN, screw the Tennis Bro, screw Honey Boo Boo and screw this French guy. One of these days I'll be number one and you can all eat a big pile of s%$*.
That's all for today bros, better get old Harley a fresh tampon before he genuinely hurts someone.
A Bro Above All,
Billy Stein ~ The Tennis Bro
I hope the Tennis Bro chokes on a lean cuisine
Harley Babeslayer ~ Professional Tennis Player
The guy that I let share my office has a meeting way upstate today, so I don't have anyone to laugh with at the expense of the individual in question.
Pierre-Ludovic Duclos-Lasnier apparently likes to get down some girls. I mean like little girls. Now normally, in American Society, some vague weirdo French guy shots would be taken at Mr. Duclos-Lasnier, but it turns out, most French guys are actually pretty legit; despite their stereotype and record in World Wars.
Let's review the facts of the case:
-The girl was 13
-He's older then 15; 27 to be exact
-Sends D*&^ Pic
-Offers up sexual predator meet and greet
-Get's busted
-This all happens in Florida; America's most backwards place on Earth
SIDE NOTE: Floridians, WTF, how many seasons of Cops were filmed in Florida? And why do the folks always look like the popular culture depiction of an Alabama fan? As long as I'm asking questions, why does every weird thing ever happen in Florida; Hi Casey Anthony.
Not to go all To Catch a Predator on you, but here's an image of our guy .
He seems pretty normal, for a French guy #AmericaJoke. The dark hair and Auburn beard may have been a red flag, but otherwise pretty normal. Here's a question I pose to you, do all sickos look kind of normal? Because I feel like they do. You have some that are kind of obvious. But its mostly tough to spot.
Here's a few other famously gross human beings that look pretty Average Joe-like:
Ted Kaczynski
Ed Gein
Anakin Skywalker
That sick minerals guy in Avatar
The guy I let share my office
Heads up for these kinds of people, society, you never fully know what they're up to. Now for a special version of The Only Words That Matter on pedophilia and other deviant behavior, here's Harley Babeslayer's take.
I never trusted that sicko in the first place. He really should just have gotten into ditch digging or car washing for a living instead of being in tennis...
Who, some French guy? Not the Tennis Bro... This is awkward.
All of this Pierre pepe Le Peeyuu stuff would mean something if this guy was even good enough to have a profile on the ATP website. He doesn't. I would say this suckass's top priority oughta be playing a sport professionally he isn't awful at. I wager the babeslayer could beat this predator with my woody; not to be mistaken with any pervert innuendos, in my right hand and my left hand tied, or furry handcuffed since we're dealing with a real freak here, behind my back.
What the hell is the deal with all these functioning skidmarks on society's underpants these days? First we had the jersey shore; I think people in New Jersey are actually like that, but who asked that state to exist? Then Honey Boo Boo came out; I f&*%ing hate that family and the irreparable damage they've done to my beautiful home town of McIntyre, Georgia. Now we have Manti Te'o that dipshit moron the Tennis Bro loves to knock on so hard.
I have a SIDE NOTE for you: Te'oing isn't funny anymore you idiot jockey. Harley Shaking is the thing to do nowadays. Speaking of, EA Sports, if I get one more email blast about a Grand Slam Tennis 2 Harlem Shake video I'm going to start using my racket as a defensive tool in a bodily spot you'll want to avoid.
Now this suck stick is getting an ESPN blog for attempting to go full-stajjjj on some little girl? Can't wait to see him out at the bar reciting Megan's Law to everyone. I keep serving up the lightning and smashing $$$$ on my backhand; I know digital Sharapova has taken to liking my style, how couldn't she?
This is ridiculous. Screw ESPN, screw the Tennis Bro, screw Honey Boo Boo and screw this French guy. One of these days I'll be number one and you can all eat a big pile of s%$*.
That's all for today bros, better get old Harley a fresh tampon before he genuinely hurts someone.
A Bro Above All,
Billy Stein ~ The Tennis Bro
I hope the Tennis Bro chokes on a lean cuisine
Harley Babeslayer ~ Professional Tennis Player
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